There’s a popular children’s song meant to inspire kids to exercise. It’s called Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes. If you’ve ever had children, grandchildren, step-children or just spent time with little kids, you’re undoubtedly familiar with it.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that they should create a grown-up version of that song, one that captures that time of life when you become acutely aware that your body is slowing down.

You know that phase, “After a lifetime of perfect vision, you’re suddenly wearing glasses.” Long after your own children have long graduated orthodontia, your dentist has informed you that you, too, need braces again!

Aches in New Places

In my case, I had already been battling piriformis syndrome for years. Piriformis syndrome, for those not in the know, is, quite literally, a “pain in the ass.” It comes about due to over-use of the piriformis muscle, which connects the base of your spine to your hip.

In many people, the piriformis also surrounds the sciatic nerve that runs up and down your leg. So, when strained, you might feel pain anywhere from your bum right down to your toes. Ouch.

I could handle that. I’d been doing stretches to help manage that pain for a while now. But then, around the turn of the new year, a few new pains emerged to complement my ongoing sore hip.

First, I had surgery on my vocal cords and lost my voice completely. Since January, I have been working with assorted speech and physio-therapists to retrain myself how to speak and breathe.

Next, my eyes started stinging. It also felt like there was something inside them all the time. A few weeks later, I was diagnosed with blepharitis.

My husband has had this condition for years. I wasn’t sympathetic and used to mock him for endlessly telling anyone who would listen about his “dry eyes.” Now that person doing the endless complaining is me. (“It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.” Sorry, couldn’t resist…)

And then, finally, my jaw started to ache whenever I chewed anything (TMJ). The diagnosis for that condition was stress. I briefly consulted with a dental psychologist – yes, that’s a profession! – who basically told me that I needed to relax.

“Yup! Working on that,” I told her. Grrrr.

Do We All Turn into Our Mothers?

All these conditions are likely to remain with me, to some degree or another, for the rest of my time on earth. And I know that I’m not alone. 70% of those who experience chronic pain are women. It is also said that women perceive pain more intensely than men do.

To manage these assorted medical problems without ending up back in the hospital, I now spend a good 45 minutes a day stretching, putting a warm cloth on my eyes, doing vocal warm-ups and practicing my breathing.

I have this theory that by the time we hit middle age, we all end up turning into our mothers. When I was a kid, it seemed like my mother was forever lying on the bedroom floor ‘wogging’ her back. I used to think that was nuts. Now I do it all the time.

At first, I was really frustrated that I was losing so much of my day to a ‘non-essential’ activity. Over time, I’ve tried to change the framing of my ablutions. I try to view this ‘lost’ time as time gained: I’m listening to more podcasts. Stretching also makes me feel stronger.

A New Exercise Jingle

All of which is to say that if you soon hear a jingle aimed at us middle-aged folk that goes something like this: “Throat, jaw, hip and eyes. Hip and eyes! Throat, jaw, hip and eyes…,” you’ll know who penned it.

Come to think of it, I think I better trademark that now.

What are your middle-aged ailments? By all means, feel free to moan in the comments below.

A lot of people, including myself, have fallen hard for the “Konmari” craze. In case you’ve been hiding under a rock, the trend – which has spread like wildfire – is the result of the enormous success of Marie Kondo’s best-selling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

The book has also sparked a television series where Kondo is invited into people’s homes to help them sort through their “stuff.” Much of that stuff involves clothing.

Seeing What You Have

The first thing she recommends is to take all of your clothing – and I mean everything – out of your closet, drawers, shelves, anywhere it is taking up precious real estate, and put it all in one big pile.

It’s a revelation. Most of us have no idea how much we have, let alone what we have, until we see it all piled up. It can also be somewhat embarrassing.

For someone like Kondo, who comes from a tightly packed island like Japan, closet space and ownership of things comes at a steep price. Each thing demands careful consideration.

What impressed me about her is the deep and genuine respect she pays, both to the actual home itself, and to the sensitivities of the inhabitants. She never says, for example, “Puh-leeze, get rid of THAT!”

