Some time ago, I wrote an article about how to deal with estranged adult children. It was in the choppy wake of Mother’s Day. Many of us were feeling the heightened sting of loss.

I was surprised by the response that article evoked. I know there are many hurting moms, but I didn’t realize that the number is so huge.

One mom shared, “It is awful and I’m so thankful I can at least talk about it with people who understand. I felt so alone.”

There is, as AF said, “No greater pain.” How do we, as surviving mamas, try to live a life with joy and meaning?

I come to this topic with a deficit. My parents died when I was a teen. As a motherless/fatherless 19-year-old I did not have the opportunity to experience adult estrangement. Indeed, I often longed to have parents whom I could rebel against!

Family Life Is a Crucible

I once heard someone refer to family life as a crucible. When the fire of life gets turned up, our imperfections get heated up!

It also brings out the best in us. We have enjoyed love, gentleness and kindness in raising our children. It is the contrast between the magic years and these tragic years that makes the estrangement a shock.

Challenging the Narrative About Estranged Adult Children

Some readers challenged the narrative that we were decent moms.

SBW commented, “Not everyone has Harriet Nelson for a mother.”

In my life as a practicing attorney, I never ceased shuddering at what people are capable of doing. Humans are capable of unspeakable behavior.

One mom responded, “Agreed! I stay away from my family after years of being treated poorly… I’d had enough. Sometimes you have to sever ties for your own sake and sanity.”

Most of us are grieved to hear from women who never had a special relationship with their parents. We have done our best. Indeed, many of us have spent years in therapy unraveling our own upbringing so that we could do a better job with our kids. (Raising my hand to admit this!)

I hope every wounded person finds peace. If you have been abused by your parents, you have suffered unthinkable harm. Get some counsel so you can move past your pain and make a wonderful life!

We’ve been the loving, cookie-baking moms whose lives have been shaken to the core by their child’s decision to reject them. We need to air our pain, just like you. Find the appropriate place to get help and support.

How Do You Let Go?

It’s not easy to let it go, but healing and moving on should be our focus. While the estrangement is out of our control, the solution seems to lie in exercising our own control in letting go of the pain and moving on.

One mom shared, “Take the anger, and put it into positive energy to improve yourself… Over time it became easier. I still feel sad, but I refuse to harbor anger since it only hurts me more. I acknowledge my sadness but move around and above it to help myself move forward.”

Time is a healer. We need to process the pain but then it might be wise to put the pain behind us.

While our children took away the choice to be in a relationship with them, we still have other choices. The best choice we can make is to move on and live a rich, fulfilling life with new interests and pursuits. Spending the rest of our days wallowing in sorrow serves no one.

What About the Grandchildren?

For some of us, being cut off from a grandchild is our hurt multiplied. When our estranged kids keep grandchildren from us, the pain is more intense.

One mom recounted, “I lived 15 minutes from my son and my two grandchildren. Didn’t see them for several years. Daughter-in-law’s family sees them every day. I wasn’t even allowed to babysit. The pain never stops.”

My own grandson lives 10 hours away with his dad. It took years of court wrangling and thousands of dollars for us to be allowed to see him a few times a year.

So, I see him when I can. I make sure to never miss a birthday or holiday with him, even if I can’t be with him all too often. I take comfort in knowing that when he is an adult, he will have his own choices to make.

As the Parents of Estranged Adult Children, What Shall We Do?

What does it take for you to deal with this? We will each find our way into our own peace.

Seeking personal peace with our situation is something we all must do. Don’t spend your remaining time on earth in bitterness and sadness.

Allowing sadness to control us insults the gift of the remaining life we have.

What do you need to do now for your own physical and emotional health? Therapy has helped me tremendously in defining boundaries and clarifying what was and was not my responsibility.

We can take extra care of our physical health so that our post-mothering years are vibrant. There is more life to live, and we can bless ourselves by being healthy enough to enjoy it.

What About the Adult Child?

Our adult children have their own story to live. The book of their life (and ours) is still being written. We don’t know the end of either one.

So, we do what we can to connect. I told my daughter that I would always be her mom and I would fly over her life on occasion to tell her I still loved her. Sometimes she swats the fly over away. Sometimes she welcomes it.

NH wrote, “Never give up, show your love no matter what!”
For me, that has meant never missing an opportunity to speak words of blessing. I acknowledge birthdays and holidays, sending good wishes to her, although they are never returned or acknowledged.

