As I brushed my hair and applied mascara, the banter of the morning talk show hosts played in the background. When the women – and men – on television casually mentioned how difficult it is to make new friends, I remembered my own quest. 

A few years ago, for my spouse’s job, we packed up and headed to Nashville. Although it was the right decision for us and our marriage, it was hard to say goodbye to 20 years of friends and belonging.

Book club, Bible
study, birthday celebrations, dinner parties, barbecues – those gatherings in
Houston, which declared I was accepted and part of something bigger.

How Do You Find a Friend Group?

It takes time to make the sorts of friends I used to call when I needed kid advice or wanted to groan and vent. How do I start over and build a community in a brand-new place? At my age I worried it was too late to find a group.

As the newbie – and
especially a newcomer with no young kids or a job to connect me – it was hard
to wiggle my way in and become part of a friend group. Gone were the days when I
could rely on the carpool line or football bleachers or work or school meetings
for companionship and conversation.

Except for my
husband, I was on my own. And I was lonely.

A Plan to Find Friends

And so I developed a plan. Every single day, I pledged to do one new thing to immerse myself in this unfamiliar place. I wasn’t sure where this project would lead, but I viewed it as a positive step toward friends and community.

I would set off each
day with a purpose, a self-imposed assignment. A new step class at the fitness
center, a coffee shop in a neighborhood I’d never been to, a different route
home from the boutique I’d yet to see. Along the way, I chatted up the store
clerks and baristas and florists and librarians.

“I recently moved to
Nashville,” I’d say, “and I’m trying to learn my way around.”

“We have a monthly
book club,” said the bookseller at a
cozy book shop I discovered. A
woman at the cheese store told me about an art center, offering watercolor and
pottery and drawing classes.

The friendly woman unrolling her mat
next to me at the yoga studio told me she volunteered at the botanical gardens.
“Have you walked in the downtown greenway yet?” asked a woman at the nail
salon.

Each person I
encountered steered me in a different direction – another place to go or
activity to check into. Each path connected me to people – and potential
friendships.

Although I still
craved a walking buddy – the person to call for a good chat early in the
morning – I was no longer lonely.

Lonely vs. Alone

I was simply alone.
And I was okay with that. Finding a new treasure in each day gave me a reason
to get up and out of the house. It kept me moving forward. At the end of the
day, I was excited I’d engaged with people and learned a thing or two.

One day, my chosen
“new thing” was to meander, alone, through the art museum. Amid the Houghton
Hall exhibit, with furnishings and paintings from an English country home, I
noticed a sign for an upcoming party at the museum.

I thought, “Hmmm,
looks like a fun new thing to do!”

Reach Out to Find Friends

“Who are we going
with?” my husband asked.

“Well, no one,” I
replied. “But I want to dress up and go out. Besides, it’s for a good cause.”

After cocktails – where we made small talk with enough other “alone” people to avoid feeling like wallflowers – we ended up at a table with four couples.

The kind woman next
to me and I chatted about our Texas roots, married children, golf, and how hard
it is to move to a new place later in life. She knew – she’d done the same
thing several years ago.

She called the
following week. “Are you available for lunch?”

“Yes, I am!”

This was the break
I’d been looking for. I had a friend.

In tiny, gradual
steps, my world came together. My new friend connected me to a golf group and
included me in a lunch or two with other women. I began to make friends.

It was a big day when I ran into one of my new acquaintances at the grocery store. We chatted for a minute and then raced on to other errands.

An even bigger day –
a woman I’d met at book club phoned me. She asked a favor. “Will you meet with
a friend of my sister’s? Her husband accepted a job, and they’ve relocated to
the area. She needs friends.”

I was ecstatic and
grateful that my action plan was working.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you lonely or alone? Can you do more to find a friend or two? Do you have the friends you want and need? What action steps can you take today to meet new friends? Please share with our community.

You’re trying to lose weight, maybe for the third time. Or maybe it’s the 30^th.

But you really want it to be the last time. You’d love to finally put the kibosh on this post-menopausal weight gain once and for all!

You’ve been down this road before. Started a diet of some kind with the hope that this will finally be the secret sauce you need to reach your goal. You’re all gung-ho at first. You stay on track for a few days or maybe even a week or two, but then your resolve wanes and suddenly you’re back to eating the way you did that caused you to gain weight in the first place.

How do you stay motivated? How do you get off what I call the diet hamster wheel? Here are a few dos and don’ts for losing weight without dieting after 50.

A Non-Diet Approach for Staying on Track

I’ve helped many women lose weight without dieting. I teach them how to stop emotional eating so they can enjoy the foods they love while permanently losing their desire to overeat. In keeping with that non-diet approach – while losing excess weight – here are some dos and don’ts for staying on track.

The Five DOs

DO have a very clear and compelling reason for wanting to lose weight

That will drive your commitment and motivate you. Know why you want to do lose weight, and think about the reason at least once a day, preferably several times.

DO think about what the slimmer you will be like and start being that person now

Why put off living your life until you lose weight? What we think, we become! So, start thinking, acting and living like the slim person you will become. You deserve to live your best life regardless of size.

DO measure your success by markers other than the scale

Permanent weight loss is slow and not always steady, especially as we get older. It requires patience and tenacity, and development of new mental habits. Relying on the scale can be discouraging. Focusing on your success at changing the habits will allow you to lose weight and keep it off. Celebrate these accomplishments. For example, if one of the times you overeat is by snacking after dinner, each night that you don’t do that is a win. Enjoy the process!

