Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

Twenty years of marriage is a milestone worth celebrating. My late husband, Tom, and I had grand plans – a dreamy Caribbean cruise, soaking in the sun, and the love we had built over two decades.

“I’m the luckiest guy to have married you, Kathleen! And I’m gonna love you forever!” he would say, his voice filled with warmth and certainty. But forever was cut short. That cruise never happened. Our 20th anniversary passed, not with champagne and ocean breezes, but with an emptiness I never saw coming.

I became part of a club no woman ever hopes to join – the widows’ club. A club where time is measured in memories and love lingers as both a comfort and an ache.

The Shock and Fog of Widowhood

It was early December when we received Tom’s diagnosis: incurable, inoperable cancer. Two months later, just before Valentine’s Day, he died in my arms. Within weeks, my widowed mother died, and my father had passed two years earlier. To top it off, even my cat died. Loss upon loss left me feeling lost myself.

Simple things became impossible. Where were my car keys? What was my Social Security number? Was I losing my mind? Sleep was elusive – I couldn’t figure out what side of the bed to slumber on. I desperately wanted to feel Tom’s embrace again, his goodnight kiss. But the bed remained cold, and my grief felt endless.

I describe it as a tunnel of darkness. Tom had transitioned into the light, and I was stuck in the shadows. I wanted to go with him, but of course, I couldn’t.

Financial Worries and the “Bag Lady” Syndrome

Despite my credentials – a Ph.D., a career as a Certified Financial Planner, and even recognition as one of the top 100 planners nationwide – I initially panicked about money. Tom’s Social Security checks stopped, his pension check continued but was smaller than before, and I wasn’t sure if I could run our financial planning business without my husband’s assistance.

You might say I felt like a bag lady in the making, even though I had the tools to prevent it. But I quickly regained clarity, reassessing my financial standing. Yes, of course I was going to be okay – at least financially. But what about the widows who didn’t have my background? How terrifying must this financial uncertainty feel for them? That realization led me to shift my career focus toward helping widows navigate their financial futures.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Widowhood

Losing a spouse is the single greatest stressor in life. It affects cognitive function, memory, and decision-making. Some call it “widow brain fog”— making simple tasks feel impossible.

Common Emotions Include:

• Disbelief: “I can’t believe he’s never walking through that door again.”
• Identity Crisis: “Who am I now that I’m not Mrs. Jim Jones?”
• Anger: “Why did you have to leave me? We had retirement plans!”
• Fear: “How do I handle everything alone?”
• Guilt: “It’s not fair! I have more money now than when he was alive?”
• Confusion: “How do I even cook for one person now when I’m not even hungry?”

Every widow’s grief is different. Even I, who have experienced widowhood, never say, “I know exactly how you feel,” because I don’t. But I can listen, support, and offer practical assistance.

Widowhood Is a Journey That Unfolds in Stages:

Grief

• Immediate tasks like funeral arrangements, benefits processing, and basic financial triage take priority.
• Because decision-making may be impaired, avoid making major changes like selling your house too soon.
• Transfer life insurance benefits to a high-interest earning money market account until you can make thoughtful, longer-term choices.
• Focus on self-care, including exercise, yoga, meditation, and remembering to eat and sleep.
• Download Financial Steps for New Widows, a free eBooklet to use when doing items on that checklist.

Growth

• Emotional healing begins, but grief may still come in waves.
• Cognitive functions improve, allowing for clearer financial and life decisions.
• Review and adjust basic financial plans, including appropriate investments, basic estate planning documents, tax situation, insurance, and pre- or post-retirement plans.

Grace/Transformation

• Reclaim independence, expand interests, and possibly seek new relationships.
• Consider advanced legacy planning, community engagement, and rediscovering personal passions.

Actions to Avoid Common Pitfalls

Don’t Rush

• While immediate steps like funeral arrangements and bill payments must be addressed, other decisions can wait.
• Take time before making major financial moves, like selling property or investing life insurance payouts.

Beware of Financial Wolves

• Predatory salespeople have been known to target widows.
• Avoid “too good to be true” investment schemes and high-pressure tactics.
• If you don’t understand a financial product, don’t buy it.

Rethink Housing Decisions

• To escape memories, some widows may consider moving immediately, but drastic changes should be made with a clear mind.
• Don’t pay off your mortgage immediately with life insurance proceeds, as that money may serve you better in other ways – which you’ll understand later.
• If possible, wait several months or more before downsizing or relocating.

Get Real About Your Finances

• Create a cash flow statement to review where your money comes from and where it goes. Also create a net worth statement – summarizing everything you own and everything you owe.
• Update legal wills, trusts, and beneficiaries.
• Reassess investments to ensure they align with your new single status.
• Consider working with a financial advisor who understands the emotional aspects of money management and provides comprehensive financial planning.

