- She used to steal your clothes.
- He always wanted to beat you in arm wrestling.
- She was your best friend – and your biggest rival.
- He was your protector – when you weren’t protecting him.
Who am I talking about?
Your sibling, of course.
Whether or not you feel close, brothers and sisters have a life-long connection. They’re part of you, your history, and they’re family. But that doesn’t always mean you like them.
Sibling conflict isn’t uncommon. In fact, most siblings go through many ups and downs over the years. By the time you’ve reached your 60s you’d hope the waters would have smoothed and your connection strengthened.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
Sibling relationships are often the longest we experience, but they’re not always the easiest.
Sometimes these bonds, forged in the shared chaos of childhood, become strained or even broken as the years go by.
If you’re in your 60s and estranged from your sibling/s, you’re certainly not alone. But why does this happen, and more importantly, what can you do about it?
Love/Hate You – How’d We Get Here?
Estrangement from your sibling(s) can happen for a variety of reasons, most of which are deeply personal and complex.
The most common causes include the following categories:
#1: Family Dynamics and Childhood Rivalries
Let’s face it, childhood can be a battlefield, especially when it comes to sibling relationships.
Rivalries, competition for parental attention, and differing personalities can sow the seeds of discord early on. As adults, these issues can manifest as lingering resentment or a lack of connection, leading to estrangement.
#2: Different Values and Lifestyles
As we grow older, our lives often take different paths.
One sibling might be a world-traveling free spirit, while another could be rooted in a traditional, suburban life. Or, on the darker side, one sibling might make poor choices and struggle with addiction, finances, or other vices, while the other lives a more stable life.
These differences in values, lifestyles, and choices can create physical and emotional distance. If one sibling’s lifestyle is toxic to the other’s family and life, hard decisions can be necessary.
#3: Unresolved Conflict
Sometimes, there’s that one argument that just never got resolved – the one where someone said something they didn’t mean (or did mean but maybe shouldn’t have said). Or maybe it’s something that goes deeper than poorly chosen words.
These unresolved conflicts can fester over the years, creating a rift that seems too wide to bridge.
#4: Parents
Parents almost always mean well, but they can sometimes be a source of division between siblings.
Whether it’s due to perceived favoritism, monetary disputes, or differing opinions on caregiving responsibilities, parental influence can drive a wedge between siblings that’s hard to remove.
#5: Life Events and Partners
Major life events, such as marriages, divorces, deaths, or even the birth of children, can trigger estrangement.
These events can bring underlying issues to the surface or create new conflicts that weren’t there before.
These aren’t the only things that can cause distance between siblings, but they are the most common. Sometimes lack of connection with your sibling/s can be as simple as incompatible personalities.
Bridging the Gap Even After Years of Estrangement
If you’re in your 60s and it’s been years since you last spoke to your sibling, it can seem like the rift between you has become insurmountable. Or maybe the challenges are more recent and stem from problems in your adult lives.
Regardless, it’s never too late (or too early) to work on mending your relationship.
While every situation is different, there are some things that may help bring you back together and have you singing, “We are family,” again. Okay, that’s probably a bit too optimistic, so maybe start with the goal of just getting along and relearning how to like each other.
Reflect on the Past – But Don’t Dwell on the Negatives
Start by reflecting on what caused the estrangement in the first place. Was it a specific event, or did you simply drift apart over time? Understanding the root cause can help you approach the situation with more understanding and empathy.
However, don’t get bogged down in the past, especially the negatives.
If there are happy times and joy to reflect upon, also give those areas some attention. Reflecting on the happiness you shared, funny moments, or just good memories in general will reinforce the drive to repair your relationship.
Reach Out with a Genuinely Open Mind
If it’s been years, reaching out can be daunting. How will you be received? Will they be interested in repairing the relationship? Will they blow you off?
You won’t know until you try. Even if you’ve tried before, this could be the time that’s different.
Your approach is crucial in this case. Approach your brother or sister with an open mind and heart, acknowledging any part you may have played in the estrangement, and saying, “I’m sorry,” can set a crucial reconciliatory tone. Be willing to listen to their side of the story, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Set Realistic Expectations – For Both of You
Reconciliation doesn’t happen overnight. Depending on the reasons and how long it’s been going on, reconnecting and rebuilding the familial bonds may take time.
It’s also possible that your sibling might not be ready to reconcile, so you must be patient and ready to accept their feelings. This may not be a permanent situation – they may just need time to think through how to move forward with you.
If the estrangement involves bad behavior or poor choices, you’ll need to determine how you want to interact with them and where you need to set and hold boundaries.
Look Forward
While it’s essential to address past grievances, the goal of reconciliation is to rebuild a relationship for the future. Focus on creating new, positive memories together, and be intentional not to have the past define your relationship moving forward.
If needed, ease into the process through small actions and events. Meet for coffee, see a movie, or start a regular phone or Zoom call if you’re at a distance. As those things progress, you can move to larger visits and events.
Seek Professional Help If Needed
Sometimes, the wounds are too deep to heal on your own.
In these cases, consider seeking the help of a family counselor. A neutral third party can help facilitate difficult conversations and guide you through the reconciliation process.
Don’t Give Up! Why It’s Important to Try and Fix Relationships with Your Siblings
It’s true that not every relationship can be repaired, but when it comes to family, it’s important to try everything you can.
“Why bother?” you might say. “We’ve made it this far without each other.”
Maybe, but the truth is, there are several reasons it’s worth making an effort to mend the relationship with your brother or sister – especially in your later years.
You Have a History Together
No one else shares your childhood memories like your siblings do. They were there for the family road trips, the awkward teenage years, and the shared experiences that shaped who you are today. Reconnecting with them can provide a sense of continuity and shared identity that’s hard to find elsewhere.
Emotional Support
As we age, our social circles can shrink. Having a sibling to lean on can be invaluable.
They can provide emotional support, companionship, and a sense of belonging that’s especially important later in life.
Family
You may have each created your own individual families. If that’s the case, and there are children, then they deserve to know all they can about their extended family members.
Repairing relationships with siblings can also help preserve the family legacy. Whether it’s passing down family traditions, keeping family stories alive, or simply being there for each other, a strong sibling bond can contribute to a lasting family legacy that benefits future generations.
And the biggest reason?
Avoiding Regrets
One of the biggest reasons to try and reconcile with a sibling is to avoid future regret.
Life is unpredictable, and none of us know how much time we have left. Mending fences now can prevent the pain of regret later, when it might be too late to say the things you wish you’d said.
So, take the time and risk to reach out to your brother or sister. Even if you don’t become as close as you may hope, you’ll feel much better knowing you tried.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you have an estranged sibling? Are you hoping to reconcile with a brother or sister? Or have you successfully reconnected with a sibling after years of being estranged? Please share your story and join the conversation.
