I had several milestone events that occurred during my husband’s bout with Stage IV cancer. I turned 60 the December before he died. Many friends came together and surprised me with a beautiful party, but I missed not having my husband there by my side, as he was not at home but in hospice care.

A New Way of Living

Several months earlier, I retired from my profession as an art teacher, having decided to give all my attention to caring for my husband Chuck.

I remember traveling downtown to “put in my papers,” and after my exit interview when I stood up to leave the retirement office, the gentleman who had been assisting me said, “Congratulations, you are now retired. You should know that this will be the start of a new way of living.”

Our Lives Were Interrupted Unexpectedly

I left, caught a cab and, as the car passed through Ground Zero, on a misty rainy afternoon, I wasn’t sure how I should be feeling. I had been doing a really good job of holding my feelings in for quite some time, but, on this day, I had mixed emotions, which I could feel beginning to seep through the seams.

I wasn’t really able to celebrate, but I wanted to cry and did shed a tear as I headed toward home to my unknown future. I felt sad and slightly excited, but this was all against the backdrop of my husband and his illness which was an ever present shadow looming in the background.

Years later, when I would look back on those occasions that might’ve called for me to be joyful, I felt that everything had been tainted. The reality of the events that were taking place in my life was a joy killer that snatched away any chance of happiness or even the feeling of slightest happiness.

It wasn’t my husband’s fault. We were at the mercy of circumstances that didn’t ask permission to be invited into our lives.

The Joy of Summer Took a Turn

Just a year earlier, in the summer of 2007, I had surprised Chuck with a wonderful party on the rooftop of a brand-new Manhattan restaurant on the occasion of his 60th birthday. It was truly a perfect day. The weather was perfect and some 40 friends joined us for food, drink and the best, best music.

I had organized everything and my son, Karim, stepped up and finalized the arrangements. On the evening of the event, my husband was so shocked by the surprise that he actually gasped as he saw familiar faces greeting him with birthday greetings and love.

Little did we know that this would be the final time most of these folks would see Chuck alive. Just some five months down the road we would have our lives turned upside down by a diagnosis of volcanic proportions. I was glad that at least we had been able to have a great celebration with closest friends and family before the tidal wave engulfed us.

After My Husband Passed Away, I Could Hardly Breathe

I became anxious, nervous and extremely depressed. I didn’t know how to stop my dive into the depths of despair, as I missed my husband and tried to make sense of the loss.

He was really gone, period. I was still here but fading.

Although I didn’t have any widow or widower friends at that time, I’ve since encountered many people who’ve lost a spouse. They too can identify with feelings of emptiness, isolation, numbness and depression. They do not know how they can go on, how they will survive, how they will handle the pain or how they can make the pain go away.

Some men and women, especially women, feel it is a betrayal to let go of the pain, so they hang on for dear life, rejecting suggestions of ways that they can honor their spouse but begin to rebuild their lives.

I didn’t know what to expect as I thought my extraordinary feelings were part of a new normal for me. Eventually, however, I knew I couldn’t go on feeling vulnerable, anxious, and depressed indefinitely. So, I took the following steps to begin to move my life forward:

Moving Life Forward After Losing a Spouse

Here are a few of the things that I found useful as I tried to move forward.

• Individual counseling. This helped immensely, especially in the very beginning after the loss. My wounds were fresh and I felt as though I was about to fall off the face of the earth. I learned coping skills that assisted me with the grieving process including, visualization exercises, meditation, “talking” to my husband and feeling the pain.
• Group counseling
• Connecting with friends and family
• Staying active and exercising
• Seeking medical and alternative medical assistance as needed.
• Silence. Just being alone and quiet became a sacred time for me to spend with my thoughts and to cry. I also meditated and prayed and had conversations with Chuck. I soon learned to keep my eyes on the target that no one else but I could see as I began to reshape my life.

No matter what anybody else thinks, you know yourself best. You can devise a plan to help yourself rebuild your life, and no one has to have input into that plan except you.

My Intention Was to Shake the Pain of Grief and to Begin to Feel Better Again

Regaining my strength and vitality, being able to transform the pain from the loss of my husband into forever memories was my goal. I did not think that that was possible in the beginning, but little by little as I set-aside time for myself, I was able to move my life forward.

Then, one day, I realized that the sun was shining brighter, and I no longer felt his absence when I entered my home. I was embarking on a new journey alone.

It’s been several years now since I began this overwhelming but illuminating journey and so you might ask, “Do you still have feelings of sorrow even now?” The answer is yes, but it’s a far cry from the day-to-day sadness that I experienced for months, years, now so long ago.

I became my number one priority.

For those who have young children to care for or work outside the home, I would suggest that, before you go to sleep, you take a little time to grieve. Purchase some DVDs on meditation and yoga, or go to an actual yoga class. Try journaling your thoughts and writing down your dreams particularly, those that are about your lost spouse.

