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Originally posted at: Erika Girardi’s White Polo Baseball Cap and Jeans

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As someone who specializes in marital communication and interactions, I often talk to people about how important voice tone is in terms of a marriage’s overall tone. But I recently realized that there’s another way to improve the tone of a marriage. And that’s through music.

I came to this realization while out for supper with a couple friends, during what turned out to be karaoke night at the restaurant. A self-described “recently dumped” middle-aged woman took to the karaoke machine like a duck to water and belted out the song I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor). By the end of the performance, she was smiling ear-to-ear and had the place cheering for her.

Music Can Influence Mood and Overall Situation

The change on her face and even in the restaurant was palpable, and it’s no mystery why. Music can definitely affect our mood. So if you’re feeling a little down – or perhaps a little irritated with your husband – try listening to a few pick-me-up tunes. It can change your mood and give you the boost of positive emotion, optimism or perspective you need to feel better, and perhaps even avoid an unnecessary argument with him.

Similarly, if your husband comes home in a foul mood, try sweetening it by playing one or two of his favorite songs. This might be a better approach than saying, “Wow, you’re grumpy!” or demanding that he explain his bad mood. Sometimes it isn’t worth talking about. Sometimes the reason is small and insignificant, and it’s better to just let the mood pass and get on with life.

So Can Music Change the Tone of a Marriage?

That depends on the marriage and what issues a couple is facing. It won’t do much to improve the tone of a miserable marriage or solve a serious problem, but it might hit just the right note to make a good marriage even better.

A well-timed, well-chosen song can certainly spare you from a few pointless arguments and nasty interactions. It can prevent you from hurting each other’s feelings for no real reason, or having a long talk when it just isn’t necessary.

Because honestly, by the time we reach middle age, and especially if our marriage has been a long one, we’ve had our share of pointless arguments and long talks that can eat up an evening! In the end, relationship math is elementary. To have a successful marriage, you need more good days than bad days, more positive interactions than negative ones, and more happy songs than sad ones.

Just Play That Song!

If you feel a bad mood coming on, or you see your husband is in one, cue the music and set a happier tone. It won’t work all the time, and it isn’t always the best way to avoid conflict, but it works enough of the time that it’s one more song to have in your marriage playbook.

So pay attention and listen up: when your husband walks through the door, when you’re cooking dinner, when you’re cleaning the dishes… is your space typically filled with silence or sound? If it’s silence, add some background tunes – experiment with different genres and styles – and see what happens.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What kind of music brings up your mood? What music does your husband/partner like? How does music affect the tone of your relationship?

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One thing I love about living in an apartment building is that, while I live alone, I’m surrounded by caring humans. We look out for each other. We hold doors, water plants, have the occasional glass of wine, exchange keys, and check in when someone hasn’t been seen in a while. It’s its own kind of chosen community (with the occasional neighbor I’d prefer to live elsewhere…).

I’m 42, not partnered (though looking for setups!), and I live in Brooklyn, NY with my labradoodle, Penny. And while Penny is loyal and loving, she’s probably not up to the task of making healthcare decisions for me (no offense, Penny) AND she herself (probably… or I could be projecting) wants to make sure that she’s also covered if something happens to me.

What Is Living Solo About?

Lately, I’ve been thinking more about what it means to be a solo ager. It’s not just being single or without children (by choice or circumstance) but recognizing that families shift. People move. Estrangement happens. Sometimes the support system we expected to have just… isn’t there in the way we imagined.

When my parents divorced in their late 60s after 36 years together, they hadn’t planned to be on their own at that stage of life. For a few years, they both were. One is re-partnered now, one is asking me for dating advice (I feel half endearing about this and half eyeroll), but it was a reminder that life can pivot in ways we don’t plan for. In those moments, it’s best to already have a plan in place on what aging and care (and how we’re paying for it) looks like in our lives.

Planning for the Future

As an end-of-life professional, I’ve supported many incredible humans (who were technically not alone, but practically, they were) plan their future. Their closest relatives lived far away, or the relationships weren’t strong. In the end, they leaned on friends, neighbors, paid caregivers, and community.

Planning ahead is a gift, whether you rely on your family of origin or your family of choice. And we should all be planning as if we must rely on ourselves and the communities we create. Women especially need to be thinking about this because statistically, we live longer.

