Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

The first time I held a musical instrument changed me. The tiny 12-bass accordion came down from the attic, unplayed since my mom was a child. A teacher named Mrs. Daniels suffered through my scales as I learned how to play and read the notes.

Then came Aunt Mary’s used spinet when she upgraded to an organ. Besides practicing 30 minutes every day, my sister and I were responsible for keeping the dark wood dust-free – no easy task on a busy hog farm.

Next came an instrument just for me: a well-played flute in a battered case, purchased second hand from a graduating flutist. We took it to our small-town music store for a tune-up, giving it a cleaner sound than any of the shiny new student flutes.

A Lifelong Skill

I had a chance to reminisce when a best friend invited me to her seventh-grade granddaughter’s orchestra concert. The talented young musician sits first chair violin and certainly had the most enthusiastic cheerleading section in the gymnasium. I realized how big a part music has played in my life and how teaching music to our children is an investment that, if they choose, becomes a gift for the rest of their lives.

Upon reaching high school and earning first chair, Mom and Dad said I could have a brand new flute. Instead, I chose to have my trusty friend replated with silver. We even tucked her in a new case before a special spring concert.

I had the flute spot in quartet; the tune was Chicago’s “Color My World.” Mom spent every minute before hand-stitching a sky-blue velvet dress. It had long sleeves, a good thing because it was mighty cold that year – so cold the hog water tanks froze the night of my concert. Dad wouldn’t be there for my moment in the spotlight.

Just before the quartet took the stage, I saw my mom stand up in the bleachers and wave. I followed her eyes to the door where Dad was coming in, all cleaned up in a suit and tie. I never felt so loved.

Never Too Late to Begin Again

Fast forward 50 years. I found the old flute in a trunk during a move. It made an awful sound. The pads were rotten and the silver plate worn. While it was in the shop for repairs, I learned of a flute choir that practiced and performed in a local church.

I didn’t remember any of my fingerings that first rehearsal. But the other flutists encouraged me, and my playing was passable by the Christmas concert. I noticed my husband sitting in the back of the church and waved. When I looked a couple numbers later, he was gone. He didn’t come back. I never felt so unloved. He’s my ex now.

Keep the Music Playing

The pandemic paused most live music. It’s tricky playing a flute wearing a mask. When the new leader of a local community band announced practices in the park, I was all in. Now, as a member of the Manatee Community Concert Band, we play a full concert schedule in Bradenton’s Neel Performing Arts Center. Members range in age from students to a kid in his 90s who sits with the trumpeteers.

It’s a thrill: walking out onto the shiny wooden stage in front of a packed house and waving to my own cheerleading section. Our backdrop is a towering 3,000-pipe organ. But that’s another story.

Also read, 4 Ways Music Feeds Our Spirit in Tough Times.

A Perpetual Gift

The gift of music has enriched my life more than any other gift. Some kids pick it up, but most won’t. I play music; my sister plays golf. We were both offered the same opportunities and are happy with our choices.

I am grateful I can read and play music and for that old flute in the battered case I was embarrassed to carry. I’m grateful to my mom for setting the 30-minute kitchen timer, for the blue velvet dress and for leaving me a little something when she departed so I could go buy my first new flute – a gift to myself for my 65th birthday, also the day of Mom’s Celebration of Life.

Thanks Mom and Dad for the gift of music. I’ll be grateful to my last toot.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What one gift from your childhood has been the most valuable to you? Has music played part in your life? In what ways?

Losing someone we love can be devastating. Our whole world seems to come to a standstill, while everything else keeps on moving. It can happen in an instant or may take years. It can be planned, unexpected, tragic, painful, or even a blessing, if someone we love is suffering. One thing for sure is that the death of a loved one happens to all of us at some point. How do you begin to pick up the pieces when you are going through one of the worst things that can happen to you? 

No One Size Fits All

If you read through some bereavement books, you may see that there is a process to grief. Whilst there are stages that many of us go through, each death is different. How can you compare the grief of losing your 90-year-old grandma in her sleep, to the tragic death of a child?

In truth, there is no exact way of grieving and any way you grieve is the right way. However, after working as a psychotherapist for 20 years, and also dealing with incredibly painful deaths on a personal level, I hope my experiences are able to help in some small way.

Take Your Time

There is no time limit to grief. Somehow, someway, you learn strategies to ease the pain and agony. You know that crying all day saps your energy, makes your head throb, burns your throat, stings your eyes, hurts your soul. Gradually, you learn to cry less.

