Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

You can always count on this to bring them together.

The
reality of stepping out there after a long hiatus – whether you’re divorced or widowed – is anxiety-producing.
But what I’ve learned about myself and about men couldn’t have been experienced
otherwise.

Who
knows what you’ll glean from an hour or two (or 45 minutes, in a few cases)
over coffee, a glass of wine or dinner?

And
this is a good thing. Healthy, and perhaps even a tad heartwarming.

And
fun, too.

All
my encounters with men, whether male friends or dates, have been enlightening.
So, here are some of the things I’ve learned, in no particular order.

Regardless of Experience, Rejection Smarts

“It’s still painful, getting rejected,” a friend of mine, who’s dated widely and works the room (as I call it), said. “Especially if you think you’ve read all the signals. You never get used to being rejected.”

What’s he really saying between the lines? I wondered. “Are you saying flirting is almost like leading a man on?” I asked.        

“Not
exactly.” He hesitated and then elaborated. “When a woman flirts, I think she’s
interested, and I’ll ask her out. I’m a man, it’s what I do,” he said with a
hurt look.

I
couldn’t really blame him for trying.

Women Are Not Tuned in to Rejection

“Women
don’t really know what it’s like to be rejected all the time,” my friend said.
“How many times have you risked rejection by asking a man on a date?”

With a start, I realized I could count on one hand the times I’d asked a man out. Two or three over a lifetime? Men put themselves on the line far more often than women do. And, men too, are riddled with doubt, whether they’re looking for companionship or their special person.

Practical Lessons

I’ve learned a
few practical things from men. I know how to check the pressure in my tires, the
value of really good paint and how to choose and apply it. Hint: Never shake
the can, which creates bubbles.

I know how to
pull baseboard off the wall without damaging it. I’ve learned some sexy rhumba
moves and two complete line dances – which I
forgot a week later. Also, I can play the first four notes to “When the Saints
Go Marching In” on the harmonica.

Men with a Hobby Are Interesting Species

I
especially enjoy the company of men who have a passion. Too many men have few
interests beyond the sedentary, and no, I don’t count going out to eat. Right
now, I have a musician friend with his own band, a writer who’s on his fourth
book, and a welder, who’s been at his hobby for 40 years.

It’s
particularly intriguing to watch and listen to these men talk about their
projects. You can almost see the gears in their brain turn and click, and all
of that elevates your spirits too.

Men Have Body Issues Too

Men
have the same body hang-ups we do. The male character in my new
novel-in-progress has lost a cool one hundred pounds.

To
research this touchy subject, I spoke to a brave man about his body image
before and after his gastric bypass. Although he felt much more at ease after
losing weight, he preferred lights off in the bedroom.

“My
wife has a tough time losing weight,” another friend told me. “Now that I’m
trying to shake 30 pounds off, I have a lot more compassion for her than I used
to.”

Other
friends hate their chicken legs and wear socks to disguise skinny shins or a
shirt at the beach to cover a thin chest.

Two Categories of Men

When it comes to dating in our 50s and beyond, men fall
into two categories. Those who know what they want and those who don’t. This is
obvious, you say? Not so fast.

A man can believe he knows what he wants, but if, at
around the two or three-month mark in the relationship, he starts backing off,
it’s a sign he has doubts. Which is reason enough to have a full life, so you
don’t go all clingy.

Don’t Keep Him Hanging On

If you’re not interested, let a man go. Leading someone on is cruel and worse – it’s dishonest, especially if he’s paying
your way.

I’ve
been on both sides of this dating dilemma. A lopsided relationship, no matter
which side you find yourself on, is not fun. Give it three dates at the most.
You’ll know at that point.

Men Don’t Like to Feel They’re Being Used

No one likes to be used, but online dating lends itself
more easily to bad behavior (ghosting, bread crumbing, for example) than most
other social activities.

More than one man I met over wine or a beer felt
obligated to announce he didn’t take a woman to dinner on a first meet. “Some
ladies out there just want dinner, and they meet us guys so we’ll wine and dine
them.”

Best to keep it casual and inexpensive on the first
date.

Sensitivity to All Relationships

Men are as sensitive as women to family issues,
misunderstandings with friends and troubled offspring. They can’t always let
go, especially since many divorced and widowed men have no one to vent to.