Here are some ways that I, as a professional, am trying to take my own advice and plan ahead:

I Have a Healthcare Proxy in Place

This is to ensure that if something happened to me and I needed someone to make medical decisions on my behalf, I am covered. I chose someone I know understands and will honor my wishes, can make decisions under pressure, and isn’t afraid to ask questions or advocate on my behalf.

I’ve Organized My Digital Life

Before the digital age, many people had that desk drawer or filing cabinet that held all the important documents. The insurance policies, the deed or mortgage information, the health insurance information, the will, credit card statements – everything you need to piece together someone’s financial, health and legal life.

Now everything is decentralized and scattered amongst dozens if not hundreds of websites. It’s important to have an inventory of what you have, and how to access it. That’s why I have a digital password manager and digital vault that a trusted person can access if I need help while I’m alive or for my executor after I’m gone. Is it perfect? No. But will it leave someone with a fairly clear map of what’s important? Yes.

I Have a Plan for My Pet

If something were to happen to me, I have neighbors with keys who can help. Recently, I had to go to Urgent Care when I stepped on a shard of broken glass. I was making coffee in the morning and all of a sudden, I couldn’t walk and it was time to take Penny out. I called my sister, who lives an 8-minute walk away, and she changed her morning plans in order to help me out (I have the very best of sisters).

I’ve also created a simple document sharing Penny’s vet information, her feeding instructions, her dog walker, her favorite treats and toys, medication (anxious like her mother) and any quirks that if someone needed to step in, should know. I’ve also left a guardian for Penny in my Will and some money set aside for her care so that she’s not a burden.

I Purchased Long Term Care Insurance

Was it the sexiest gift to myself? No. Will my future self be very grateful I did this? Absolutely. Aging is expensive. Aging well is even more expensive.

I Prioritize My Friendships and Relationships

Community and connection are of the utmost importance as we age. A recent study found that loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I call and facetime my closest circle with regularity. I try and go to lectures, cooking classes and events in my area that seem fun but also push me outside of my introverted ideal night of hanging with Penny on the couch. I know that if I need something, I have a steady group who I can rely on and that is something that most of us have to really work to maintain.

Although I’m child-free by choice, I love having meaningful relationships with my nieces and nephews and my friends’ children – prioritizing doing activities and giving experiences with them rather than just gifts that they will discard.

I Created a Roadmap

For my parents first, and then for myself. A few years ago I created the Plan Well Organizer, to document all the important paperwork, decisions, and wishes that families need to have on record (I’m making it a physical folio this year!). I built it with my parents in mind, to help them get organized in a way that wouldn’t fall on me (or my sister) in a moment of crisis. What I didn’t expect was how much filling it out myself would help ease my own anxiety around leaving a mess behind. I don’t want to be the cobbler’s child, metaphorically of course as my parents were both dentists.

That’s what solo aging really looks like. It’s not about being without people. It’s about being thoughtful about who your people are, and how you want to be supported. We all should be planning as if we’re solo agers.

And that’s something all of us, at any age, deserve to reflect on.

Even Penny agrees.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Whether you’re solo or partnered, what does your “plan” look like right now, and is there a gap you know you need to close? We’d love to hear from the community.

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What if I told you that nearly 70% of your immune system lives in your gut – and that the trillions of microbes there may influence everything from your mood to your memory?

After 60, that internal ecosystem becomes even more important – and even more overlooked.

We’ve been taught to think of the gut as a digestion machine. Something that processes food and occasionally misbehaves.

But that’s outdated thinking.

Your “Second Brain” Is Really Your First Brain

Inside your digestive tract lives what scientists call the gut microbiome – a vast community of bacteria that help regulate inflammation, produce vitamins, influence hormones, and communicate directly with your brain through the vagus nerve.

In many ways, this “second brain” is upstream of how you feel.

Energy.

Clarity.

Sleep.

Resilience.

When your microbiome is diverse and balanced, you tend to feel steady and clear. When it’s depleted or inflamed, you may notice fatigue, brain fog, sleep disruption, increased anxiety, or more frequent illness.

