Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

It’s no secret that women over 60 have extremely high standards as they experience the dating scene. You are smart, independent, and savvy and don’t want to settle for anything less than you already have. You’ve built a beautiful life for yourself. The problem is, you’ve built a beautiful life for one, and it gets lonely.

Unfortunately, when you meet someone new, it’s typical to evaluate him based on your ‘list’. Everyone has one, even if you don’t have it written down. And it’s human nature to naturally look for a reason to say “No” rather than “Yes.” Your brain is working overtime to keep you safe by making it easy for you to swipe left or walk away. Protecting you is the primary job of your subconscious mind.

I know from personal experience how easy it is to break things off with a man when things don’t line up perfectly or match the picture you have in your mind of what the perfect relationship looks like. And unfortunately, you can miss out on some really wonderful men if you do that too quickly or easily.

Knowing your must haves and deal breakers is essential to being able to recognize a man who is a good fit for you. However, if your lists contain more than three or four things each, you are becoming too specific and may narrow your dating pool even further. There’s a shift you can make to date with a more sophisticated approach that helps you slow things down, to give yourself time to get past his date-face and start getting to know the real man.

Here are a few of the things you can do:

Put in Some Effort to Know the Man

Make a special point to find at least three things to like about any man you meet. Look for ways to say “Yes.” Remember what you focus on expands, so focus on his positives.

Consider Real Red Flags

Ask yourself if everything you consider to be a ‘red flag’ really is red. Is it something that you would love to have in your perfect world, or is it truly something that you could never deal with in a life partner?

Try to Neglect Small Flaws

Embrace his minor ‘red flags’ and consider them opportunities to grow as a couple. Rather than move on, evaluate if this is something you could negotiate or create a workaround for. These are the situations that help you learn how each of you loves, argues, deals with conflict, and disagrees. This can help deepen the emotional intimacy you share more than you can imagine.

Stop Worrying About the Lack of Common Interests

If you and a man like to do one or two of the same things, you have a good starting point. It’s more important for you to share personal values and goals than to share interests and hobbies. You can learn a new hobby in time, or not. Having separate interests keeps the conversation fresh and new for years to come.

Become the Person You Want to Meet

Believe it or not, men are evaluating you through their list as well. It’s not fair to expect your date to be ‘more’ than you are. Quality men look for quality women, so be sure you’re living your best life as well.

Disregard Stereotypes

Throw out most of the myths you heard about dating at this stage of life. Men at our age are much less threatened by smart, successful women than they may have been in their 30s or 40s. They still like to feel appreciated for what they do, but they recognize that smart, successful women help make adulting easier and more fun.

Stop Assuming Men Aren’t Sensitive

Men can carry forward as much pain and hurt from the past to present relationships as we do. They simply don’t talk about it as much. I have found men to be much more open about their feelings at this stage of life than ever before. It simply takes them a bit longer to feel safe enough to share them.

If you’ve been reading my articles, you know that recently I moved on too quickly from a special man because he didn’t match my perfect picture of what a relationship should be. As I thought about that experience, after the fact, I realized that I was dating through a fear lens rather than a love lens. And if I didn’t do something to change, it was highly likely to happen again. And I would continue to be alone. That’s when I took action.

If you think it’s time for you to take your own type of action, I invite you to enter to win my free 60-minute coaching session. This is your opportunity to talk with me one-on-one about your unique situation. We’ll talk about what’s working, what’s not, and how to change things so you can level-up your dating style, meet higher-quality men, and start having more fun. Simply click here to enter. I’ll be selecting one winner in the next 10 days, and it could easily be you.

In the meantime, keep your heart open and ready for love. You never know where you will find it.

Let’s Start a Conversation

Do you think you bring as much to the table as you ask of men? If not, what types of things could you delete from your list?

If there is one piece of traditional financial advice I wish we all knew we could ignore, it would be:

“Only spend on what you need, not what you want.”

You’ve probably heard this piece of wisdom thousands of times in your life, and maybe you’ve even said it as many times! But the wants-vs-needs decision making strategy is probably the worst piece of financial advice for anyone.

