I’m not a patient woman by nature. I’ve never gone slowly and carefully into things but run full bore ahead. One of my mottos is, “If all else fails, read the directions.”

When I start something new, I want to go to the last chapter first and worry about how to get there later. In this hurry to get to the goal, I often lose patience with those that can’t keep up. I’m not proud of this, but it’s my nature – or perhaps my conditioning.

Immersion Course in Practicing Patience as a Caregiver

When Alzheimer’s kidnapped our lives, I was jettisoned into an immersion course in patience. Becoming a caregiver for my husband, Bob, was fraught with failure.

I often thought I fell short of being a good caregiver. I seemed to tumble off the patience wagon more often than was comfortable with. I was forever straining to pull myself back on, vowing to be better, yet not being able to fully realize that desire.

“What’s for Dinner?”

Sometimes I’d watch as my body and psyche shut down. It could happen gradually or swiftly. There was a physical reaction, often centered in the solar plexus, as well as an emotional retreat, that could be triggered by something as innocuous as Bob staring at me while I was cooking.

It’s dinnertime. We’re in our small kitchen. “What’s for dinner?” Bob asks for the third time.

“Pasta with smoked tuna and an arugula salad with sun-dried tomatoes.” I’m a frantic, focused cook, moving quickly around the kitchen with no time to wash up as I go.

“What’s for dinner?”

“Pasta and salad,” I say with strained patience and gritted teeth.

The smell of sautéed garlic and onions fills the room. I try to distract Bob with jobs like setting the table or washing whatever I’ve already thrown in the sink or piled up on the counter.

“What’s for dinner?”

“We’re having a yummy pasta and an organic green salad.” I try to brighten my answer and solidify my resolve to be patient, as I pour white wine into the sauce. In reality though, it’s better to repeat the same answer.

I secretly try to dirty as many items as possible to keep him busy. But as soon as he’s finished, he stands off to the side, just on the edge of my peripheral vision, almost at military attention, and watches my every move.

“What’s for dinner?”

Feeling Powerless as a Caregiver

Logically, I know there’s no harm in this watching or questioning. Logically, I know he’s bored and has nothing else to do, and I’m his only entertainment. Logically, I know this has nothing to do with me.

But emotionally, it drives me mad. It triggers a reaction I’m not proud of – shutting down and becoming crisp cold. I watch this happen and feel powerless to stop it.

It’s not until my brain chemicals subside and the gate of warmth opens that I can really be with him again, friendly and affectionate.

Studying the Shutdowns

I’ve studied these shutdowns, trying to figure out a way out of them, a way of being more compassionate with my husband. Sometimes they come upon me for no special reason, and I watch myself retreat inside a suit of armor.

The harder I struggle, the more locked-in and distant I become. It feels like I reach a point where I’ve had enough, and I just can’t give anymore.

The Only Way Out Is Through

I’ve realized that the only way out is through. The only thing to do is to be as aware as possible of what’s truly going on. It seems to me that this awareness holds the key to healing.

I also see the need to have compassion for myself and for what I’m endeavoring to do. Awareness and self-patience don’t come easily. You can read more about these realizations in my book Piece by Piece: Love in the Land of Alzheimer’s.

Finally, a New Country

For years I repeatedly failed at patience, until one day it was as though I’d stepped through an archway into a new country, and I was patient.

I could finally be with Bob without berating myself for failing. I could be with him, open and inviting, experiencing what was going on with curiosity.

I’ve come to see that caring for him was a gift on so many levels, and one of the gifts that has stayed with me is patience. Believe me, my family, friends, and staff are grateful for this gift.

Are you a caregiver? What do you do to stay patient? If by nature you’re impatient, what experiences have you had to deal with it? If you’re a caregiver, what tricks did you use with your loved one to be more present with him/her? Do you feel guilty for your impatience? Do you have any advice to help those who struggle with impatience? Please share your thoughts and experiences below!

Creativity can be the key to a fuller, more enjoyable life. Fundamentally, creativity is the ability to use the imagination to come up with original ideas. Many people think that the aging brain loses its ability to think creatively.