And here’s what shifts after 60: microbiome diversity naturally declines. Stomach acid decreases. Motility slows. Medications accumulate. Stress compounds.

None of this is dramatic. It’s gradual.

But over time, it shapes how you experience aging.

The encouraging news? The gut is highly responsive – even later in life. But not in the way most headlines suggest.

Let’s skip the obvious advice and talk about what really moves the needle.

5 Gut Health Shifts Most People Aren’t Talking About

1. Your Gut Loves Rhythm More Than Superfoods

You don’t need exotic powders or the latest supplement trend.

Your gut thrives on rhythm.

Eating at roughly consistent times, allowing digestion to complete between meals, and going to bed at a predictable hour all help regulate your microbiome.

One of the most under-discussed tools? A true overnight fast.

Not starvation. Simply finishing dinner earlier and allowing about 12 hours between dinner and breakfast – and gradually working toward 14–16 hours if appropriate and approved by your doctor.

During that fasting window, your digestive system rests and your gut lining repairs. After 60, that repair time becomes increasingly valuable.

Your gut doesn’t just digest food. It restores itself while you sleep.

2. Fiber Is Not About Constipation – It’s About Communication

Most people think fiber equals regularity.

But fiber is food for your beneficial bacteria.

When those microbes ferment fiber, they produce short-chain fatty acids – compounds that calm inflammation, strengthen the gut lining, and influence brain chemistry.

And here’s what’s often missed: many women over 60 eat far less plant diversity than they think.

It’s not about bran cereal. It’s about variety.

Leafy greens.

Cooked cruciferous vegetables.

Berries.

Flax or chia seeds.

Legumes, if tolerated.

Diversity in plants equals diversity in microbes.

And diversity equals resilience.

3. Stress Reshapes Your Microbiome in Real Time

This is the piece rarely emphasized in a medical appointment.

Your gut bacteria respond to stress hormones.

Chronic stress shifts your microbial balance toward more inflammatory species. It also weakens the gut lining, making immune responses more reactive.

Gut health isn’t just about food. It’s about safety.

When your nervous system feels chronically “on,” digestion suffers. When your body feels calm, digestion improves.

Simple daily practices – slow breathing, humming, walking outside in morning light, quiet pauses during the day – send powerful signals of safety to your system.

Safety supports digestion.

Calm supports repair.

Your microbiome listens to your emotional environment.

4. Fermented Foods Matter – But Consistency Beats Quantity

Yes, fermented foods can help support microbial balance.

But this isn’t about downing sugary yogurt.

Plain kefir (which contains more probiotic strains than most yogurt), sauerkraut, kimchi, or fermented vegetables in small, steady amounts can gently introduce beneficial bacteria.

The key isn’t volume. It’s consistency.

A tablespoon daily does more than a large serving once a week.

Your gut responds to steady input, not occasional extremes.

5. Hydration Is an Immune Strategy

Dehydration becomes more common as we age – and it directly affects digestion and elimination.

Drinking a full glass of water upon waking supports bowel motility, detox pathways, and microbial balance.

It sounds simple. Almost too simple.

But hydration helps maintain the integrity of your gut lining. When that lining is well supported, inflammation decreases and immune responses become more balanced.

When it’s dry and irritated, permeability increases – often referred to as “leaky gut” – which can drive systemic inflammation and fatigue.

After 60, the small habits matter more than ever.

Why This Matters So Much Now

After 60, the body doesn’t bounce back as quickly as it once did.

Inflammation accumulates more easily. Sleep becomes more fragile. Recovery takes longer.

Your gut is not separate from these changes.

It influences them.

When your microbiome is supported:

• Immune responses become more balanced
• Inflammation quiets
• Mood steadies
• Energy improves
• Sleep deepens

Gut health isn’t a trend.

It’s foundational.

And it may be one of the most powerful levers available to you in shaping how you feel in this stage of life.

Where to Begin

If this feels like a lot, start small.

Choose one shift:

• Extend your overnight fasting window slightly
• Add one additional plant food daily
• Begin a brief nervous system reset practice
• Add a tablespoon of fermented vegetables
• Drink that full glass of water first thing in the morning

Consistency beats intensity every time.

The gut responds beautifully to steady care.