Here’s why:

“Only spend on what you need, not what you want” isn’t working because:

1. It’s too emotional.
2. It’s too fast.
3. It reinforces scarcity and failure.

It’s Too Emotional

It’s difficult to find two words in the English language that are more emotional than “want” and “need.” Essentially, we’re trying to make good, logical decisions using emotional language. Emotions are tools and are often a part of our decision making process, but using emotions this way is overly simplistic and not reflective of the complexity of our lives.

Emotional decisions are typically very fast and solve for only one thing. Here’s a story from another article about a couple, each partner is solving for one thing and making emotional decisions:

A couple, Sam and Mo, are shopping for a couch. The “right” couch is out there, they just have to find it, right?

Sam: Hey look, this one would fit great in the living room, and it’s in our price range.

Mo: Is it comfortable?

Sam: I don’t know, we could read reviews, or see if we can find it in a showroom.

Mo: Yeah, let’s do that. It doesn’t matter how much it costs if it’s not comfortable, right?

Sam: Yeah, but if it’s not in our price range it doesn’t matter how comfortable it is because we’re not getting it, right?

Each partner is solving for one thing. Sam is solving for price, Mo is solving for comfort. They both think what they’re solving for is the only logical thing to be focused on, and they’re both engaging in emotional decision making.

It’s Too Fast

It’s too fast and easy to justify a decision to ourselves. All we have to do is check the “need” box and move on. Combine that with the simplistic emotional reaction from above, and we’ve got a lightning-fast decision made with little to no thoughtfulness.

Most of the time we know at the moment that we’re using justifications (at least at some level), but in the absence of any other way to make decisions, justification is all we have left. We feel like we have no other choice, and that messaging makes it harder and harder to trust ourselves.

It Reinforces Scarcity and Failure

We have long memories for our own failures, and the wants vs needs strategy provides us with even more evidence that we’re not good at making decisions, even small ones.

And still we don’t evaluate the decision-making process we’re using, only ourselves. Maybe you’re not bad at using the “just focus on your needs, not your wants” strategy, maybe it’s just a bad strategy.

That failure tells us we’re never going to have enough, never going to be enough, and never going to make the right decisions, which amps up scarcity mindset and the pressure we apply to ourselves.

So how do I work with my clients so they can make better choices (financial or otherwise) without the wants vs needs thing?

I use and teach a tool that is a little slower, a little more detailed, but still easy enough to deploy in the service of making better decisions. And not just spending decisions, but in almost all decisions.

Note: This tool is best used for high-frequency, low cost/risk choices from daily spending up to a car purchase. For larger, low-frequency, high cost/risk choices like home purchases, starting or stopping relationships or jobs, this tool will not suffice.

Step 1: What Are the Possible Values of This Choice?

The value of choice CANNOT be its price. Too often we conflate the value of something with its cost.

And we’re not just talking about its monetary price, but also in the time and energy cost of a choice. Essentially, what service does this choice, purchase, or option provide to you?

Let’s consider the question of buying a bottle of carbonated water and practice this idea of values assessment to dig a little deeper.

Possible values of a bottle of carbonated water:

• Hydration is necessary for life.
• It’s cold and I’m hot/ it will be refreshing.
• It’s convenient.
• It’s delicious.
• It’s __________.

There are echoes of the WvN assessment here, right? That’s ok, we just need to explore and dig into the reasoning a bit more.

Let’s think about the value of “delicious” for a moment. While we are intentionally using language that steers us away from emotion, we do need to factor it in to our assessments. I love carbonated water, but someone who finds it disgusting would evaluate this differently. What you find satisfying, pleasurable, comforting, nourishing, disgusting, repulsive, or nasty should be part of this assessment, but it should not be the only thing we use to evaluate our choices.

We’re just practicing on a bottle of water so our list won’t be very long. What other values of this bottle of water can you think of?

Step 2: What Are the Possible Risks Associated with This Choice?

