Staying at home during the pandemic has enabled me to experiment with makeup in new ways. While I may have nowhere to go, I love testing new ideas and pushing the boundary between looks that help me embrace my features and ones that might feel too much like a mask I’m hiding behind. Since I don’t have to leave the house, I’ve been trying out different techniques and throwing out what isn’t working, without anyone ever having the see something I might deem a disaster. On the contrary, this time has also allowed for more makeup-free days, giving way to the opportunity for embracing my features as they are without any makeup at all, a welcome reprieve from the pressures of the outside world.

We’ve all experienced for ourselves or seen others experience an exchange where someone saw says something like “but, your face is so pretty,” usually after making a negative comment about someone’s physical appearance. As a small fat woman, I spent most of my life using makeup to keep my face “pretty” so that no one would notice the size of my body. Rather than embracing my curves and my full face, I embraced bold, winged eyeliner, smokey eye looks, and glossy lips. I held tightly to the idea of bringing out my eyes, one of my favorite features, in order to distract from anyone noticing my plump cheeks or double chin. While I’ve come a long way, there are still lots of techniques and tools that I often think I should use in order to keep my face looking a certain level of “slim.”

Among other things, mainstream makeup tutorials and the overuse of contouring have equipped us with the tools we need to achieve a “snatched” face and/or other often unattainable beauty standards that so many of us try to reach. The idea that using light and shadow, highlight and contour, can give our face an entirely new shape is one that has unfortunately made it easier to see certain features as flaws instead of gifts. Don’t get me wrong—many of these tutorials offer great insight into makeup application and serve as a way for folks to transform into the most authentic version of themselves. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between using makeup as a tool and using makeup as a mask.

Liz Fever.

For many, the walking of that fine line starts with the idea that wearing makeup is good and not wearing makeup is bad. Have you ever walked into a room and had someone ask if you were doing okay? You might feel like a million bucks, but you didn’t have time to put on makeup that morning. Now, ingrained in your mind is the fact that others notice when you don’t wear makeup and because of this seemingly benign comment, you believe that you look better with makeup than without. These feelings are reinforced by beauty standards that we see day in and day out in the media. It becomes seemingly impossible to imagine a life without using makeup to create the illusion of high cheekbones, hide our double chins and look wide awake and glowing at all times. Makeup becomes a disguise instead of an enhancer to the person wearing it, regardless of how the world sees them. In fact, I’d argue that we sometimes forget what contouring and other “slimming” techniques are actually for.

“I do use highlighting and ‘contouring’ techniques, but it’s less about the idea of slimming, and more so for brightening up and highlighting certain parts of our face,” says Payal Patel, a Philadelphia-based makeup artist. “It’s so interesting because if you actually think about it, contouring doesn’t slim anything at all. When you’re contouring, you’re bringing out the areas of your face that you want to ‘brighten’… simply giving more attention to those areas of your face.”

So why aren’t we more interested in highlighting our chins or chubby cheeks? Conventional beauty standards give us the impression that we can’t be flawed in order to be loved or worthy. Many of the times when we notice our perceived flaws, we are looking at photographs of ourselves. Body-positive photographer and body image activist Teri Hofford reiterates the negative impact. “Clients come in with their own body image issues about round faces and what not, so I advise them on our Body – and Face! – Liberation policy: regardless of your shape, size, etc. you are doing this cool experience with it—no matter if we contour the shit out of it—your face is still there, your body is still there, helping you do this really cool and brave thing! I’d rather help you correlate that you can do this cool thing AND you have a round face, stretch marks, a tum, cellulite…”

Source: Instagram

If you’re like me and still under stay-at-home orders, body-positive and fat-positive boudoir photographer Cheyenne Gil says that when you look in the mirror, “it’s really important to constantly enforce the fact that traditional and conventional beauty standards aren’t real and to purposefully go full throttle against those ideals by embracing our double chins, our big round faces…The reality is that letting go of the desire to fit into a certain beauty standard will just leave room—so, so, so much room—for more love, joy, and most importantly: FREEDOM.”

The point here isn’t that makeup is the enemy, but that we should challenge ourselves to use it as an aid for highlighting the features we don’t believe are beautiful. And what better time to do that than now, when the majority of your time is (hopefully) being spent at home? Personally, I’ve embraced this revolutionary point-of-view with a new routine and have already made some amazing discoveries.

Today, I’m far more comfortable with my body than I was a few years ago. While I still love wearing my bold Stila liner, Milk Makeup mascara, and Glossier gloss, my regime has come a long way. Along with the love and acceptance I’ve cultivated for my body, I’ve fallen in love with piling on tarte’s Amazonian clay blush to bring attention to my cheeks, using Anastasia Beverly Hills shadows to add a pop of joy to my eyes, and applying bright Maybelline lip colors as a way to push myself out of a usually beige-colored comfort zone. I have intentionally brought more focus to the parts of my face that I used to be uncomfortable highlighting, and little by little, it’s helped me embrace those pieces of myself.

