Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

My husband and I are 11 years apart. The first thing he ever asked me was If I would be open to dating an older man. It was not the first marriage for either of us.

We hit it off right away, and our life began.

Then he started to feel bad. We were only engaged at that point but pushed up the wedding because we knew it was serious. We had no idea how serious, though.

Suddenly, we go from making wedding plans one day to talking about death the next. I guess we decided to do the “In sickness” part first.

We were young, with dreams and plans for the future still unfolding. Instead of a honeymoon, we had a hospital visit instead.

I was committed, though, and in for a challenging ride.

That was nine years ago. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (CHF) while still at a young(ish) age. Our lives were irrevocably changed from the moment of that diagnosis.

Suddenly, our dreams were overshadowed by the reality of hospital visits, medical terminology, and an ever-present uncertainty.

Our entire life just switches paths overnight. How long would he have? How long would we get with him?

The stability we once took for granted was replaced by a new normal that included ambulances in the driveway and a constant undercurrent of fear.

Facing the Reality of a Terminal Illness

For nearly a decade, we’ve lived with the shadow of terminal illness hanging over us. We were lucky to have that many years together. Some don’t get that blessing.

Initially, denial was a comfortable refuge, but reality has a way of insisting on being acknowledged.

I was still too young to retire. I was supposed to be in the prime of my life. Once he could no longer work, the financial burden became a brutal reality.

I juggled a second job to manage the mounting medical bills while the financial burden weighed heavily on my shoulders. It was challenging and a lot of hard work.

The stress and pressure were relentless, but they became companions in our new normal. My tolerance for it has grown.

My reality was facing a life of dreams, hopes, and goals alongside planning for my husband’s shortened life.

Adapting Plans and Expectations When a Spouse Is Ill

Our life plans had to be redrawn, and goals shifted to accommodate our unwelcome companion, CHF.

The reality of medical appointments and treatments replaced dreams of travel and leisure. We also had to change how we did things, like checking the altitude of a place before visiting to make sure everyone could enjoy it.

Yet, amidst this upheaval, we found moments of peace and adaptation. We relied on a lot of Faith. We have a very powerful and loving God.

The hospital became a familiar landscape as the years passed, and the sight of medical equipment in our home lost its initial shock value. The oxygen machine has become like a white noise machine in our house.

Our lives continued, marked by resilience and a determination to find joy during the struggle.

I could not stop living. I could not put my life on hold for myself or our children.

It caused some guilt because while I was busy dreaming of where I would be in 5, 10, or 20 years, my husband wondered if he would be part of those dreams.

Self-Care and Support for the Caretaker

I have not always been good at self-care. I had to learn how, honestly. I inherently am a caretaker – just not always for myself.

The journey has taught me the importance of self-care, though. It was a lesson learned through trial and error.

I try to indulge in massages as often as possible; meditation music is my lifeblood.

The weight of caregiving, working two jobs (and a few businesses), and maintaining our home life was overwhelming.

I learned to carve out moments for myself, brief escapes where I could gather my strength and face the challenges ahead.

Two-hour baths were my normal. It was a getaway I had to allow myself.

The support from friends and family became a lifeline, offering emotional solace and practical help. Especially when reality started knocking harder, and the Hospice program came into our lives.

I had to allow myself to go to dinner with friends and still work towards my goals and dreams.

Creating Lasting Memories

Despite the looming presence of illness, we focused on creating memories, capturing moments of laughter and love amidst the pain.

These memories became beacons of light, reminders of the love that sustained us through the darkest times. From corny jokes to ridiculous face filters that make you look goofy, I had to keep laughing. I had to keep living.

We learned to find beauty in the mundane, cherishing the simple act of being together. Date nights binging on a TV series or even watching nature videos of the history of whales. We just spent time together.

There were sacrifices, I will be honest, but they were worth it.

Navigating Daily Challenges on a Long-term Illness

Living with my husband’s illness for so long, the extraordinary became ordinary. Ambulances, doctor visits, surgeries, and hospital stays were just part of our routine.

Most of the neighbors knew it was probably for my husband if they saw an ambulance at my house.

We were regulars at the hospital, and they knew us by name. They are so genuinely amazing people in the world, and we were lucky to run into a few of them.

With each day that passes, he can do less and less. I have to pick up some things he can no longer do and still set goals for myself. Not to mention take care of the kids and keep the place running.

I often catch myself wanting to avoid talking about goals I have with him because it does not feel fair. The stuff you casually say in conversation, like I want to see the Grand Canyon or the Biltmore.

I had to face the fact that we would not be able to do those sorts of things. I had to grieve for the loss of the opportunity. It helped.

Looking Ahead to an Uncertain Future

Yet, when hospice care began, the reality of our situation hit home anew. It forced us to confront the inevitable and have the hard conversations we had avoided for so long.

