Month: June 2025

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Originally posted at: Angela Oakley’s Black Crystal Embellished Cutout Maxi Dress

After writing an article on Taboos a few weeks ago, I was struck by the number of comments and thought I would add a few more things that, perhaps, we need to talk about a little more…

Bullying

We often associate bullying with childhood, but it is very much a part of adulthood too. We can be bullied by our boss, our spouse, colleagues, friends, parents, siblings and even our children. It may be something you have suffered throughout your life, or it may have happened as you got older. Sadly, elder bullying is very much a growing trend.

Bullying has many forms and can include neglect, physical and emotional abuse, psychological and financial. For me, one of the hardest things to contemplate is bullying by your own children. The same children that you brought into the world, loved and cared for more than anyone else, and would probably have laid down your life for.

Always find someone to confide in if you are being bullied, or, at the very least, write it down. Remember it doesn’t have to be like this. If someone asks you something you are not comfortable with, say ‘No’, or ‘Can I take a while to think about that and get back to you’. It gives you a little time and space to consider your response.

Incontinence

As we age, there are changes to our body which can cause leakage. However, it is always important to check with your doctor when this occurs, as there may be other reasons. Incontinence is one of the real fears of people when they age, but there are things that can be done to help prevent, or even reverse, it.

Pelvic exercises can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and may help prevent leakage. Aqua aerobics can be very beneficial for older people as it can help strengthen your pelvic floor in a safe environment, without fear of falling over. There are also medications that may help, and surgery is available for some.

We are fortunate today that there is a wide range of products available including mattress protectors, pads, and leakproof pants. Pads and pants can be especially useful, providing confidence if you sneeze or cough. Remember you are not alone, in the UK there are currently over three million people with urinary incontinence.

Care Home

Care homes can provide a lifeline to people and make a huge difference to their life… or they can provide guilt, worry, fear, anxiety. Many people do enjoy life in a care home but for relatives, deciding to place a loved one in a care home can be a very hard decision.

Caring for someone is tough. It is exhausting. But it can also be a privilege and a blessing. Each situation is unique and only those involved can really know what is right for them. I think the most important consideration is ‘Will the person who will be going into the home, plus the people who care for them, benefit?’

Caring full-time for someone is extremely hard work, especially if they need round the clock care. Before any decision is made, look at all the options available. Could someone else lighten the load, perhaps a family member, friend, neighbour or home help? If then the decision is made for someone to go into a care home, you will know that you have explored all other avenues. Hopefully, this should help make the choice a little easier.

If you are the one who needs to make the decision, be gentle on yourself. If your loved one is being cared for by others, it allows you to get your strength back, and have the energy, and time, to focus on both your wellbeing and theirs. Not so easy when you are exhausted, stressed and worried. You have made the choice with love and consideration, and that is all anyone can ask.

Grief

Grieving is probably one of the most painful emotions we ever experience. We go through life knowing that, at some point, all of us will die, yet we rarely talk about it. Knowing a loved one’s wishes can really help reduce some of the pain, so it is worth having the conversation, however difficult.

The way we grieve depends on many factors, and there is no one-size-fits-all. In my experience, we learn over time to accept what has happened, and to master how to reduce the physical and emotional pain. Grieving is exhausting… we don’t sleep properly, we don’t eat regularly, our head aches, our eyes sting, our throat is sore. Our mind races back and forth… Could I? Should I? Did I?

Talk to those you have lost, it can lessen the feeling of missing them. Be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need. It is often a long process, but you will get there. Life may not ever be the same, and it may seem impossible to imagine ever being happy again. But, little by little, you may find yourself humming a song, smiling to yourself, or even laughing at some wonderful memories you have. The person you have lost may not be physically present, but they are always with you. You will be ok.

Let’s Talk About It:

What topics do you consider taboos and why? If you have a difficult time with a particular topic, who do you talk it over with?

