I was going to write about my delayed midlife crisis. Delayed because unless I live to be over 120 years, it was not really ‘midlife’. Now, it seems silly to write about something that dwarfs in comparison to what I have been feeling and experiencing. The onslaught of this global pandemic is now in our own backyards.

Stuck in Limbo

Because of quarantine, perhaps like many of you, I stopped being my usual productive and engaging self. Yes, I reached out to my ‘essential’ clients and offered to help. Yes, I reached out to my Jewish community, my women’s leadership community, and my not-for-profit community.

I offered to do what I do best – help others thrive through change and transition. And yet, I stopped taking care of myself. I felt a bit frozen in my own isolation. 

Without a work schedule and my usual activities – swimming, strength training, and yoga sangha – I felt alone. Thank goodness I have my husband.

I don’t mind being alone. However, when it is other directed rather than self-selected, day in and day out, it does not serve me. Being at home is a challenge as I know it is for so many.

After about three weeks of staying home, time no longer keeps the same way. I sometimes don’t know what day it is. Each day simply begins at sunrise and ends at sundown.

I have walked a little, rode my bike a little, meditated with yoga a little, baked a lot and made many, many pots of soup. Plus, I binge-watched all the episodes of Game of Thrones.

For some, this can be considered productive. For me, I was simply going through the motions without real engagement and focus. And I wasn’t sleeping. As soon as I laid my head down on the pillow, anxious thoughts began to pour in. 

My Facts and Truths

Let me begin by sharing that I am a hypochondriac. Needless to say, feeling unwell for two days and having chest pain had me worrying that I had been infected with the coronavirus. Thankfully, my worry was unfounded.

My psychology training and time spent in therapy have taught me that my worry is based on a cognitive distortion of my reality. But knowing does not make the worry go away.

I have also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which makes me experience difficult times on a far greater scale. Overwhelmed is my constant state of being these days. Add this to me being a naturally social person and you will get the whole picture.

Finding Resilience

Over the last few weeks, I have been challenged to find and lean on my strengths in a real and honest way. Following Brene Brown I have named my fears, given them a voice, and took away their power over me. Now I am walking alongside them.

I am showing up each day and being present. And I’m acknowledging all my accomplishments, no matter how small. 

My 13 Positive Psychology Steps

So, this is what I have started to do – use evidence-based positive psychology tools and strategies:

• Each day before I get up, I say out loud three things I am grateful for and set my daily intention.
• Put a limit to the amount of news I consume with a cutoff at 8:00pm. I do plan on listening to Governor Andrew Cuomo as he has replaced George Clooney as my imaginary boyfriend; and Dr. Fauci, our infectious disease expert.
• Limit my caffeine intake later in the day, though I was worried I could no longer order my favorite espresso.
• Work out as many times a day as needed as sometimes once is not enough.
• Keep a schedule or routine, though fluidity is my friend now. 
• Use the five senses grounding technique to mitigate my anxiety.
• Allow myself no more than 10 minutes at a time to worry.
• Be okay with not being okay.
• Meditate in small increments. 
• Dance around my house because no one is watching.
• Learn in lockdown – I am teaching myself piano and learning new coloring book techniques.
• Always look for ways to be of service to others.
• I’m also getting back to my coaching and training business, now with the tagline of ‘thriving through change and transition’. I haven’t been thriving much lately, and that is ok. I will continue to do the work of fostering connection, caring for others, and creating results.

Perhaps like many of you, I was lost the last few weeks, but now I have found my way back. As Governor Cuomo addresses NYS with strength, stamina, and stability, I too will lean on my foundation of the same – without discarding my cloud of concern for myself, my family, my friends, my community, and the world. 

How has the coronavirus shutdown impacted you personally? Have you had to change your schedule, your way of thinking, your way of doing things? Have you found resilience in you to recognize your fears, address them, and start walking alongside them? Please share with all of us, and let’s have a discussion!

When it comes to beauty routines during safer-at-home orders, really anything goes. Some feel better applying makeup and doing their hair and others are just doing the bare minimum to stay sane. There are no rules and it’s all about what makes you feel best. So when Hilarie Burton’s gray roots showed up front and center in the actress’ latest Instagram post, we weren’t totally surprised. But then we heard why she’s not touching up her roots right now, we were seriously touched.

“The ‘silver lining’ is literally growing out of my skull,” Burton wrote on Instagram. “For all of our frontline and essential workers who are too busy to fuss with things like hair color, I grow mine out in solidarity with you.” She noted that she doesn’t want to spend her spare time on “vanity” but instead wants to put herself to use helping those on the front lines. Though, she admits, it’s a small gesture. “It’s a small, silly symbol. Gray hair. Who cares, right?” she wrote. “But I hope the nurse or the vet or the store clerk who is feeling tired and overwhelmed knows that it’s a visible thing I can show that says ‘I’m with you.’”

Source: Instagram

It’s a really sweet salute to essential workers (not to mention, she looks great!), but you absolutely should not feel bad if you prefer to cover your own gray roots while at home. It’s all about what makes you feel comfortable right now and we are all finding ways to give back and help those who are working so hard to keep us safe. And hey, if you want to let your gray roots grow in, take inspo from Burton and just go for it.