The risks of a choice CAN and should include its cost. The monetary cost of this bottle of water was $3. Applying the concept of an opportunity cost to this is pretty intuitive…. Once I spend this $3 on this bottle of water I cannot spend that same $3 on anything else. I can spend a different $3, but not THAT $3.

Where opportunity costs can get fairly philosophical is when we apply the same concept to the time and energy it took to make that $3. Even if I’d found $3 laying on the ground it would have taken me a very little bit of time and energy to pick it up. I cannot spend that time and energy on anything else.

Economics typically focuses the opportunity cost on monetary costs, but rarely turns that same assessment on how we spend our time and energy.

We can always make more money. We can always make more energy. The one thing we can never make more of is time.

So we have one risk so far:

The opportunity costs of spending my time, energy, and money on this bottle of water.

Other risks could be:

• It could be flat.
• It could have been manufactured incorrectly/gross.
• It could be ________.

What other possible risks can you think of for this bottle of water?

Step 3: Is There Any Other Way?

Specifically, is there any other way to get some of the values without some or all of the risks.

Let’s go back one last time to the convenience store where I’m standing with my bottle of water. In just a few seconds, I’d run through the possible values and risks of buying this bottle of water, now I ask myself, “Is there any other way to get some of the values of this bottle of water without some or all of the risks?” I turn my head, looking around, and guess what I see…

A drinking fountain. One of the big refrigerated ones. I could have then done the assessment again with the values, risks, and any other ways of the drinking fountain, but instead I just put the bottle back and sucked down a bunch of refrigerated water.

Sometimes there is no other way. What is important is that we are taking the time to LOOK for other ways.

Often in the headlong press through our lives we don’t look for other options. Feeling like we don’t have or can’t take advantage of more than one option is a kind of crisis. By teaching ourselves (and others) this three-step assessment we bake in the idea that we always need to look for other options.

What are some Any Other Ways for this bottle of water?

• I could get a cheaper bottle of boring water.
• I could hold out until I get home.
• I could drink from the drinking fountain.
• I could get a cup and get water from the soda machine.
• I could ______________.

Step 4: Repeat

Repeat the assessment as many times as you like with as many Any Other Ways as you like.

Bonus!

Kids get a kick out of playing this as a game, and I encourage it as a decision making tool you can teach off-the-cuff that will ultimately serve your grandchildren by helping them slow down their decision making process.

Also read, DOES YOUR MONEY SPENDING ALIGN WITH YOUR VALUES?

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you consider purchases based on wants or needs? Have you ever thought to slow down your decision making process? What tools have you learned to use that make sense for your finances?

The subject of mental health, including stress, anxiety and depression, has entered our homes in record numbers over the past few years. The ups and downs of life exacerbated by a pandemic, wars, ever increasing inflation and a whole list of other issues piled high. So where does that leave us?

Perhaps you’re exactly where you started, plodding along on your path, getting on with your life as best you can and waking up with a smile on your face believing that this too will pass like everything else. Yet maybe you’re feeling discouraged, depressed that the layers of setbacks and losses in the world are all too much to comprehend, unable to be productive because you don’t see any light.

Handling Stress

There are several determinants to how you handle stress. However, one area that gets too little attention in the subject is the effects of nutrition. In her book, Nutrition Essentials for Mental Health, Leslie Korn writes, “What is incontrovertible is that nutrition matters and it is the most important missing link to mental health in society today.”

Research has now proven that food makes a difference not only in how we feel physically but mentally as well. The perfect diet for mental health is still debatable, particularly because every individual has different needs, yet some things are evident.

Turn Negative Patterns into Positive Ones

Notice what foods you eat and what your patterns are when all is not right. Do you sit in front of the TV and eat? Do you freeze up and feel helpless, hardly putting anything into your body? Do you just fill up on empty calorie foods that give you nothing in return?

Sometimes you need a distraction, other times you need better food options on hand.

Once you notice where you are, that’s where you start. Lasting change happens slowly.