However, in an article in Psychology Today, written by Dr. Shelly H. Carson, the claim is that “the aging brain resembles the creative brain in several ways.”

He says that the older brain is more likely to make novel and original associations. Whether harnessed for art or literature or music or simply for living day-to-day, the aging brain finds novelty where others miss it.

I recently read an excellent book by Scott Barry Kaufman and Carolyn Gregoire, Wired to Create: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Creative Mind. It summarized 10 habits that research has revealed to be typical of the creative mind. It outlines habits that even the aging brain can cultivate to improve our own creativity.

Imaginative Play

Creative minds often ask themselves, “What if?” Like children at play, they put themselves into unusual, fictional situations. The Wired to Create authors quote George Bernard Shaw, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” Our roles as parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or even baby-sitters, can offer opportunities to continue childhood play, too.

Passion

A passionate interest in something fuels creativity. The results reinforce the passion. We see that passion in child prodigies, like cellist YoYo Ma, but also in mature artists, like Grandma Moses. Steve Jobs urged us to do what we love, as have many others.

Sometimes, we have to immerse ourselves in the endeavor to become passionate about it. Your garden may be the canvas for your work of art.

Daydreaming

After retirement, we often have more time available to just daydream. This is a characteristic of many creative people. In that zone, associations are made that would not develop without our letting our minds wander. Creative solutions are often the joining of seemingly contradictory elements. Sweet and sour pork, anyone?

Solitude

Creative people often prefer to be alone, and they don’t feel lonely. The noise of the world is reduced, so they can think more clearly, make more creative connections.

Kaufman and Gregoire quote Henry David Thoreau, “I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” We can turn absence into advantage. Perhaps this is why so many women over 60 decide to live alone.

Intuition

Reason carries us only so far, and then we tend to rely on our intuition. Awareness is somewhat a product of our experience, and as we mature, we have more of it. Intuition allows us to think unconventionally, creatively, outside of the now-proverbial box. Such feelings often guide us and may have sources in our unconscious minds.

Openness to Experience

Experience… we definitely have plenty of that! Paradoxically, we need to be open to getting even more of it. Creativity is inspired by situations different from those we’ve already enjoyed or endured. We can seek out these new situations, new people, new endeavors, and we can also just decide to view our current circumstances in new ways.

How often do you ask the question, “What if…?”

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is awareness coupled with curiosity and attentiveness. Socrates is credited with affirming that “The unexamined life is not worth living.” While certainly an over-statement, this has more than a grain of truth. The mystic Ram Dass urged, “Be here now,” which may be more profound than Nike’s “Do it now,” though the latter has merit, too.

Sensitivity

When I say something that particularly pleases my wife, I maintain that I’m a sensitive ‘60s guy. I attribute my sensitivity to the period when we were encouraged to get in touch with our feelings. Heightened awareness can lead to creative responses.

Being sensitive is a bit like turning up the volume on the television; you hear some things you might otherwise miss, but at the risk of overwhelming your thinking. Others may not appreciate your sensitivity. Having a thin skin leads to unnecessary inter-personal friction.

Turning Adversity into Advantage

With the experience of maturity, we’ve learned the wisdom of “this, too, will pass.” Moreover, we can creatively find ways to turn lemons into lemonade. This is perhaps because we remember how we did that once or remember how someone we knew did it. We mutter that every knock is a boost. We pick ourselves up and learn from experience albeit from an altered perspective.

Thinking Differently

When you reach a certain age, you are more likely to be willing to march to the beat of a different drummer. You are often a non-conformist in thought, if not in dress or speech. Original thinking is characteristic of creative people.

Your willingness to non-conform, coupled to the lessons you’ve learned, produce unusual viewpoints. In our sixties, the accumulation of our unique experiences can put us in positions from which we get unconventional, creative viewpoints.

Go Ahead, Be Creative

The message? Harness your inner novelist, memoirist, poet, painter, sculptor, composer, choreographer, or actress. Pursue an artistic hobby, or simply find creative ways to improve your life and the lives of others.