No, she is very soft spoken and gentle, because frankly, letting go of things brings up a lot of emotions: loss, grief, memories we’d rather not revisit, happy ones we’d rather not let go.

Some people find tremendous comfort in being “cocooned” by their stuff, especially their clothes, even if to others it looks a lot like hoarding. This can be especially true for someone who grew up impoverished. All those things tell the psyche, “We have made it.”

How to Decide What to Keep

So, to help them decide what to keep Kondo asks the simple question: “Does it spark joy?”

It’s an important question. I have learned how to apply this successfully when sorting through books, papers, household items, etc. But for clothes it’s more nuanced and personal. What does it mean for an article of clothing to spark joy? Do clothes have to spark joy?

A lot of the clothes that sparked joy in me in the past did so because they made me feel sexy and attractive. But many are things I would never again wear. I have no desire to show that much skin any more. These days I value comfort greatly. I also value longevity and usefulness.

For those reasons it’s been easier for me to say, “This no longer brings me joy, or actually never did,” and then let it go, than to say, “This brings me joy.”

A blouse, jacket, or dress might make me feel good about myself; it might serve an important purpose, or it might have sentimental value… but I can’t always say that joyfulness is part of why I keep it.

Some Other Questions to Ask

But still, the concept of “What sparks joy?” inspired some corollaries that I found very useful. They also offer good suggestions about why to keep pretty much anything, but are especially valuable when it comes to our clothes:

• Do I need this?
• Do I wear this currently?
• Does this reflect the life I want to live?
• Does this reflect the person I want to be seen as this year, next year, five years from now?

Along with the idea that something we wear makes us feel good about ourselves it should also be useful… and used. That’s why I always encourage clients to buy the best they can afford or similar pieces to those they love and then wear them to death.

It’s what people in many parts of the world who have small closets, or no closets for that matter, understand and value. And that brings us to another important consideration.

How Much Do We Really Need?

Maybe that is the crux of it. I just read an article by a woman I know who, after being treated for breast cancer, decided to leave it all behind and grab as much life as she possibly could. She and her husband sold their home and most of their belongings and bought a boat.

They now sail throughout the Caribbean and are planning to circle the globe. In reading her missives from tropical and sometimes challenging locations, it became obvious just how little we need to be happy… and to survive. Maybe as we age our joys are just more “quiet.”

I think Marie Kondo would approve.

What clothes do you have that spark joy? Why do you love them? Have you done any of Marie Kondo’s clearing of your closet? Please join the conversation below!

As I am writing this article, the U.S. economy has been growing for a record 128 consecutive months. In addition, unemployment, now standing at 3.6%, is the lowest that has been in half a century.

Yet, despite these positive indicators, there is a feeling that not everyone is benefiting equally from the recent economic expansion. And, among those feeling somewhat left behind are our kids, many of whom are struggling with high levels of student debt, limited job prospects and unrealistic life expectations, fueled by a social media infrastructure gone crazy.

So, perhaps it’s no surprise that, despite the economic boom, 23% of Millennials still live with their parents. That’s according to a 2018 study by Zillow, an online real estate database company.

In addition, according to a report by Merrill Lynch and Age Wave, 58% of 18-34-year-olds say that they could not afford their current lifestyle without parental support.

To be clear, I have nothing but sympathy for these young adults, who are genuinely struggling to make ends meet. But, today, I want to write about the flip side of the coin – how can we, as parents to adult children, tell if we are being too financially generous with our money.

To better understand this issue, I recently reached out to 10 of my friends who are still supporting their adult children. Some of them have let their children “return to the nest.” Others are simply providing financial support. But, all of them are helping their kids financially, in one way or another.

Before I share the 5 ways that you can tell if you are being too financially generous with your adult children, I want to make one thing clear. I realize that this is an emotional topic. In addition, since everyone feels like their situation is unique, it would be foolish to paint everyone with the same brush.

That said, I hope that these 5 indicators give you something to think about. They are not “rules.” They are just topics for discussion with your partner, friends and adult children.

Here are 5 possible indicators that you may have become too generous with your adult kids.

