As I brushed my hair and applied mascara, the banter of the morning talk show hosts played in the background. When the women – and men – on television casually mentioned how difficult it is to make new friends, I remembered my own quest. 

A few years ago, for my spouse’s job, we packed up and headed to Nashville. Although it was the right decision for us and our marriage, it was hard to say goodbye to 20 years of friends and belonging.

Book club, Bible
study, birthday celebrations, dinner parties, barbecues – those gatherings in
Houston, which declared I was accepted and part of something bigger.

How Do You Find a Friend Group?

It takes time to make the sorts of friends I used to call when I needed kid advice or wanted to groan and vent. How do I start over and build a community in a brand-new place? At my age I worried it was too late to find a group.

As the newbie – and
especially a newcomer with no young kids or a job to connect me – it was hard
to wiggle my way in and become part of a friend group. Gone were the days when I
could rely on the carpool line or football bleachers or work or school meetings
for companionship and conversation.

Except for my
husband, I was on my own. And I was lonely.

A Plan to Find Friends

And so I developed a plan. Every single day, I pledged to do one new thing to immerse myself in this unfamiliar place. I wasn’t sure where this project would lead, but I viewed it as a positive step toward friends and community.

I would set off each
day with a purpose, a self-imposed assignment. A new step class at the fitness
center, a coffee shop in a neighborhood I’d never been to, a different route
home from the boutique I’d yet to see. Along the way, I chatted up the store
clerks and baristas and florists and librarians.

“I recently moved to
Nashville,” I’d say, “and I’m trying to learn my way around.”

“We have a monthly
book club,” said the bookseller at a
cozy book shop I discovered. A
woman at the cheese store told me about an art center, offering watercolor and
pottery and drawing classes.

The friendly woman unrolling her mat
next to me at the yoga studio told me she volunteered at the botanical gardens.
“Have you walked in the downtown greenway yet?” asked a woman at the nail
salon.

Each person I
encountered steered me in a different direction – another place to go or
activity to check into. Each path connected me to people – and potential
friendships.

Although I still
craved a walking buddy – the person to call for a good chat early in the
morning – I was no longer lonely.

Lonely vs. Alone

I was simply alone.
And I was okay with that. Finding a new treasure in each day gave me a reason
to get up and out of the house. It kept me moving forward. At the end of the
day, I was excited I’d engaged with people and learned a thing or two.

One day, my chosen
“new thing” was to meander, alone, through the art museum. Amid the Houghton
Hall exhibit, with furnishings and paintings from an English country home, I
noticed a sign for an upcoming party at the museum.

I thought, “Hmmm,
looks like a fun new thing to do!”

Reach Out to Find Friends

“Who are we going
with?” my husband asked.

“Well, no one,” I
replied. “But I want to dress up and go out. Besides, it’s for a good cause.”

After cocktails – where we made small talk with enough other “alone” people to avoid feeling like wallflowers – we ended up at a table with four couples.

The kind woman next
to me and I chatted about our Texas roots, married children, golf, and how hard
it is to move to a new place later in life. She knew – she’d done the same
thing several years ago.

She called the
following week. “Are you available for lunch?”

“Yes, I am!”

This was the break
I’d been looking for. I had a friend.

In tiny, gradual
steps, my world came together. My new friend connected me to a golf group and
included me in a lunch or two with other women. I began to make friends.

It was a big day when I ran into one of my new acquaintances at the grocery store. We chatted for a minute and then raced on to other errands.

An even bigger day –
a woman I’d met at book club phoned me. She asked a favor. “Will you meet with
a friend of my sister’s? Her husband accepted a job, and they’ve relocated to
the area. She needs friends.”

I was ecstatic and
grateful that my action plan was working.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you lonely or alone? Can you do more to find a friend or two? Do you have the friends you want and need? What action steps can you take today to meet new friends? Please share with our community.