Is Loneliness the Absence of Connection?
Have you ever been surrounded by others but felt alone? Or been alone and fully engaged in what you were doing? I sure have, and it got me exploring the distinction between being alone, a circumstance, and feeling lonely, an emotion.
Being Alone Isn’t the Same as Feeling Lonely
Many of us assumed retirement would be lonely. We worried about losing coworkers, routines, or a spouse. Yet what surprised me was that living alone wasn’t what created loneliness. Some days I spend most of the day by myself and don’t feel lonely at all. Other times I’ve been with others and felt loneliness slowly sliding in.
I never feel lonely when I’m on my daily long walk. And I never encourage anyone to join me. The highlight of my day is being out on a trail and enjoying myself. Whether I’m listening to a podcast, music, or nothing at all, I’m deeply connected to my surroundings. The trees, the Canada geese, and the water lapping on the shore keep me in the here and now. I have the luxury of thinking about nothing at all or working through whatever life has challenged me with. It’s my special time, and I look forward to it every day.
What I don’t look forward to is going somewhere, for whatever reason, to be with a lot of people. I just know I’ll feel lonely, and that will lead to embarrassment and stress. Of course, I have best wishes for the event or celebration, but couldn’t I simply send my wishes in a note or with some flowers? Feeling like a stranger, even though I know many of the others, isn’t because I’m alone or don’t know people. It’s because I don’t always feel connected. Loneliness can exist in a crowd.
Both experiences have taught me that connection has far more to do with loneliness than whether we’re alone or with others.
Connection Can Be Found in Unexpected Places
I’ve come to think that feeling lonely is often the absence of connection. It’s feeling like a stranger, even when you’re surrounded by familiar faces. It has to do with how you feel about where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with. Maybe you have no interest in the event, or perhaps you only know a few people who are busy with their own families.
Connection can happen almost anywhere. It happens when we have something in common with others or with our current situation. Often, the situation itself is the key. You can feel a strong connection while taking your time in the shops, going for a walk and enjoying the birds and plants, spending time on a hobby, or simply enjoying your morning coffee.
I feel a strong connection to my ideas when I’m writing, and I feel connected to my yarn when I’m making one of my creations.
Connection isn’t always with people we know well. I feel connected to those I encounter doing similar things, like walking on the pathways, carrying a tote bag with cats on it, or reading product labels in the cookie aisle. Even these brief moments matter. Feeling connected doesn’t always come from deep friendships. Sometimes it’s built through small, everyday interactions.
What Helps Me Feel Connected
I’ve noticed that I feel less lonely when I have a purpose for the day. It doesn’t have to be anything special. Going for a walk, working on a knitting project, writing an article, or exploring somewhere new gives me something to look forward to and keeps me connected to my day.
Being curious about life helps too. Trying new things and exploring new possibilities gives me direction and purpose.
I’ve also learned to enjoy my own company. That might sound strange, but many of us spend years focused on work, family, and responsibilities. We don’t always get to know ourselves: our likes, our passions, or even our pet peeves. The more we know ourselves, the more we can enjoy our own company.
A Different Way to Think About Loneliness
I’ve come to believe that loneliness isn’t measured by how many people are around us. It’s measured by how connected we feel to other people, to our surroundings, and even to ourselves.
We can’t always choose whether we’re alone, but we can look for the connections that tell us we’re part of something larger. Sometimes that’s all it takes for loneliness to quietly fade away.
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Let’s Have a Conversation:
What does loneliness mean in your life and circumstances? Do you take being alone as a gift or a burden? How do you like to fill your alone time?
