Month: February 2024

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Originally posted at: Kyle Richards’ Black Crystal Embellished Dress on WWHL

A 2023 survey done by bankrate.com found that nearly 40% of respondents are committing some kind of financial infidelity on their partners. And although the younger generations seem to have a higher incidence of this, no generation is immune. More on the bankrate.com survey here.

Why Is Financial Infidelity So Common?

When we are stressed out, we tend to deploy a weird kind of optimism, which can sound like:

“I’ll tell my wife about this loan next month after I’ve already started paying.”

“He’s had a hard day, I don’t want to start an argument, I’ll just tell him later.”

This kind of avoidance is not a personality defect, but a protective strategy. Rarely have I worked with someone who’s engaging in financial infidelity to be intentionally malicious.

Most often the early stages of financial infidelity are motivated by wanting to keep the peace, not wanting to burden or worry our partners, or trying to protect ourselves. All too quickly there’s inertia in keeping that secret… it just gets bigger and bigger the more we try to hide it.

The guilt and shame applies even more pressure, and of course we don’t have good tools on HOW to tell our partners when things didn’t quite go the way we thought they would.

Financial Infidelity Can Damage an Otherwise Healthy Relationship

Wherever you draw the line on acceptable secret keeping vs unacceptable secret keeping, financial infidelity can be destructive to a relationship and the individuals in that relationship.

Of course it’s a breach of trust… “If I didn’t know this about you, what ELSE don’t I know about you?!”

We choose our partners (hopefully) because we feel safe and seen with them. That connection is deeply important to us humans. Financial infidelity can be interpreted as “I don’t know you” which means “You don’t know me,” which translates pretty quickly to “We’re disconnected” and then “I don’t feel safe.” Trust = connection and intimacy = safety.

Can Financial Infidelity Impact Other Kinds of Intimacy?

OOOoooh ya. I’ve seen this in my practice many times. As couples spiral in their financial conversations, their sexual intimacy can take a hit too.

This is a reflection of intimacy and connection. Think of how vulnerable we are during sex… we’re naked, in close proximity to another human, and for a time in a physical/emotional state that makes us less aware of our surroundings.

Our finances are very much the same. To reveal our true finances to anyone, but especially the person most important to us in the world, we have to get pretty financially naked. In both cases we’re highly concerned about criticism or judgment (from ourselves and our partners). We want to know we’re doing things the “right” way. We want to feel connected and safe in both of these high-pressure domains.

If you feel like you have to protect yourself or your partner from a hidden financial truth, you’ll automatically be more guarded in all your interactions, even if you try not to. That guard prevents intimacy in other parts of our lives, especially sex.

On the plus side of things, as a couple grows their connection and communication in one part of their lives (finances), it almost always translates into deeper intimacy in the bedroom too!

How to Handle That Fear of Criticism and Judgment

This might sound a bit counterintuitive, but I recommend NOT coming clean all at once. Ripping off that band aid might feel cathartic and resolving for you, but it may be devastating to your partner.

My recommendation is to first learn or relearn how to trust yourself. This resilience means you can take risks, like disclosing something potentially devastating to your partner. This means being patient with yourself AND your partner.

I recommend NonViolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg) as a way to both recover from and then to prevent things like financial infidelity.

Couples therapy, of course, is not a bad idea, particularly if the therapist is EFT certified.

Working with a trauma-informed financial coach who’s experienced with this topic is great too. (Full disclosure, I’m a trauma-informed financial coach with experience working with couples with financial infidelity.) If those resources aren’t available, finding a neutral third-party who can listen and help you strategize on how to tell your partner may help!

Further read, THE LOVING THOUGHT OF FINANCIAL FIDELITY.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What areas of life does financial infidelity damage most often, in your opinion? What signs of financial infidelity might clue a person in? Do you think this is a reversible situation?

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Originally posted at: Crystal Kung Minkoff’s White Ruffle Off The Shoulder Dress

Originally posted at: Dorit Kemsley’s Black and Gold Reading Glasses

Aging fearlessly in an ever-advancing modern world requires many inputs – a sensible diet, routine physical exercise, medical maintenance and smart financial planning, to name a few. But none of these efforts are successful without a command of technology, making efforts to stay on top of it one of the single most important applications adults can make to their second-half equation.