In our eyes, we were relatively young. You aren’t supposed to have to think about death till you are like 100 years old or something. Yet we found ourselves discussing obituaries, last wills and testaments, and funeral arrangements.

Yet, these conversations were necessary, helping us to prepare for what was to come, even as they broke our hearts.

It was a stark reminder of the preciousness of time. Thoughts of death and our looming mortality defintely make you feel so many emotions.

It was difficult to discuss hopes and future goals when faced with the imminent loss of my partner. I had to keep doing it. For myself, with my children, and with my husband.

I think still having those conversations gave him hope because who were we to say when God calls him?

Advice for Others: 7 Things I Have Learned

If you find yourself walking a path similar to mine, navigating the uncertain terrain of a spouse’s terminal illness, here’s what I’ve learned:

Embrace the Present

Focus on the now rather than getting lost in the what-ifs of the future. Cherish every moment, even the mundane ones, for they are precious.

Seek Support

Don’t try to shoulder everything alone. Lean on friends, family, and support groups. Accepting help is not a sign of weakness but a necessary step in managing your well-being.

Communicate Openly

Have honest conversations with your spouse, children, and support network. Sharing your fears and hopes can bring comfort and clarity during turbulent times.

Prioritize Self-Care

Find small ways to care for yourself amid the chaos. Whether it’s a long bath, a short walk, or a moment of silence, these brief escapes are vital for your mental and emotional health.

Prepare for the Practical

Educate yourself on medical terminology, treatment options, and financial planning. Being informed can help reduce anxiety and make you feel more in control.

Document the Journey

Keep a journal or create a memory box. These memories will be invaluable in the future, both for you and your family.

Stay Flexible

Be prepared to adjust your plans and expectations. Flexibility can help reduce stress when faced with the unpredictable nature of illness.

To those just beginning this journey, know that you are not alone. It’s a road paved with challenges and moments of profound love and connection.

Allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to hope.

Final Thoughts

Living with a spouse’s terminal illness for nearly a decade has been a journey of profound challenges and unexpected strength.

It has reshaped our lives, dreams, and understanding of love and resilience.

Through it all, we’ve learned to cherish every moment, to support each other, and to face life’s uncertainties with courage.

This journey is not one I would have chosen, but it has taught me about the depth of our strength and the power of love.

You may find this article helpful, DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO A NEW CAREGIVER? HERE ARE 5 SUPPORTIVE THINGS TO SAY.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What is your experience with terminal illness? Have you cared for someone in this type of health situation? How did you take care of yourself? What did you learn in the process that you’d like to share with the community?

I had a dream trip planned for August of 2020, but we all know what happened that year. COVID put an end to everyone’s travel plans.

The Silver Lining

That summer, I had planned to take my oldest granddaughter to Prince Edward Island to celebrate her 12^th birthday. Sometimes a dream deferred brings a silver lining, and that is precisely what happened in this case. Whereas I had originally planned on taking just the one granddaughter, three years later I now had four granddaughters old enough to take the trip. I realized, “I have eight granddaughters. I am not going to take eight trips to Prince Edward Island.”

It made more sense to take them four at a time so in July of 2023, I headed out with the four girls, ages 8, 10, 11, and 15.

The Journey Is As Much Fun as the Destination

In case you are not familiar with the geography of it, it is a LONG way from west Michigan to Prince Edward Island (or “PEI”) off the eastern coast of Canada. Especially when you’re pushing 70. And you’re traveling with four kids. I swapped out some of the driving for the fascination and expediency of train travel by leaving my car in Pittsburgh (after picking up the second set of sisters) and choo-chooing from there to Providence, Rhode Island. I love train travel and the girls did too. For me, it proved the maxim about the journey being as much fun as the destination.

We took in all the beloved Anne of Green Gables sites. The girls heard the story of how their grandma (me) was responsible for having the book Anne of Green Gables translated into Hungarian through a visiting professor I met at my son’s school.

We had an outstanding sunset cruise and lobster dinner with the lobsters hauled on board right before our eyes. (We’ll never eat fresher!)

We also went on a buggy ride, spotted whales and seals, slept in an old school house, and collected sea glass. For two of the girls, it was their first time swimming in an ocean.

Bonding Is Important

As much as I would have enjoyed bonding with just my oldest granddaughter, the bonding that happened between the cousins was a joy to behold. It’s something I expect will yield benefits for years to come.

Did they get silly sometimes, especially the three crammed in the backseat? Yes. Was there some squabbling? That happened too. (God bless Jeanne Birdsall, author of the Penderwick series, whose audio books helped some of the more tedious miles fly by.) But the group experience – the laughs and stories and memories – combined to create a huge win overall.

What About the Life Lessons?

