Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

Life’s disappointments, sudden change, loss and grief seem to come in waves. They strike upon a calm beach and a peaceful mind out of nowhere, washing away all that once felt secure.

I’ve been basking in the sun for some time, feeling quite content. I didn’t expect it to last forever, but I was enjoying the stability until a significant change in my work life, the terminal diagnosis of a dear friend and the end of a cherished relationship struck within a week of one another. I felt dislodged like one of those helpless shells tossed about in the surf, disoriented and gasping for breath.

It’s difficult to right myself again, but turning inward, recognizing I have little choice or control allows me to focus on easing the discomfort and finding ways to cope, accept and adapt.

Writing Is My Way to Cope

Writing has always been my way of laying out a difficult situation so I can validate my emotions and seek my strength. This time, as I write, free streaming whatever presented itself, a provocative message surfaced, hinting perhaps that I have entered a new era of accepting life’s twists and turns, including the suspicion that as I age they will come more often and will probably jostle me a little more violently if I try to resist.

The reverberating theme of letting go, a familiar mantra of sorts, circled around several times. But I struggle with that analogy, feeling uncomfortable with the absence of security, as though I’ve come loose from my anchor and been set adrift.

However, I come into a sense of balance in the opposing options when my mind conjured up holding on as the juxtaposition of letting go. I probe deeper and write as the words of internal wisdom and guidance present themselves in a sort of to do list for peace.

Things to Let Go Of

The Need for Control

It’s a fallacy in most cases anyway and only leads to frustration.

Glorifying the Future

It will likely be very much like the present. Uprooting your life to relocate to an exotic island and write the next bestseller is a lovely dream that probably won’t come to fruition. Be open to pleasant surprises but strive to find the hidden treasures of your life as it is each moment.

Your Fierce Sense of Self-Reliance and Independence

Life might get even messier as time goes on and you may need help.

Things to Hold on To

True Relationships

This includes treasured friendships, true love and the joy of encounters with new and interesting people. Stay close, keep in touch, speak honestly and let your heart be open.

A Sense of Wonder

Let nature show you how it deals with change and learn the lessons.

Your Physical Abilities

Keep moving and stay agile to the best of your body’s capacity. Don’t get lazy just because it gets hard, but be kind to yourself as you move through the stages of growing old.

Compassion

Forgive people, accept their frailty and faults. When someone lets you down, try to remember all the times they came through for you, and accept they may be doing their very best this time.

Faith

It is possible that everything will turn out just as it is meant to, that tomorrow will be better and that you can find serenity in an uncertain stage of life. Keep trying.

The Peace Within

Take care of yourself, do what you can to calm the waters of your own mind, and stay grounded in your own perspective.

This may seem self-evident to some, to those farther along the path, well versed in how life unfolds over time and who have become more skilled in navigating the obstacles. But for me, it is a trove of sensibilities that will remain with me a long, long time. Hopefully, serving me well whenever the seas get rough, as I know they will.

I can’t help but wonder if every moment of sadness, every challenge presented, isn’t meant to be gathered up, kept at hand so when we meet the next hardship it feels more familiar and less tragic. If, perhaps, being tossed in the surf might put a more lustrous shine of that shell of the everyday so we notice how precious each one really is.

Time to Reflect:

How do you deal with the hard things in life? Do you know what to let go of and what to hold on to? What considerations are going through your mind as you age?

Their bad blood goes way back.

As a dating coach focused exclusively on women over 50, I have some thoughts to offer on how to determine whether you are settling with the wrong man.

Staying with a Man You Love Because He’d Do Anything for You!

Men who practically trip over themselves to make you happy are great catches if you love them. But if you don’t, you are marking time and making it more and more difficult to leave a man and a relationship that isn’t right for you.

You deserve to feel happily in love with the right man, not the wrong man who wants to make you happy. So, if you’re not feeling it, maybe you need to go back and look at why you were attracted to him in the first place.

Was it his looks, his money, his communication skills or was it just his ability to make you happy? No matter how much he does for you and how good that might feel right now, in the long run, without a strong heart connection, chances are you’ll feel like something is always missing.