According to a 2023 AARP study, technology use by older Americans is trending. The study reported eight in 10 respondents said, “technology has become an integral part of their life” and that they use it to communicate with caregivers, family, and friends. Of those who responded, the report also showed:

• 86% own a smartphone
• 70% own a smart television
• 59% use a tablet
• 28% own a wearable device
• 94% text
• 88% email
• 74% are on social media
• 67% video chat
• over 80% stream entertainment into their home.

Being technology-savvy during the senior experience also has financial, health and safety benefits. Technology is a part of making medical appointments, receiving health information, providing security to the home, paying bills, banking, investing, researching and planning major life events. And perhaps most importantly, technology is a key ingredient when it comes to connecting with and staying close to younger family members and friends – the folks who are essential to managing and supporting us senior adults during our Golden Years.

Technology is part of everything that is important in life!

So how does a smart older adult keep up with it all – especially when technology changes day to day, sometimes minute by minute? The short answer is – you don’t have to be an expert. You just have to be open to new ideas, learn a few new habits and maintain fluency in the technology resources that are aligned with your personal needs and uses, and those of your loved ones. Here are five suggestions on how to stay tech-savvy during the second half of life.

Poll Your Friends and Family About Communication and Social Media Resources They Use Regularly and Begin Your Self-Education in Those Spaces

Part of your technology education goal is to establish reliable connections with others. That begins by understanding what tools people in your community are using. According to the AARP study, “the most popular social media platforms among adults 50 and over are Facebook and YouTube. Use of Instagram increased from 24% in 2021 to 28% in 2022 among this age group; TikTok use also rose, from 10% to 15%. More than 80% engage in at least some form of streaming for entertainment, and 65% do so on a smart TV.”

Maybe it’s a similar course in your corner of the world. But you’ll never know until you ask. Once you have a clearer idea of where your people are gathering, communicating and being entertained online, learn what it will take to make room for yourself on those platforms.

Build a Presence on Social Media

The next step is to create accounts for yourself in these spaces. Begin with Facebook and Instagram. Facebook continues to be a popular platform for older adults and is a great place to keep up with birthdays, celebrate friends’ successes and share news and photos.

Instagram is more image-based and is a fun place for adults to sharpen their photo editing skills and visual design. The only way to navigate these platforms successfully is to tap, try and post your way through the process. There is no “doing it right” or best course protocol.

Fluency in these areas happens organically and with practice. Social media is more fun and effective when you make an effort to friend, connect and engage with others. Once you get the hang of it, you will build a comfort level with your activity and enjoy the relationships that begin flourishing on the line.

Find a Willing Teenager to Acclimate You to New Applications and Digital Resources and Keep You Abreast of New Trends

Teenagers are the secret sauce for success when it comes to cooking up a zesty technology education. They know it intimately and naturally. Find a patient young person who will help direct you on the ins and outs of tech resources.

Then practice what you learn and celebrate their assistance and your newfound awareness with some spending money or a treat they love. The double-whammy is you get to spend time and advance connections with someone you adore.

Discover What Communication Tools Work Best for You and Master Them – But Be Open to Learning Tools That Work Best for Others in Your Circle

Whether you’re a CB radio person or a landline gal, know how your communication tool works and how to integrate others into it. But don’t be a my-way-or-the-highway curmudgeon. While you may be proficient in your comms, it may not align at all with others in your circle and as such, you should be open to using other communication tools that work best for all.

Invest and Stay Current in Home Entertainment Technology and Digital News Sourcing

The internet, email, social media and digital entertainment programs are increasingly your only sources for entertainment, learning and news-sourcing so make sure you always know how to receive it, or you will be bored and misinformed and otherwise left out of life. This is not good for your cognition, mental health or social connections.

Attend Technology Classes – Virtual or In-Person – Offered by Local Libraries, Colleges and Small Businesses

Many colleges, libraries and nonprofit organizations offer technology courses that can help older adults stay current in technology resources and other applications. And most are free! Keep your eyes open on social media for new opportunities to learn.

Have a Positive and Fluid Attitude Toward Technology

What you learn about technology in one day will evolve and/or change completely the next. Expect this and keep moving.

Why does digital fluency compute and why should you be hip to it? Increasingly, technology connects and sustains all of us – in almost every area of life and in most every community around the world. Being afraid of or reluctant toward technology doesn’t do you or your loved ones any favors. Embracing new digital tools and integrating them into your life is empowering for everyone.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How are you exploring and expanding your fluency in technology tools, social media and communication? Have you learned to navigate a new device or software lately? Where did you look for study resources, or did you ask someone to help you?