In June of 2023, Agnes Callard wrote an article for The New Yorker entitled, “The Case Against Travel.” To that, I simply respond, “Pooh, pooh!” I don’t have the space to debate her case here, although I would love to, but I observed so many important life lessons learned by my granddaughters as we traveled along. Things like flexibility and responsibility and teamwork, in addition to learning about history, cultural differences, and trying new foods.

But perhaps the most important thing we all learned was to persevere, to not let fear or discouragement or liabilities – real or imagined – keep us from seeing our plans through.

Three days before we left on our trip, I took a peek at the long-range forecast. Rain. I mean all day, every day, wherever we went. Up the whole coast of Maine, across all the Maritime provinces, back down the coast of Maine. I felt sick because I had planned and saved for this trip for so long, and it was a trip that needed to be enjoyed outdoors.

With a heavy heart I googled, “What can you do with kids on a rainy day on PEI?” and the number one thing that popped up was visiting a potato museum. I was so discouraged; I almost didn’t feel like going.

Working Together Is a Blessing

You may have noticed an “injured traveler” in some of the previous pictures. Two days before the trip, my 10-year-old granddaughter fell off her family’s back deck, fracturing both wrists and receiving a mild concussion. With one arm in an inflatable cast and the other in a sling, she still came along. We did everything for her: carried all her luggage, buckled and unbuckled her seatbelt at every stop, dressed and undressed her, and even brushed her teeth.

With us all working together as her support team, she did just fine, and we had a marvelous time.

Oh, and we had zero rain until the very last day!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How many grandchildren have you taken on a trip? What was it like? Have you done a repeat? Where did you go and what life lessons did you learn?

Someday in the future, our female youth may think of us who are over 60 as ‘the women before us.’ We are the women who inspire their future. We are the women who went through the fires of life, held fast and came out more whole and wholesome.

We opened paths that were blocked and busted down stereotypes that were hopeless, becoming more educated, employable and involved in world decisions.

We supported younger women to become a voice against abusive predators and stand up for their rights. We blazoned the ideals of equality and equity across the world. History was made by us, and we should be proud!

International Women’s Day

We need to acknowledge what we have accomplished as we celebrate International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. This annual event commemorates women’s achievements and elevates our quest for equality around the world.

We celebrate national, ethnic, linguistic, cultural, economic and political diversity. We also disabuse ageism. I devoted one of the sections in my book Revivement: Having a Life After Making a Living to celebrating age.

Appreciating Forerunners

Now is also the time to appreciate the women who paved the way for us through the centuries by speaking up, contributing through their work, organizing for change and donating their services, ideas, abilities and so much more.

They brought negligent issues before the world so the collective mind could see the truth and decide to change.

Although the world has been slow to acknowledge their contributions and slower to make changes, women have come to a place in history where there is no turning back. Women are moving forward and we must ensure the survival of our history and blazon a trail for our future.

Time to Salute All Women

Women are responding in greater numbers than ever to the abuse they’ve withstood for centuries. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, “A woman is like a tea bag – you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.”

Let’s salute the thousands of women who have overcome being in hot water and participated in some form in empowering others with values, truth and an equitable world. We need to acknowledge these notable women for their courage and influence.

We’re in This Together

Gloria Steinem, world-renowned feminist, journalist and activist said, “This story of women’s struggle for equality belongs to no single feminist or to any one organization, but to the collective efforts of all who care about human rights.”

Some Things You Can Do

1. Make your voice heard whenever you see inappropriate behavior toward women or bashing of women’s rights.
2. Don’t accept less than your worth in a relationship or job.
3. Model the types of behaviors you want others to demonstrate.
4. Show your intelligence, perseverance and success.
5. Encourage younger women to do the same.

We would love to hear your views about the present, past and future of women as we continue to improve our world and our lives.

Also read, CELEBRATING OUR ROLE MODELS ON INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What are your aspirations for women in the future? What do we need to do to bring equity and equality to women? How will we close the gender gaps more quickly? What else would you like to share? Please join the conversation below.

Danielle Olivera’s Blue Paisley Print Pajamas / Summer House Season 8 Episode 3 Fashion

Though it would be great to have a wake up call from my boy West, I think it’d be even better to be waking up in a comfy and chic PJs. Which Danielle Olivera did in her blue paisley print pajamas. You know me, I love a good pajama set. I think they somehow make going to bed that much better and waking up a little easier. So don’t sleep on your chance to get a set from below!

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Originally posted at: Danielle Olivera’s Blue Paisley Print Pajamas

Paige DeSorbo’s Blue Graphic Sweat Shorts / Summer House Season 8 Episode 3 Fashion

We love a clothing item with a good message! Especially something that is comfy like Paige DeSorbo’s blue graphic sweat shorts from tonight’s Summer House episode. They say that burnout is real take time to heal which is SO true. But I’ll just add that while your healing also take time to shop a new pair of sweat shorts.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Originally posted at: Paige DeSorbo’s Blue Graphic Sweat Shorts