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Originally posted at: Emily Simpson’s Black Geometric Sunglasses

Imagine a time when everything familiar in the world around you felt like it was crumbling. The year is 500 BCE, the place – ancient China. The old order is collapsing: kingdoms are at war; traditions are being questioned; families are being torn apart by political chaos. Having provided stability for centuries, the poor old Zhou Dynasty is gasping its last breaths. This is the era historians would later call the Spring and Autumn period, which was followed by the aptly named Warring States period. It was, to put it mildly, not a happy time.

Any of this sound vaguely familiar? Amid our own era’s rapid change and various kinds of upheavals, if you squint a little, you might just recognize something of ourselves in this ancient chaos.

In the days of the Zhou Dynasty, Kong Qiu – better known to us as Confucius – did not have access to this fine website. Fortunately, he was more than capable of seeking answers elsewhere. In fact, for me, the where and how he looked for it is fascinating if you put it into the context of his time.

You see, while others looked to the heavens for mystical solutions or withdrew from society to seek enlightenment, he did something remarkably practical: he looked at the chaos around him and asked, “What if we could create pockets of harmony right here, right now, starting with our own families and communities?”

The Practical Philosopher

As I’ve just hinted at, Confucius wasn’t particularly interested in abstract philosophy or mystical experiences. While other thinkers of his time – he was born in about 551 BCE, we think – pondered the nature of the cosmos, he focused on something more immediate: how we treat each other at the dinner table, in the marketplace and in our communities. On more immediate things, in other words.

Blending with Buddhism’s philosophical framework and Taoism’s spiritual insights, what emerged from his teachings would shape Chinese civilization for over two thousand years. Crucially, where the first two of these traditions often point us inward or upward, Confucianism points us toward each other.

The Five Virtues: A Framework for Flourishing

And how does it point us towards each other? I would say through five interconnected virtues that are designed to create a framework for meaningful living.

Humaneness

Ren (humaneness) is the ultimate virtue, comprising compassion, kindness and empathy. As Confucius put it, “Do not impose on others what you do not desire.”

Ritual Propriety

Li (ritual propriety) encompasses the manners and rituals that foster social harmony, from thank-you notes to family traditions.

Filial Piety

Xiao (filial piety) extends beyond simple respect for parents to loyalty in all our relationships.

Righteousness

Yi (righteousness) calls on us to act with moral integrity, especially when no one is watching.

Wisdom

And Zhi (wisdom) reminds us that cultivating knowledge and discernment is a lifelong journey.

Above all, I see these as practical tools rather than abstract concepts. When I read about them, I felt a certain sense of validation of what I’d like to think I’ve long instinctively known:

Kindness matters, rituals create connection, honouring our relationships builds meaning, integrity defines us, and we’re never too old to learn.

A Place for Everyone

Do you ever feel like you’ve spent decades trying to be everything to everyone? For many women, this is one of the defining experiences of women since the mid-20th century. I ask the question because I think Confucianism has something rather profound and refreshing to say about this, celebrating well-defined roles and the boundaries they create. So long as it’s not within some oppressive hierarchy, there’s liberation rather than limitation in knowing what your place is.

Staying within a Role

For us 60-plus women, one way to read what Confucianism has to say about roles is that we can stop that exhausting performance of somehow doing everything someone in prime adulthood does. We can step back, and take on the roles of grandparenthood and not getting in the way of the younger generations’ quest to do things differently. There’s profound relief in accepting that we are elders now, with all the respect and responsibility that entails.

This doesn’t mean becoming rigid or demanding deference. I would argue it’s more about stepping fully into our role as wisdom-keepers and tradition-bearers. When we accept our place in a healthy generational hierarchy, we free our children to be adults and our grandchildren to be children.

Life Has Structures

At the heart of Confucianism, then, I see a simple insight: life has structures, and within those structures, we can find freedom. I confess that, on the face of things, this interpretation might clash more than a little with the wisdom about “letting go” and “going with the flow” that I’ve highlighted in my posts on other belief systems.

I’m not going to pretend I’m equal to the task of reconciling every tenet of every belief system, and in any case I wouldn’t want to, because if I did, I’d lose out on what might be the most profound Confucian insight of them all: relationships thrive – and we thrive – when everyone understands what they can contribute and what can be left to others.

The Timeless Guide for Today

We live in a time not unlike Confucius’s, where institutions we trusted are changing and social norms are in flux. Confucianism, I’ve found, helps me to see opportunity in all this where I once might have been more tempted to see doom and gloom. It makes me see how people like you and me can be the bridges between old and new, the keepers of wisdom and the creators of new traditions.

Confucius showed us that we don’t need to achieve perfect philosophical enlightenment. We just need to create small circles of harmony, relationship by relationship, conversation by conversation, courtesy by courtesy. If we can do this, we become part of the endless human project of creating meaning from chaos, connection from isolation and wisdom from experience.

Questions for You:

How do you see your role in the community around you? What family traditions have you created or maintained that bring order to your family life? How do you balance being a wise elder with continuing to learn and grow?

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Originally posted at: Emily Simpson’s Dark Denim Skinny Flare Jeans

I wrote a book as a way to explore the map of reinvention. Do you want to explore new directions? Is it scary? Of course. But why not try? Dream, examine patterns, be open to magic. Your anxiety can be tamed. As you lean into this exciting path, you can and will succeed. Why not feel new energy and aliveness?

