Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

This year’s holiday is extra special for their family.

Some call it “the happiest time of the year,” but it can feel like jingle hell for others.

The holiday season has always been a time of joy and celebration, when families come together to share laughter, love, and create lasting memories.

Celebrating or Mourning?

But for those who have lost a loved one, the holidays can be an especially challenging and painful time, a stark contrast to the joy and celebration of this season. While many come together to share good times, others gather to make funeral arrangements or to attend funerals.

As a funeral director, I have witnessed the complex emotions and unique struggles that grieving families face during this time. In the early years of my career, it was not unusual for wakes to be held on Christmas Day. I recall spending the holiday in the funeral home with grieving families who saw it as spending their last Christmas together with a loved one. The pain was palpable, but so was the sense of togetherness and unity among the families.

These days, Christmas Day visitations in the funeral home are rare, but I witness the complex emotions and unique struggles that grieving families face during this time.

Redefining Traditions

They often grapple with whether to carry on with the festivities or shroud the holiday season in sorrow. Some choose to redefine their traditions, altering them to honor the memory of their loved ones. They light a special candle, hang a personalized ornament on the tree, or set aside a place at the table for their departed loved one.

These acts serve as a way to include their loved ones in the celebrations and as a source of comfort and connection to what they have lost. It’s a beautiful way to keep their memory alive and feel their presence during the holidays.

Still, for others, the holiday season serves as a painful reminder of the empty chair at the dinner table, the absence of a loved one’s laughter, or the void left by their touch. The colorful lights, cheerful carols, and bustling shopping malls only serve to highlight the emptiness that death has left behind. The living not only mourn the loss of a loved one but also grieve the loss of the traditions and festivities they once shared. The joy and excitement of the season are replaced by a bittersweet nostalgia, a constant reminder of what used to be.

Those Who Grieve Need Understanding

The expectations of other people often complicate the grieving process during the holidays. Friends and family, eager to spread cheer, may inadvertently overlook the needs of the bereaved. Invitations to holiday parties and cheery greetings can feel like salt in an open wound.

Grieving families find themselves trapped in a web of unspoken sorrow, longing for understanding and support from those around them. It’s crucial to check in on the bereaved, to offer understanding and a listening ear as they traverse the complex emotions that intertwine with the holiday season’s joy and grief.

Grieving during the holidays is a deeply personal and nuanced journey. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to navigate this difficult time; each person’s experience is unique. They must find their own path through the festive lights and shimmering decorations. Creating a new tradition can be a helpful way to keep the spirit of loved ones alive during the holiday season. It may also bring a sense of comfort and peace amidst the pain of loss.

Ideas for Working Through Grief During the Holidays

1. Attend a support group. Connecting with others who have experienced similar loss can provide a sense of community and understanding.
2. Hang a special ornament on the tree.
3. Donate to a charity in the deceased’s name. Consider causes that were important to your loved one. This can give the act of donation a more personal and meaningful touch.
4. Hang a stocking on the mantel in their honor.
5. Prepare the deceased’s favorite food and set a place at the table for them.
6. Make a special toast in their name.
7. Wrap a gift for your loved one.
8. Tell a favorite holiday story about them.
9. Be comforted by your faith.
10. Attend a remembrance service. Funeral homes and cemeteries often have them.
11. Visit the cemetery. Many decorate the grave with holiday floral blankets or wreaths.
12. For the new year, strive to embody their best qualities.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Does this make the holiday celebrations more difficult? What would be more helpful to have this time of year to make it easier?

Many of us have heard the instruction to “Put on your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others around you” on an airline flight. The same idea makes sense when it comes to helping adult children financially.

You’d Like to Help, But…

As noted in a previous Sixty and Me post, the Baby Boomer generation collectively has about $78 trillion in assets, but much of this wealth is held by the richest households. As they retire, many Boomers could find that their ability to help their adult children financially is limited. According to the ALI Retirement Income Institute:

“More than half [of Baby Boomers] (52.5%) have assets of $250,000 or less, making it likely that they will run through their savings and have to rely mainly on Social Security for income. Another 14.6% have assets of $500,000 or less, so nearly two-thirds will strain to meet their needs in retirement.”

As much as they may want to help, a substantial number of Boomers may find they cannot afford it.

For Those Who Can

Nevertheless, there are Boomer parents who are helping their adult children financially. In a survey by Savings.com, 45% are helping at least one of their grown-up kids on an average of over $1,400 per month. Not yet retired parents paid the most at $2,100 monthly, but this came at the cost of limiting their monthly retirement savings to an average of only $643.

The main expense categories were housing (rent/mortgage), cell phones, and groceries. Some parents (21%) helped with student loan payments at an average monthly amount of about $245.

Such generosity can be costly. A 2023 Credit Karma survey found over 80% of parents who helped their adult children hurt their own financial standing:

While some are willing to make sacrifices to help, the risks must be understood. For example, healthcare and long-term care costs can be significant in later years. According to LongTermCare.gov, of those reaching age 65 today, nearly 70% will require some long-term care before they die. Of these, 20% will need it for longer than five years. Therefore, overly generous financial help to adult children today could drastically impact future healthcare options.

Making Smart Choices

Here are some questions to consider about financial support for an adult child.

How Much Can You Actually Afford?

Protect your retirement savings. Think about ways to trim your expenses to free up funds.

Loan or a Gift?

If the money is a loan, it puts responsibility on the recipient’s shoulders rather than creating a sense of entitlement. Eventually, you could choose to forgive the loan. However, a gift, once given, can rarely be easily reversed.

Alternatives to Money?

Instead of giving money directly, what are other ways could you help? For example, babysitting part-time for grandkids. Think about the various scenarios and state what you are willing to do. Also, both parties should reserve the right to request changes to such an arrangement if needed.

Living at Home?

If help comes in the form of an adult child moving in with you, make sure the ground rules are established beforehand. What responsibilities does the “tenant” have around the house? Remember that this “kid” isn’t 12 anymore, so it’s important not to be overly motherly. On the other hand, your kid needs to act like a responsible adult.

How Will You Manage the Arrangement?

It’s your money, so you can make the rules about how much and how often you’ll provide funds. Meet face-to-face with your adult child, if possible, since long-distance communications leave more room for misunderstandings. Most of the time, these arrangements are temporary, so both parties should mutually agree on the conditions under which the arrangement ends.

Once you agree on the details, put everything in writing that both parties can sign. Having this for future reference rather than relying on memory will be helpful.

How Can Your Adult Child Learn Independence?

To help avoid dependence, think of ways to encourage the learning of practical life skills. For example, refer your adult child to resources for budgeting and financial planning. Also, consider providing referrals to financial coaches, financial planners, and accountants who can provide knowledgeable and objective viewpoints. As neutral third parties, this avoids the emotional baggage in the parent-child relationship.

Decisions about helping your child financially can be overloaded with emotion. While we’re willing to sacrifice for our children to help them in times of genuine need, we should also be honest about our own financial well-being. This isn’t selfish. If we maintain a stable foundation for ourselves, we’ll be better able to be there for them in the long run.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you been helping an adult child financially? What terms and conditions have you set? In what ways can you help your adult children?

This year’s holiday is extra special for their family.

Some fans love it…others, not so much.