I’d like to talk about a difficult topic, depression – and what we may be teaching our children and grandchildren about revealing vulnerability. Or not teaching them.

Lots of people don’t like talking about troubling things. You might rather read a post that’s more light-hearted, more upbeat. Unless you’re one of the ones struggling with difficult feelings – maybe even depression.

The Rise of Depression

There are many current studies highlighting an international rise of depression and suicide. It’s becoming a rampant issue. It is one that is more and more likely to affect your life or the lives of those you love. Wherever you live. At whatever age.

The rise of depression with increased social media involvement in younger people is well documented. Symptoms are being recognized as what they really are. Depression should be grabbing our attention as a culture, and as a world.

I’ve been writing for a few years about a different version of depression, one that won’t likely be included in these studies. This is one where people wouldn’t admit to experiencing symptoms such as depressed mood, not enjoying things that you’ve previously enjoyed, foggy thinking, a tendency to isolate.

It might include sleep and appetite changes, maybe even a sense of hopelessness or helplessness. The symptoms of classic depression might not be present. Or if they are, they aren’t revealed. Ever.

Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD)

Actually, people with PHD look engaged, happy, productive. They’re often the people others look up to, “I want to be like them. They’ve got a great marriage, a wonderful career.”

As we age, these folks are the people who appear to have exciting lives, whether they’re retiring or staying in the work world. They’re busy, busy, busy.

One could even write a midlife blog, touting how stimulating and empowering it is to age gracefully. They’ll give tips for staying active and upbeat, while secretly stumbling down a rabbit hole of despair and emptiness when alone at night.

Obviously, there are some people who are truly doing well. We can all learn from them.

But many of us may believe, and have modeled for our younger people, that it’s not okay to admit feeling overwhelmed. That it’s embarrassing to talk about the discrepancy that can exist between what life looks like and what it feels to be living it.

Stanford Duck Syndrome

In a Gen-Y Psychology Today column, Caroline Beaton quotes a Stanford blogger on the Stanford Duck Syndrome: “Everyone on campus appears to be gliding effortlessly across this Lake College. But below the surface, our little duck feet are paddling furiously, working our feathered little tails off.”

For Stanford students, the duck syndrome represents a false ease and fronted genius. “Frustration, anxiety, self-doubt, effort and failure don’t have a place in the Stanford experience.”

Where did, “We learn from our mistakes” go?

The Penn Face

How about the Penn face? The student author of this article is warning future graduates of Penn to stay away from the hypocrisy of putting on a smile and trying to look like everything’s going smoothly, when it’s very difficult.

On a national morning show in the US, I heard a psychiatrist answer questions about what parents should do if depression is suspected. The interview was showcasing the book What Made Maddy Run by Kate Fagan, a true story of one young female Penn track star who jumped to her own death.

The answer troubled me. She basically cited classic symptoms of depression – isolating, sleeping too much or not at all, wanting to drop out of things. At that point, I was yelling at the TV.

Maddie Holleran, the young woman in the book, was talking about not enjoying track anymore, about how much she wasn’t enjoying being at Penn. But she didn’t look consistently depressed.

She put on a great face when taking a selfie or Face Timing with friends. She never told anyone she was thinking of and researching suicide.

Her parents agreed to the book to help others through their own tragedy. What an extremely admirable thing to do – to make your own very private grief, public.

Adults don’t have control over what their children go through. But we do have control of what we teach them and how to handle things if feeling overwhelmed.

We can model openness and honesty. We can remember that depression can wear many faces, and they’re not all sad.

Here’s a questionnaire to determine if you may belong on the spectrum of Perfectly Hidden Depression.

You can hear more about Perfectly Hidden Depression and many other topics by listening to my new podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you agree that we often hide our vulnerability and depression from our friends and family? Please join the conversation below.

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Photo: @chilis

Originally posted at: Katie Maloney’s Black Feather Trim Tweed Dress

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Have you considered meeting a man in real life versus at an online dating site? When I pose this question to the women I speak with, they often tell me they’re not sure where single men over 50 are hanging out.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Let’s clear that mystery up once and for all. Men are everywhere! But the reason it’s hard to meet them is because we tend to go to the same places over and over again.