Don’t Be a “Purse or a Nurse”

• A widow in her 90s gave me this good advice when I started dating later. “Don’t be a purse, a nurse, or god forbid, their mother!” She was right! I met all three types… and walked away from each of those guys!
• Step away from being pressured to support adult children or enter relationships where they become caregivers – which negatively drains their own personal and financial reserves.
• Be cautious with financial handouts and protect your independence – unscrupulous scammers consider lonely widows easy prey.

Planning Ahead: The Best Gift to Your Partner Today

Many women assume their spouse will always “handle the money.” I call this Magical Thinking. Statistics show that 70% of all married women will experience widowhood at least once during their lifetime. Instead of avoiding money conversations, make financial discussions a shared responsibility. Together, review this list below:

• Wills, trusts, and health care directives
• Investment accounts and beneficiaries
• Pension and Social Security strategies
• Homeownership and insurance information
• Digital assets and account passwords
• Where important documents and records are located
• What to do or not do when one spouse passes – including professionals to contact

Love may be eternal, but life isn’t. Preparing in advance is a valuable gift to both partners.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

“Widowhood is a path no one chooses, but together, we can find strength, healing, and financial clarity. Whether you’re newly widowed or years into this journey, your story matters. What advice helped you the most? What wisdom would you pass on to another woman walking this road? Let’s support one another – because while loss may shape us, it does not define us.”

Maybe it’s not a feeling of fear that you feel… maybe it’s more like dread or uneasiness of the unknown. The dictionary definition of the word retirement is “the action or fact of leaving one’s job and ceasing to work.”

Since a large part of our life and identity for many years has been our work, the thought of not having that can make us unsure of the future.

The boomer generation and those that follow should be considering the distinct possibility that we just might live into our 90s. To cease working for 25-30 years after retirement is a long time!

There are steps to take to face the ThirdThird of life, i.e., ages 60-90, without fear. Here are 5 suggestions to combat the dread of the unknown, the uneasiness of what to do with a lot of years – possibly another one-third of your life – “post job.”

Choose Your Words

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. – Wayne Dyer

The first way to begin to move past the fear of what retirement means for you is to eliminate the word “retirement” from your vocabulary. Don’t think of your life as empty or purposeless or “post-work.” Think of it as your ThirdThird!

If you retire at 60 and live to be 90, that’s a long 30 years. Thirty years is a third of 90, so you have the opportunity to build on your first two thirds of your life and make your ThirdThird your Best Third!

Think of your life in the ThirdThird as opportunity. You have the opportunity to build on all of the experience, wisdom and skill that you have amassed.

Invest Your Time in a Meaningful Way

I have some discretionary time, and I have skills in need of an outlet. I was on the prowl, as it were, to find a way to contribute to our community in a meaningful way.

I am not really ‘Board material’ as I prefer action to talk. I don’t want to be involved in politics. I have tried mentoring and have found my particular mentees to be less than motivated. I’ve volunteered at church and Habitat for Humanity events with good success, but in one-time events.

Years ago, I was invited to an informational lunch about the Community Health Clinic in our county. I learned that they have a Food as Medicine program, well-funded by grants, and they need a volunteer leader to make it better.

They had an intern who was there daily, so it was a leadership/development opportunity more than a show-up-and-make-it-happen commitment. I had always thought of nutrition as my hobby, so I jumped in.

I was excited about this Food as Medicine program and the monthly pop-up food pantry we had. I could see myself doing this for a long while.

There are opportunities that will fit your skills and interests. If you are looking for them, you’ll find them!

Pursue an Interest

When you do not have to show up someplace at 8:00 a.m. every day, you have some time to follow your curiosity. Don’t worry about finding your passion. Just find things to be curious about.

A friend of mine has discovered contra dancing and is often housing various other dancers who come to our town for festivals and exhibitions.

Another friend is making “working wall art,” combining wood with antique and vintage door knobs. He and others I know find great enjoyment selling their various wares at the local farmer’s market.

I think it is safe to say that there is a class available for just about anything you might want to explore. If not in your community, then definitely online. Maybe some travel will help you stir or deepen an interest you can pursue.

Make Health a Priority

I read that 70-90% of disease is lifestyle related. I believe that. A client of mine in her late 70s recently got her blood pressure under control in six weeks by changing her diet and walking daily.

Falls and joint pain are just two of the common concerns that come along with age. Regular yoga helps with both since balance and flexibility are both addressed. Walking is an easy way to get blood flowing and heart pumping with all the good feelings that a bit of exercise brings along.

I resorted to putting a scale in our kitchen to remind myself and my husband that we have a weight we want to stay beneath. Even our son who has Down Syndrome has been able to get his weight under control with our daily reminder – brutal as it seems, to some.

In our ThirdThird, making health a priority can make our years post-work much more satisfying.

