Month: September 2023

Going out there to date needs to be a conscious decision. But, before you make that decision, you need to ask yourself some questions as this will really determine the level of success you will have.

My Own Experience

I’ll give a personal example. After a 24-year marriage, I was divorced in 2018. Was I ready to date?

Heck, NO!

My life was in transition – moving from the big house to a new condo, my daughters in their early teens – I just couldn’t fathom adding dating to this confused tableau. The girls were my priority, and they were at very formative years. Imagine throwing in a mom dating a slew of men to the picture? It just felt, well, not right.

Stability was my goal, as well as learning who I was on my own. Plus, I knew the West Coast was probably not my permanent home any longer with the girls growing up and heading to the East Coast.

Fast forward 5 years. I’m 60. My youngest is a senior in HS and busy with her life. And just like that, I woke up one morning, and said to myself, “It’s time, I’m ready to date.”

Being my usual enthusiastic self, I spent part of the day writing my profile (revising it many times) and looking through my photos. I called my BF’s husband (a pro) and asked him for an hour to shoot a few new photos to mix with my iPhone and Instagram photos and was off to the races in one week.

I Don’t Mess Around

I knew the two sites I wanted to begin with. So, I uploaded my information, and the following week, I had 5 dates. Yes, 5. My stomach churns just typing this. For all 5 dates, I reached out first, didn’t do a single phone call, and kept the messaging to 2 messages each. Then, I asked each man out to lunch.

As a side note, I’m not a magician. I probably wrote to 25 men and only 5 got back to me, so pretty normal odds.

As you can see, I went through all the stuff you go through. There were a couple of very cute, accomplished men that never responded back, and I wondered why. But I quickly shut those thoughts down (because who the heck knows why they didn’t get back to me) and moved on positively to those that did.

5 Dates in 7 Days

Nope, I don’t recommend this type of speed dating, but my enthusiasm and go-go attitude got me in this pickle. I was happy with how those dates developed. Especially because I learned a lot about myself. For instance, I could still have conversations with men and be somewhat charming. My dating skills were still there, just a bit rusty.

Date 1 was with a hedge fund guy. He was polite and we had a great time, but there was no chemistry. The outcome: he invited me several weeks later to a dinner affiliated with Shark Tank producers, and I met some interesting people. I happened to be one of two women in the room that night – good odds!

Date 2 was a drummer in a rock and roll band. OMG. So out of my wheelhouse but such fun!

Date 3 was a Podcaster. The conversation just rocked though the chemistry was nowhere to be found. He has a full studio and invited me to use it when he was not. Such a nice guy!

Date 4 was the entrepreneur type. We bonded over both having lived in Chicago, and it went on to 3 dates before it fizzled. (I was impressed that I could still get a second and third date – yay, me!) My confidence got such a boost.

Date 5? A doctor. Oh, not a single thing in common, so I just went quiet and listened to him talk about the latest advances in skin care and vitamin therapy. I learned quite a bit from him – it was like a free consultation!!!

It Was Exhausting

Have you heard the saying, “Do as I say, not as I do”? My dating marathon had me exhausted after that week, plus I couldn’t remember what I talked about with each person. And you don’t want to look flakey on a second date repeating a story over again, right?

I took a break. For me, that meant two weeks to see how a few second dates would go.

The Last One

But there was still this one mystery man I hadn’t met. He lives in South Florida, near me, but he’d messaged me he was up at the Cape for a few weeks. I was drawn to him because of the message he sent me:

“You know what impressed me most about you? That you host Thanksgiving yearly for family and friends and do all the cooking yourself for 40 people, wow.”

That melted my heart. He wasn’t impressed by anything I’d done business-wise; he got to the heart of something I care tremendously about – family and friends.

Following my own advice, we never talked on the phone. We just met for lunch, and I really liked him. As we met, I stuck out my hand to shake his; when the date ended, he shook my hand. I thought, “Oh, no, he doesn’t like me.” But the rest is history, and a year later here we are – a solid couple. We have chemistry and love, and I have a best friend with whom I have a blast! And, it turns out our first date was on his birthday, so we celebrated two milestones – him and us.

So, Are You Ready?