We simply get in the pattern of staying within a 3- to 5-mile radius of where we live. Just think about the same restaurants you go to or the same movie theaters you frequent. We are creatures of habit!

Now that spring is here, it’s a good time to get out and start exploring some new places where you can meet men. A creative way to do this is to write all of the letters in the alphabet from A – Z on a piece of paper.

Fill in the Blanks

You’re going to have 26 lines. After each letter, I want you to write down a potential place, either in your area, or a place you want to visit that corresponds with that letter.

An easy example of this is A for airport. Men fly around the world for business on a daily basis. There’s always some man you can speak with whether it’s at one of the bars or restaurants in the airport or at the gate while you’re waiting to board.

I’m going to give you a couple of letters that are a little harder to figure out. Q is one of the hardest. How about the Quick Mart, which is like a convenience store?

Why is the Quick Mart a great place to meet a guy? Well, this is the place you both go to find something you need at the last minute.

Maybe it’s milk, or a bottle of wine, or even butter for a recipe you decided to make. You’re standing together in line, waiting to check out, so it’s an easy place to start a conversation.

Now let’s do the letter X. You could meet men in the Xerox place. For most of us, the Xerox place is Kinko’s, but you can call it the Xerox Place, because X is a pretty hard letter to fill in.

A lot of businessmen rely on Kinko’s to take care of their printing needs. You can ask a man questions about the project he’s picking up, and from there the conversation has the potential to take off.

Shared Interest Is Key

When you’re filling out your list, you’ll want to think about places where you might have a shared interest with men. You’re not going to find too many men at knitting classes. But you would find men rock climbing, hiking, and golfing.

If you love reading, head to the library or watch for men reading books on buses, trains, or even in a restaurant. You can always ask a question about the book they’re reading.

If you love music, go to concerts and bars that feature music and ask a man what his favorite band is. Your goal is choosing places that give you common ground so it’s easier to get the conversation flowing.

Conversation Is in Your Interest

Talk to men everywhere you go. Recently, I was at an airport restaurant grabbing lunch before my flight took off. A man was sitting close to me eating chili. I asked him how the chili was, and we got in a conversation that lead to figuring out we’d both grown up in the same area eating Cincinnati chili.

Talking to men everywhere makes you proactive and open to new opportunities. Yes, some men might be married but lots are single which means you just might talk to a man who could be the right match for you.

So, next time you find yourself thinking there are no good men out there, pull out your A-Z list and start heading to those places. Who knows, by the end of the summer, you could have a new man in your life!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What was the strangest place where you struck a conversation with a man? What story can you share about it? Do you think men are as eager – or scared! – to meet women as we are to meet them? Please use the comment box below!

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Have you ever ended the day having not done something you had told yourself you wanted to because you were “too busy?” This is part 2 of a three-article series about common ways we hold ourselves back from living the life we truly desire. The first article discussed how easy it is to find ways to talk ourselves out of making life changes that will move us toward fulfillment. Now, we will explore the role of “busyness” in keeping us stuck when we truly desire something different.

Why We Think “Busy” Is Important

If there is any fear of change associated with the adjustments you want to make in your life, being busy is a natural response that alleviates the fear. Often, this busyness response can distract you from moving toward what you want. It is our version of the often-repeated tale of authors cleaning out closets instead of working on their book.

In fact, being busy is something that is revered in our culture in the United States and other parts of the world. Here are some of the reasons for that.

The Laziness Factor

First, being viewed as “lazy” is not desirable in some cultures. Have you ever called yourself “lazy” when you decided to not do something to its full potential? Maybe you only walked two miles instead of four. Maybe you didn’t get the lawn mowed or weeding done. Sometimes it is okay to not do it all, all the time.

What if you did just what feels in flow to you, some of which might look “lazy” to others, but feels good to you? I have a very hard time napping because I’m not getting things done. I have learned that allowing myself space and time to rest helps me live more fully in the hours ahead.

Busy = Important?

Next, we tend to believe that busyness defines our personal value. A person who is exceedingly busy must be doing important things that make a difference, right? The reality is that sometimes the most important things get done when we are calm, focused and allow ourselves to be in flow.