Clueless About First Date Conversation

Many men who are dating for the first time aren’t great
at asking questions. In fact, some blow it by dominating the conversation.

When you finally rise from the table, you realize you don’t know a thing about him, and he knows everything about you. You might want to give this clueless guy a second chance. Second dates allow a man to relax and focus more on getting to know you.

Interest Shows

If a man is into you, he wants to spend time with you. This
goes for male friends as well as those interested in dating you. Your friends
not only value you, they’ll be there long after your latest two-month
relationship has fizzled, so cherish the friendship.

Men aren’t the pleasers we women are. There are times I
don’t say no when I should, volunteer for projects or activities I have little
interest in – and resent it
later. Men don’t seem to have this problem. This is not a scientific survey and
comes from my experience. Do you find it true?

Men Love Appreciation

Often, while we’re pursuing productivity and the
occasional drudgery of our daily lives, we forget to show the men in our lives
how much we appreciate them. And I don’t want to take anyone in my life for
granted.

Acceptance is great quality and, when it comes down to what’s important in life, we all have room to be more open and accepting toward those we love and value.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you think that even after 60, women are just missing some of the things about men? Men are sensitive, men love appreciation… Do you agree with some of the statements in this article? Which ones? Please share below and let’s have a conversation!

What’s the answer?

On a recent trip to Ireland, Wales, and England, I was hoping to keep a daily travel journal. Although, I’m a writer by trade, it seemed a daunting task. Taking the time each and every day of the trip to consider what I had seen and experienced is one thing, but then writing it all down in a cohesive readable fashion seemed another. Too much for a pleasure trip, it seemed. I never was a daily diary keeper or one who regularly journaled, still I wanted to remember this special journey in writing in some way. I decided to write a daily poem.

The Idea

Many of us keep journals when we travel, writing down simple thoughts, dates, and places, and sometimes taking time to write lengthy remembrances. But this time, I thought committing to the idea of creating verse would be a more immediate, emotionally driven way to do it. And maybe more fun.

I’ve written some poetry, some even published, but poetry would not be considered my main genre. And honestly, that is not the point at all. It is not about whether you can write the best poetry, or even good poetry. And maybe you’ve never tried to write a poem. It doesn’t matter.

The idea is simply about documenting one’s emotional journey, and any of us can do that. Travel is a good way to begin, but you can do it as an everyday practice, too. Remember what author John Steinbeck wrote: “And now that you don’t have to be perfect you can be good.”

I told myself I did not want to belabor every word while writing the poem, but instead to let the poems rise out of the moment, making only minor adjustment or word changes within only a few minutes after their initial creation.

Essentially, they were written in of-the-moment emotion. They were poems of the present, written with the heart, written to be just for now.

Keep them short, simple, and use your senses – what you see, hear, and smell.Write what is in your soul. Simple. Immediate. Let it be what it is at that singular time. This is your poetry. You make the rules. This permits it to be the perfect discipline for stretching your creative side, a process many medical professionals say helps us cognitively and emotionally in our later years.

Example Poetry

Part of the trip brought me to Kinsale, Ireland. If you are not familiar, it’s a fishing port in the southern part of the country with colorful houses and incredible restaurants filled with seafood pulled from waters just feet away. On the interior wall of one establishment were the black-and-white photographs of a dozen fishermen, men and women who worked the nearby sea for years, along with their fathers before them.

Those photographs sparked a short poem.

The Fishermen

The sea has stained his face in streams of blood and salt,

his father had the same, and the father before him, too,

gathering oysters and mussels in water-soaked knots of briny nets.

It’s a good day in Kinsale when the fishermen rest

with a smoke and a pint as laughter crackles

as they talk of good weather and women,

and the goodbyes are only until tomorrow

when dawn awakens to the silent sound

of silvery wakes on a quiet sea.

Poems as Diary Entries

The poem served as a record in verse for a specific and very particular evening in Ireland. Is it great poetry? No. It is poetry of experience? Yes. And so, it can mark the minutes of a life. It can document the singular and yet deep weight of a specific time and place. Call it instant poetry, poetry that has no other purpose than to say, “I was here. This is what I saw. What I felt at this very moment.”