And here’s what I’ve seen again and again in my practice: when women begin improving their gut health, other things begin to shift too. They feel clearer. Stronger. More vibrantly alive.

Because your “second brain” is not secondary at all.

In many ways, it’s leading the conversation.

If this resonates with you – if you’re feeling that quiet nudge to support your gut, your energy, and your resilience in a deeper way – I invite you to take the next step.

You’re welcome to book a complimentary 15-minute discovery call with me.

We can explore what’s going on for you and whether working together feels like the right fit.

And for those who love diving into a good book – in print or audio – you can explore THINK AND GROW YOUNG: The Life-Changing Program to Reverse Aging, Live Vibrantly and Reclaim Your Youth.

Your gut may be the most powerful place to begin.

Let’s Talk About Your Gut Health:

How do you support your gut health? What habits have you created – or need to adopt – to better care for your microbiome?

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For nearly 20 years, I was the queen.

Not literally – but close enough. I directed a small but mighty research center at a university, with an annual operating budget of a million dollars. I raised funds, set the vision, networked, hired, mentored, and made sure the whole operation honored our mission: supporting rural schools from low-income communities.

My associate director of 10 years had a system for our weekly meetings – he would draw a small crown next to anything he wanted to raise with me, so he could quickly see which topics to bring up. The queen would weigh in.

I’m laughing as I write this, because it sounds absurd. But it also felt really good. People scheduled things around my availability. When I walked into a room, I had credibility before I said a word. The center was often called “Elaine’s center” – not its actual name. My ego was well-fed.

And then I retired.

What surprised me most was how easy it was to walk away from the role itself. Nearly two decades of relationships, programs, partnerships – and I basically haven’t looked back. What I didn’t anticipate was the loss of being known. Being sought after. Having people need what I specifically had to offer.

If any of this sounds familiar, this article is for you.

Why High-Achieving Women Struggle More – Not Less

Here’s what I’ve observed, both personally and as a retirement transition coach: the women who worked hardest to build careers are often the ones who find retirement most disorienting. And that’s not a coincidence.

Think about who we were for all those years. Many of us could wake up early, make sure the kids were fed and loved, work productively and efficiently, come home and do it all over again – and then tackle a work task after dinner. We mastered high performance and multi-tasking. We brought home the bacon and fried it up in the pan. (You know the commercial.) If we were lucky, we derived tremendous meaning and accomplishment from what we did. We were recognized. Respected. Sought after.

That’s exactly what makes retirement so destabilizing.

When the career ends, it doesn’t just take the job. It takes the structure that organized our days, the feedback loop that told us we were doing well, the social connection we didn’t have to manufacture, and the identity we’d spent decades building. For many of us, we knew we existed – in the most visceral sense – because of the respect and recognition we received. We may not have spent much time cultivating an inner world, because there simply wasn’t room.

And yet, the advice available to women navigating retirement rarely addresses any of this directly. Most resources focus on finances, travel, or finding new hobbies. The specific psychological experience of leaving a high-achieving professional identity – that part often goes unnamed. Which is part of why so many accomplished women find themselves caught off guard.

What We Actually Lose

Let me name it plainly, because I think it matters to see it clearly.

When we retire, we lose our title and the status that came with it. We lose the daily feedback – literal or otherwise – that confirmed we had something valuable to offer. We lose our connection to our fields, to technology, to the latest trends and ideas in our profession. We lose a ready-made social world of people who knew us, cared about us, and shared our professional DNA.

One of my clients, a longtime executive who retired after decades of leadership, described it this way: she missed being recognized as an expert and being sought after as an advisor. She talked about how energizing it had felt to give presentations – the room listening, the applause afterward. She wondered, out loud, whether she’d ever feel that way again.

I also lost something I didn’t expect: I stopped laughing as freely. I realized this when I had a dream about my former associate director – the one with the crown system. In the dream, we were sitting together laughing uproariously, the way we used to in our best moments. When I woke up, it hit me: I don’t have that kind of easy, organic laughter in my days anymore. Not because my life is sad – it isn’t – but because I’m no longer surrounded by people who share a history with me, who catch the reference, who appreciate the joke. That kind of laughter is one of the hidden casualties of leaving work behind.