In retirement, we are sometimes faced with the feeling that we aren’t important anymore, so busyness may ease that feeling. So, to address this kind of busyness, begin with developing your sense of value just by being who you are. You are part of the fabric of life that wants you to show up by being yourself. That is perfect and enough.

The Busyness of Productivity

Finally, we think being busy is the same as being productive. This is like thinking multi-tasking is more efficient than focusing on one task at a time. It is not. In retirement, we are not just filling time; we are “full-filling” our life. Often, the most productive people are the ones who “go slow to go fast.” The trick is to allow yourself the time to stay open and deliberate in your activities. The idea is to focus your actions on your fulfillment, rather than being productive.

A life of busyness carries with it a steep price.

The Price We Pay

Burnout

For people who work full-time, one of the consequences of busyness is burnout and just being tired of it all. Is there an equivalent to this in retirement? I have not felt this; I am curious if you, as a retired person, have experienced feeling burnout. I’d love to hear your assessment of why it happened and how you handled it. My sense is that it may be related to the feeling of being “stuck.”

Ignoring Real Goals

We don’t connect with what we really desire. Busyness can become the goal. At a time in our lives when we have the freedom to live out our dreams, we don’t. In the end, we perpetuate two of the most common regrets of people when they look back on their lives – wishing they had lived their dreams and had taken more risks.

Relationships Suffer

Our relationships with friends and family are less rich than they could be. This includes connection with yourself. We can be too busy to be fully present for others and ourselves. Again, this contributes to the regrets we may have at the end of life. These include being more loving and understanding with the people we love, being a better partner and/or parent, and pausing to simply enjoy life through deciding for fun and being happy.

The consequences of busyness strike me counter to the rich and fulfilling life we now have the opportunity to create. Do you agree? Of course, there is a difference between busyness to fill time and being busy fulfilling yourself.

How to be “Unbusy”

In a business setting, a coach might suggest that you streamline your calendar to emphasize your goals, so you achieve them. That is not what we are doing now in our 60s, 70s and beyond.

Beyond 60, We Have Different Priorities

Rather than setting a goal, we want to live aligned with what matters to us. Usually, what matters includes relationships, health, and an overall sense of aliveness or vitality. So, the first step is to become quiet and spend time becoming more aware of what matters to you. Amazingly, when we quiet from busyness, we might find we actually love being right where we are. Or you may notice that you would like more friend time or to feel healthier.

What Works for Me

I will share what works for me. I meditate for 30 minutes each morning. Thoughts are allowed and even welcomed in my meditation, or not if I can become that quiet. Somehow, afterwards I know what is important for me in the day ahead. Sometimes it is writing, sometimes calling a friend or relative, sometimes it is making time to be in nature. Simply begin by asking yourself, “What is important to me today?” and allow your answer to become clear. There is no right answer!

Other Examples

Rather than being driven by a calendar schedule or list, one approach is to mentally block out chunks of time for what matters. Examples include a weekly exercise routine or plan some time in each week to visit with friends or make a date with yourself.

I just had a discussion with a friend this morning where she explained that she is gifting herself Sundays just for her, enjoying herself and her life. She acts in alignment with what she wants; she does not fall into the busyness trap due to providing spaciousness around each activity she schedules.

In example, she divides the day into morning, afternoon, and evening. Then she makes sure she plans activities for no more than two of the three segments in the day. For me, I love the freedom to know what I want for the day and then just move in that direction through flow. What works for you?

When coaching women committed to creating a more fulfilling life, one common activity is to focus some time each day on one thing that will move them in the direction they want. Simply ask yourself what that activity is each morning (after meditation?). Simple steps count! If you want more social connection, reach out and call or message a friend.

The bottom line is to be conscious about the alignment between your time and thoughts with what it is you truly want for yourself as you live your life.

As Alan Cohen said, “Busyness is not a reason for not getting other things done. It is an excuse for not claiming your true priorities.”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you stay in alignment with what matters to you? Are you able to stay out of the busyness trap? Perhaps you are in it! I’d love to hear your story.

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The case of spouse abandonment plagues our world. In the common case, you think your decades-long marriage is fine, you even plan your retirement together – and then POOF! Your spouse, out of the blue, says these shocking words:

• “I’m leaving.”
• “I want out of this marriage. I haven’t been happy for years.”
• “We both know this isn’t working.” (But you didn’t know!) “I’m moving out.”
• “I want you out of the house. I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

It’s devastating when your spouse of 20+ years suddenly decides to end a life-long relationship, especially when things seemed good to you, and there had been no signs that they were suffering.