Your Own Finances Are Suffering

As parents, we want to be generous with our kids. This is especially true when we see that they are suffering. But, at some point, we have to admit to ourselves (and our adult children) that we are pushing ourselves too hard.

As I was conducting interviews for this article, one of my friends admitted that she had added $15,000 in fresh credit card debt (after spending a decade getting out of debt) to support her adult daughter.

Our reasons for wanting to help our adult children are usually valid. “He just can’t find a job.” “He needs a car to get to work.” “Rent in San Francisco is so expensive,” “My parents helped me,” “If I don’t help, he’s going to end up on the street,” “My son has an addiction problem,” “My daughter is a single mom,” “He’s trying to better himself by going back to college,” “She just lost her roommate”… the list goes on and on.

But, as they say in those airplane safety videos, the best advice in any emergency is to “first put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.”

To be clear, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to stop helping your adult children completely. On the contrary, being honest about your situation may allow you to help them for longer – or in more meaningful ways.

Just don’t forget about your own financial needs. You are also important. Besides, no-one benefits – including your adult children – if you quite literally run out of money.

Your Conversations with Your Adult Kids Always Center Around Money

One of the women I talked to complained that the only time her adult children call her is to ask her for money. And, I have a feeling that she is not alone.

Many of us feel like the 2-3 minutes of casual conversation that we get at the beginning of each telephone call from our kids is just leading up to the next financial request.

So, how can we deal with this situation? Many of the people I spoke with said that they had found success in formalizing the support that they will provide and making it crystal clear that no exceptions would be made.

For example, you might agree to pay a fixed amount each month and refuse to discuss other requests for money. Or, you might say that, with the exception of genuine medical emergencies, you just aren’t able to help beyond what you are already doing.

It will be hard the first few times that your adult children call asking for an exception, but, you can do this! If you give in, you will forever be seen as “The Bank of Mom.”

Your Adult Children Are Becoming More, Not Less, Dependent

No-one wants their adult children to be dependent on them. In fact, most of us start giving support to our adult children specifically because we want to help them to find their own feet. We feel like if we just give them a little boost, they will get their lives under control and get on the road to independence.

Unfortunately, as a friend once told me, “there is nothing more permanent than temporary” and, far too often, our attempts to help our adult children actually make them more, not less, dependent on us.

I’m sure that, if you sit down and really think about your situation honestly, you will know if this is happening in your family. Are your kids using your financial support to rebuild their own lives? Have they shared their plans with you for the future? Are they executing on these plans?

If the answer to these questions is no, then, it might be time to reconsider whether your assistance is really helping them to become the people that you know they can be.

Your Assistance Feels Expected (or Even Deserved!)

Nothing feels worse than having your support taken for granted. And, this is exactly how many parents of adult children feel. Or, even worse, they feel like their kids have an entitled mentality to the help they are receiving.

To be 100% clear, no matter who you are, if you are reading this article, you did your best as a parent. Did you make compromises along the way? Of course! Did you often have to choose between work, your kids and your partner? Absolutely? Did you make mistakes? We all did!

No matter what happened in the first 18 years of your kids’ lives, you don’t owe them anything. If you choose to help them, that is your decision – and it can be a noble and correct decision. But, you deserve to be appreciated and loved.

If your relationship with your kids – particularly when you consider the financial support you are providing – seems one-sided, it may be time to have an open and honest conversation with everyone involved.

You Find Yourself Always Thinking of Worst-Case Scenarios

Many parents are helping their adult children with “normal life” issues – paying the rent, putting fuel in the car to get to work, paying for childcare. But, for others, giving support to their adult children quite literally feels like a life or death decision.

For example, one man in our interview group told me that his son had a drug addiction problem and that he had already put him through 4 rounds of rehab – at a cost of over $50,000! By the way, this man is not rich. He dipped into his 401K on each occasion to help his son.

Unless you have a child with a serious medical, mental or addiction challenge, you can’t begin to imagine the worry involved. And, when your child is suffering and asks for your help, you can’t help thinking about the worst-case scenarios. “Will my daughter end up on the street?” “What if my son relapses?” “My daughter will do something harmful if she can’t see her favorite therapist.”