Being with a Man Because You Just Have to Have a Man in Your Life

Sometimes when you’re so tired of doing everything on your own and you’re feeling vulnerable and lonely, any man in your life starts feeling better than no man. You just want companionship for dinner, someone to travel with around the world or just a date for a wedding so you don’t have to go alone.

You begin feeling desperate to stop the loneliness cycle and end up attracting a project man who is needy and wants someone who will take care of him. As a nurturing woman, it’s easy to feel a strong attraction to this type of man.

Why? Because there is nothing better than a good project to keep you busy, especially when its a man you can mold into a customized version of what you want.

If you’ve ever gotten involved with a project man, you know the way it usually ends. In the beginning, he loves all that you are doing for him, but over time, he starts to see you as smothering and begins moving away.

When he’s back on his feet, he leaves because he wants someone who – at this point – accepts him for who he is versus someone continually trying to change him.

You end up devastated because you’ve given your all, investing in him both emotionally and financially. And you resent him for taking so much while giving so little back to you and the relationship.

Most of the time, a project man is not worth the financial and emotional expense just to have a man hanging around who’s available for a Saturday night date.

Instead, own that you are a fabulous single woman with a great life. When you do this, you’ll be setting standards for yourself that remind you to keep playing the dating game until the right man comes into your life for the right reasons.

Dating the Wrong Man Until Someone Better Shows Up

When you’re dating a man you’re not absolutely crazy about, what you’re doing is making it hard for the right man to come into your life. All of your time and energy is going into the wrong man and a relationship you don’t love.

If he’s not the right man, be honest with yourself, and with him, and end this fake love relationship. Or better yet, ask if he’d be your friend instead.

It might be fun for the two of you to hang when neither of you is dating anyone special. Then get yourself back into the dating pool. You both deserve to be loved, cherished and adored by your forever person.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you think that you are settling for the wrong man in your 60s? Do you think your partner is your one true love? Please share why you think you are currently with the right (wrong) man. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

One person you chose, and another was chosen for you. What could go wrong?

You’re over 60, and the world wants to see you as a cookie-baking, treat-bringing, butterscotch-toting matron who loves all children but none as much as your own grandchildren.

The problem is that not only are you disinterested in whether you have grandchildren, but you’re not that fond of children in general. And instead of toting butterscotch, you carry a passport, yoga mat, or title of business owner. Or maybe all three and then some.

Feeling disinterested in children or apathetic about the idea of grandchildren might have you wondering, at least occasionally, “What’s wrong with me?”

The answer? Absolutely nothing.

If you don’t want to be a grandmother or never wanted to be a mother in the first place, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Really.

Not feeling maternal, not enjoying the company of children, and not having a desire to jump on the grandma train are quiet realities for more women than you realize. Just because there’s not a Hallmark card for it or a “Not a Nana Day” on the calendar doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t valid.

Knowing that, however, doesn’t mean you don’t occasionally wonder why your feelings are so different from those of other women you know, and that’s valid too.

Not Every Little Girl Plays with Baby Dolls

There’s an unspoken expectation that little girls will enjoy playing house, nurturing baby dolls, and pretending they’re mommies.

But what if that instinct never manifests?

Some women simply never felt a connection to that maternal role. They didn’t feel it as girls, young women, or in midlife, and they don’t feel it now either.

Instead of wanting to make lunches, volunteer for PTA, and attend endless sports practices and games, they were interested in business, nonprofits, traveling, art, animals, or other adventures.

Or, perhaps they were simply satisfied with living a peaceful, adult-oriented life surrounded by grown-up friends and colleagues.

Sound familiar? You’re in good company if you can identify with the above and have never heard the loud tick-tock of your biological clock.

Yes, the desire to procreate is an evolutionary predisposition for many, and it’s necessary for our species to survive. But maternal instinct isn’t a biological law etched into all female DNA.

It’s not necessary for all women to want the same thing, and recognizing and honoring an aversion to wanting children or grandchildren is arguably one of the most selfless things you can do.