Hopefully you are still awake by this point, so let me share the questions I think you should ask yourself before jumping into dating – whether it be online dating, matchmaking, speed dating, hiring an expensive one-on-one matchmaker, or whatever.

1. Am I feeling positive about dating?
2. Do I feel like I’ve moved on from my ex? Can I not talk about my ex on the date?
3. Do I feel excited and nervous at the same time to start dating again?
4. Am I in a good place professionally to have the time to devote to dating?
5. Am I realistic in what I am looking for?
6. Do I have a list of 10 – 20 traits that are dealbreakers for me? (If you do, burn it.)
7. Am I happy with my own life?
8. Do I have friends and a good support system?
9. Am I active in my hobbies or sports or passions?
10. Do I have some confidence? (Not many people have 100% confidence going into dating!)

Well, I got a bit personal sharing my story, but my business of helping singles navigate online dating is super personal to me and my heart. I like people to be happy. I love when you find a partner and love. I’m thrilled if you are widowed and meet someone you truly like to find happiness with. I’m excited when you haven’t dated in a few years, and you call or text me late on a Saturday night with happy news.

And if you’re not ready, take some time to just get to know you better. Then answer the questions again. I’ve had people come back to me 3, 6, 11 months after an initial conversation, ready and eager to start dating. So, it’s never too late.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s your most recent dating experience? Which type of dating have you tried? Has it worked for you? What do you look for in dating? Do you ever ask yourself, “Am I ready?”

Nothing hurts more than when a relationship has ended, especially when betrayal is involved in some way. When a man has lied to you and betrayed your trust, picking up the pieces and moving forward can feel daunting.

You may feel shame for not having seen the signs that something was amiss. Or you may feel angry with yourself for allowing a man into your life who had the capacity to break your heart.

You stop trusting yourself and you stop trusting men, making them jump hoops to prove they aren’t going to hurt you. You begin looking for perfection – which, by the way, doesn’t exist. And no man is ever good enough in your eyes.

Fear is holding you back as you try to keep yourself safe.

I want to share 4 tips that can help you learn to trust men and yourself again, so you can have the man and relationship in your life that you desire.

Tip #1: Healing and Forgiving

Take some time to heal when you’ve been hurt. It’s painful to think you played a part in attracting someone who could be so bad for you. But you did, and the best way to start the healing process is through forgiveness.

There is an amazing healing practice called Ho’opononpono that I’ve used with clients to help heal the pain in their hearts.

You repeat 4 simple sentences while focusing on forgiveness…

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

You say them over and over again until you feel a release happen. The practice of Ho’opononpono is an amazing story worth Googling. Its healing powers are well documented.

As long as you hold anger towards yourself, or a man from your past, you are still connected and you can’t move forward. If you find you have trouble letting go, reach out to a therapist to work on this before you decide to date again.

Tip #2: One Bad Man, Doesn’t Make All Men Bad

I teach all my VIP clients to identify how they view the men they want to date using a tool called Trust Glasses. When you wear what I call the grey stormy pair, it means you are looking at men with the mindset that a man is going to hurt you until he proves otherwise.

You end up making him jump hoops over and over again to prove his worthiness because you’re afraid. Often, you end up losing out on a potential partner who might be perfect for you.

Instead, consider wearing the turquoise glasses. These glasses are like a calm ocean where you can see beautiful fish swimming close to the surface yet also see the bottom and any dangers that might be lurking.

With the turquoise glasses, you go on a date to meet someone new and interesting. Take your time before creating a relationship. See how a man acts around you and whether his actions consistently follow his words.

Words are cheap. Actions are what count, and men who don’t follow up on their words are the ones who will break your heart.

Tip #3: Really Listen to What a Man Is Saying to You

If a man shares stories about having cheated on his wife or another girlfriend, end it right then and there. This is a huge red flag that spells trouble. If he did it once, he can do it again – but this time you’ll be the one who gets hurt.

I can’t tell you the number of clients who tell me in hindsight that they walked right past these types of words thinking this man would never cheat on them, yet he does.

Men mean what they say. Pay attention. If you listen, you’ll know you can trust yourself to make the best decision for you.

