Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

Patience often seems like a forgotten art. But it’s a timeless quality indispensable for personal growth, emotional well-being and success in various aspects of life. Developing patience is not merely a matter of waiting for something. It’s about mastering self-control, understanding the importance of timing, and learning to savour the journey as much as the destination. As you read through this, think about how patience plays a role in your daily life. How often do you find yourself needing to slow down and take a deep breath?

Why Patience Matters

Patience is often described as the ability to endure waiting or delay without frustration or agitation. It also involves persevering with something despite difficulties, or suffering without complaining. More than just a desirable trait, it is a fundamental component of emotional intelligence and a crucial element in achieving one’s goals and maintaining healthy relationships.

Patience empowers individuals to weather life’s storms and challenges, fostering resilience and fortitude. It enables us to approach problems with a clear mind and a calm heart so we make better decisions and find more effective solutions.

I have a hunch that most of us can think of a time when, by consciously making an effort to be patient, we were rewarded with a better outcome, even if it wasn’t easy to stay patient in the heat of the moment. Practising patience is all about committing to achieving those kinds of outcomes more often.

The Benefits of Patience

Let’s explore some of the benefits that come with developing this vital trait.

Less Overwhelm

Reducing stress and anxiety is one of the most immediate benefits of cultivating patience.

When we are patient, we are less likely to react impulsively to difficult situations. This self-control reduces negative emotions and can positively impact our overall health. Think back to a recent situation where patience helped you stay calm. How did this calm affect your day, or even your health?

Better Relationships

Another significant benefit is improved relationships with other people. Patience is the cornerstone of healthy personal interactions. Whether you’re engaging with family, friends, or colleagues, practising patience allows you to communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts amicably and build trust.

Consider one of the trickier relationships in your life: How might practising patience improve it? Have you ever noticed a difference in your interactions when you approach them with a calm, patient mindset?

Mastering Perseverance

Lastly, success in achieving our goals often requires perseverance and tenacity, both of which are underpinned by patience. Accomplishing major goals takes time and effort, and impatience can make us prematurely abandon them. As Malcolm Gladwell suggests in his book, Outliers, it typically takes around ten thousand hours of practice to achieve mastery in any field. In other words, a lot of hard work sustained by patience.

Strategies for Developing Patience

Now, let’s look at some practical strategies that can help us cultivate our patience.

Mindfulness Meditation

Meditation gives us more control over our minds. And mindfulness teaches us to observe our thoughts and emotions without judgement, allowing us to respond to situations with greater equanimity. In his book, Wherever You Go, There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn explores the benefits of mindfulness in developing patience. If you haven’t tried mindfulness meditation yet, this volume might just give you the nudge you need.

Delayed Gratification

The famous Stanford marshmallow experiment, conducted by Walter Mischel, scientifically proved the benefits of resisting the urge to indulge in any opportunity for immediate pleasure that might come along. In it, children who could resist eating a marshmallow in return for a later, bigger reward, showed higher achievement and better life outcomes as adults.

As adults, we often face situations where waiting for a better result requires patience, whether it’s saving money for a dream vacation or waiting for the right time to have a thoughtful conversation. Remember the wisdom in Lao Tsu’s saying, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Practising Empathy

Finally, practising empathy can also help you become more patient in your interactions. By putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can better appreciate their perspective and be less prone to frustration. Think of times when showing empathy, perhaps with a family member or friend, led to a more peaceful and understanding conversation.

If you’re looking for more ways to develop patience, The Book of Patience: 250 Ways to Become a More Patient You, by Courtney E. Ackerman, is an excellent resource. As is generally the case when it comes to developing a new ability, consulting experts speeds up the process. Just don’t be in such a hurry that you get impatient about being patient!

Conclusion

As we’ve explored, cultivating patience can enhance our emotional well-being, strengthen our relationships, and pave the way towards our goals. It’s a virtue that requires practice and conscious effort, but it brings immeasurable rewards. Developing patience allows us to rise above the challenges and setbacks we encounter in life, ultimately leading us to inner serenity and personal growth.

So, why not take a moment today to reflect on where you can begin to apply these principles? Whether it’s in a personal goal, a relationship, or even in how you treat yourself, small steps towards patience can lead to significant change. Remember, each time you practise patience, you’re not just waiting, you’re growing.

Questions for You:

How would you describe your relationship with patience? Has it changed as you’ve grown older? Reflect on a time when being patient led to a positive outcome in your life. What did you learn from that experience? What strategies do you find most effective in cultivating patience, especially during challenging situations? How have these practices impacted your emotional well-being? I’d love to hear your insights and experiences, so feel free to share them in the comments below!

Every parent hopes their children will have close relationships with one another as they age. It’s comforting to know that as you age, they have each other to count on (and even complain to about you).

They may have:

• Conspired with
• Covered for
• Given advice to
• Even taken advantage of

each other over the years, but whether they’ve stayed close or grown apart, there’s no getting around the fact that relationships between siblings can be among the longest-lasting and most influential they’ll ever experience.

