If you’re a mature woman trying to make sense of modern dating, you’ve probably asked yourself: What do men actually want? Are they after “just sex,” younger women (only), a casual fling, a committed relationship, or none of the above?
Do older women actually know what men want – or are we making assumptions based on outdated ideas or our own insecurities?
A lot of us were raised to be wary of men because “they only want one thing.”
From our parents’ antiquated perspective, there was such a danger of an unplanned pregnancy or being shunned by the church, that our parents felt they had to actively terrify us, to convince us to keep our legs crossed. What a disservice done to us! And how about a whole generation or two of men, being pigeon-holed this way?
Good News! We’ve Come a Long Way Lately…
I recently sat down with Dr. Janah Boccio, a psychotherapist and sexologist, to talk about sex, romance, fantasies, aging, and expectations – and uncovered a lot of surprising truths about what men (especially over 60) actually want, and what older women think they want.
Here are the Cliff Notes:
Do Men Just Want Sex, or Are They Looking for More in Their Later Years?
When we talk to actual men – especially mature men – we learn something quite different: a lot of men are craving connection and emotional intimacy, especially as they age.
I’m not saying older men don’t enjoy sex. But the idea that men are only interested in it is a myth that’s been reinforced by decades of cultural messaging.
The truth? Most mature men want to feel wanted. They want to be chosen, pursued, and appreciated – just like women do.
They want romance, warmth, and to be seen for who they really are.
Check out some of these comments (from MEN) from below a recent video I made about what men are really looking for:
As a mid-50s widower, who’s had a few relationships since I lost my wife, I can tell you that (for me at least) I want a connection before I sleep with anyone. The whole package is important – esp around trust. As regards body issues, extremes are bad (way too overweight, or way too thin), but anything in the middle is fine, and this links back to the whole package piece. I work hard to develop trust in relationships, and part of that is accepting all the other person is, physically, emotionally, etc, and helping my partners relax in the bedroom makes for a better experience for both sides. Most importantly, learn to laugh together whilst you are making love!
Honesty, the ability to express what she likes, and game enough to try some things HE wants. Hell, even a remote interest in what he wants would be a huge advantage over most relationships.
As a 65M, I want intimacy. I want to feel wanted.
What About All Those Sexual Fantasies About Young Women?
Many women assume men fantasize about threesomes or being served by young women. And yes, some men might have those thoughts – but that doesn’t mean they necessarily want them to happen in real life. Imagine the pressure to perform!
Fantasies are often just that: fantasies. Most men admit the idea of more than one lady, while fun in theory, would be complicated in practice. Some men do imagine being dominant, while others fantasize about being on the receiving end and being more passive.
One man commented:
I don’t think men need to be dominated, but ALWAYS being the one to initiate is exhausting, especially when it leads to rejection and eventually to a lack of desire to keep trying. When we were dating, my now wife would often drag me to the bedroom. After the vows, that stopped entirely.
Most mature men are hoping to have an active sex life again and are less focused on radical fantasies.
A healthy sex life includes both parties initiating and asking for what they want. Women can lead the way with this.
Are We Overestimating an Older Man’s Interest in Looks and Underestimating Enthusiasm?
Another common misconception is that men are turned off by our aging bodies – our wrinkles, soft bellies, or cellulite. But Dr. Boccio and I agree: if a man is in bed with you, he wants to be.
What’s he focused on? Warmth, curves, connection – and his own performance. We tend to undervalue one of the biggest turn-ons for men: genuine enthusiasm. Not performance. Not perfection. Just real, honest excitement to be with them.
Turns out, the best thing you can bring to the bedroom is not a 30-year-old body – but a mature woman’s confidence and sense of humor.
One man wrote:
Married for 33 years. Wife has wrinkles, rolls, and marks. Sexy is not a dress size. Sexy is an attitude. A real man doesn’t care about the vain things people focus on. If she’s clean, smells nice, and feels good about herself, is most important. As a man, I want honesty, both ways, of what we want and what turns us on.
Knowing What You Want: A Surprising Value Add
One thing older women understand that younger women sometimes don’t – what they want in bed. Based on experience, women are done faking orgasms and ready and able to tell their partners what feels good.
There is just no substitute for experience. Older women are also more likely to have the confidence and grace to ask for what they want clearly and kindly.
We’ve lived, loved, raised families, run businesses, survived heartbreak, and built strong lives. We bring life experience, clarity, and a willingness to speak up about what we do want – and say no to what we don’t. That, it turns out, is surprisingly reassuring and sexy to older men.
Game Playing Is Exhausting!
Because we can talk about things, we bring a level of intimacy many men say they’ve never had with younger women.
That’s our biggest advantage: we don’t waste time, and we don’t play games. We’re in the hunt for love, for companionship, and pleasure, and that’s what we also have to offer.
I’ll let this man’s comment sum it up:
1. Men DON’T just care about sex. We want a partner that is excited to be there too (enthusiasm) and doesn’t look at it as something they HAVE to do.
2. Men are not as concerned about how a woman’s body looks as the woman is. It’s not even close. We wouldn’t be there if we really cared, trust me. And you nailed it on the softness, warmth, and curves. That is what we love!
3. Communication is huge/everything.
If you’re looking for a healthy, lasting love, learn more here about the secrets to finding it.
And rest assured, mature women – everything you need to attract a worthy man, you already have!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What do you think older men want when it comes to dating? What has your experience with real men taught you? Do you think mature women have an advantage with confidence and self-understanding?