You may find a message or an answer in the dream that helps you to begin to feel a bit better. These are a few mindfulness practices that can help to ease you through the grief journey.

During this time, your friends and family, out of concern for your well-being, may urge you to grieve quickly. There is no such thing as grieving quickly. Take all the time that you need to heal yourself.

There are many online grief support groups and social media forums that did not exist when I lost my husband several years ago. These support communities will assist in helping one feel less isolated. Remember, be patient with yourself and know that by connecting with others, you will find that you are not alone.

What have you done to rebuild your life after losing your spouse or another loved one? Did you ever think you would ever survive after loss? How is your life more different now since your loss? What has worked for you as you’ve rebuilt your life?

Caroline Stanbury’s Cutout Top

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While Caroline Stanbury might not be wearing the most comfortable outfit to dance in, I would have to say she’s forgiven over here at Big Blonde Hair. Because even of she can’t comfortably bust a move in jeans, I’m about to dance on down to get her cute cutout top in one of the many available colors.

The Realest Housewife,

Big Blonde Hair

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Additional Colors:

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Originally posted at: Caroline Stanbury’s Cutout Top

Chronic or long-term pain is surprisingly common. Research has shown that more North Americans are affected by chronic pain than by diabetes, heart disease and cancer combined.

Some common and painful illnesses, such as arthritis, increase with age. That is why chronic pain also increases with age.

7 Simple Truths to Help You

Below are some simple ideas about chronic pain that can help you understand and work with your injured body. They might help on bad days when you feel particularly beaten down and overwhelmed.

#1: Chronic Pain Is Real, Not Imagined. It Is Never All in Your Head

Chronic pain is a worldwide health problem. It is taken very seriously by the courts, government agencies, insurance companies and medical societies.

Some people in your life may have a hard time understanding why your doctors cannot cure the long-term physical pain you experience. This can be very confusing, even for you. But it is not helpful to doubt what your body is telling you.

#2: You Can’t Get Better Until You Stop Getting Worse

For almost any health problem, there are many things that can make your symptoms or condition worse. Common aggravating factors are poor sleep, over or under activity, prolonged stress or loss and the wrong combination of medications.

The first step is to recognize this pattern. Even by itself, this step can make a big difference. Then try to reduce or contain as many aggravating factors as possible. This will allow your body to settle down and feel better.

#3: Avoid Going to War with Your Pain

When you go to war with pain, pain always wins. Always. The harder you fight, the more anger you feel, the stronger your pain becomes. It is like trying to fight fire with gasoline. You just end up getting burned.

When you fight back, your emotions escalate and become more intense. This triggers stress in your body and brain. Your brain produces more adrenaline and a variety of hormone changes. These all serve to increase your pain levels and aggravate the injured parts of your body.

Working with your injured body is a much better path.

#4: Chronic Pain Flare-Ups

For many people, their long-term pain involves a constant background pain and temporary recurrent escalations of pain, called flare-ups.

Pain can flare-up just like a fire can. Imagine how the intensity of a fire increases when you blow on it. Now imagine pouring gas on the fire. This is what happens during a flare-up, especially a bad one.

Flare-ups can last for a few minutes or a few weeks on end. The best way to decrease a flare-up is by reducing the aggravations that are feeding the fire.

#5: The Chronic Pain Two-Step

Many flare-ups follow a similar two-step pattern – pain causes poor sleep, which then causes more pain. This same pattern can happen, not just with poor sleep, but also with stress, fatigue, and too much pain medication as examples.

To help reduce this kind of escalation, it helps to pay attention to each of the components in the two-step. For example, helping to reduce the pain you feel and the poor sleep it causes, at the same time, can produce better results.

#6: Pain Control Is Not Black or White

Imagine trying to drive your car if you only had two options – full brake or full gas? You wouldn’t get very far. You certainly would have little or no real control over the car.

Pain control works in a similar way. It is not something that is black or white, full on or full off. It is in the gray areas, the details, where real control happens.

Sometimes taking one-half or one-quarter of a pain pill works better than taking a whole pill. Sometimes a 20-minute break works better than pushing until you can’t go any further and then needing a full sleep. It takes a little calmness and composure to think this way, but the results may be worth it.

#7: Chronic Pain Is More Than Just Pain

This simple phrase says a lot.

Chronic pain is long-term physical pain that gathers additional components over time. And for many people, several parts of their body are in pain at the same time.

Other components can include physical limitations, insomnia, fatigue, strained relationships, stresses and losses. Over time, chronic pain can seep into every corner of your life.

Successful comprehensive pain programs know this and try to help people in pain with as many of these components as possible.

These simple truths are explained in more detail in my book and free eBook.

