I don’t know about you, but somewhere along my life’s journey, I picked up and carried with me a belief that I needed to be able to rely solely on myself. And somewhere along my path, that message morphed into an even more warped version of itself as if it stood in front of a fun house mirror. This version made me look like I was a failure in the pursuit of being independent if I couldn’t do everything by myself.
Was It the Divorce?
In retrospect, it may have happened when I got divorced. At the time, I couldn’t see the potential of a blooming forest through the trees of doom and gloom and uncertainty. My responsibilities felt daunting.
I had my two kids most of the time and was suddenly faced with the need to jump back into the work force after being a stay-at-home mom for 18 years. Also, I had to ramp up some income real fast as the timer was tic-tocking down to a deadline when support would come to a stop.
I felt I had to prove that I could handle everything on my own, and if I couldn’t, that would mean I had failed and let my kids down as well.
No pressure!
Can We Go It Alone?
There’s a quote from Margaret Wheatly I came across many years later which says, “Everything in the Universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone.”
I wish I had seen this earlier.
Asking for help is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. To ask for help requires vulnerability, and being vulnerable is a sign of strength. So when you do the math, asking for help equals being strong!
Bugs in Your Eyes
Some years ago, I was watching a TV show about two women friends living together to raise a baby. In one of the episodes after the baby had been born, the mom challenged a biker to a game of pool while holding her newborn in a sling, saying that she could do everything by herself and didn’t need any help.
He looked closely at her and said, “You’ve got bugs in your eyes.”
She tilted her head looking confused, and he continued saying, “You see, skeleton riders, we’ve got this saying … You’ve got bugs in your eyes …what it means is this… You can’t always be the lead hog. When we ride, we ride in formation. We trade out the lead, because if you stay in the front of the pack for too long, you get bugs in your eyes … You need to let other people help you. It doesn’t make you any less of a rider …”
It’s Lonely and Exhausting to Be Self-Sufficient All the Time
Brilliant, right?! Not only is it okay to rely on others, it’s imperative – for us as individuals and as a community. Being too self-sufficient can be an exhausting and lonely road, and relationships can become collateral damage.
We definitely need to know that we can rely on ourselves, and it is also important to be able to ask for help when we need it.
This is an example of an and/both situation. Both things can be true.
We all at times feel the weightiness of our thoughts, fears, concerns, to-do’s and responsibilities falling squarely on our shoulders. And if we can allow others to give us a hand, or a shoulder, or a hug, everybody wins.
Helping Others in Return
Doesn’t it make you feel good when you are able to help someone?
Letting the people who care about us give us some help when we need it, is giving them a gift as well. It’s not easy at first. Asking for help is a muscle. The more you exercise and do the reps, the heavy lift of asking gets easier.
I recently had Sky Bergman on my podcast Loving Later Life. In her 3rd act of life, she became a filmmaker and created the documentary film Lives Well Lived, for which she interviewed 40 people aged 75-100. Hearing Bergman’s experiences making the film later in life as well as the participants’ moving stories helps us to realize that we’re here to live our best life and none of us can do it alone. We help ourselves by helping one another.
Let’s Talk About It:
Do you have bugs in your eyes? Do you always try to do everything yourself? Is it hard for you to ask for help? Are you afraid that it will make you look less capable?