Styling : @emilymen @karissaleeloveday & @emilyabbey__

Photo: @loveislandusa
 

Style Stealers

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Originally posted at: Ariana Madix’s Off the Shoulder Sequin Cutout Maxi Dress on Love Island

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Styling : @emilymen @karissaleeloveday 

Photo: @loveislandusa
 

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Originally posted at: Ariana Madix’s Ombre Strapless Mini Dress on Love Island Aftersun

When I first started my Health and Financial Wellness (HFW) for Women group here in Phoenix about nine years ago, I asked the initial gathering of women which topics they would most want to learn more about. Most of the women attending were in their 60s and many were retired. The very first topic request was around what women need to know about widowhood and what they need to do before they lose their spouse.

What can we do now to make life easier for us later?

The Statistics

That request surprised me, but in light of the statistics, it really shouldn’t. 80% of married women will experience widowhood. 80% of married men die married. So it should be no surprise that 90% of all women will eventually be solely in charge of their household finances.

Private Fiduciary Services

Going forward, knowing what you have financially and how it all works became a common theme of our ongoing volunteer guest speakers, i.e., estate planning attorneys, financial advisors, and tax advisors. We most recently had a private fiduciary firm tell us about how a fiduciary service can serve as POA, executor, or successor trustee in place of naming a family member or friend in estate planning documents.

Three facts stood out to me in their presentation:

#1: The Arizona Stats

Shockingly, only 20% of Arizona residents have complete estate planning documents (will &/or trust, POAs for medical, mental health, and financial). And Arizona is a big retiree state!

#2: The Devil Is in the Detail

By that, she meant that the more specific written wishes can be, the better the family or fiduciary can assure that your wishes actually happen. Your “stuff” for example. Describe what and where an item is and name the person to receive it on your Personal Property Disposition List. Be detailed in what you want your funeral or celebration of life to look like and write it on your Final Disposition form.

#3: Importance of Being Organized

Being organized not only saves time, stress, and clarity but also money. When a fiduciary service, for example, has to spend time looking for your files and information (as a medical or financial POA or after death), those hours spent are also charged a fee. And if it’s a family member spending that time, hours of frustration and needless time spent can cause unhealthy stress for someone who is doing you a huge favor in serving in those roles in the first place.

One Way to Be Organized

The fiduciary firm suggested that being organized might mean having two binders. One binder with all of your estate planning documents in it. And the other binder holding important documents, i.e., account statements (one month suffices), marriage/divorce certificate, home and vehicle title, etc. I would add a Net Worth Summary to the second binder (think of it like an Asset Index since it details in one place what you own and what you owe).

Widows Speak Out

Last year I hosted a panel at one of my HFW meetings: two recent widows, an estate planning attorney, and a financial advisor (me). Part of my focus was asking the women to share the non-financial side of losing a spouse. Many single women in the audience nodded their heads as the discussion unfolded.

Nighttime Is the Most Difficult

One common theme was that nighttime was and is the most difficult time of the day. Panel and audience members shared numerous examples of working through that: calling a friend, attending evening events, going to dinner with friends, hobby activities, reading, walking with a neighbor, etc.

Friends Helping Friends

Friends wanting to help friends was also discussed: what not to say (vague, overly common offers like “let me know if I can help”) vs what to say (specific offers like “I would be glad to pick up groceries or help with your gardening or take you to your upcoming appointment?”); continuing to invite each other to activities (even couple activities you used to attend); and remembering it’s helpful to share memories about the lost spouse.

Grief Support

And grief support was another topic. As with everything in life, we are all different. Some women found organized groups like GriefShare helpful but others did not like it. Some preferred an individual counselor, others found formal or informal groups of widows, and still others read books and/or had individual conversations with a few friends/family members.

Two Fulfilling Lives

Over time, many women have become grateful for having had two fulfilling lives, as a couple and solo. I have found women to be wonderful at supporting and helping each other flourish. We have a lot in common and want to make a positive impact in our world. My hope for all of us is to keep our awareness of future life possibilities as a helpful guide to our reality and then resiliently adapt when life changes.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What would you tell other women about widowhood? Was there something that would have or did make a difficult time at least a little less stressful, financially or otherwise? What have you learned from widows in your life? Let’s help each other with our discussion!