However, as siblings grow older, their relationships can change. As parents, we pray they become closer, sharing their lives and families with each other. But sometimes, things go the other way, and they grow apart as all the distractions of adulthood set in.

The way we relate to people is an evolving process. It continues to change as we age and is influenced by many factors, including life experiences, romantic partners, job choices, life decisions, family dynamics, and individual personalities.

Relationships between siblings aren’t immune to these influences.

This means that even if they were close as children, adult siblings can dislike one another, have painful disagreements, or become estranged. The opposite can be true as well – siblings that weren’t close when younger can become close as adults.

This can leave you as the parent of adult children feeling sad, caught in the middle, and unsure how to help.

So, how does a parent actually parent their adult kids, particularly when they don’t get along?

When They’re Too Old for a Time Out

It’s no secret that as children grow into adults, your role as a parent shifts significantly.

When your kids were little(er), you guided them toward the right decisions and behavior, or provided clear consequences for inappropriate actions. But as adults, you can no longer fix things for them or put them on time out for not listening.

But, while parents are no longer the primary authority figures in their adult children’s lives, they can continue to significantly impact sibling dynamics. This influence can be positive and negative, depending on how parents navigate this new role.

Witnessing conflict or estrangement between your adult children can be heart-wrenching and confusing. The desire to mend these relationships and restore harmony in the family is natural. However, it is important to recognize that adult children are independent individuals with their own lives and perspectives. To respect them you must walk a fine line when it comes to getting involved in their disputes.

Handle things the wrong way, and you can make things worse (sometimes much worse). You risk:

• The appearance of favoritism
• Heightening tension
• Undermining your relationship with them or their relationship with each other
• Being considered meddlesome
• Creating resentment.

Do nothing at all, and it can seem like you:

• Don’t care
• Are aloof or cold
• Unavailable
• Have given up on them

It can feel like a no-win situation. And sometimes it is.

Although there’s no foolproof way to be a parent during the conflict between adult children, there are some dos and don’ts that can help ensure you don’t hinder more than you help.

Dos and Don’t of Parenting Adult Siblings in Conflict

When your adult kids have gone beyond stealing each other’s clothes or the I’m-not-touching-you game, consider these dos and don’ts for managing your role as their parent:

Encourage Communication

Encourage your children to talk openly and honestly about their feelings whenever possible and tell them you will refrain from judging. Let them know you’re there to listen and support them.

Suggest that they talk directly to each other about their issues. If they are open to it, you might offer to help coordinate a conversation, but make sure they lead the discussion. You’re only there to encourage and keep the conversation moving. This can be a difficult boundary to keep, so if you think you can’t do it, don’t offer.

Remain Neutral

No matter what your personal views, do your best to avoid taking sides. This doesn’t mean acting disinterested, but it does mean avoiding any appearance of favoritism or judgment.

The last thing you need is the “Mom thinks I’M right!” argument to be leveraged. So, try to acknowledge each child’s feelings and experiences without making judgments.

Model Good Behavior

By showing effective communication and conflict resolution skills in your own interactions, you set an example for your children.

And if you’re worried that you didn’t do enough of this when they were young, you need to understand that it’s never too late to start. 13 or 30, kids are still watching you and looking at you as a role model.

Bring Them Together

Just because they don’t get along doesn’t mean you should stop bringing the family together. Family events provide opportunities for positive interactions, and shared experiences can help rebuild bonds.

You might even assign them one of their shared childhood duties. Communing over their dislike of shucking corn or washing the windows can help break down barriers.

Respect Boundaries

“Mom, leave it alone,” from your adult child is different than, “Mom, leave me alone!” from your teenage child. You need to recognize and remember that your children are adults, and when they ask you to back off, that’s what you need to do.

Offer Resources

Are things just getting worse, and no one seems to be able to communicate or overcome certain issues? It might be time for professional help.

If conflicts are deeply rooted, family therapy can provide valuable tools for resolving issues.

Take Responsibility If You Played a Role

No parent is perfect. We’ve all made big mistakes, and if you may have played a role in a conflict, acknowledge it and apologize. This can help heal old wounds and set a positive example.

Don’t Take Sides

Favoritism can deepen rifts between siblings. So, do your best to treat each child equally and fairly.

Don’t Compare Your Children to Each Other

Comparisons can fuel resentment and competition.

Don’t Interfere

Avoid getting involved in every disagreement. Your children need to learn to resolve their issues independently.

Don’t Gossip

Your kids need to be able to trust you, so don’t share negative information about one sibling with another. It can create further divisions and mistrust.

Don’t Force Reconciliation

Pushing your children to reconcile before they are ready can backfire. Allow them to take the time they need to work through their issues.

Don’t Try to Control Things

Offering unsolicited advice or trying to control the situation can create further tension. Let them know you see there’s an issue and that you trust them to resolve it. They’ll let you know when they need your help.

