Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

“Politics make strange bedfellows” says a mid-19^th century proverb, meaning people of widely differing views come together when they have a common cause. It’s certainly true of my husband and me. We are on opposite sides of the political spectrum, and for years, I despaired of ever discussing elections without walking away from him in disgust.

A Little or a Lot Mismatched

Before we were married, he said, “So what if you’re a little to the left of center and I’m a little to the right of center.” We were falling in love and that seemed a good enough reason to let it go. But as the years passed, and the political landscape became more fraught and contentious, those differences seemed “more than a little.” I became frustrated with him for sticking to his more conservative views.

I wished we could be like James Carville and Mary Matalin, the political commentators from different parties who have been married for decades. What’s their secret? I wondered. A 2016 article at fivethirtyeight.com stated that 30 percent of married households contain a mismatched partisan pair. “Mismatched partisan pair” sounds dire, doesn’t it? But does it have to be?

Look for Common Ground

Relationship expert Anita Chlipala says it’s important to look for common ground where your beliefs may overlap. Like many “strange bedfellows,” my husband and I agree that poverty and homelessness should be eradicated, but we disagree on how that should be accomplished. He doesn’t see my way is best, but I get nowhere trying to force him to change. It only makes us both tired of talking about it.

In her book, Beyond Your Bubble: How to Connect Across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work, Tania Israel advises not shaming your partner or throwing opposing facts at them but asking questions instead.

Questions like:

• What have you seen that causes you to feel that way?
• What do you want to see in our country’s future?
• What worries you about the current political climate?

Listening vs. Agreeing

Over time, I have found that making myself listen, and trying to understand his point of view, does not mean that I agree with my spouse. It just means I love him and want to get along.

Listening to his answers without jumping in with my counterargument, as I used to do, preserves his dignity and brings us closer, as I learn more about his motivations, many of which are not that different from my own. We both want the best for people, peace in the world and our country, and enough resources to enjoy our lives.

Challenging Our Own Beliefs

Over a long relationship, we have both moved a tiny bit closer to the other’s views. Sometimes, I share with him articles I find online that are closer to his beliefs than mine. Reading them has helped me understand the conservative philosophy. If I just stick to my own, likely biased, outlets, I’ll never learn anything new or challenge my own beliefs. And sometimes I do need to challenge myself.

Voting for different candidates has no effect on our daily life together and scoffing because he reads a very conservative newspaper is really belittling him and his intelligence, something a loving partner should not do. If you feel that’s happening, and your partner is contemptuous toward you because of your political beliefs, try a different approach. If that’s impossible, you may want to consider ending the relationship.

“Criticism and contempt are toxic relationship behaviors, and if they aren’t stopped, [they] can create irreparable damage,” says Chlipala.

The Propaganda Factor

These days, there’s another very damaging phenomenon going on: propaganda and misinformation. If your partner is adding politics to more and more conversations, exhibiting frightening anger, spending time alone in chat rooms, and mentioning conspiracy theories, they may be influenced by propaganda.

Former cult member and deprogrammer Steve Hassan advises against trying to talk them out of it which can make them feel belittled or persecuted. Instead, he recommends reconnecting over shared interests and experiences, like hobbies or vacations, to remind them of who they are outside of these beliefs.

Another technique is to redirect them toward legitimate organizations working on issues they care about, like ending human trafficking or having safe and secure elections.

Bottom Line

Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t put up with talk that is damaging to the well-being of your marriage or your own emotional health.

It’s a crazy world out there, and we need our bedfellows now more than ever. Let’s make sure they feel welcome and ‘agree to disagree’. We may both learn something and even change a little bit in the process – a good thing at any age.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What are some taboo topics in your marriage/partnership? Are you and your spouse on different ends of the political (or other) spectrum? How do you handle those differences? Have you searched for professional help?

Happy 2024! We are well on our way, and I am already feeling the days slipping by too fast. How about you? Did you set any New Year resolutions? How are you doing? Already blown that diet? Rain or snow forced you to rethink the daily workout you promised yourself? Finding it difficult to fit meditation or yoga in with family demands? You are not alone! No matter my resolve, my New Year resolutions rarely make it past January.

Intention Instead of Resolution

A friend recently sent me an article suggesting that instead of setting New Year resolutions, we should go for New Year intentions. What’s the difference? Intentions, the article explained, “are broader and encompass multiple areas of life”.