With the downtime many of us have at the moment, I recommend test-driving a trend you love but have never attempted, like bold orange blush or deep, dark lips. Now may also be an incredible time to embrace your bare face with no makeup at all. In the past, I spent a lot of time hustling from place to place, project to project, wearing makeup and clothing that didn’t push the boundaries or express who I am. Today, my home has become a safe place for experimentation and exploration of my own beauty in a way that it hasn’t been before.

Source: Instagram

Because I’ve been quarantined with my partner during this time, I enjoy solo moments in front of the mirror with no rush and no interruption. Quarantine has allowed me to take my time when it comes to makeup and getting dressed for the day, even if it’s just in sweats and some brow gel. I’ve taken the time to really look at myself in the mirror, say loving affirmations out loud, including “I am beautiful with or without makeup,” and journal about how I’ve changed throughout this time—mind, body, and spirit.

I’ve also had time to compile ideas of techniques, trends, and products I want to try in the future, all of which are outside of my former day-to-day routine. By doing something as simple as rearranging the steps you usually take in your makeup routine, you might find new ways to use it to enhance your beauty, not hide it. Or perhaps you choose to to go makeup-free and consider which features you’ll be most excited to highlight when it’s time to return to wearing makeup more regularly. No matter which you choose, the next time you sit down to glam up, consider showing off those gorgeous cheeks or your chins. You may just discover that highlighting your “flaws” will make you feel more beautiful than ever.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale and the retailer may receive certain auditable data for accounting purposes.

We’re all about a two-for-one here. If we’re making an effort to put on makeup, it would be great if the ingredients would also do something a bit magical for our skin. Tinted moisturizers with vitamin C are a great way to make that happen. Not only do they cover up any imperfections while letting your skin breathe, but they also can help reduce the appearance of dark spots and hyperpigmentation, brightening your face throughout the day. Of course, that’s not all these babies do.

If we’re all about a two-for-one, well, many of these do even more than cover and brighten. With broad-spectrum SPF, they also help protect skin from UVA/UVB rays. (Though, you should probably reapply. Try a powder sunscreen!) Many of these also contain other skin-calming ingredients including black currant and peony-root extract. It’s like foundation and skincare in one. You can’t go wrong.

Shop some of our favorite tinted moisturizers and find the right shade and formula for your unique skin. Because the coverage is sheer-to-medium, you have more flexibility with finding your exact shade match.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale and the retailer may receive certain auditable data for accounting purposes.

Honest.

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Neutrogena.

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Nars.

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Fans love the way this tinted moisturizer evens the skin tone and also helps to reduce the appearance of dark spots caused by hyperpigmentation.

Beautycounter.

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Black currant, peony-root extract and vitamin C enhance brightness while SPF 30 protects skin.

I lost my mother recently. It wasn’t to Covid-19, thank goodness, but it was very sudden. Because of the virus, I was not able to make a planned trip to spend Easter with her this year.

Indeed, and like so many other families who have lost a parent in the last few months, none of her four children were able to see her during the last few months of her life.

What I Notice

When you lose someone you love, memories of them resurface when you least expect it. Some friends here in London sent me some beautiful flowers when they heard of my mother’s death. As I went to change the water one day, I found myself reaching for the sugar bowl.

My mother always told me that if you changed the water on flowers every day – and added a teaspoon of sugar – the flowers would live longer. She was full of practical, everyday wisdom like that.

Then my husband opened our pantry and noticed a jar of instant decaffeinated coffee lurking in one of the back corners. The jar was a holdover from my mother’s last visit some two and a half years ago, the last time she was able to travel alone.

I don’t think either one of us ever actually clocked that jar before. It had blended into the obscure architecture of the back cupboard, along with other, long-neglected items like a bottle of yeast extract and a can of Brunswick Canadian style sardines.

Suddenly, that jar was all we could see. Neither one of us could bring ourselves to throw it out, even though there is no way on God’s earth that either one of us will ever drink instant coffee in this lifetime.

Rituals and Values

Another thing that happens when a parent dies is that you begin to appreciate all the myriad ways you’ve begun adopting their idiosyncratic habits. Ten years ago, I wrote a blog post about five ways I was turning into my mother.

These included things like carrying a large library book with me everywhere I go, lest things get dull, doing extensive back exercises every morning, much to the chagrin of my teenaged children, and re-purposing everything I possibly can to save money, including – yes – tea bags.

That list of shared behaviors has grown. When my mother moved from the last house she owned into a small apartment in an independent living facility, she could only bring one bookshelf.

A voracious reader (see library books, above), she had amassed an impressive collection of novels, history, and plays over the course of a lifetime. But she chose to bring only poetry with her to her new home. I’ve never read poetry in my life. A few months ago, I started reading it too.

I’ve also begun replicating her values. My mother became active in the League of Women Voters when, as a young mother with four children, she moved to a new town where she didn’t know anyone.

That political commitment carried on for the next 50 years. Right up into her mid-80s, she was still making phone calls for her local congressional candidate of choice.

I’ve never been particularly politically active, save attending the odd protest here and there and supporting causes I believe in on social media. This year, I joined a team of virtual volunteers, leading the charge to get out the vote among Americans living overseas.