You’ve got the mature, creative brain to do it.

Is there a creative endeavor you have started recently or hope to start? Have you found ways to be creative in everyday life? Would you say you are a non-conformist?

Everyone loves a good romantic Love Story. And why not? They fill your heart with hope as you dream about your very own Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet to live happily ever after in total bliss.

You’re Looking to Movies for Guidance

These types of stories make you momentarily feel good, but they aren’t reality. And when you use Hollywood movies as your basis of how falling in love should look, well, what you’re doing is setting yourself up for total frustration and failure at finding Mr. Right in real life.

Fairy tale romances filled with handsome heroes (who, by the way, have makeup artists fixing them up all day long) keep you from seeing a good man who might be “only average” in the looks department.

Yet, he could be the real hero who is there for you at the end of the day with a glass of wine, who has your back when things are great and not so great, and loves you just the way you are. This is the real Prince Charming you want to be looking for!

You’re Looking to Decide Based on Chemistry

I’ve found most women are not clear on the type of man and relationship they want. I know this sounds obvious, but I ask women daily what they are looking for and they often tell me they aren’t sure, or they’ll know him when they meet him.

This usually means using chemistry or instant attraction as the barometer for a quality man. It’s not.

It just means the bonding hormone, oxytocin, is being released when you meet. And the problem with that is, chemistry tricks you and makes you think you can trust a man when, in reality, he might not be so trustable.

Instead of using chemistry to decide if he’s a good match, do what my clients do. Create a clear vision of your man based on shared values, deal breakers that are non-negotiable, patterns of men you’ve always been attracted to that don’t work, qualities you want, and how you want to feel around him.

Then put it all in writing. When you have a clear vision of the right man, it’s like putting a shout out to the Universe that this is who you want.

Oh, and another benefit of having a clear vision of the right man for you is that you’ll be able to see him because now you’re open to the possibilities of who you can share your life with.

You’re Only Looking Online

Most women rely solely on dating sites to meet men. Then, when the dating sites wane, which is normal, they give up and start thinking no one is out there for them.

When this type of mindset invades your thinking, it usually leads to giving up on your dream of being in a great relationship again.

To keep this from happening, you’ll want to create what I call a Dating Blueprint that includes four ways to meet men:

• Online dating
• Meeting men in real life
• Matchmakers (Without a clear vision of the right man for you, matchmakers can be just as frustrating as Online Dating because you can’t see the possibilities.)
• Asking friends to fix you up

You’ll want to be using at least two avenues for meeting men at all times.

You’re Prejudiced About Men

The next reason I will give you is a huge set up for failing at finding love. It’s the limiting beliefs you may be telling yourself about who men are. Some of the most common ones I hear are:

• All the men online look too old, like my grandpa or father.
• There are no good men to date after 50. They’re all taken.
• Men my age aren’t as active as I am.
• Men only want to date younger women. (SO NOT TRUE!)

Do any of these sound familiar? If so, they are blocking you from finding love with a good man. The reason you might put limiting beliefs in place is to protect your heart from getting hurt again. But instead of protecting you, they hurt you because they keep you from making your dreams come true.

Byron Katie has a great exercise for recognizing your limiting beliefs and for turning them around.

You Want to Know Too Much Right Away

So many women show up on a date with what I call the Dating Resume Questions. These are questions like:

• What do you do?
• How many kids do you have?
• Why did you get divorced?

These questions are about trying to figure out if he’s The One before you’ve finished your coffee. Give men a chance and instead of drilling them, be laid back and try to find out something new and interesting about them.

You can do this by asking fun questions, like the ones below, that give you good information about a man without grilling him:

• What’s on your bucket list? (This gives you a sneak peek into who he is and what makes him tick.)
• What do you love about what you do for a living? (Far more interesting way to say, “What do you do?”)
• What’s your ideal vacation? (Great one for checking out compatibility.)

Questions like these make you laugh and bring out history you might have shared. They also make dating a lot more fun!

Have you found your Mr. Right? How long did it take? Where did you look? What did you know about him before your first date? Why did you choose him? Please share your thoughts with our community!