Do any of these patterns apply to you? Do you struggle to make sense of your persistent pain? Are your friends and family also confused at times? I hope some of these simple ideas may help a little.

Crystal Kung Minkoff’s Geometric Confessional Top

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I was never good at geometry, but I still do appreciate fun shapes. Especially when they come on a cute mesh top like Crystal Kung Minkoff’s in her confessional. And though math was and never will be my strong point I do know the answer to this equation:

You + This Geometric Top = Perfection

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Photos: @crystalkungminkoff

Originally posted at: Crystal Kung Minkoff’s Geometric Confessional Top

When I think back 30 years ago into the 1990s, when I began my career as a dating coach, pre-internet, I shudder. The internet has grown with opportunities for online dating for everyone – from a 50-year-old woman to my eldest current client, a 90-year-old man (who by the way plays tennis daily and enjoys a super active and healthful lifestyle).

This did not exist in the 1990s! Back then, as a widowed, divorced or single senior, the chances for the next act of romance and love were slim. Why? You had to rely on your friends and family – and they truly ran out of potential suitors for you.

But not anymore! Which makes me so happy. With over 1400 dating sites and dating apps on the cyber market now, there is no reason to be dateless!

Here are my four dating tips for seniors.

Time to Come Out of Your Comfort Zone

By our age, we have amassed a strong group of friends, family and loved ones. But our personal love life needn’t be done! More and more singles in their 50s to 70s are finding Second Acts with Love and Dating.

But no potential date is going to appear on your doorstep, so you need to be ready with ideas, energy, and a sense of adventure! The right dating site is just waiting for you – many specialize in the 50–75-year-old age group in your area.

Susan, 66, lives in Chicago and has three children in young adulthood. She called me after her 25-year marriage ended. While she was keeping busy working retail part-time for fun and continuing her yoga, neither were great activities for meeting men she was interested in. Her questions were: Am I too old? Will men around my age date me or will they be really old or only want to date younger?

You Make It Happen

Yes, it can be confusing: Where should I begin; Are there dating sites for seniors; How do I navigate all of this alone?

Well, the good news is that you needn’t go it alone. Considering there are over 1400 dating sites/apps in cyberspace, how do you even begin to begin? Well, you will start with the right dating site in your area – many specialize in the 50–75-year-old age group in your city.

My client Susan approached entering the dating markets as she had yoga, 20 years ago. She went to a beginner’s class, decided she liked yoga, and began doing some private one-on-one yoga sessions with her favorite yoga teacher.

She took the same approach with dating – hired a professional dating coach to lessen her learning curve and save her time. Basically, Susan chose to begin dating with full information and a dating coach at her side for initial confidence and to steer her through the murky waters to the right site with the right type of men she was hoping to meet!

Don’t Bother Dusting Off Those Old Pictures of You

No, you won’t need them! What you will need is 6-8 current photos from the past year – active photos! If you are yogi, as my client Susan, we used two photos of her in yoga poses. You have a great garden? Men on dating sites will enjoy seeing your tomatoes, zucchini, etc. – with you, of course, in the photos.

My clients’ photos tend to range from hiking, tennis, pickleball, touring Budapest to celebrating a grandchild’s birthday or a daughter’s college graduation. Your potential dates are getting a snapshot of your life – just make certain you are in all the photos! (Yes, I had a client send me a photo of the Taj Mahal – without her in it!!).

Pick Out Two Cute Dating Outfits… And You Are Ready to Roll!

First dates are super casual and tend to be lunch, coffee, perhaps sharing a glass of wine and appetizers on a Sunday afternoon. Your first date is nothing more than a fun adventure to chat and get to know a new person – not an audition for marriage.

I have found that once my clients have gone on 2-3 first dates the first month, it’s been like getting back on a bicycle. Easy. Exciting. New, fresh conversation. And often disbelief that such nice men are “out” there!

Your confidence will soar – and you will quickly find some dates naturally evolve into 2^nd or 3^rd dates – and before you know it, you are in a relationship!

Remember the old saying: Make new friends, but keep the old… at every phase in life it’s great to have new friends, and I’ve found we are never too old to date.

My latest engagement was in June 2022 with Tara, 67 in NYC to Michael, 69, in Westchester – they are planning a small wedding with friends. Oh, and Tara’s four children were in happy shock. After their mother’s 36-year marriage and subsequently being widowed, she caught them all by surprise.

For me, I see it every week. My friends wonder sometimes how I’ve done this since 1991.Well, I love my clients, love what I do, and still get super excited every time I hear happy voices telling me over the phone about their dates! Oh, what’s going on with Susan in Chicago? She’s taking a hike with Thomas on Sunday – their third date. Fingers crossed!

How successful have you been in online dating? Have you gone on second and third dates with someone? Do you know which dating site is the right one for you?