Downsizing Your Home as a 60+ Woman: Facing the Discomfort of Uncertainty
The only thing in life that’s certain is
death. Everything else is to the contrary. Now that’s not very comfortable for
most of us. We tend to be most comfortable living with the illusion of
certainty.
I think one of the things that makes the ever
accelerating pace of climate change so difficult to really grasp is that if we
do, we have to face the fact that things we’ve taken as “certain” – e.g., catastrophic weather related events
occur every once in a great while, the oceans stay within their boundaries, we’ll
always have good air to breathe – are no
longer certain at all.
Downsizing Brings Discomfort
On perhaps a lesser scale, I think the same
thing happens to us when we consider beginning a major downsizing of our home. And
this is especially true if coupled with that downsizing is a move.
Right now we know exactly where all our seasonal
holiday decorations are. We know where our yard and garden implements are and
the approximate month when different tasks need to be done.
We know the general outline of most days: what
time we’ll get up, who we’re likely to see when we go outside, how long it
usually takes to get to the grocery store, where we usually like to sit or
stand to have breakfast.
And then, what happens when we go to get our
very favorite old sweater to drape around us as we read, only to realize that
it is one of the items we threw out? We may remember saying to ourselves, “I do
not need this old, ratty sweater with holes in the elbows.”
Yet now we feel almost bereft because it has
become a symbol of all the things we’re used to having around us that now are
gone. It can suddenly feel as if nothing in our lives is any longer “certain.”
The sobering fact is that it’s true.
Moreover, it was true before our downsizing,
but we somehow managed to “trick” ourselves into certainty about our
environment and our lives because things were so familiar.
What Remains Is Memories
What does remain steady and go with
us as we downsize and move? What I would advise any of my downsizing clients is
to remember that the major thing that goes with us is our memories. Many of the
things we will get rid of as we downsize have memories attached to them.
We remember the vacation where we got
the seashell. We remember the graduation where our daughter or son removed the
tassel before tossing the cap into the air.
We remember the total joy on the face
of our grandchild the first time they sat in that little rocking chair with the
ponies painted on the back. And on and on.
And if we try, we will realize that
we don’t need that chair to clearly remember the look on that little face when
that chair was first spotted. The memory is deep inside us, and we will take it
with us wherever we go.
That’s such an important thing to
remember as you begin the process of downsizing. The most important part of
most “treasured” things you need to get rid of are the memories attached to
them. It’s not the physical thing itself.
The What Ifs
There’s also the uncertainty of “but what if I need this thing again?” Clearly, it is not possible to imagine all the things you might need throughout the rest of your life. None of us can do that. But a reasonable clue is to figure out the last time you used the pan, or [insert appropriate item].
Quite often, you can’t even remember the last time you used the thing in question. You may even be surprised to find it as you begin clearing out!
If either of those is the case, that’s a big clue that it can go. In cases of “but what if I need it?” it’s better to use guidance from the lack of use in the past than the uncertainty of a possible need in the future.
Get Comfortable with the Truth
It’s also important to try to get more comfortable with the truth of uncertainty. It’s just the way things are.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly uncertain or anxious about a situation, I try to remember to tell myself, “Well, I’m OK right now!” and then, “And right now!” and to also try to realize that what I’m feeling most anxious about are things that “might” happen that haven’t happened – and might never happen.
I love the quotation from Mark Twain: “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
Trying to hold on to
the illusion of certainty will not prevent “bad” things from happening,
although it may make us less flexible and alert to the reality of the preset
moment.
I went through a major
downsizing last year, and it was accompanied by many difficult feelings as I
explain in my book The Upside of Downsizing: Getting to Enough.
Although it’s not easy,
I believe the best way to deal with the uncertainty we all feel during a major
downsizing is to face the certainty of uncertainty instead of trying to fight
it.
Trying to get control
of all the things we have no control over not only is futile, but also adds to
the exhaustion of the downsizing and moving process.
You can do it! Just take a deep breath and begin. Good luck!
Through the years past,
how often have you had to downsize and move? What did you feel in those
moments? How did you cope with the uncertainty? What did you do to get back the
feeling of comfort? Please share in the comments below.
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