I recently agreed to be a guest on a podcast. Although repeatedly encouraged to do podcasts by my marketing manager, up to this point I have resisted. Why?

It’s very simple: Fear!

My Own Self-Doubts Were in the Way

There have been times in my past when I felt that I did not respond to a question well. Have you ever had that feeling? I think we all have.

I can create the perfect response afterward when I have more time to think it through. At least that is what I tell myself. Was the answer I gave to the question accurate? Yes. Was it perfect? No. So I perpetuate the self-judgment that I cannot think on my feet.

Why Did I Decide to Take a Chance Now?

First, I was asked by a fellow author at a Barnes & Noble Local Author Book Crawl. About 30 local authors, in two shifts, signed books and talked to potential readers and that included each other. My podcast host sat next to me, and we exchanged publishing and writing stories.

I was flattered that she would want me on her podcast. A few days later I was feeling anxious and worried. Yes, my fear clicked in! But I completed her podcast guest form and scheduled a date for the recording.

I began to list the things I needed to review before our session so that I would be prepared to answer any question she might ask about my book. (Even though I submitted the questions!) Then it happened! I participated in an inspirational virtual seminar on a totally different topic and this idea opened my mind – turn off the fear switch! What?

I know that I have control over my thoughts and actions, even those we think are automatic or ingrained, but could I let go of my fear? I created a mental image of me turning off a switch named “Podcast Fear.” Amazingly, I felt lighter and, when I thought of the podcast, I felt joy! Joy!!!

I realized that what I really wanted the podcast audience to know was why I wrote my book – it was my calling, my purpose, and it was in response to observations about how our economy rewards people and how women react in the financial world.

I could, and probably will, share key points from the book, but the most important thing for me to share is why that is important to them. Why take the time to read it? When I don’t feel the fear, I am excited to share this with the podcast listeners!

Do You Know That Fear Also Perpetuates Itself?

Everything we fear creates another fear, or it builds on itself until the burden is so heavy, we just give up. I don’t want to live my life in fear and the information I share in my book is important. It can change lives and that is why I wrote How to Dress a Naked Portfolio! I want every person to have the confidence to make smart financial decisions.

Although the process is universal, the outcome is totally unique because no one’s circumstances are exactly alike. The steps are not difficult, but it does take time and effort. It comes down to this: How badly do you want to feel financially comfortable and ready for the future?

My Fear Is Different from Your Fear

Your “fear” button may have a totally different name. Very likely it is not “podcast” but it might be dating or a new sport or a trip or a difficult conversation or moving to a new town or going to a different school. There is no end to the items that cause us anxiety. We try to help our children and grandchildren overcome their fears, too.

The exercise that I used may work for some and not for others. Please share what works for you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you overcome a particular fear? What method did you use? How did that make you feel? Do you have any financial fears? What do you intend to do to overcome them?

I received a ton of virtual hugs after my last Sixty and Me blog. Now let me share a bit of how I came to board that flight in Orlando.

How Can We Be Friends?

I ask myself this question often: how did I remain good friends with not one, but two ex-husbands? First, let me say that I am eternally grateful for that. There is no magic answer, but rather an ironic one; I chose two good men.

If tomorrow I were told that I would have to live with and spend my entire remaining life with either of them, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. They have very different traits in many ways, but both are – and always were – kind, decent, loyal, good fathers (not to children of mine as I have none), and are still caring and supportive towards me.

On both occasions it was I who instigated divorce proceedings, and in both cases I have not regretted my decision; merely the fact that I had to make those decisions in the first place. Of course, this has caused me a lot of soul searching over the years, and I believe what it boils down to is that I am an inherently solitary person; technically I am an ambivert.

I thoroughly enjoy being in the throng, but my conversing attention span is limited, and I rather crave a lot of alone time; this is not particularly conducive to a good marriage.

The End of My First Marriage

I met my first husband when I was 30, and we were divorced 10 years later. We had many good times, lots of laughter, few arguments, we ran a business together, we had much in common. Truth be told, even at 35 I wasn’t ready or looking for marriage, but after five happy years together, there didn’t seem a viable reason to say no to his proposal.

However, as time progressed, I sometimes felt smothered and that feeling started with a small drumbeat that just got louder and louder until I felt like I was unable to breathe. Just before my 40th birthday (which is now 25 years ago) I was done. He loved me a lot and he suffered – for a long time.

He remained in the background like a guardian angel all these years: even through my second marriage. Never intrusive, just always there, and now that I have returned to living in the UK, we have renewed this friendship quite fervently. There will be no remarriage, but there will always be a close bond between us. That’s good enough for me, and I hope it is for him.

The End of My Second Marriage

I met my second husband eight years after my first marriage ended, so this was by no means a rebound marriage. I did, sadly, put myself through a toxic three year relationship in between, which I chide myself for as it is totally out of character for me. Ah well, we can’t get it right all of the time!

My second husband and I were together for four years before I got a rather unromantic, matter-of-fact proposal. This time around I was looking for the proposal, so the answer was a happy, resounding yes. Once again, the early years were happy and content ones, and I truly couldn’t envisage a life without this man.

It was not to be my destiny: circumstances dictated that we gravitated more and more towards spending long periods of time apart in different countries, and this no doubt attributed to our demise.

I struggled for a long time once the seed of discontent started to germinate, and I pushed it away over and over again. I really did not want this marriage to come to an end, yet the day came over two and a half years ago when something he said was the straw that broke the camel’s back; it was time to cut the Gordian Knot.

I could not go on, and here I was again, initiating the inevitable. This divorce was a lot harder to get over than the first, and I am still dealing with the aftereffects, but it’s definitely getting easier.

Why Are We Still Friends?

There is still mutual love, respect, and gratitude for what we once had, and I believe the three of us do not want to muddy that happy place by spitting bile at each other with hatred, insults and contempt. We all are, thankfully, super rational (the two exes even met once and got on really well), and I am so grateful to have them both in my life.

Will There Be a Third?

A third marriage is highly unlikely. I have come to the conclusion that I am not great wife material, but I am great ex-wife material, and I aspire to be a giving partner in years to come, as I have been in the past.

However, I must take care to seek out somebody who also enjoys his own space and will not feel the need to lean too heavily on me for a commitment I seem unable to fulfill. If you know of anybody that fits that bill, I think I am ready.

So I want to throw it out there to all you lovely ladies who are going through or have been through divorces: it doesn’t do any harm to part and remain on amicable terms if at all humanly possible. It will give you far greater peace of mind than agonizing over how you have been wronged. One of my favorite sayings is “bless and release.”

As I did: twice.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you think society dictates that we should dislike our exes? Can old feelings be rekindled, or should they remain a thing of the past? Should a divorced couple move on and never communicate again?

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