Don’t Pretend Everything Is Fine

Ignoring conflicts won’t make them go away and it can make you seem aloof.

Don’t Enable Negative Behaviors

You may be Switzerland, but you can’t be complicit. So, don’t enable behaviors contributing to the conflict, like gossiping or hurtful actions.

Don’t Make Avoidance Acceptable

Avoidance allows problems, distance, and disconnection to grow and tear families apart. So, gently but firmly regularly encourage your children to face and resolve their issues with each other rather than avoiding them.

Parenting doesn’t stop at 18. Or 21. Or 45. You get the picture. But it does change.

One of the hardest things as a parent is seeing your kids grow apart or treat each other poorly. But, while you can provide guidance and support, the decision to mend their relationship ultimately lies with your children.

And don’t forget your own well-being. Dealing with family conflicts can be emotionally taxing. Make sure to prioritize your own emotional health and seek support if needed.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What conflicts have there been between your adult children? Are you trying to find a way to bring your kids back together? What’s worked in your family? Share your stories and experiences and join the conversation.

Are you retired or is retirement within sight? Congratulations! Now you can do all those things you have dreamed of doing in your leisure years – travel, spend time with family, volunteer, play more golf or pickleball, or try something new.

Up to this point, you have probably focused on growing your wealth, within comfortable risk boundaries. As you look forward to retirement, have you thought about how to structure your savings and investments for the next period of your life? Instead of growth, your goal may shift to income generation, or if you have sufficient other sources of income, you may want to reposition your investment portfolio allocation to reduce volatility. There is comfort in stability.

Let’s say that you need to generate income from your portfolio. How do you accomplish regular withdrawals without decimating your portfolio’s allocation? How can you structure your portfolio for a dual purpose – keep it growing and produce income? One option is a bucket strategy.

What Is a Bucket Strategy?

The bucket strategy for retirement investment assets was introduced by financial planner Harold Evansky. Financial assets are separated into three buckets – one bucket for emergencies with the primary goal being safety, one bucket to generate income for living expenses, and one bucket for long-term growth.

The National Council on Aging slightly adjusts the basic Evansky bucket strategy and suggests the following:

• Bucket #1: Cash flow
• Bucket #2: Transfer
• Bucket #3: Longevity

The first bucket is used to fund day-to-day living expenses. The third bucket is invested for long-term growth. The middle bucket is the go-between or transfer place to refill bucket #1 as it is depleted. Let’s take a closer look at each of these three buckets.

Bucket #1 – Cash Flow

The cash flow bucket holds income-producing assets and can be a combination of savings, portfolio investments, and other sources of income. This bucket might include CDs, savings accounts, money market funds, US Treasuries, pensions, annuities and Social Security funds – things that will not decrease or are relatively stable in value and are readily accessible when needed.

If you are comfortable with some fluctuation in value, short-term bond funds or ETFs might be included. Bucket #1 should generate enough funds to cover living expenses for 1-2 years. Then you won’t have to worry if the market or the economy takes a dip.

Bucket #2 – Transfer

The National Council on Aging calls this the transfer bucket, the go-between place. I like to think of it as an intermediate step. Investments that will withstand inflation and provide a moderate return are appropriate. It is important that these funds will be available as needed to replenish Bucket #1, but they are not expected to be needed for 2 to 7 years.

Longer term CDs, and intermediate-term investment grade bond funds and ETFs – Treasury, corporate, or municipal – within this time frame are possibilities. The Council also includes senior and junior notes, preferred stock, high-grade blue-chip (dividend-paying) stocks and perhaps high-quality real estate investment trusts (REITs) in their list of appropriate investments. “These are options that generally produce income and dividends, are considered reasonably conservative, and fairly liquid/marketable.”

Bucket #3 – Longevity

The longevity bucket is comprised of investments meant to keep you from running out of money as the years pass. Assets in this bucket won’t be needed for at least 7 years or longer. Stocks, high-yield bonds, real estate and other higher return assets may be appropriate in this bucket, according to the Council. The longer-term investments can help offset purchasing power problems related to increased longevity.

You may decide that you are comfortable taking more risk with Bucket #3 because you have set aside assets to cover expenses for up to 7 years. On the other hand, you may decide to keep the same risk tolerance and portfolio allocation as your pre-retirement portfolio.

The purpose of the three buckets is to give you comfort that your retirement living expenses will be covered, not only in the immediate future, but for as long as you live. The first step is to have a clear picture of your living expenses, including any special outlays you anticipate. Only then can you allocate assets to each of the three buckets. After your initial allocation, mark your calendar to review expenses annually and reallocate between buckets as needed.

If you want help to refine this strategy for your situation, please seek the help of an investment advisor who is a fiduciary. How do you find an advisor who is a fiduciary? Look for a Registered Investment Advisor (RIA) or a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER® professional. You can search for an advisor in your area who is a CFP® professional at the following website: www.letsmakeaplan.org.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you structure your finances? Have you used the 3 Bucket strategy? If so, was it difficult to set up? How is it working for you?