If you need to sleep, just rest. Everything else can wait. Fill your body with as much nourishment as you can, accept help from others, be gentle on yourself. You are grieving… it is painful. It may take time but, little by little things will make you smile again, even when you think you will never be able to. Birds singing, the sun shining, kindness from a friend or stranger. Do not feel guilt; it is the way things should be. It is the nature of life that all living things must die.

Talk

Talk as often as you can. Speak to friends, family, a counsellor. Talk to the person who has died. My father died over 40 years ago, but I still talk to him. Personally, I feel that talking to the person I have lost helps me miss them just a little less. It is as though they are by my side, offering comfort.

As a society, we often shy away from talking about death, though it is the one thing we all know is certain. Talk to your loved ones, let them know your wishes and find out theirs. 

Never feel you are on your own, there will always be someone professional to speak to. There are charities such as Cruse Bereavement and The Samaritans who offer telephone support. Your doctor will also be able to talk to you or provide professional support.

Make Things a Little Easier

I know as I get older, I often think about how my family will be after I have died. I have put together a file which includes important paperwork, together with my wishes for a simple funeral. It will save them trying to second guess.

Personally, I have no fear of dying. I do not see death as the ultimate finish line, just another journey or adventure. It has helped to make losing those I love a little easier, picturing them enjoying themselves wherever they are. As though they are just in the next room. If I am right, we will all meet again, and if I am not, there is no-one to tell me I was wrong, but it has given me comfort.

Finally

For anyone reading this who is going through grief, I send you my love and a huge hug. I know it is not easy. In time to come, you will feel a little better, you will learn to live again, you will smile and, who knows, maybe one day find yourself laughing.

As I wrote above, take your time, but if you find the strength, perhaps you could use your experience to help others. Grief is something we are all likely to experience in our lives, so there is always a need for kind compassionate people to provide support and comfort. You know how important a kindly word, or even a smile, can be.

Questions to Reflect on:

How do you deal with grief? Have you made a file for your family? Have you used your own experience to help others?

My mother had a birthday ritual for my three sisters and me as we were growing up. On our birthday morning, we would wake up to a corsage on our desk and a birthday card. A new outfit, carefully chosen, would be waiting for us in preparation to face the day. Our favorite lunch items were packed, and we got to choose what we ate for dinner. Cake and candles, presents and songs – it was a full production.

The Birthday Magic

I remember feeling so special on my birthdays; as if the day existed just for me. That bubble of excitement, that warm cocoon of care, surrounded me completely. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I realized – outside of that house, in the real world – my birthday was just another day. That bubble had popped.

No corsage, no curated moments, just me, facing the world, tackling work, my daughter’s schedule, my dating or friendship woes. Sure, I still chose something special or new to wear on that day, and when Facebook finally got into full swing (when I was about 40-ish), all those happy birthday messages actually did mean something. It felt like a tiny resurgence of that birthday magic.

As the Years Went By, Things Shifted

It wasn’t about me anymore. It was about my daughter. Her birthdays. Her excitement. A simple dinner out with friends or a birthday tea replaced lavish all-night celebrations. Over the years, my mother still meticulously picked out a birthday card for me. Inside, usually a crisp $100 bill. Her handwriting was neat and purposeful, the color of the envelope almost more important than the card – pink, yellow, blue, lavender. There were years when we always made time to celebrate together, and then, slowly, that faded too.

At some point, she started mailing the card with a check instead, but she always held out hope for an in-person visit – the ones that became further and further apart, for reasons too complicated and personal to explain here.

I don’t remember the exact year it changed. The moment I noticed things were… different.

This year, the envelope was pink. The word “MoM” was crossed out, and my name was written above it. Inside was a $50 check.

And now, I’m left with a decision – do I cash the check, or do I let it sit in a drawer for eternity?

Three Lessons I Didn’t See Coming

The Rituals That Shape Us Don’t Last Forever, But Their Imprint Does

The corsage, the new outfit, the thoughtfulness – those things aren’t my reality anymore. But they’re ingrained in me. And, in my way, I’ve passed that feeling along to my daughter. The rituals may change, but the intent behind them stays.

Time Changes Everything, Even the Things We Swore It Wouldn’t

I’m sure, in my mother’s mind, there was a reason. Maybe she was testing the waters, seeing if I’d notice. Maybe she simply forgot. Most likely, taking care of her 96-year-old husband who become homebound in the last few months, she just didn’t have the time or energy to get it together for my card.

Either way, the unspoken message was clear: things are different now.