I wrote the book and then I did what I wrote. A shaman in Ecuador said: “This is a good book. Have people pick a number between 2 and 209 (number of pages in the book) and that is their question to explore.” I often do this with people and get magical results.

Reinvent Now

I know you might not think you can reinvent your life, but you can if you say so. I wrote Creating Magic in Midlife: 101 Questions and Answers to help others but I actually did what I wrote about. From 2006 until now I have lived reinvented magic life.

After I left Santa Barbara as a successful psychotherapist specializing in trauma, the magic followed me. After 10 years in South America, I moved to Oaxaca, Mexico, then during the Covid-19 pandemic left for Dublin, Ireland, where I started a new chapter, a Master’s in creative writing.

People often say I am an inspiration. I want to share with you what helped me.

Doing Things That Felt Right, One Step at a Time

First, I went to a beautiful city of 14 million vibrant people. I lived for two years in Buenos Aires as an expat, learned to dance tango (it takes a lifetime, they say) and started to learn Spanish (Como estas? and donde estas? with my New York accent). I started to feel like living each day could be fun. Yes, the life of an expat is very challenging, and I will share more about that in the future. A few of us English speakers started a writing group that I attended weekly which offered support and friends.

After Buenos Aires, I moved to Cuenca, Ecuador, and immersed in the indigenous culture leaning into natural healing and how to live a sustainable lifestyle. Ecuadorians actually fix things instead of always buying new. They work hard and live their lives in harmony with nature. What a concept! Later on, I realized I was detoxing from consumerism and privilege. And I was becoming much happier than I had ever been.

In Dublin, I lived in a tiny house where I could walk everywhere (gave up the car culture for environmental and because I love to walk). My neighbours were friendly, and the city was full of culture. As a writer, I call it the candy store for writers.

Two Suggestions

Dream Your Future

You can use the question I use with clients: If you could have anything you want, what would your life look like? This means anything regardless of money, age, or any realities of your current life. It’s only a vision. You don’t need to do anything about it.

Start Looking for the People, Places and Things That Give You Energy

This is meant to be research. Again, you don’t need to do anything about what you are learning. My position is that motivation comes after taking seriously where we feel most alive.

In future posts, I will share more from my book, more stories and tips on how to explore more of your own dreams and also make less of my mistakes.

Take a few actions and feel your energy rise. Follow me here and please comment so we can have intriguing conversations!

Also read, Reinventing Yourself After 60 Starts with These 4 Questions.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How does reinvention sound to you? Scary or exciting? If you have started your own reinvention, what does it look like? Is it how you envisioned it, or does it look different now?

Parenting is hard.

Parenting while carrying your own childhood wounds? Even harder.

Many of us brought our pasts into motherhood without even realizing it. We didn’t set out to repeat old patterns or project our pain – but sometimes, that’s exactly what happened.

Maybe you grew up in a home where emotions were ignored, anger was explosive, or affection was conditional. Maybe you were left to fend for yourself too early. Or maybe your parents did their best, but they simply didn’t have the tools.

And when it was your turn to raise children, you carried all of that with you – whether you meant to or not.

We don’t parent in a vacuum. We parent from the stories we’ve lived, the fears we haven’t unpacked, and the healing we’re still working through.

When I Became a Parent

I was completely clueless. I am the youngest of eight children and by the time I came around, my parents were completely DONE. I was mostly raised by my older siblings. My mother’s menopausal mental health issues inflicted significant wounding on me. All I knew, becoming a parent, was that I would raise my kids differently. But I had no idea what that meant.

I voraciously read parenting books from the library. I can remember thinking, “I don’t even know how to PLAY with kids, much less raise them.” I read books about playing with children and planned fun activities and outings.

In the fire of parenting, I truly learned to love. Patience increased, creativity and confidence grew. I loved being a mom!

I also made plenty of mistakes. Some were out of ignorance of what was the right thing to do. Some were my own painful reactions to my own past. Parenting is a mixture of sheer love and terror. We fumble through the days, sometimes unaware of missteps we may be making.

Often, we only see the missteps in retrospect.

I look back at my clumsy parenting with great love, but some incidents stand out in horror. I made mistakes. I’m human.

So What Do You Do When You Realize You Didn’t Always Get It Right?

First, take a breath. That realization doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you human.

Second, tell the truth – but tell it with compassion.

You were doing your best, even if your best was shaped by unhealed pain. That doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for everything. But it does mean you get to hold both accountability and self-forgiveness at the same time.

Here’s what forgiveness looks like now:

• It’s naming what didn’t work without judging who you were.
• It’s making peace with the past, so it doesn’t define your future.
• It’s allowing yourself to move forward with love – even if not everything gets fixed.

If you’re in a season of rebuilding with your adult children, you might choose to say, “I know I didn’t always show up the way I wanted to. Some of that had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what I hadn’t dealt with.”

That kind of honesty opens the door to healing.

And if they’re not ready to walk through that door with you?

You can still walk through it for yourself.

Because the second act of your life deserves freedom, not regret. Forgive the version of you that didn’t yet know what you know now.

You’re not perfect. But you’re still growing. And that matters more than you think.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Can you identify ways in which you parented from your own pain? Are you ready to let them go?