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What’s the Three-Date Rule and Are There Exceptions?

by | Feb 21, 2025 | | 0 |

What’s the Three-Date Rule and Are There Exceptions

Every woman loves to feel swept off her feet when meeting a man. Those butterflies in your stomach are a sign of instant connection. But what happens if you don’t feel it?

A Note of Warning About Instant Chemistry

Instant chemistry can be a dangerous thing in dating because it’s all physical. There isn’t any emotional connection because you don’t even know the other person. Instant chemistry can cloud your judgement and lead you to overestimating the connection that hasn’t had the time to develop.

Sparks can easily be mistaken for emotional compatibility. But emotional depth and shared values take time to build and focusing solely on that immediate “click” can overshadow the more important qualities like shared interests, trust, and communication. The issue with immediate chemistry is that it’s superficial – it’s based on how someone makes you feel in the moment, rather than how they actually align with your life goals, interests, and personality.

This is why I recommend to my clients that if you date a man who is fun, respectful, and with whom you have things in common, that you give him a second and third date – even if you don’t feel butterflies.

Maybe he’s shy, maybe you were nervous; there are a million reasons why you didn’t instantly click on the first date. But if you write him off completely because of that, you may be missing out on a really great guy.

Are There Exceptions to the Three-Date Rule?

From personal experience, I have to say “Yes.” I met a man online and after chatting with him on the phone, decided to have dinner with him. He was relatively attractive, very attentive, nice, polite, and even brought me flowers. I thought that was extremely thoughtful. There wasn’t any chemistry, but I practice what I preach so I agreed to a second date.

The Second Date

He dressed nicer the second time around which I thought was a good sign, and this time he brought me candy, which was unexpected and appreciated. We had dinner and walked around a scenic part of my area in the misty rain. It should have been a very romantic setting, but I wasn’t feeling any chemistry, even after holding his hand to be sure.

My genuine answer came when he brought me home. My condo is on the second floor, and he didn’t walk me to the door – which I thought was tacky. But even before that, when he came around to open my door the thought of kissing him simply gave me the ‘ick.’ Was there any true reason for it? No, not really. I could tell from how he acted that he liked me more than I liked him, and he simply wasn’t for me.

How About Date #3?

Then I was faced with the dilemma, should I go to date number three, or end it now? I thought about this for some time before I made my decision. I knew he liked me and was willing to invest his time and money into getting to know me. Upon reflection, I could have asked him to take me anywhere and I think he would have. But I’m not dating for a free meal; I’m dating to find love. And the more time I spend dating the wrong men, the less time I have available to look for the right man.

So, I sent him a text. If I dated him any longer, I would have felt it was necessary to tell him face to face, and I didn’t want him to get that connected to me and felt a text was best. I simply told him “Thank you, but I wasn’t feeling the romantic chemistry both of us wanted so I would be moving on.” Then I wished him good luck.

It was kind and short. I didn’t feel the need to dwell on what I didn’t like about him. That didn’t matter. He did respond with a bit of a snarky remark, but that’s to be expected. It wasn’t horrible, and I moved on without looking back.

Yes, the three-date rule can be a good rule of thumb, but here’s some additional guidelines to help figure out if it’s necessary.

When the Three-Date Rule Makes Sense

You’re on the Fence

If you’re not sure how you feel about someone, giving it a few more dates can give you the space to decide if you want to continue or walk away. It takes time to see whether you truly connect on an emotional level, and time helps provide that clarity.

You’re Exploring Compatibility

If the first date was good but you’re still unsure about the person’s compatibility with your lifestyle, values, or goals, giving it a couple more dates can help you see how well you fit together.

When It Might Not Be Necessary

You Know Early On

If you know within the first date or two that chemistry isn’t there or that there’s a fundamental incompatibility, don’t feel obligated to continue just for the sake of the rule. Trust your gut.

It Feels Forced

If you’re only sticking around for the third date because “that’s what you’re supposed to do,” it may be time to reconsider. If the connection isn’t there and you’re just going through the motions, it’s okay to let go.

The three-date rule can be helpful in giving you the chance to assess a relationship more fully, but it should never be treated as a hard and fast rule. The key is to balance giving someone the opportunity to reveal more of themselves by being honest with yourself about your feelings. In the end, the best timeline for evaluating a potential relationship is the one that feels right for you – whether that’s one date or 10.

If you want to learn more about navigating dating at this stage of life, check out my bite-size video trainings here. You can create your own coaching program and grow from there.

Also read, Didn’t Feel Any Spark on the First Date? Try These 7 Tips.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

When and how do you tell a man you aren’t interested in seeing him again? Have you practiced the three-date rule and has it worked for you?

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How to Recognize and Avoid Being Guilt-Trapped

by | Feb 21, 2025 | | 0 |

How to Recognize and Avoid Being Guilt-Trapped

Ever had a case of the guilties? Probably. Most of us have.

Although frustrating, experiencing guilt isn’t all bad. Guilt is a natural emotion that plays a crucial role in keeping our moral compass tuned.

But when guilt becomes excessive, irrational, or is used by someone else to try to control our actions, it can become a big problem. It’s guilt-trapping, and it’s both unhealthy and damaging.

And sadly, one of the populations most often targeted by guilt trappers are women, especially middle-aged and older women, who are more naturally inclined to be kind, generous, and trusting.

