As a certified mindfulness meditation teacher, I have taught these practices in different spaces, and one of my favorites was teaching in my community’s park and recreation programs. Interestingly over the years the classes I offered expanded from teaching mindfulness/meditation to facilitating workshops on transitioning to retirement and healthy aging. This happened as my mindfulness classes were often attended by older women and the concerns and conversations organically shifted to challenges in this period of our lives.
In describing these workshops, I intentionally use the word facilitate rather than teach because my hope is that we all learn from each other. I am not a mental health professional, I am not an expert, I am not a professional retirement coach, I am just on this journey myself. After being in the mindfulness-meditation world since before it was “hip,” I have been exposed to many of the concerns of women in our age group and have created tools that are often found helpful.
One topic I like to share is learning from our past regrets, something I learned from Daniel Pink. While not a psychologist, Pink’s work focuses on behavioral psychology, a topic I find fascinating, and what I learned from his book, The Power of Regret, is something that I have incorporated into my own life and shared with women who have taken my workshops.
Who Has Regrets?
My husband is a fan of saying he has “no regrets,” that his life experiences have made him who he is and he wouldn’t change a thing. Of course there is great truth to that, but for many of us when we look back at our lives we may think “I wish I had/hadn’t done that.” For many, looking back at things they wish they’d done differently can be very painful. Regret can be painful, but examined regret can teach us so much moving forward.
Types of Regret
How do we examine regret though the lens of learning and growing? How can we learn from these experiences to see how they can positively change us moving forward? Let’s start with data from Pink’s global online survey where 16,000 people from 105 countries shared their regrets with him and four broad types of regrets were identified.
Foundation Regrets: “If only I had done the work.”
These regrets stem from not prioritizing foundations of a stable life and examples may include financial stability or prioritizing health.
Boldness Regrets: “If only I had taken the chance.”
These regrets come from failing to take a chance and examples may include wishing you went to college or graduate school or changed careers. It also includes more personal regrets such as wishing you would have gone on an adventure or asked someone out on a date.
Moral Regrets: “If only I had done the right thing.”
These regrets occur when we betray our own moral code and examples include unfaithfulness, cutting corners, or not following through on commitments.
Connection Regrets: “If only I’d reached out.”
These regrets involve broken or neglected relationships, or not sharing real feelings. These are the most common regrets.
The Practice: Identifying Regrets
Can you pick one small thing that you regret or wish you’d done differently in your life? Nothing big, nothing that brings up strong emotions; just something easy to practice with. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Which type of regret does this fall into?
- If I knew then what I know now, would I do this again?
Determining the type of regret you have teaches you what you value. If your regret is letting a friendship lapse, then you may value connection in this point in your life. If your regret is a foundational regret then you may value security at this point in your life. When you ask yourself if you’d make the same decision now, knowing what you know, can you offer yourself compassion? What if someone you loved shared this regret with you? What would you say to them? You can even say to yourself “You’ve grown a lot since you made that decision, look at what you’ve learned.”
The Practice: Making a Change
Now that you’ve tied a regret to a value, and hopefully provided yourself some self-compassion, ask yourself, How can I use this information to better my current life? Do you want to reconnect with a friend or family member? Email, text, or call that person, I bet they will be happy to reconnect and even if they aren’t then you know YOU tried and can find peace in that.
Catching up on foundational work? It’s never too late to change! Making positive health changes, strengthening finances, or moving someplace new can be reframed as positive challenges and the smallest of change can bring a healthy dose of self-esteem and hope for the future.
This is just a tiny offering of Daniel Pink’s work on regret. If this topic interests you and you’d like more information, you can find him on all social platforms.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What type of regrets do you have? What are they based on? Have you found ways to make some changes to your mindset?