DO think about how great you feel when you don’t overeat

Don’t you just love that wonderful light feeling of stopping before you’re too full? Not having indigestion? That great feeling of keeping your commitment to yourself to improve your health and not overeat? When you’re tempted to keep eating after your body has had enough, remember these feelings and decide that overeating just isn’t worth feeling terrible afterwards.

DO focus on the joy of being slimmer compared with the immediate pleasure of eating when you aren’t hungry

When we impulsively wolf down that candy bar, we’re sacrificing the long-term joy of being a healthy weight for the gone-in-a-moment pleasure of the taste in our mouth. Choose long-term joy.

And Five DON’Ts

DON’T diet!

You’ve heard it a million times. Diets don’t work. At least 95% of people who go on a diet gain the weight back and more! Focus on making permanent changes to your eating habits that will allow you to enjoy food without overeating.

DON’T put any food off limits

When something becomes the proverbial forbidden fruit, you’ll want it that much more, which could cause you to binge. It is much better to allow yourself to eat a reasonable serving of your favorite foods mindfully so that you really enjoy them and don’t crave them.

DON’T post photos of buff Hollywood stars in bikinis to motivate you

Hopefully, if you’re reading this, you aren’t trying to look like Beyoncé, but posting photos on your fridge or anywhere else of women with photoshopped bodies who do crazy things to stay slim will not help your cause. In fact, there’s research to support that this does not work and has a negative effect on your motivation to lose weight.

DON’T focus on your past weight loss failures

If you believe you will fail this time, you will surely prove yourself right. Instead, drop those old beliefs. Have a positive outlook for the future. Diets caused you to fail in the past, but this time, you’re approaching weight loss differently, so believe you will succeed and you likely will!

DON’T berate yourself when you slip up

We all make mistakes because we’re human. The weight loss path is a winding one. The only way you can fail is by quitting, and slow and steady wins the race. When you overeat, all you need to do is forgive yourself and get back on track by waiting until you’re hungry before eating again.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What advice would you give to a friend who, for health reasons, is trying to lose weight? Which of the DOs have you found most helpful? How have you defined success for yourself? Please share in the comments.

Meister Eckhart, a 13th century mystic, wrote, “If the only prayer you said in your whole life was ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”

The holiday season is always an appropriate time to take a few minutes, pause, and reflect on the gifts you’ve been given, the people you love and cherish and the opportunities you are afforded in life.

It is my experience that giving gratitude with consciousness and pure intentions reduces stress and brings greater joy to your celebrations.

Gratitude and the Brain

According to UCLA’s Mindfulness Awareness Research Center, having an attitude of gratitude changes the molecular structure of the brain, keeps the gray matter functioning, and makes us healthier and happier. When you feel happiness, the central nervous system is affected. You are more peaceful, less reactive, and less resistant. Now that’s a really cool way of taking care of your well-being as you go through not just the holiday season but the rest of your life.

After every yoga class I teach, I ask my students to reflect on gratitude for several moments. We end the class with the acknowledgement that we’ve been given many gifts in life. Mindful daily recognition of gratitude creates an environment of positive emotion and a positive mental state. Having an attitude of gratitude inspires clear intention, reduces self-doubt and empowers you to greatness.

The following questions (and their honest answers) will help you grow your attitude of gratitude during the holidays.

For Whom are You Grateful?

Ask who in your life – past and present – has given you inspiration, motivation, love, support and guidance. These people can be family, friends, teachers, mentors, or work colleagues. You carry these people around like angels on your shoulders because they are always giving you energy.

Take a moment to acknowledge them and give thanks that that they are in your life. You can follow up with a note or phone call of thanks to let them know that they matter to you.

Acknowledge the Qualities and Places that Inspire Gratitude

Ask what skills, talents, personal characteristics, values, beliefs, and education opportunities you utilize every day and are you grateful for. The one stable gift that I am grateful for is my ability to teach. This is the gift I cannot live without because it leads to other fabulous learning and knowing experiences as well as different skill sets.

You will recognize your greatest talents and gifts by reflecting on the values and beliefs that you live by and personal characteristics that you have developed. Ask yourself what gift keeps on giving for you. What gifts will change your life mightily?

Ask where you have been in your life that has deeply affected you emotionally, intellectually, physically or spiritually. In what ways have experiences outside your normal daily activities positively influenced your life? It is likely you have experienced some travel during your life. The places you visited, the people you met, perhaps from other cultures have broadened your life, influenced your view of the world and affected your sense of self within your community.

Take time during the holidays and reflect on how these powerful experiences have shaped who you are today.

Develop the Habit of Gratitude

Ask how you normally express your gratitude.  Do you express gratitude daily? And if you are not taking the time to do so, why not? It is easy to forget to say thank you because our lives are so busy and filled with “to-dos” and “musts.”

Make it a habit at least twice a day to find a quiet place to pause and say thank you for your gifts. Reach out to friends by phone or email to say thank you to them for being in your life because they cherish you and give you support and love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your loving community.

Ask what negative situation could be a positive in your life. Why should you be grateful for the negative things that happen to you in life? Life isn’t perfect. Bad stuff happens. But inside every negative experience is a positive experience waiting to happen.

Eliminating the negative self-talk you put yourself through develops stronger mental health habits. It allows you to become more accepting of everything that happens in life – the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the process of removing negativity creates the opportunity for growth and transformation.

Practicing daily gratitude not only produces more gratitude and more abundance, but it sets the tone for a joyful holiday season. Happy holidays, everyone!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you plan to celebrate the power of gratitude this holiday season? What are you most thankful for? How do you express gratitude to the important people in your life? Please share in the comments.