The Gift of Writing

The greatest gift my mother gave me – and certainly the one with the longest staying power – was teaching me how to write. My mother wrote plays, children’s stories, and a terrific family history I’ve had occasion to re-read in the wake of her death.

When I was in high school, she would sit with me for hours and go over my essays, advising me on structure, wording, and tone. Everything I know about writing I learned from her.

When I took some time off years ago to work on a novel, she sent me a poem about writing, which I posted on my blog.

It was partly a poem about resilience: about falling down and getting back up, which is, of course, what writing is all about. It was also about how much we feel is riding on those words. But it was also about mothers and daughters, and how we connect through the shared struggle of writing… and life.

I end this post with the closing verse of that poem, called The Writer by Richard Wilbur: 

It is always a matter, my darling,

Of life or death, as I had forgotten. I wish

What I wished you before, but harder.

Have you experienced the death of a parent? What have you noticed about your habits since? Is there a difference regarding which parent has passed? Which of your parents’ habits do you cherish the most and embrace as your own? Please share with our community and let’s have a soulful conversation.

It is often suggested that babies should be born with a manual, because it is so hard for new parents to work out how best to look after them. We, mothers, know that we managed somehow or other. But now it begins again, as we are faced with being a grandmother.

So how do we learn to be grandmothers?

Be an Instinctive Grandmother

Of course, some people are ‘naturals’ whether as mothers or grandmothers. It wouldn’t occur to them to look for an advice book or to ask friends – they just know how to do it.

I watch these women in awe, as it certainly isn’t me. I didn’t have a clue when my first baby was born, although I was probably a little better by the time I had a second.

Nor, nearly 40 years later, did I have much immediate sense of how to be a grandmother, much less a good one. It certainly didn’t feel natural to me from the start, as it all felt so long ago.

Learn from Our Grandmothers

In my book, Celebrating Grandmothers, where nearly 30 women talk about how it feels to be a grandmother, many explore this issue.

A few describe their own grandmothers in some detail. Of course, those women of the past varied hugely – not only in their social backgrounds but in their behaviour. Some were memorably strict, while others were distinctly full of fun.

My interviewees shared that their experiences of these women had influenced them as grandmothers. Especially in those cases where they had spent a lot of time with their grandmother or she had a strong personality which impressed certain values or attitudes onto them.

This is not my case. I had little to do with my own grandmothers, as one lived too far away – the breadth of the USA was a serious hindrance in the 1950s – and the other had only limited interest in the role. Neither helped me much when my time came.

Learn from Our Mothers

Of course, your grandmother is not the only potential influence in this arena. Our mothers, too, were grandmothers to our children, as were our mothers-in-law.

Some of the women I interviewed felt that they had learned a lot from them, watching how they had played with their children or had taken an interest in teaching them.

But I, again, did not have much luck in this situation. By the time my children were born, my husband’s mother had died, and my own mother was, again, too far away as I had moved overseas. And, as she was a very dedicated career woman, I am not sure how involved she would have been had she lived nearby.

In any case, I had little in the way of role models.

Turn to the Grandmother Experts

Nowadays, we all learn from ‘experts’ on all sorts of issues and being a grandmother is no exception. There are numerous books on “how to be a good granny” – as well as my favourite, “how to be a bad granny.”

There are also a growing number of websites devoted solely to the joys and challenges of being a grandmother or touching on the topic quite frequently. Including, of course, this one.

Many of us have doubtless learned a great deal from their advice – from how to avoid saying the wrong thing to how to cope with modern equipment. But it did not occur to me to look for such information online or in a book.

For example, when I was writing my book, which is definitely not a ‘how to’ book, one friend asked if it would explain how to fold down a modern pushchair (stroller). Perhaps we have all struggled with that one.

Make It Up as You Go Along

I think that most of us make it up as we go along. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

We probably make some of the same mistakes we made as mothers. But I am sure we make many fewer, because – although it may not seem like it when the first grandchild is born – we have been there before.

Like with a second child, the knowledge is just lurking there, waiting to come out. We cuddle and burp the baby without thinking about it. We encourage the toddler to toddle and, as they grow, we talk to the grandchildren about the wonders of life, from the sublime to the ridiculous. It comes naturally.

Some do not want to take a great part in this adventure, but most of us find it enormous fun – and incredibly rewarding.

As we used to say playing tag, “here we come, ready or not” and you are probably readier than you think.

Where did you learn how to be a grandmother? What help were your own grandmothers or mothers? What would you say to a new grandmother? Please share in the comments below.

Luann de Lesseps’ Pink Velvet Moto Jacket at the Costume Store

Real Housewives of New York Season 12 Episode 12 Fashion

Luann de Lesseps started off last night’s spoOoky new (finally!) episode of RHONY on a very pretty note with the pink velvet moto jacket she wore to the costume store with Leah and Dorinda. Which at time of writing is still up for grabs in size medium and on sale for only $60, however we probably won’t be able to say the same in a few hours once this post gets pushed to the “lower level” of our site.

Fashionably,

Faryn

Click Here to Shop Her Vince Camuto Jacket on Sale

Originally posted at: Luann de Lesseps’ Pink Velvet Moto Jacket