You Get the Short Straw

But here’s where it gets sticky.

Trying to figure out the “why did they leave?” is going to slow down – or even stop – your healing.

You may end up spending months – even years – wracking your brain, trying to understand why your spouse just up and left when you thought your marriage was fine.

You may toss and turn in your bed at night, unable to sleep, trying to figure out if there was a certain day, or time, or life event, or something you said during your decades together that could have caused your spouse to decide they no longer wanted to be with you.

And you tell yourself, as you dissect the past, that if you get your answers, if your ex gives you the explanation that you are owed, then, and only then, can you get that closure and move on from your long-term marriage.

Ugly Truth #1: You May Not Get the Closure You Want

But lo and behold, that’s rarely the case as you may never get the closure you hoped for.

I know this truth stings, but it’s better to embrace it rather than fight it.

Does your spouse owe you an explanation of why they blindsided you?

Heck yes. It’s the decent, kind and human thing to do. When you were married to a person for years – even decades – and you stood by their side and made sacrifices for the sake of their wellbeing, you at least deserve an explanation and a heads-up.

But the truth of the matter is, a spouse who goes out of their way to just leave you hanging and did not think to give you an explanation when they left, will probably not provide one later either.

Their character shined through in the manner they chose to leave the long marriage, and it’s unlikely that they get a visit from the Human Decency Fairy and knock on your door to a) apologize and b) explain. Chances are, your hopes to get that closure you crave from them may very much be in vain.

Ugly Truth #2: Being a Detective of the Past Will Get You Nowhere

Of course, the logical part of you already knows that the past doesn’t hold the answers. But your heart is a completely different story.

“That’s BS! If I can only find a reason why, then I’ll be able to move on!”

“I can’t move on until they tell me why they changed after all this time.”

I get it. You want those answers, and you want to know why. You want to corner your ex-spouse, tie them up and sit them at a chair, where they cannot leave until they provide you with a full and concise explanation of what made them act that way.

Yes, you want to know why they left and how long they thought about it. Were they thinking of leaving the last few times you were at dinner together? When you were discussing retirement, sharing the bed, going on vacation? The list goes on and on.

You want to be the detective and look for clues as to why your spouse left. Often, you are guided by the belief that those clues to the past will make you feel better.

That all sounds great, but let’s suspend reality for a second. Let’s imagine your spouse gives you a full explanation – a line-by-line account, day-by-day – of why they left.

What do you expect would happen then? Do you think you’d feel somehow vindicated?

Probably not. In all honestly, it may have the opposite effect, and guess what?

The outcome is the same. You’re still going to be in the same place you are now, trying to figure out how to establish your independence at 50 and beyond. The only difference in this scenario is, you’ve spent more emotional energy playing detective than the joker who left you deserved.

Your emotional energy is finite during this recovery time. Don’t waste it on playing detective – invest it on yourself and your life after 50.

Ugly Truth #3: If You Want Closure, It May Have to Come from Within

Someone who left you without an explanation is someone who does not deserve to spend the rest of your life with you. It doesn’t matter if they were your spouse, co-parent or partner for years.

If they walk out the door without having enough decency to let you know why, you are better off finding the closure and moving on by yourself.

Their explanation won’t unlock your emotional recovery. Waiting on them to grace you with that honor, and wasting your time playing detective robs you of the precious time and energy that you should be investing in your own recovery, healing and moving on.

You Shouldn’t Figure This Stuff Out by Yourself

No one’s saying you have to go through this process alone. In fact, thinking you have to just “suck it up” can actually stifle your healing process, and that’s not cool, either.

There is a ton of resources out there that you can turn to for help, and many of them deal specifically with abandonment issues. A great place to start is Runaway Husbands, which has a supportive community of folks who all share a similar story – both men and women are welcome!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the words ‘spouse abandonment’? Have you had to deal with this kind of thing in the past? Are you dealing with spouse abandonment now? What helps your healing process? What type of advice would you share with others going through the same difficult life circumstance? Please join the conversation below.

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