So, on your next adventure – around the world or around the block on your daily walk – let your senses take over, and then later in a quiet moment, write in verse what you feel. Short. Long. In between. Rhyme or not. Just let it out. Let your creativity loose.

I wrote 13 poems on my trip, 13 hyper-focused exchanges, one each day, observations, and emotions, my personal poetic diary of nearly two weeks of traveling to new and unforgettable places. You can do the same. Let your heart and experiences be your guide and you’ll have a unique and memorable diary of your place in this world.

Questions for Reflection:

What does poetry mean to you? Have you tried writing poems to express your feelings when you travel? Do you keep a travel journal? What do you write in it?

I once saw a clip from the old Bob Newhart Show, (wasn’t he the greatest?!), where he had a patient come for her therapy session and after she told him what she was worrying about, he quickly said, “Stop it!” She looked at him quizzically, and he said, “Just stop it!” Each time she tried to explain further, he kept interrupting her, repeating, “Stop it, just stop it!”

It was a funny bit, but not exactly what you want to hear from your therapist! “Just stop it.” Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that easy?

Well, I created a simple (I didn’t say easy!) 3 step process to help myself and my clients to stop, in their tracks, the thoughts that don’t serve us! But first, take a look and see if some of these thoughts below sound familiar…

“You idiot, how could you have forgotten to (fill in the blank), or “You look so fat, you look so old, your best days are behind you, how can you be so stupid” etc. etc. etc. Now I ask, would you ever say any of the above to a dear friend? Something tells me, that’s a no!

We Need to Become More Aware About How We Talk to Ourselves

If you want to:

Stop: worrying about the future and instead,
Start: being present each day and let the future unfold.

Stop: letting what has happened to you continue to define who you are and instead,
Start: living your best life.

Stop: the quicksand of limiting beliefs keeping you stuck in your fears and instead,
Start: flying free.

Stop: worrying about the ‘how,’ constantly overthinking things and instead,
Start: taking the next best step.

Then I invite you to try the 3-step process I call:

Notice It, Name It, Reframe It!

Here are several examples and the steps to take giving you an idea of how to practice.

Experiencing a Big Life Change

If you are facing a big life change whether it’s a loss, or a move, or a health challenge, and you find yourself thinking things like, “I can’t handle this. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I want things to be different.”

Notice it: Whoa, I know this is challenging, but these thoughts aren’t going to serve me.

Name it: I am feeling scared, and my thoughts are going to the dark side.

Reframe it: It is important that I feel my feelings and remember that I can handle anything if I stay present, breathe, and keep taking the next best step. When I fight against reality it makes things worse. I can do this. I’ve got this. I will ask for support when I need it, and I will get through this.

Suffering from Self-Abuse

If you have thoughts like,“You idiot, how could you have forgotten to do that, why did you do that, when will you ever learn?”

Notice it: I just literally verbally abused myself.

Name it: I just called myself an idiot. It’s not true and I won’t be spoken to like that!

Reframe it: I am doing the best I can. I will keep doing the best I can, and that is enough.

Broken Self-Image

If when you look in the mirror, you think, “You look so fat and ugly, when are you going to lose weight!”

Notice it: Holy crap, I just fat shamed myself!

Name it: That was so mean and nasty. I’d never say that to anyone.

Reframe it: I am not perfect, and no one is. I want to be healthy and take care of my body. It has gotten me through a lot, and I am so grateful for it. I will continue to seek out ways to do what’s best for my health and be kinder to myself.

Pay Attention to Your Thoughts so That You Can Begin to Notice It, Name It, Reframe It

When first beginning to go through this process, I have found that it helps to write it all down. And as you become more aware of the things you say to yourself, remember to give yourself grace and compassion. We don’t want to make it worse by judging and berating ourselves for having the thoughts!

Each time you practice Notice it, Name it, Reframe it, you are retraining your brain to know that you won’t allow anyone to talk to you unkindly. Not even you!

Reflection Question:

What are some of the things you have said to yourself that you would be comfortable sharing here? (This can help us to feel less alone!) Would you like to try going through the 3 steps here with something you’ve said?