These are by far the hardest situations to deal with when it comes to providing financial support to your adult children. And, I’m most definitely not going to provide advice here. But, I would suggest that, if you are feeling overwhelmed, financially, emotionally and mentally, that you seek help for yourself.

This help could come in the form of therapy. Or, it could just be a matter of being honest with your partner or a trusted friend about your situation. Regardless, if you are always thinking about the worst-case scenario, it’s time to get some support. You deserve to be happy too!

Do you ever feel like you are being too financially generous with your adult children? Do any of the scenarios in this article hit close to home?

New
Year 2020 has come and gone, and many of the resolutions undertaken with such
gusto have already been abandoned. It doesn’t take much to derail the train,
does it?

There
is an abundance of sensible advice about all the ‘tips’ to make changes to long
standing behaviour, but as the good old saying goes: It’s easier said than
done.

Sure,
it can all start so well, but it can come undone just as easily, leaving us
frustrated and wondering why we seem to lack the strength of character to
resist the sudden urges that sabotage our efforts.

#1 Resolution – Weight Loss

Weight
loss almost always makes it to the top – or close to it – of any new resolution
list, often along with drinking and smoking, but chances are that unless you
possess a will of tempered steel, it won’t take long before you revert to old
habits.

As
guilty as the rest, I have been beguiled by the promises of the latest diet
only to find that after an enthusiastic start, which could even last a couple
of weeks or months, there is a sudden, irresistible, irrational pull back to
the old habits.

I
myself have discovered just how loudly chocolate cake can call from across the
room! Fortunately, there is a natural and healthy solution.

True Steps to Weight Loss

There are 3 steps to weight loss that I’ve
found very helpful, so let me share them with you.

Ditch the Diet

Extensive
research over the years (which people seem to be determined to ignore) shows
that diets make you fat.

Neuroscientist
Sandra Aamodt refers
to some of that research and cites mindful eating as the solution to
getting rid of excess weight. She is right, of course, but people still struggle
to stay on track:

• They can’t tell the difference
  between hunger and appetite.
• They let mood dictate when they
  eat.
• They allow themselves to buy
  things that can sabotage their efforts.
• They don’t pay attention to
  when they are satisfied/full.
• They don’t get enough sleep.

Discover Your Trigger and the Off Switch at the Same Time

There
is a surprisingly simple way to
rewire your brain to co-operate. People who have experienced the benefits of
hypnosis – the singer Adele recently amongst them – have been amazed at how easily they can sail
past what was once irresistible and make better choices about what they feed
their bodies.

It’s
essential that you become mindful of what prompts you to eat when you’re not
even hungry. It can be any number of emotions: possibly boredom, anger, depression,
anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, perceived scarcity, etc.

Identify
your trigger – the cause of your overindulgence – and this will let you deal with what has become
an ingrained habit.

Take Control of Yours Thoughts Now

Our
thoughts, which we revisit repeatedly every day (95% of our daily thoughts are
the same as they were yesterday!), ultimately control our feelings, which
control our beliefs, which in turn control our actions.

Once
we decide to break the cycle, we can deal with the destructive habits that
determine our actions.

Change
your thoughts and discover how the call of chocolate cake need not determine
your eating habits!

How often do you eat when you aren’t really hungry? Do you
contemplate having a treat more often than you need it? How many diet plans
have you followed to date? Do you think there’s a correlation between eating
habits and the brain? Please share your thoughts with our community.

Doing seven hours of specific and
targeted physical activity a week – yup, I can happily say that I’m fit for my
age. Getting fit
after 40 with
my new career as a personal trainer was something I relished after years
working in retail management.

Sometimes, whilst working around the
house or garden, I stop and am literally startled at what a body can do at over
60 years of age. I’m not saying this to boast. I just want to start in a
positive light. 

The Past of Fitness

The only time I can remember my mother
ever went to an exercise class or did anything to explicitly improve her
fitness was, unfortunately, when she was in a wheelchair. 

It was a locally organized community
group to encourage older adults to do some sort of movement. But, even then, I
remember her poo-pooing the idea that there would be any benefit at all. 