Love Is Often Measured in Small, Unspoken Ways

It’s easy to get caught up in the loss – the faded traditions, the dwindling celebrations. But that pink envelope? That crossed-out name? It was still a card. Still a check. Still my mother, in her own way, marking the day. Maybe not in the way I wished, but in the way she could.

It’s Not About the Money

I could make this about my card being an afterthought. The money. The amount. The meaning behind the change: is she hurting for money or does she care about me less? But what I really need to ask myself is: what do I want my birthdays to feel like now? What’s the version of a corsage-and-card that makes sense to me? And, what does feeling seen look like now?

Maybe it’s not about corsages or cards anymore. Maybe it’s a text that makes me laugh. A quiet moment to myself. A dinner I didn’t have to cook. Or even just someone remembering without a social media reminder.

I don’t need a party at my age. I need connection. Intention. Maybe just a sign that someone still sees the little girl who once woke up to a corsage – and knows she’s still in there.

And maybe, on some level, that pink envelope with the name crossed out, was just what I needed.

What’s Next?

Celebrate when you can. Set rituals for you and your loved ones. And when the time is right, disregard and come up with new ways to celebrate, remember, and love.

Also read, 6 Creative Birthday Gifts for Women Over 60 That Won’t Clutter Up the House.

Let’s Talk:

Did you have a birthday ritual growing up? What was it? How did it shift as the years progressed? What birthday ritual did you create with your children/grandchildren?

I was walking by a storefront and noticed my reflection. My shoulders were rounded, and I wasn’t standing tall. When I think of good posture, I think of my second cousin, Nicole. She was a ballerina in The Phantom of the Opera and still practices ballet. When she stands, it’s as if there’s a string that runs from the top of her head to the sky. She’s the epitome of good posture.

As we age, we sometimes forget about the importance of good posture and its impact on our overall health and well-being. And, with the advent of technology, we’re doing a lot more curving and forward neck craning than generations before us.

Why It Matters

Good posture refers to how our body is positioned and aligned when we’re standing, sitting or lying down. When we have good posture, we are in alignment and our muscles, ligaments, joints and nerves are working efficiently and as intended. An upright stature also makes our movements more fluid and our body less prone to injury.

After middle age, it is particularly important to maintain good posture to combat the loss of bone mass and reduced muscle tissue that typically comes with age. Proper posture also minimizes strain on our backs and necks by keeping our bones and muscles in their natural positions. And, truth be told, we just don’t want to shrink as we get older and get the dreaded Dowager’s Hump.

There are plenty of steps we can take to maintain good posture, keep our spine healthy, and stay aligned. Here are seven wonderful ways to improve our posture.

Take the Wall Test and Envision String

We’ve all seen the stooped elderly woman, the man with his neck craned forward, or even the teenager with her body literally drooping over her smartphone. Not good. When standing, stand straight and tall with your shoulders back and shoulder blades pulled down. Your head should be level and in line with your body, pulling in your tummy. Your feet should be roughly shoulder-width apart, with weight equally distributed on both feet.

To test your posture, take the wall test. Place your head, shoulder blades, back and butt against the wall. Have your heels about four to six inches away from the wall. Put your hand between the curve of your back and the wall, making sure you can only fit one hand’s thickness in that gap. This test will help you assess your posture and identify where you need to make improvements.

Once you’ve made adjustments, envision a string that runs from your thighs, through your trunk, up through your neck and head, and continuing on to the ceiling or sky. Pretend the string is pulling you up, creating an aligned stature as you stand and walk during the day.

Use a Yoga Bolster

We spend so much time with our bodies forward, our neck down and our arms in front. Over time, this is what creates rounded shoulders and a neck-forward posture. It is important to open up the front of our body to counterbalance the times it’s more closed.

A yoga bolster offers a therapeutic way to counteract bad posture and open up our chest, ribs and core. It is a soft, yet supportive, round cotton cylinder that you lie on. It can be used for many restorative poses, but my favorite is to use it as a chest opener. I typically relax on it with my arms straight out the sides or bent at 90-degree angles. This short video by Mai Trainer shows how to use it.

When lying on the bolster, you will feel your chest, armpits, and abdomen loosen, alleviating the tightness that may have been pulling you forward. It also provides a relaxing moment to meditate or just unwind.

Roll on a Foam Roller

The foam roller is a fixture in our family room, sometimes getting more attention than our sofa. Some days it seems I’ll roll darn near every body part or I’ll camp on it along my spine to relax.