Children are a big responsibility. In the same way that someone who hates blood shouldn’t become a surgeon, someone whose heart isn’t in parenting making the choice not to become one is a valid and responsible choice.

There are many ways to live a meaningful and fulfilling life without wanting to be surrounded by children.

Finding Happiness Outside the Family Tree

Women who don’t define themselves by motherhood or grandmotherhood often find joy and purpose elsewhere. And finding that joy and feeling purposeful matters. A lot.

Women who have

• Traveled the world and immersed themselves in other cultures;
• Spent decades mastering a career or craft;
• Poured energy into meaningful relationships;
• Served their community, been a mentor, or fought for causes;
• Found solitude and self-reflection nourishing and satisfying;
• Lived spontaneously, untethered by generational responsibilities

have all made a difference in the lives of others and the world in general.

Diversity in efforts is crucial for the evolution and advancement of society. If every person decided to become a carpenter, we wouldn’t get very far. So, if your happiness is found and contributions are made in ways not associated with children, you’re doing just fine.

Quieting the “What’s Wrong With Me?” Voice

Yes, yes, logically that might all make sense, but it’s common for many women to feel internally plagued by the question, “What’s wrong with me – why don’t I feel like other women?”

This voice can become especially loud in your 60s and up when many of your peers enthusiastically embrace grandparenthood and explain how being a grandparent is even better than being a parent.

Let’s be very clear about this again – there is NOTHING wrong with you.

Unfortunately, many women who don’t feel this draw to parenting/grandparenting psychologically internalize messages that something is missing from their character. They may struggle with guilt and shame or feel utterly disenfranchised by their peers.

A woman who’s disinterested in children may feel like her emotional make-up is defective. What’s defective, however, is the societal expectation that we should all want the same thing.

Being different and wanting different things doesn’t make you “less than” anyone else. It simply means you have your own compass and followed it, even when it didn’t point in the same direction as everyone else’s. That takes strength and authenticity – and should be admired and appreciated, even if it’s not.

Rewriting the Narrative

When they reach a certain age, typically midlife or later, many women begin to do a deep inventory of their lives. Among the questions often asked are,

• “Have I done everything I wanted to?”
• “Did I fulfill my dreams?”
• “Have I lived well?”
• “Have I missed something?”
• “What kind of legacy will I leave?”

These are all worthy and important questions, but the answers don’t need to hinge solely on grandkids.

If you’ve ever felt like you need to explain or make excuses for your disinterest in these traditional roles (even to yourself) – stop. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for what brings you joy and what doesn’t.

Not wanting grandkids or enjoying children in general doesn’t make you cold, heartless, or a curmudgeon. It simply makes you someone with a different yardstick for fulfillment and happiness.

In fact, this can be the perfect time to explain your own, personal narrative.

In a conversation that warrants it, you can say something like,

• “I’ve always found my greatest joy in ___, and that hasn’t changed.”
• “Kids were never my thing, but mentoring adults? That lights me up.”
• “I love seeing families who are close, but I’m closer to my friends and the tribe I’ve created.”
• “I see how happy your grandkids make you. That’s how I feel about my ______”
• “I’ve dedicated my life to ____ and have experienced so much happiness because of it.”

You’re Not Alone – Even If It Feels That Way  

It may feel at times like you’re the only one who doesn’t have and/or doesn’t want grandchildren. You’re not. Many women over 60 share this feeling but don’t openly talk about it.

In a world that has particular and often strong feelings about what it means to be a woman, it can be difficult to say, “That’s not who I am and I’m good with it. No, I’m more than good – I’m happy about it.”

Being a woman over 60 who doesn’t like kids or want to be a grandmother isn’t a character flaw.

You’re not broken. You’re not lacking. You’re not alone.

You’re just you, and that’s enough.

You’re just you – and that’s exactly all you’re supposed to be.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you struggling or uncomfortable because you don’t want or care about being a grandmother? If you’re not a grandmother and are content with it, please share your story and join the conversation.