Sadly, our parents’ generation grew up
to the set standard of working hard, raising a family, and upon reaching 60 (or
65 for men), retirement. There was little to no deviation from the usual ongoing
chores like eating, sleeping, and having the occasional trip, interspersed with
watching Days of Our Lives.

Of course, our parents aren’t at
fault. The current ‘older’ generation – yes, like me and you – are fully aware
of the meaning of the simple but true maxim “use it or lose it,” but
awareness does not always turn into action.

We are more aware of the benefits of
regular exercise than ever before, but still we make excuses. It is sometimes
hard to get into a habit of physical activity without the immediate
gratification of positive results. Like a lot of things in life, however, if
you keep at it the rewards will be all too evident.

What Does Fitness Mean?

According to one source, fitness is “The ability to carry out daily tasks and routine physical activities
without undue fatigue.” That’s quite uninspiring though.

You could sit around all day and internally
believe that, at any time, you’ll be ready to get up to prepare dinner or chop
some wood. But would that be true?

The above definition easily creates
association with the saying “fit for purpose.” And if something is not fit for
purpose then you might as well bin it.

On another note, we all know that astronauts
are fit people. They’d have to be. Millions of dollars have been spent on high-tech cardio and weight resistance machines that try to keep them fit whilst in
space.

Shockingly, during their stay at the
International Space Station (ISS), astronauts can lose up to 50% of their
aerobic capacity.
Additionally, bone and muscle mass decreases significantly up in space – for every
month spent on the ISS, astronauts may lose up to 1% of their bone density
without proper exercise.

It’s no surprise then that an
astronaut’s life is much the same as a person over 60 with no physical
commitments. When someone is inactive for long periods, strength, bone, and
muscle mass is lost and the body atrophies.

Never Too Late to Start Exercising from Home

It’s never too late to start a regular
program of physical activity. And if you’re just beginning, a great place to start
exercising is from home.
It will be beneficial whatever age you are.

First of all, I am not a medical
practitioner and my suggestions are based on personal or anecdotal experience,
so if you’re in any doubt about proceeding with an exercise program, please
check with your medical professional beforehand. 

Areas of Fitness

There are generally three areas that
concern fitness.

Cardio

Cardiovascular, as the name suggests,
is a form of continuous steady physical activity that activates the heart and
respiratory system. Having efficient oxygen take-up to all the cells in your
body minimizes the risk of related heart diseases and cancers.

Strength

Strength comes from activating the
major and anterior muscle groups to make the body stronger with better balance.
The resulting leaner muscle promotes good weight management and lessens the
risk of many aging-related diseases.

Strength and resistance exercises lead
to stronger bones, which lessens the risk of osteoporosis in later life. The
bone mass can be retained and can even grow with correct strength training.

Stretch

The third and least stressful of our
pillars of fitness is stretching, though many don’t always see the importance and
benefits of gentle but purposeful body movements.

All You Need to Start Exercising from Home

To get started with exercise, you
don’t need any specific training equipment. Ideally, a towel, a mat, suitable
clothing, water, perhaps a sturdy chair, and a favorite video series would do
quite well.

An initial program should cover cardio, strength,
warming up beforehand, and stretching after. As you get fitter, stronger, and
faster you can up the tempo, use weights, and follow a video series that pushes
a little further.

Fitness Blender has 500 videos aimed at all levels.

Exercising Can Be Fun

In addition to those two or three
weekly workouts from home, you can find an exercise group that can help you
stay social and have fun.

Make a weekly date with a like-minded
friend or friends to keep you motivated to maintain the habit. Exercising
together, maybe in a class where you meet people is good for general
well-being.

Some suggestions include dancing, tai-chi,
yoga, swimming or aquafit, mall walking, hiking, and cycling. Anything that
gets your body moving and the heart pumping is beneficial and fun.

Whatever you choose, keep it up and enjoy.
Let us know how you go.

What makes up your exercise regime? If
you haven’t started one yet, what are you afraid of? What type of exercise do
you think you would enjoy the most? Please share in the comments below.