The foam roller puts targeted pressure on your fascia, releasing trigger points where you’re feeling tightness or soreness, increasing circulation, and enabling fascia movement. The fascia is the fibrous layer of connective tissue that surrounds all of our muscles, kind of like plastic wrap over meat. Without proper movement, fascia fibers become rigid and bind to our muscles and nerves, causing discomfort. Maybe you’ve heard of the term myofascial release? That’s essentially what the foam roller does, just without the physical therapist or masseuse.

There is a variety of foam rollers on the market, with the variables being texture, size, density, color and brand. I’ve experimented with a bunch and now have a graveyard of rollers. My favorite is the JFit High Density EVA Roller because it has a smoother texture and is not too hard, not too soft. The 36-inch length is optimal because it gives you plenty of room to roll and, when aligned with your spine, is plenty long to do the trick.

There are a kazillion websites, books and videos that show how to roll, some better than others. If you’re a visual learner, the YouTube video by Debra Atkinson is one of the better ones. If you prefer a book, The Melt Method by Sue Hitzmann provides comprehensive information, including detailed instruction, breathing techniques, and visual guides.

When you roll, particularly on your upper back, it loosens things up and makes you stand a bit taller.

Sit Correctly and Adjust Your Desk

It is essential to have good sitting posture, particularly when you’re working on your computer or tablet. When seated, adjust the height of your chair so that your feet rest flat on the floor, with your thighs parallel to the floor. Stretch the top of your head toward the ceiling and tuck your chin in slightly. Keep your upper back and neck comfortably straight, with your shoulders more relaxed, but not rounded.

Next, evaluate the ergonomics of your desk area. When working on your computer or tablet, your arms should be at 90-degree angles. If you find your shoulders hunching up, it means your chair is too low relative to the height of the desk or table.

It is also essential to have your screen at eye-level to prevent your neck from leaning down to gaze. Laptops are notorious for causing this problem. Although the arms may be at the right level, the computer screen is too low, causing the neck and shoulders to round down. This position places the neck in an unnatural position and creates the bad forward-neck posture.

Buy an Upright Go

If you’re serious about improving your posture, another clever gadget is an Upright Go. The Upright Go is the modern-day version of having your grandmother say “sit up straight.”

This small, lightweight device can either be stuck to your back or worn as a necklace. The device trains you to maintain an optimal posture by tracking your posture during the day. The device is synced via Bluetooth with the Upright Go app on your phone (iOS and Android) and tracks your posture.

The device will gently vibrate to alert you whenever you’re slouching. When I tried this device, I was nervous that the vibration would be too intense, and I might feel a bit like Pavlov’s dog. But the vibration is mild and can be adjusted in the app. The sensitivity can also be altered so that it doesn’t vibrate when you’re just momentarily adjusting your posture or moving.

There are different options to choose from based on your level of activity. Your posture activity is automatically stored for seven days. When you reconnect to the app, all of your data loads to the dashboard on the app. It’s easy to learn and reminds us to keep an upright posture.

Do Posture-Correcting Exercises

There are two aspects of our posture that we need to address with exercises: overall posture and neck alignment.

One of the best ways to improve our posture is by strengthening our back and opening up our chest. This can be accomplished with three key daily exercises: one that stretches the pectoral muscles, one that strengthens our upper back, and one that pulls it all together with motion and mindfulness.

This video by GuerrillaZen Fitness demonstrates these three exercises. For the second exercise, you will need a resistance band with grip handles and something solid to attach it to, like a post or tree. Pick the band with the resistance color that matches your strength.

The second set of exercises addresses the forward-head posture problem, or text neck, as they call it. This posture no-no develops because our deep cervical flexors (in the front) become weak and our muscles in the back become tight, pulling the neck forward. Activities like texting, looking at our phones, improper desk configurations, and forward-centric activities are typically to blame.

This video by Jeremy Ethier shows us how to strengthen the muscles that are weak and stretch the muscles that are tight. He also provides helpful tips to correct the forward head posture. The only prop you will need is a tennis ball.

Look Up, Reach Up

We spend a lot of time looking down, even when we’re active. When we’re checking our smartphones, we’re looking down. Even when we’re walking, we’re gazing downward to avoid uneven terrain or obstacles. That’s normal and, in many cases, unavoidable. But, all that looking down is rounding our shoulders, moving our heads forward, and messing with our posture.

Also read, Walking Well: Check Your Posture to Feel More Confident Walking (VIDEO).

To provide balance, we need to look for opportunities to look up and stretch upward. Many yoga poses, like sun salutations and cobra, are awesome. Stretches that require upward gazes and moving our arms above our head are very helpful. Being more mindful about looking up now and then is also a good habit to form. Looking at clouds, a high skyscraper, birds, the passing airplane, trees – anything above our heads.

