Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

What is the Duke mad at?

In the spirit of Halloween, I couldn’t NOT share this picture I took on a lovely Fall walk the other day. It made me chuckle but also think about the futility of waiting for the perfect anything… man in our life, time to achieve a goal on our list, or tackle the dreaded estate planning conversation.

Many of you have shared your estate planning stories with me over the years about your experiences (remember The Terror of Inheriting a Mess series?) and most of them did not have a happy ending.

The Statistics Are Getting Worse

The biggest challenge for most families is to get documents drafted (trust and/or will as well as Powers of Attorney for Health Care and Financial). And the trend is that we are getting worse at putting those documents in place. Only 24% of Americans have a will in 2025, which is down from 33% in 2023 and 42% in 2020. That trend is going in the wrong direction!

55% of Americans have no estate plan at all which means state laws will determine who gets what, often leading to family disputes. Most states have an inheritance order when there is no will or trust: spouse, children, parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, grandparents, next of kin. Even if that is the order you would prefer, it often requires a probate process first (court involvement which means fees and delays).

Even when we do have documents in place, our real issue is lack of communication. 93% of Americans believe discussing estate plans with loved ones is important. But we still hear stories about not being able to find the will, trustees and executors finding out they have been named to serve in roles they had no idea they were appointed to, or adult children feeling clueless about whether their parents’ estate planning is complete. There is an unfortunate and growing gap between awareness and action. Apparently, we are all talk and not enough action in this area of financial planning.

The Importance of October and Financial Literacy

This is why October has been identified as National Estate Planning Awareness Month since 2008, to broaden education efforts to address the widespread lack of estate planning among Americans. Without it, families are vulnerable to financial hardship, legal disputes, and unintended asset distribution under state intestacy laws (dying without a will).

Why October? There are reasons for that too. October is a time of change (falling leaves symbolizing life’s transitions) making it an ideal time for reflection and planning before year-end. My experience is that families think more about their situation as holiday time and family gatherings approach, so they are more likely to get their estate planning in place at the start of the new year.

Even if you think about it in October and commit to making an appointment in the new year, the actual completion of the documents is often closer to June. June is the busiest month for estate planning as it coincides with summer travel. Our brain often worries “what if something happens while we are travelling?” Then we magically get our estate planning done before a big trip. So be sure to schedule a trip if you are serious about getting or updating your estate plan!

Share Your Estate Planning Intentions with Someone

As a Certified Financial Planner, I don’t draft estate planning documents for clients, but I do help them grow their net worth and then make sure it is all titled and beneficiaried appropriately according to their estate plan. The best financial behavior advice I can give everyone is to tell someone about your estate planning intentions.

I say that because telling someone about any goal will often increase the likelihood of you accomplishing it. Perhaps you start by telling a friend that you are getting your estate planning documents drafted (or updated). Then you tell one of your family members who will be named (and confirm their willingness) that you will give them a copy of the document upon completion. Then you give yourself a deadline for getting the appointment with an estate planning attorney actually scheduled.

And once the documents are drafted, you not only give copies of the documents to those who will be directly involved (executor/personal representative and successor trustee plus powers of attorney), you also tell at least two people where to find the documents when the time comes. Some prefer to write all of that in a sealed letter of instruction to be opened only upon your disability or passing.

The point is to be sure that those you have named to assist know where their instructions are located. You may want to review your wishes with them as well but at a minimum be sure the documents are findable. Vow to tell someone what they need to know now or at least where to find that information when the time comes. Here is a checklist to help you think through all the detail.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you told someone about where to find your estate planning information? What helped you get organized or motivated to tackle this most procrastinated area of financial planning? Any tips for other women? Let’s share!

For years, you were the one who made everything better. You found the missing shoes, calmed the tantrums, juggled the bills, and made sure everyone had what they needed.

You were the glue. The heartbeat. The fixer.

But now your children are grown – and somehow, you’re still the one doing the fixing. They call when the money runs out. When relationships fall apart. When life gets messy.

And even though you’re exhausted, you step in. Because that’s what you’ve always done.

Then, when you finally say no, the guilt sets in.

The Guilt We Don’t Talk About

No one warns mothers about this stage – the guilt that sneaks in after the kids are grown. It’s quieter than the guilt of young motherhood, but deeper. It whispers:

If they’re struggling, I must’ve failed.

If I don’t help, I’m a bad mom.

If I set boundaries, they’ll stop loving me.

These thoughts come from decades of conditioning.

We were told that good mothers sacrifice, stretch, and say yes – even when it costs them everything.

But here’s the truth: you’re not meant to mother from exhaustion anymore.

Love vs. Responsibility

There’s a difference between love and responsibility.

Love says, I believe in you. Responsibility says, I’ll handle it for you.

When we keep rescuing our adult children from the consequences of their choices, we don’t help them grow – we keep them stuck.

And often, they don’t even realize they’re taking advantage of us. They’re simply following the pattern we created: Mom will fix it.

It’s not malice. It’s habit.

But habits can be broken – and you can lead the way.

Reframing “No” as Love

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean withdrawing love. It means giving love a healthier shape.

Try saying:

• “I love you, and I trust you to handle this.”
• “I believe in your ability to figure this out.”
• “I can’t offer money, but I can offer encouragement.”

At first, you might feel mean. You’re not. You’re modeling self-respect, and that’s one of the best lessons you’ll ever teach.

Remember: a grown child who expects you to meet every need is still learning where they end and you begin.

Your “no” becomes their opportunity to grow up.

Reclaiming Your Energy

When you stop trying to manage everyone else’s life, something miraculous happens: you start living your own.

The same energy that went into worrying, fixing, and rescuing can now fuel something new, such as creativity, friendships, travel, rest, purpose.

You get to rediscover what you love.

You get to rebuild the relationship with yourself – the one that’s been on pause for decades.

You may feel a wave of sadness at first. That’s okay. You’re grieving letting go of old roles and expectations. But underneath the grief is freedom.

You’re not abandoning your children. You’re releasing the illusion that you can save them – and that’s where both of you find peace.

The Shift from Guilt to Grace

Grace means doing your best, forgiving your past, and trusting your grown children to find their own way just as you once did.

It means blessing them with faith instead of control. It means believing that love can exist even with boundaries.

So, when the guilt whispers, “You should do more,” answer it with truth:

“I’ve done enough. I’ve loved enough. And now, I’m allowed to rest.”

You don’t owe anyone endless rescue. You owe yourself the peace of living a full, honest life.

Your best years aren’t behind you. They’re right here, waiting for the woman who finally decides to stop apologizing for choosing herself.

Let’s Reflect:

Are you having trouble with letting your adult children go? Do you too often rush in to rescue? Why do you think you are so motivated?

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