For example, instead of resolving to walk 10,000 steps every day, set the intention to live a healthier life. That might include exercise, but it certainly could also include eating habits, time with family and friends, and meditation or whatever you do to recharge.

An intention to advance your career might start with an evaluation of what excites you about your job. What do you value about what you do? Then you might decide to find a mentor or expand your network, attend seminars to broaden your knowledge, or volunteer to lead a project. On the other hand, you might decide it is time to make a career change.

How to Set Intentions

Since intentions may be a new concept, the article suggests a good place to start is to make a list of your top five values and five things you enjoy. For example, these are five things I value:

• Family and friends
• Spirituality
• Health
• Helping people
• Nature

Five things I enjoy:

• Getting together with family and friends
• Spending time in nature
• Expanding my knowledge
• Listening to music
• Writing!

Now think of ways that you can combine your lists. The article suggests that you write a few sentences using the present tense as if you’re already doing these things. For example:

• I am sharing time in nature with friends/family.
• I am finding new ways to stimulate my mind.
• I am taking time to recharge.

Before I retired, I would have focused on ways to value “helping people” through activities for and with my clients. Now I write blogs and promote my book, A Beginner’s Guide To Investing. I combine helping people with my passion for writing.

Keep your lists in a place where you can see them regularly and remind yourself of your intentions for 2024. I really like the idea that intentions help to “guide actions from a gentle, compassionate place – instead of a place of enforcement.”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you feel about setting intentions? What are some of your values? Things you enjoy? How would you combine them in an intention for 2024?

Do you appreciate a word of praise? Do you like giving praise where it is due?

When I was working full time, I realised the importance of praise and encouragement. Even now at my ripe old age, if someone tells me I am doing a good job, I feel elated. It spurs me on to do better things.

So imagine how a younger person would feel to be told they are appreciated. Praise is a powerful tool that can build their confidence and give them self-worth. In my opinion, it cannot be underestimated.

Too often we jump to complain but are not so quick to give a compliment. Here are 5 ways to can express your praise for others.

Thank One Person a Day

Sometime ago I decided I would try and praise at least one person a day. This could be a waitress in the coffee shop or a helpful shop assistant. It could be anyone whose path I crossed and who looked like they needed a boost. The reaction I have had has been so uplifting, I urge you to try it!

When I ask to speak to a manager or supervisor, faces fall. This woman is about to make a fuss and complain – they think. So when I praise instead, the relief is palpable. Gratitude for my few words is overwhelming.

Appreciate a Person in Uniform

A case in point is the busy security lines at airports. The staff is working tirelessly to get hoards of people through the system. Often the general public are complaining about the wait and inconvenience, albeit for their own safety.

I once congratulated a duty supervisor on the cheerful attitude of his staff one busy morning at Gatwick Airport. I felt I had made his day. He admitted no one had ever given any positive feedback but many were quick to criticise. What a sorry state of affairs.

Thank a Younger Person

Another time I was in a very busy coffee shop. A very young girl who looked like a student, was struggling to cope alone with a long line of customers. To her credit she kept smiling, despite the grumblings about ‘a long wait’. She greeted each customer with courtesy.

As well as thanking her for her hard work, I approached her manager, who was obviously expecting me to complain. I pointed out that maybe she needed some help and encouragement. I hope my suggestions filtered through and her job got a bit easier.

Compliment a Family Member or Friend

As I mention this category, I hang my head in shame. Too often we forget to praise the ones we love. We take it for granted that they know how we feel. So while I take the time to praise complete strangers, I often overlook my nearest and dearest. I have two very special daughters, one a great mother and an inspiring teacher.

I also appreciate my youngest daughter, who has the most caring and empathic nature. Not forgetting my long-suffering husband who puts everyone before himself. I am surely blessed and need to tell them so more often.

Praise Yourself

And, once again, we tend to fall short here. We are often very self-critical and constantly underestimate our achievements. I think many of us were brought up in the 1950s. This was a time when it was expected that you did your best and no more was said. But as I write, the realisation dawns that we can work hard to achieve our goals, and deserve a pat on the back occasionally. I am sure you can relate to this.

Hope you don’t mind my input and of course the decision is yours.

So next time you see people doing the best they can (including those close to you as well as yourself), working hard under difficult circumstances, and managing to smile through, just a quiet word of praise may make their day.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you try to compliment a stranger or friend every day? When was the last time someone gave you a genuine compliment? How did it make you feel?