Our girlfriends see us through the best and worst of life. In times of heartbreak, failure, and success, they are there for us. We share each other’s innermost secrets and celebrate special times together. These friendships, which can be so essential to our well-being and sometimes span decades, are ones we are sure will endure.
So, why is it that just when these friendships seem to have stood the test of time, they end – sometimes abruptly, and without explanation?
And when
relationships break up for what seem to be trivial reasons, it leaves us to
wonder whether we ever had a real friendship at all. Surely, it seems
counterintuitive to let a friendship we’ve invested so much of our lives into
fall by the wayside.
It Happened to Me
Several years ago, a longtime friendship of mine ended for what seemed to be the most inexplicable of reasons.
I turned down a
girlfriend’s invitation to attend the high-school graduation party, organized
in her backyard, for her granddaughter (a teen I barely knew). After that day,
she did not return my calls. I was bewildered.
We had been
introduced by a mutual friend 40 years before, and it was obvious from the
beginning that we had little in common. She was the stay-at-home mom of two
little girls she had recently adopted, and I was a busy career woman. But
despite our very different lives, a friendship ensued.
Over the years, I was invited to attend her daughters’ milestone celebrations, and, as a dutiful friend, I tried my best to be there. Through her many trials and tribulations, I stood by her as her family life became more and more troubled.
I saw her through the deaths of her husband and mother, handling both their funerals in my capacity as a funeral director. I was also a sounding board through the poor life choices of her children. And it was me she turned to for comfort when the object of her affection married another woman.
Shouldn’t all that
count for something? And given these familiarities, why wouldn’t she have felt
comfortable talking things out with me?
She, on the other
hand, never expressed any interest in my career as a writer or came to any of
my book events or speaking engagements. But I was fine with that. I confided in
her, and as the years passed and friendships came and went, hers became a
comfortable mainstay.
Truth be told, as
time went on, it became increasingly clear that what most kept us connected
were shared memories of mutual friends, some of whom were long gone. Still, I
went out of my way to keep the friendship going and thought it would last until
the end of our lives. But I was wrong.
Two Sisters Shared a Friend
I know I am not
alone in experiencing a friend “breakup.” Sisters Barbara Baylor and Elizabeth Mann
(surnames have been changed), shared a longtime friendship with a college
friend of Baylor’s.
The women traveled
together, and the friend often spent holidays with the sisters and their
family. Baylor noticed that her old college friend, the only child of doting
parents, had changed over the years. “She was not the person that I used to
know.”
Still, the
friendship continued until the wedding of Mann’s step-daughter. At the
reception, the friend seemed out of sorts, responding sharply to casual
questions. After that day, Baylor said she never heard from her friend again,
although she tried reaching out to her.
“I was perplexed, ” she said.
The sisters are at
a loss for an explanation as to why their friend dropped out of their lives,
speculating on possible reasons:
Was the friend harboring resentment over a
dinner party invitation Baylor couldn’t make a few years before? Was Mann
merely collateral damage? Or, was it the introduction of a new friend into
their family? Perhaps it was a series of perceived slights?
Whatever led to the
end of the friendship, the sisters will never truly know, but both agree that
their friend had changed. Mann, for her part, has come away feeling that “as
you get older you find some friends are toxic, or just too much work.”
Friendships Can Be Salvaged
Experts say there
is no one reason a friendship breaks up. Some are trivial; some are more
serious. But the good news is, the experts believe that the friendships worth
keeping can be saved through better communication.
In Waking Up in
Winter: In Search of What Really Matters at Midlife, author Cheryl
Richardson states that “So much is written about the ending of romantic
relationships and very little, if any, about the growing apart of friends.”
Writing about the
ending of one of her own longstanding friendships, Richardson says, “As I look
back over the pain and suffering that accompanied the end of our friendship, I
see Suzanne as a spiritual actor in the divine play of this lifetime.”
Friendships can
break up for a variety of reasons. Richardson cited shifting values and
changing priorities as leading to the end of her friendship. Other reasons
include betrayal (real or perceived), disparate career paths, marital status,
unequal social status, peer envy, and growing in different directions.
However, if the
parties believe their friendship is worth saving, and are willing to make time
for one another and talk it out, friendships can endure turbulence and change.
Communication is
key, according to a paper co-written by Dr. Andrew M. Ledbetter, a professor of
communications at Texas Christian University.
He posits that “Friendship strength seems related to friends’ ability to
communicate efficiently. Consequently, those friends who wish to remain close
may wish to invest time discussing how each makes sense of the world. Such
communication skill and mutual understanding may help friends successfully
transition through life changes that threaten friendship stability.”
It’s been said that
losing a friend is sometimes like losing a part of oneself. With that in mind,
perhaps the wisest course is to weather the natural ebb and flow of friendship,
rather than act in anger and haste.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What do you
think about long-term friendships? Has a longtime friendship unraveled in later
life for you? Did you know what went amiss? Please share your stories with our
community.