How are you coming to grips with your situation of being the mother of an estranged adult child? How are you planning to make your future the best it can be, given your life’s circumstances? What advice would you give to the parents of estranged adult children? Please join the conversation below!

Soon after my husband and I moved into our continuing care retirement community, a hearty-looking fellow walked up to us and said, “I’m Tim, who are you?” I told him our names. He said, “We’re going away for a few weeks but when Marie and I get back, let’s have dinner. I want to know you.”

A month later, we ran into Tim at the mailboxes, and he repeated his invitation. We had to accept. Besides, I was curious about this guy who was so in-your-face, unlike the other residents we had encountered.

Hail Fellow, Well Met

It turned out that although Tim talked big at dinner, he also listened very well. He asked questions that led me to think he truly cared about the answers. I asked if he gave all new residents such a welcome.

He said, yeah, he did, and that some people accused him of wanting to be our community’s unelected mayor. “Was that so bad?” he wanted to know? Not in my book.

But Others Objected

As weeks passed, I noticed that Tim had a head-butting relationship with another man who headed up one of the residents’ steering committees.

A woman on the committee clued me in: Tim had headed the committee before the incumbent, and Tim wanted things to stay the way they were, while the incumbent wanted reform. The incumbent had stacked the committee with like-minded folk, but, the woman said, it was all very cordial.

I shouldn’t have been surprised about the tension, but I was. At this CCRC, a national corporation with retirement holdings in five states writes the rules, handles the money, and runs the show. Very little comes under resident control.

Nonetheless, hierarchy seems to be a human predilection, and, evidently, the humans here had not escaped it.

Lines Were Drawn

I began to see signs of the pecking order. Half a dozen couples regularly sat with each other at dinner and talked until closing. Some of the same people dined with the national corporation’s executives when they came to town.

Notice I wrote “couples” – husbands and wives, with the husbands generally being the more vocal of the pair – in a community that is overwhelmingly female.

I wouldn’t expect the oldest and most infirm residents to be terribly visible community members, but I would hope future generations of women residents would participate energetically in the hierarchical games.

Who Wants to Play?

Our community attracts people, mostly in their 80s, who have lived in the surrounding neighborhoods or whose children are nearby. Many have roots in the mid-west. They are bankers and clergy, upper-level teachers and professionals of various stripes.

Some lean right, more inhabit the middle, and some lean left. Some are highly social; they gather for drinks while ostensibly maintaining social distancing (they don’t measure “six feet” well).

Others are more straight-laced; they don’t “get” why a committee would want to meet virtually if no assignments could be undertaken in this time of plague.

The Real Divide

My neighbors have one thing in common, though. They expect the services for which they are paying to be provided professionally, and they get grumpy when little things go astray.

I’ve seen perfectly polite people growl at a server in the dining room. Yet the same people try to give a new contractor the benefit of the doubt and save their complaints for if and when they are merited. Actually, they have no choice but to wait and see what management will be providing.

Despite grumbling now and then, my neighbors appreciate the staff and caregivers who make them comfortable, and they give scholarships and cultivate the young “team members” still in school.

I think most residents acknowledge, on some level, that they lead lives far more privileged than those of the people working on this campus. They are grateful for good service and give generous Christmas bonuses.

They’d better. A good team member is hard to find.

Are there hidden hierarchies in the social organizations in which you participate? Are you a player? Have you noticed altercations between group leaders? How does your community handle them? Please share with us!

Teddi Mellencamp’s Gold Metallic Dress

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 10 Episode 8 Fashion

 Teddi Mellencamp looked like a shining star in her gold metallic dress on tonight’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  But I have to say the real star of this pic is that adorable baby bump. Teddi’s maternity style has seriously been top notch thanks to her stylist @styled.by.celeste .

I know I’ve said it before, but I have always thought when my time comes to be with child I am rocking elastic waistbands the entire time. Though seeing Teddi dressed to the nines at all these events has me thinking now maybe I won’t? All I can say is that pregnant or not I want to rock Teddi’s awesome style at all costs, especially this dress because the cost happens to be marked down because it’s on sale.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

*Also seen on Kelly Dodd, who altered hers to be shorter*

Click Here To Shop Her IRO Gold Cilty Dress

Click Here For Additional Stock

Click Here To Shop It In Silver

Click Here To Shop Her Tabitha Simmons Heels (Limited Stock)

Click Here to See her Jennifer Behr Earrings

YSL Sunset Bag Sold Out at Neiman Marcus

Photo Credit: @styled.by.celeste

Originally posted at: Teddi Mellencamp’s Gold Metallic Dress