When using your smartphone, the advice of very busy orthopedic doctors is to hold your device up to eye level. This will minimize the bend in your neck and maintain optimal spine posture. There are also handy clip holders that provide adjustable viewing brackets that attach to tables, desks and bedside tables.

Stand Tall

If we take steps now to stand tall and keep our posture healthy, that’s a good thing and sets us up for fewer problems in the years ahead. So, here’s to good posture, standing tall, staying aligned, and reaching for the sky!

As with all exercises and stretches, please take it slow and seek medical guidance to prevent injury.

Please Join the Conversation:

How would you describe your posture? Is it good enough or does it need to be improved? How do you keep your posture straight?

That’s one of the most common questions I hear when women look at their monthly bills. Not “how much can I afford,” but, “Is what I’m doing okay?” If that’s you – you’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong.

Let’s talk about what’s “right” – for you.

Understand What “Bills” Means in This Season of Life

For many women over 60, monthly expenses aren’t just rent, electricity, and the phone bill. They might include:

• A grandchild’s daycare.
• Helping an adult child through a rough patch.
• Supporting a family member’s health care.
• Pet care (because let’s be honest – that dog is your emotional support system).

Tip: Don’t categorize your spending by “want” or “need” or even “necessary” vs “unnecessary”. Instead, try grouping your spending by the purpose that it serves TO YOU.

Once you’ve broken down your spending by purpose, get an idea for roughly how much you are devoting to spending, saving, and investing each month. If you like you can focus on percentages.

Evaluate the Framework as It Sits Right Now

What are your thoughts about how you’re distributing money to your spending, saving, and investing? Does it feel too restrictive? Does it feel like you’re not contributing to your savings at a pace that helps you feel safe? Does how you’ve set up your money right now align with your values?

If the answers to the above questions are “No”, “Yes”, “Yes”, you might consider that your system is working just fine!

If you answered “Yes” to feeling restricted, consider meeting yourself halfway between what you think you should be spending, and what you are actually spending.

Tip: Try tracking your spending WITHOUT changing your spending behavior if you need to get a good idea of what you are actually spending.

If you answered “No” to not contributing to savings at a pace that makes you feel secure AND/OR you don’t feel like you’re spending in line with your values, consider moving just 5% of your spending over to savings. This is also a good time to evaluate your spending. The easiest way to start that is to ask yourself the question “What is the purpose of this spending?” AS you are spending money.

We’re not at all concerned if you feel like you do or do not deserve whatever you’re spending on (because of course you deserve it!). We are focusing on evaluating the spending itself. In other words:

Don’t evaluate yourself. Evaluate your spending.

Guilt Is Not a Budgeting Tool

If you’re still paying a grown child’s car insurance or funding family dinners out of guilt, it’s time to pause. Generational patterns – especially those around being “the helper” or “the one who always gives” – can quietly drain your bank account and your energy.

You’re allowed to re-evaluate your financial relationship with family. Knowing when and how to stop giving or loaning money to your grown children isn’t easy, but it is possible!

If Your Bills Don’t Fit Your Income, You’re Not a Failure

When I’m working with my clients on their very own custom-built budget, very often the first few go-rounds there will be a noticeable mismatch between what they expect to spend and what they expect to have coming in.

Noticing what you’re spending (without punishment or shame) is the first step to bringing those two numbers closer together. Sometimes just awareness of spending is all it takes!

If a few months of just being aware of spending isn’t moving income and expenses together, it’s time to start strategizing. This isn’t restriction we’re talking about; it’s (again) focusing on what that spending is providing to you, and beginning to make “this-or-that” choices.

Next time you go to the store, pick up two things at random out of your cart and ask yourself, if you had to make a choice between the two, which would you choose? Play this game a few times and you will likely notice your brain will naturally begin to evaluate your choices.

In Conclusion: You Get to Define “Right”

The truth is, there’s no right amount to spend on bills – but there is a version of “right” that fits your life, your values, and your current reality. Your life is complex, messy, beautiful, and totally unlike anyone else’s. Trying to comply with some arbitrary percentage-based rule is not likely to work.

The point isn’t to force your money into someone else’s mold – it’s to understand what your money is doing for you, and whether that still feels like it’s of service to you. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to prioritize peace. And you’re allowed to build a system that supports the version of life you want now – not the one someone told you to want 30 years ago.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you spend your money mindfully? Are you critical toward your spending habits? When was the last time you took a moment to consider a particular purchase?