What Is Guilt Trapping?

At its core, guilt trapping occurs when someone uses guilt to manipulate or control another person’s behavior.

It’s a psychological tactic where one person (the trapper) intentionally inspires feelings of guilt in another person to elicit a desired response or behavior.

The person being trapped may be made to feel that they’ve:

  • Wronged the other person
  • Made a bad decision
  • Are responsible for someone else’s circumstances.

They are convinced that they must take action to fix things, even at their own expense.

It can occur in several different ways. Common methods for guilt trapping someone include:

  • Passive-aggressive behavior
  • Misrepresentation or one-sided representation
  • Martyrdom
  • Blackmail

In some cases, the guilt-trapping dynamic between the trapper and the trapped can become so ingrained in the relationship that the person being manipulated doesn’t even realize they’re being guilt-trapped.

Recognizing Guilt Trapping

Recognizing guilt-trapping can be challenging, especially when it’s done by someone close to us. However, several key signs may indicate that you’re being manipulated through guilt.

Below I list and explain some of them.

Persistent Feelings of Being Responsible for Someone Else’s Emotions

The classic example of being made to feel responsible for someone else’s emotions is a version of, “I can’t live without you,” but it’s not the only way a guilt-trapper can do this.

If someone is making you feel like you owe them, or that only you can do something to improve their life, you’re probably being trapped in guilt.

Difficulty Saying No

Saying no can be tough for women in general. Women want to please, care for, and make others happy. For these reasons, many women say yes when what they really want to say is no.

If you feel guilty when you say no to someone, especially if they push back when you do, it can be a form of guilt-trapping.

Chronic Need to Apologize or Make Up for Things

Your need to apologize for things that aren’t your fault may be a sign that you’re being guilt-trapped or an indication that you’re susceptible to being guilt-trapped.

If you notice this pattern in your behavior, it’s important to consider where it’s coming from (you or somewhere else) and how to change it.

Anxiety

Being worried, anxious, resentful, or walking on eggshells around someone could be a symptom of guilt trapping.

Emotional Blackmail

“I shouldn’t have expected you to help,” “I’m so disappointed in you,” and “You’re the reason I’m so unhappy” are all examples of emotional blackmail.

These statements make you feel guilty without direct confrontation and lead you to do what they want.

How You Can Be a Target of Guilt Trapping in Your 60s and Beyond

As I mentioned above, women in middle age and above are particularly susceptible to being guilt-trapped. The ways in which women in this age range are taken advantage of can be both unique and insidious.

The most confusing part is that women often perceive guilt-trapping in the ways described below as part of their “responsibilities” or how they should behave as good partners, parents, daughters, and friends.

Expectations from Adult Children

Older women have spent years taking care of others – kids, spouses, parents – and now that caregiving has become part of their identity.

Unfortunately, for some women who’re ready to focus on themselves and move into the next chapter of life, their adult children may not be as ready.

“I need you to help me with my children,” “You’re abandoning us,” “You’ve always done this for us,” or “We need you more now than ever before.”

These statements can directly hit a caring heart and play on a woman’s deep sense of duty. But what really happens, especially if it keeps a woman from pursuing her own life, is guilt trapping.

Expectations from Aging Parents

In some cases, parents will use guilt to keep an adult daughter close and make her their caregiver.

“I can’t trust anyone else,” “Please never leave me,” and “I took care of you when you were little,” are all phrases many women have heard from their parents as they’ve aged.

This can create overwhelming guilt and a sense of responsibility that’s hard to ignore.

Also read, Caught in the Care Sandwich – The Life of a 60-Something Caregiver.

Financial Guilt Trapping

“It’s okay. I’ll just find a second job. The kids are fine by themselves for a few hours,” “Interest rates on loans aren’t THAT high, are they?” “I could really use some help – just for a while, I’ll pay you back,” “I wish I could afford (tuition, a car, food, whatever).”

One of the worst kinds of guilt trapping is financial. It can come from partners, kids, parents, and even friends.

More than one woman who’s worked and saved so she can enjoy her golden years and not be a burden to her family has found herself treated like the family ATM.

How to Avoid Being Guilt Trapped

Avoiding being guilt-trapped isn’t always easy. The thing about guilt is that it sits with you, eats at you, and makes you feel more guilty. And with guilt comes the desire to alleviate it. Unfortunately, in guilt-trapped cases, alleviating it means doing whatever the trapper wants.

There’s got to be a better way, right?

Yes, but it requires work and will be uncomfortable.

To avoid being guilt-trapped, you need to:

  • Set clear boundaries – and hold to them.
  • Voice your limits.
  • Learn the phrase, “I love you, but no.”
  • Feel justified in your own self-care.
  • Remember that everyone is responsible for their own life and happiness. Including you.
  • Accept that putting yourself first is okay, healthy, and often necessary.

Women, especially women in their 60s and beyond, carry a heavy mental load. For your own health you must learn to focus on what you can and want to do, rather than trying to meet everyone else’s needs.

Cultivating self-compassion is essential. You’ve earned the right to prioritize yourself. It’s important to recognize that your life and independence can coexist with the love and care you offer others – without guilt.

Reflection Questions:

Have you ever been guilt-trapped? If you have, any tips on ways you’ve found to prevent it? If you’ve had any experience being guilt-trapped, please share your story with other readers and join the conversation.

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