Short Story: Begin with Self-Reflection
Time and reflection change the sight little by little ’til we come to understand.
~ Paul Cezanne
Viviane, a 29-year-old millennial, has been feeling increasingly distant from her 62-year-old mother, Dru. Despite their love for each other, conversations between them often lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
Viviane feels that her mother has not considered their relationship as adults and doesn’t fully grasp the challenges and perspectives of her generation. Dru struggles to relate to the evolving values important to her daughter and suffers because their relationship is no longer as spontaneous and easy going as it once was when Viviane was a child.
Recognizing their desire for healing, Claire, an old family friend and skilled counselor, suggested a unique approach. She encouraged Dru’s idea to initiate a heartfelt exchange with her daughter by asking thoughtful, open-ended questions to pave the way for understanding and trust. This would allow both women to see each other’s experiences more clearly.
Foremost, however, Claire underlined the need for self-reflection and the importance of knowing oneself. She suggested that Dru explore and answer a few questions of herself ahead of their mother-daughter talk.
Claire handed her three she’d written down to think about.
“Shall I read them out loud?” asked Dru.
“If you’d like,” responded Claire. “On the surface, they’re self-explanatory but they require – a priori – letting go of having to be right and of ‘making a case’ for yourself. It’s as if you become a neutral observer.”
“A neutral observer with no ax to grind. It also means maintaining a nonjudgmental disposition from the start. Too often I’ve held onto my side of the story for dear life – but this backfires and entrenches our differences.”
“Question #1 then?” Claire smiled.
“Have you fairly considered the causes of friction? It feels like fairly is the word to be examined here. While I feel like I know my daughter, we have not discussed the wide-ranging attitudes that contribute to our disharmony. In the past, I must confess, I have identified my side of the story as being the most accurate. Obviously, this frame of mind is not conducive to being able to immerse myself in another point of view and truly acknowledge it.”
“So, NO to the first question?”
“Right. I’ll need to make a special effort not to react by defending myself, and to use my creative imagination to see through Viviane’s eyes.”
“And Question #2?”
Dru read the question deliberately: “Are you ready to hear what may be uncomfortable about yourself without becoming defensive?”
She sighed deeply.
“Wow, I don’t know. I’ve always thought that having goodwill and love would mitigate any major miscommunications between us. It’s obvious to me now that reflection and dialogue are necessary because the causes of friction are complex.”
“Unconscious behaviors can hurt others, even when they’re not intended to do harm,” confirmed Claire, “and we’re all blind to aspects of ourselves. Close family and friends can help reveal them to us.”
“You’re right. Showing vulnerability… being humble… seeing my own shortcomings… absolutely essential. I’m ready to do that.”
Dru stopped to ponder for a moment. “This preparation is harder than I thought, but it’s making me more aware of how much I’ve assumed and left unsaid in our conversations.”
“I’m sure Viviane will be candid with you when she feels your earnest wish to create a healthier, more holistic relationship,” Claire assured her. “Which dovetails with Question #3 (and you’ll probably think of others).”
“Do you have unreasonable expectations about yourself and your daughter?”
Dru was quick to reply: “Yes, it’s definitely unreasonable to expect us to always agree and for her to always be happy. Or for me to always find a solution for every problem. We need to explore ways of lightening up. Forming new memories. Sharing adventures as two adults.”
“Your sacred mother-daughter bond will remain, but to be seen fully for the grown women you are today expands the possibilities for completeness,” Claire commented.
“And I have to realize, too, that Viviane may want other things from me. Maybe she longs for a vacation solo since her obligations keep her busy when I’d choose an outing together. Maybe she’d prefer an attentive ear to hearing the ‘5 Easy Steps to Overcoming Obstacles.’”
They laughed.
“Gosh, Claire, this question exercise broadcasts that for all the talking we’ve done as mother and daughter, I have only tentative and partial perceptions.”
“With patience and perseverance much can be accomplished. And, of course, it’s best to not attempt to rectify everything all at once because personal narratives – what we tell ourselves about ourselves – run deep. It involves effort to root out misconceptions, so take whatever time is needed, without rushing.”
Claire left Dru alone to think.
How exactly would she and Viviane build a stronger, more empathetic relationship? Dru was determined to learn, but first she would begin with self-reflection and promise herself from this day forward to listen and contribute to their dialogue equanimously and without judgment.
How About You:
Have you delved into self-reflection exercises? Which questions have you reflected on? What was the result? How often do you do this kind of exercise?