5 Necessary Nutrients

Fatty Acids

Essential fatty acids are important in your diet for strong mental health. A body that is chronically stressed has more of a challenge absorbing dietary fats. Enhancing your diet with foods high in Omega 3s, like wild salmon and halibut, fish oils, flax seed and walnuts, is highly beneficial for a healthy mind.

B Vitamins

Vitamins in the B groupplay an important role in producing hormones that help regulate mood. B6 in particular helps your body produce serotonin and melatonin, so that you not only feel better, but you sleep better too. Some good choices include sunflower seeds, pistachios, brown rice, turkey, avocado and garlic.

Magnesium

Magnesiumimpacts the nervous system, the oxygenation of blood vessels and regulation of insulin levels. All of these are vitally important components of the stress factor. Magnesium works closely with B6 and the combination has been shown in studies to have a valued effect on depression. Pumpkin seeds, chia seeds and cashews are some good sources of magnesium.

Calcium

Calciumshould be increased when there is high stress due to its role in many nerve processes and the correlation of decreased bone density with increased stress. Be proactive and eat foods high in calcium like yogurt, sesame seeds, and green leafy vegetables like arugula and kale.

Potassium

Potassium is needed to keep it in the right ratio with sodium, which easily becomes imbalanced with too much stress. This is important for managing blood pressure levels and to offset any risk of cardiovascular issues. You can boost your potassium by eating some foods like adzuki beans, flax seed, quinoa, dry roasted pistachios, kale and collard greens.

Stay Hydrated

Along with mineral depletion comes dehydration. It’s important that your body maintains a proper water/mineral balance, so be sure to drink filtered water throughout your day even when you don’t feel thirsty. As we age, our bodies aren’t always great at knowing when there is a need to quench.

Limit These Foods/Beverages

Cut Down on Caffeine

Although coffee and caffeine have many apparent benefits, when it comes to stress and anxiety neither is recommended. According to a study done by Duke University Medical Center, the negative effects of coffee are increased stress, blood pressure and heart rate.

If you love coffee and can’t imagine giving it up, keep it to one morning cup a day. Add some protein and fat so it doesn’t challenge your cortisol any more than it already is. Try a cup with a teaspoon of MCT oil and a scoop of collagen and see what you think. You’ll give your brain and your bones a boost in the process.

Avoid Alcohol

Many people turn to alcohol when stressed, thinking it relaxes them, but it actually has the opposite effect. It causes chemical stress on the body. Alcohol taxes your adrenals which may already be shot from overdrawing cortisol, and it also interferes with your sleep. Your body needs repair, and nighttime sleep is when it happens.

Carbohydrates

Cut down on the carbohydrates and increase the lean protein. Stress promotes weight gain. An increase in fat and a decrease in muscle mass is not a good situation for older adults. You need your muscle mass for strength and to protect your bone structure, keeping you balanced and independent.

Sugar and Its Derivatives

Sugary foods might feel good for a moment but then they just activate an already overly stressed system, causing more mood swings and further damaging imbalance. Kicking your sugar habit and shifting to other options is a good plan.

Food Allergies and Sensitivities

A big factor in mental health relates to food allergies and intolerances. Given the gut’s role as the body’s “second brain” any food that causes a reaction causes disruption. If you find that something doesn’t agree with you, avoid it. Keep it simple, keep it clean.

Notice what you ate when you see a negative change in your mood, write it down and avoid it for a while. The next time you have it, notice if you get the same effect.

Relax with a Cup of Tea

Herbal teas can be a great way to wind down after a long day. Passionflower, kava, tulsi and lavender are some herbs that are wonderfully calming.

Food nourishes your mind and your emotions. You can become more resilient when you change your outlook for the better. The right food can help you do that. It simply takes time and commitment.

Just as Marie Kondo encourages people to keep things around them that bring them joy, the same goes for food. Keep in your kitchen the foods that make you feel good and get rid of the foods that don’t. Find what works for you and if needed seek the help of a professional.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you ever notice how your mood shifts after eating? Have you had success changing your eating habits? What are you doing to help manage your stress? Is it working?