Tip #4: Get Clear On the Values That Are Important to You

I have my clients identify their top 15-20 values when we create their Quality Man Template, a tool that helps them identify the right man for them.

It’s interesting that when they look back, they are often shocked at how many values were missing in the men they’d dated. For a relationship to work, you need to share the same values.

Knowing the values that are important to you will empower you and will help you trust and recognize whether or not you’re with the right man.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How are you dealing with trust issues with men in your 60s? Did you overcome being hurt in a relationship and find love again? Please share your experiences below!

It can be infuriating to answer a question with a question. But if you think about the idea of personal growth and transformation as a journey that is in flux every decade of your life, it makes sense to ask one more follow up question. Or, at least, it does to me.

How do you sustain your “on the go” lifestyle while energizing what is most important to you in life – your mental, physical and spiritual health?

Let’s look at your journey of personal growth and compare it to a giant goody basket. This basket represents your life. In your goody basket is everything you are as an individual. You’re a gold mine of thoughts, emotions, passions, dreams, and virtues.

Inside is everything that has happened to you, your successes, joys, fulfillments, disappointments, everything you have done. Everything you have ever been goes into this goodie basket and sets you up to maximize your human potential, thereby, giving you an opportunity to define your personal growth.

You Determine the Quality of Your Life

Yet, as we all know, it’s challenging to sustain your journey of personal growth. Especially when there are life concerns involving family, health, relationships, or money. There is also a myriad of distractions. People, places, things, and technology (hello, iPhones and iPads) get in the way of your happiness. They keep you stuck in quicksand. Your thinking gets small and the size of your thinking determines the size of your results. Personal growth gets lost inside of worries, anxieties and distractions.

So the quality of your lifestyle significantly impacts the trajectory of your personal growth. Today, more than any other time in your life, you call the shots. You determine the quality of your life. It’s different for everyone, but you know it when you discover a more profound sense of self and purpose.

Discovering a Sense of Self

In order to create a fulfilling and joyful life, it is important to understand yourself first. And that takes time and commitment. So, it makes sense that you give yourself the simple but effective gift of a 10- to 15-minute daily meditation. Remaining in the present tells you everything you need to know about where to go next. The present truly defines the quality of your life.

Taking time to self-reflect helps you overcome resistance in your personal and professional life. Resistance is a defense mechanism that causes you to deny, resist or oppose an action. This state of mind is toxic and causes stress and anxiety.

Resistance is never helpful when you are on your journey of personal growth. It slows you down and mires you in struggle. I always told my yoga students that struggle is over-rated. And it is.

The antidote is to get up every day, every morning, one day at a time and make an intention to do the most important thing in your life. To do something that brings you joy and satisfaction, gives you positive energy, raises your temperature, or fulfills a need. It is then that you can pursue your passions and your dreams.

Discovering a Sense of Purpose

To create a clear path of personal purpose requires a clear understanding of your deepest concerns and how effectively you manage your fears – fear of rejection, fear of success, and fear of failure. A sense of purpose in life not only produces lifelong happiness and vitality. It is also a necessary quality when you consider what legacy you are going to leave.

An advantageous exercise is to begin a journal or write a personal inventory so you can actually see your thoughts in a visual context.

Here’s What You May Learn from Your Personal Inventory

A personal inventory helps you think smart, live well and redirect negative energy into positive results. You will learn to have a deeper insight into the negative influences that still have a residual effect in the present. Also, you will finally let go of any negative influences in the past and move forward with forgiveness and an open heart. You will learn how to prioritize your desire for change.

A personal inventory will help you understand how creativity and trust are integral to commitment and performance and how you can make a difference with small changes in attitudes and personality. Finally, you can reduce stress and increase productivity with meditation.

As you improvise and create your life, it’s important to not to judge or label what choices you make. Let the good times roll and to:

• Start doing
• Stop doing
• Continue doing
• Do more
• Do less
• Do differently

Mindfully grow your human potential, and a profound sense of self and purpose will take center stage and life.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What is your definition of personal growth and transformation? Have you ever done a life review or taken a personal inventory of your life? What did you discover about yourself? Please join the conversation and share your thoughts.

Originally posted at: Gina Kirschenheiter’s Black Sheer Shirt