We also lose our excuses. For years, “I’m so busy at work” justified not cultivating our inner world, not experimenting with who we were outside of our roles, not setting limits with friends and family. Retirement removes that cover. Suddenly we’re face to face with questions we’ve never had to answer.

The Question Nobody Prepared You For

Who am I now?

Not, who were you? Not, what did you accomplish? Who are you now — when the title is gone, the calendar is open, and no one is waiting for your sage advice?

Most high-achieving women have never seriously sat with this question. Our identities were shaped around achievement, contribution, and external validation. We knew ourselves through what we did and how well we did it. That worked beautifully for decades. It just doesn’t translate cleanly to retirement.

This is the heart of what makes retirement harder for women like us. It’s not a character flaw. It’s almost a predictable outcome of how we were wired to succeed.

What the Space Can Open Up

Here’s the part I want you to hear clearly: the loss is real, and something else is possible.

When the professional identity loosens its grip, space opens up. Not immediately, and not without some fumbling – but it opens. I’ve watched it happen with clients, and I’ve lived it myself.

One of my clients, a recently retired administrator, realized early in our work together that her outer world was full and good – meaningful relationships, a comfortable home, a community she cared about – but her inner world had been neglected for years. The one thing she really wanted in retirement was to write. Once she named that, she created a simple daily practice: early morning walks in a forest near her house, phone left behind. Just space to hear herself think. That’s where her writing began.

Another client had no clear sense of how she grounded herself each day. When I asked her, she paused and thought about it. She reached out to friends by text each morning, but beyond that she was drawing a blank. Retirement was finally giving her slower mornings to start exploring what a real inner practice might look like for her.

I’m in this exploration myself. I’ve tried plenty of things in my first eight months – some clicked, some didn’t, and all of it was useful information. But the moment that surprised me most was simpler than any class or activity. I started showing up consistently at Friday night services at my synagogue. And something began to happen there – a slow version of the Cheers “Norm!” moment, where people recognize me, call me by name, and I feel like I belong to something. It reminds me of what I loved most about work: being part of a community, being known, mattering to a group of people who show up week after week. That’s not a hobby. That’s belonging.

This is what I think of as the second adolescence of retirement. We have time, space, and some freedom to try things and see what fits. Not every experiment works. That’s entirely the point.

Two Things That Actually Help

In my work with women navigating this transition – both those who’ve just retired and those who are still a year or two out – two shifts make the biggest difference.

Developing a Daily Practice of Checking in with Yourself

Not a productivity ritual – a self-ritual. It might be journaling, a morning walk, prayer, meditation, or simply sitting with a cup of coffee and asking: What’s going on in my heart and mind today? How do I want to feel? What do I need to be aware of?

For women who spent decades being highly attuned to everyone else’s needs, this practice is often surprisingly hard. And surprisingly clarifying.

Adopting an Experimenter’s Mindset

Start trying things – even small things – and pay attention to what gives you energy and what drains it. Cross things off the list without shame. Stay curious rather than conclusive. I’ve seen women begin this process before they even retire, and it makes an enormous difference. Clarity almost always comes from action, not from thinking harder.

A First Step

If you’re navigating this transition – whether you’ve recently retired, you’re still deciding, or you’re a few years in and still finding your footing – the question “Who am I now?” isn’t a sign that something went wrong. It’s the right question. And it deserves a real answer.

I’ve created a free guide specifically for high-achieving women sitting with exactly this question. It’s called the Who Am I Now? Guide – five short reflections you can move through in about 20 minutes, or sit with more slowly if you want to go deeper. Either way, most women tell me they feel something shift by the end of it.

The guide walks you through naming where you are in this transition, releasing the roles that are ready to be let go, reconnecting with what made you come alive long before your career began, identifying how you want to feel each day as your north star, and capturing a snapshot of who you’re becoming. Not as a conclusion – as a beginning.

Think of it as spring cleaning for your inner world. When you clear out what no longer fits, you make room for what’s actually yours.

Download the free Who Am I Now? Guide here.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s one thing you’ve gained in retirement that surprised you – or one thing you miss more than you expected? I’d love to hear in the comments.

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Originally posted at: Kyle Richards’ Light Flared Jeans and Blue Striped Cropped Shirt

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