Denise Richards’ White and Gold Dress at Kyle Richards’ Dinner Party

Season 10 Episode 3 Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Fashion

Denise Richards’ may not be feeling fine but she looks better than ever in her white and gold dress at Kyle Richards’ dinner party, especially for undergoing surgery just prior. I’ve only had one surgery in my life (appendectomy) when I was 12 and I don’t remember feeling like I could function properly for at least 2 months, let alone go to a dinner party a shortly after. Yes I was only 12 so a dinner partiers weren’t exactly in my planner, but I can still say that I wasn’t about to hit up my friends on Yahoo Messenger let alone leave my house.

As an adult I appreciate Denise’s bounce back. She certainly is strong and tough for what she had gone through. If I ever needed to have surgery again, I’d hope that I come out healthy and still have the strength to keep strutting in my cute heels and mini dress, just like Denise.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Click Here To Shop Her Saloni Marissa Mini B Dress

Originally posted at: Denise Richards’ White and Gold Dress

The nature of my counseling practice is talking about changes clients want to make in their lives. Some of the most frequent frustrations I hear are, “I’m too old to change. It’s too hard. Why should I be the one to change when they’re the problem?” Weary voices object, “Take me or leave me as I am.”

I hear that voice in my head, too. Then I have to ask, “How’s that working?”

Change doesn’t always happen the way we hope. Sometimes it’s so slooooow. And even when we do change for the better, it is not always appreciated, much less acknowledged. Ugh! For the people pleaser, not getting approval for making positive changes is practically a deal breaker.

When we feel like our life is diminishing, remember a strong and beautiful finish is within reach. With our lifetime of experiences, now is the time to transform into our best self.

We’ve been created with incredible value. Sometimes the change we are seeking is actually a return to who we were born to be: worthy and wonderful.

Where Does Your Change Actually Begin?

Changing your behavior, as instructed in a million self-help books and YouTube videos, is not where change begins. It starts inside the most vulnerable part of your head, heart, and soul with these three questions:

Have You Accepted That You’re the One That Needs to Change?

Change starts with some honest and sometimes painful confessions in the privacy and safety of your own mind. One woman admits she’s been pushing her family away. Another cries that old friends seem to avoid her now. Jobs are lost. Opportunities are denied. Many people feel sad or angrier than ever before.

It’s hard work to admit that you’re the one that needs to change. Sometimes we can’t get to this kind of insight alone. We all need a loving friend or therapist to guide us (not tell us) toward these conclusions.

Do You Believe You’re Capable of Changing?

Look for times when you’ve successfully changed in your past. Life is not one monumental conversion that the world can point to and say, “WOW, look at her now!” It is usually the accumulation of incremental “change-steps” that are barely noticeable by themselves.

Has something like this happened to you? Someone I hadn’t heard from since 1990 sent me a Facebook message which started with the question, “Hey Chris, are you still the stubborn, ambitious woman I once knew?”

I immediately felt a little embarrassed. Thirty years ago, insecure and defensive, I was a “me-first,” do-whatever-it-took-to-get-ahead kind of woman, professionally and personally. Clearly, he thought I was still the same person.

Thank God with a lot of love (and therapy) I barely resemble that unhappy woman. My transformation came slowly but continually. Now I have a constant reminder that I am able, if willing, to change, instead of waiting for my circumstances and the people around me to change.

Are You Focusing on the Wrong Side of Change?

Before we put change into action, we have to really want it. If we don’t want it, we won’t get it. We have to warm up to change until just the thought of it burns into a bright and fortifying flame. How brilliant do you want to be? Do you want to burn better and brighter? If you answer yes, then read on.

Rather than focusing on the end result or payoff of change, focus on the initial reason your heart and soul are inspiring your transformation. Sure, being 20 pounds thinner, having better relationships, and being less afraid are worthwhile pursuits.

But the brass ring itself, no matter how strong its lure, is not enough to create and sustain change. And changing behavior for the sake of better behavior is just an exhausting act of discipline and hard to maintain.

How Do You Know You Need to Change?

The real change factor is in the internal wiring of your heart and soul. You’ll know you need to rewire how you navigate life if:

• Your need for approval and your avoidance of conflict smother your desire to change.
• You struggle with unworthiness and believe you don’t deserve a better life.
• You feel like a predictable – though painful – life is better than an exhausting and unpredictable fresh start.
• You are stuck in a comfortable and ordinary life, unable or unwilling to risk it all for what’s extraordinary.

These are heavy issues to deal with. But you must begin to unwrap them, even a little, so that nothing holds you back from launching your sustainable change. This is the key to lasting transformation.

We can change a little more every day. Change, really changing forever, means opening our hearts to let go of habits that were protecting us from getting hurt. Change isn’t about protecting our self. It’s about connecting with the better self we are meant to be.

How often do you evaluate your personal strengths and weaknesses? Have you ever considered that you might need to change to move on in your life? What’s been stopping you? Please share your thoughts and let’s have a conversation!