This spring I met someone special and had an instant connection. I really like him, and he felt the same way. But then through no fault of either of us, we ended things due to some personal issues.
My heart wasn’t broken because we didn’t date long, but because I liked him so much, it felt a little dented.
Trying to move on, I found myself comparing any new men I met to John (not his real name), and it got to the point that it was hindering my dating experience. I was struggling to let go. Until this week when I had a major ah-ha moment.
There I was, pining over a man who I hardly knew, when BAM, out of nowhere I realized that it wasn’t him that I liked so much, it was his character traits. I liked that he was smart, fun, active, kind, connected to his family, had a silly sense of humor, etc. And most of all, I liked that he put real effort into dating me.
But truth be told, there were some things going on in his life that may have turned into deal breakers over the long-term.
This beautiful epiphany was the perfect feedback I needed because it showed me how I had stopped dating with intention.
What Does That Mean?
Dating with intention means approaching your love life with clarity, mindfulness, and purpose. It’s about stopping that idle swiping and aimless dating so you can shift your focus to men who excite you, have shared values, and long-term potential. It’s about being deliberate with your choices and finding personal connections with men who share your goals and aspirations.
There’s a self-awareness that comes from dating with intention. It requires honesty and bravery. Yes, you’ll make hard choices, but frankly, it’s a much more successful dating style.
My First Steps
Once this thought washed over me, I immediately began writing down everything I liked about John, but I did it in the form of affirmations. By starting with the words I am, your brain perceives that it’s already happened and aligns your behaviors to help make it so.
I used the word men rather than man because I wanted the universe to bring me choices rather than just one… just in case I didn’t like him. I wrote things like:
- I am attracting men who are fun and active.
- I am attracting high quality men who are kind and thoughtful.
- I’m attracting men who are still passionate about their work.
- I am attracting men who like me for who I am.
I wrote until I didn’t have any more to say. No, this doesn’t mean I expanded my checklists. This means that because I’m dating with intention I’m open to attracting men who meet my must-haves and deal breakers PLUS the other personality traits that will deepen our connection.
I read my list every day because it makes me smile and reminds me that love is in the air. I know there are good men out there because I’ve met them. If you believe it, it can work for you too.
It’s About Having Fun
Next, I made the commitment to be more authentic in my chats. I’m smart and serious much of the time so I decided to start showing my fun, silly side. This usually stays hidden until you get to know me really well. But not any more.
When a man chats with me, he sees the real me, quirks and all, and I’m becoming more comfortable with letting new people in quickly. I want to make sure the men I’m interested in have the possibility of being a good fit. It’s such a time saver!
Mindful Choices
Then I began paying more attention to the quality of the man, rather than the quantity. The more time you spend dating the wrong men, the less time you have available to look for the right men. And at this stage of life, time is a commodity.
You don’t need to worry that intentional dating will keep you home alone on Saturday nights. You may date more. Men don’t want to waste time either and will appreciate your honesty from the start. Be open to adding those words to your dating profile.
Enjoy Meaningful Conversations
Because you’re making better choices, you’re spending time with someone who doesn’t shy away from deeper questions. If he does, you know very quickly that he’s not the one you’re looking for. You don’t need to move quickly. You can ask deep questions about shallow topics and still create emotional intimacy.
Live in the Moment with an Eye on the Future
To really enjoy spending time with someone you must stay in the moment. However, as you continue to learn more about each other, you’ll want to decide if this person has enough depth to carry you past the first couple of dates. Are they a good kisser? Could you introduce them to your family and friends?
Then as the relationship goes to the next level, you’ll want to determine if he’s someone with whom you can handle life’s challenges. Is he a good communicator? Will he let you in? Emotional maturity is critical for emotional intimacy in a healthy relationship. You both want to feel safe enough to be honest about your feelings.
Which Brings Understanding
Dating with intention is a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It helps you truly understand what type of person you’ll be able to build genuine connections with based on shared values and compatibility. It’s how you’ll meet a man who will love you the way you want to be loved. As I always say, “Dating is all about you.”
It’s exciting to have clarity around the type of men you invite into your life. It sets the groundwork for trust and open communication from the very beginning. And if the men you’re dating also date with true intention, you may just find your someone special.
If this sounds like a great plan, but you don’t know where to start, join me for my Iron Tiara Masterclass, How to Find Love over 50 Without Losing Yourself. Schedule your personal watch party here and see how you can avoid the three dating mistakes all women make and stop struggling for love.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What tricks or tools do you use to get over heartbreak? Do you date with intention? What is your intention for dating?