Give Yourself a Deadline to Meet

Take advantage of the fact that you are in control of your time – now. Choose one thing that you have said you would do when you retired, or that you dreamed of doing, and set a deadline for completing it. Or, set a deadline for starting it!

I published my first book in 2018. I talked about it and planned it for a long time and it all came together when I was 66. I said it would be done in January of 2018 and guess what? It was!

Just as in your business/working life, there was nothing as motivating as a deadline, so it is now as you are making the most of the opportunities you have in your ThirdThird. One thing at a time. Set a goal and a deadline.

Build a purposeful life. Make you ThirdThird the best Third of your life by fearlessly refusing to think of yourself as ‘retired.’

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What ways have you had to adjust your thinking after your career years ended? How are you planning for your post-work years? What joy have you found in new opportunities with more discretionary time? Please join the conversation below and share your experiences and insights.

Everyone was more than a little surprised.

Yes, your cabinets or closets may need a good purging. But spring is also good time to throw away some things that don’t require a trip to Goodwill.

I know you’re chomping at the bit to dig through your cupboards. But how about sorting through your clutter within, too? Do some spring-cleaning for the soul and make room for more of what you want to keep, more of who you truly are.

To get you started, here are 5 things worth tossing out.

Shed the “Shoulds”

How should you be spending your time? Should you attend that party?

Should is an authoritative word that gets its orders from society or our pre-programmed notions about how we’re supposed to behave or respond.

Observe when you use it. Give it the old heave-ho when you can.

Nix the Need to Please

Our need to please asks us to make automatic responses like “Sure!” that might cause a churning in our gut.

We disregard what we know is best for us, what we really want. Remember, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you’re the one in charge of pleasing YOU. And spring is a good time to take charge.

Jettison Any Guilt

Guilt is a draining emotion that we feel when we act on what we want then second-guess ourselves.

If this is a hard one to let go of, start in small situations with low stakes. Maybe you’re asked to babysit the grandkids but really want to take that guided tour of the museum.

Practice putting your need to please at the bottom of the list and your desire at the top. Settle into the good feeling you have about your choice. Release any guilt. (Then go to the museum.)

Pitch Perfection

Bottom line, whatever it is that you’re striving to make or look perfect, no one notices but you. If they notice, they probably don’t care. If they care, so what?

Let it go. Life is unique because of imperfections. And so are you.

Release the Unwanted

Anything you don’t want, including the stuff in your cupboards, can go. It’s beneficial to toss out actual things. Making physical space creates room in our hearts and spirits, too.

But the unwanted can also include people who bring us down, activities we’ve grown tired of, or even the hairstyle we’ve worn for years.

Examine your list of things just asking to be released. Then set them free.

So, now that you have more heart-space, what’s worth keeping this spring? See if these 5 things resonate.

Preserve the Word “No”

It’s easier to say “No” if it’s accompanied by “Thank you,” or, “This won’t work for me.” It’s also a complete sentence.

Save Time for Self-Care

Fill your days with rest, movement, and a little pampering. Include some solitude as well as the companionship of people who nourish you.

Hang onto Continuous Learning

Follow your curiosity and pursue what stimulates you. There’s so much still to explore!

Make Room for Service to Others

However we do it, helping other people ignites our sense of purpose and gives us avenues for sharing our gifts.

Maintain Some Soulful Practices

Whether it’s through meditation, prayer, or a creative endeavor that causes us to lose track of time, when we follow a track that nurtures us from the inside out, we increase our Peace and expand our Joy.

And who doesn’t want more of that this spring?

Additional read, Spark Joy in Your 60s: Small Changes That Make a Big Difference in Everyday Life.

Let’s Have a Discussion:

What do you want to toss out of your life this spring? What’s worth keeping? Join the conversation!

I could never stop at just one. A glass of wine was never enough. It was always two, sometimes three, and occasionally four. There were nights when an entire bottle disappeared before I even realized it.

How did I get here?

Drinking creeps up on us. It can start as an occasional indulgence and, over the years, morph into something far more entrenched. In my 20s, it was purely social – something I did with friends. By my mid-30s the mommy juice had started, a nightly glass (or two) of wine became my well-earned reward after long days balancing work and parenting.

In my 40s, the strain of a high-powered job and motherhood was eased with two (or three) glasses at the end of the day and on weekends the wine was opened at midday.

By my 50s the wine had become self-medication – my comfort, my companion, my escape.

Decades of drinking was affecting my health, and at the age of 55, I got breast cancer. I was unaware of the strong link between alcohol and breast cancer, so my drinking continued.

In all honesty, I did try to cut down, but it never lasted long. I even did Dry January but was counting the days and white-knuckling it until February when of course I would drink even more.

It was only when I tried to alter my deeply entrenched habit that I realised I had become dependent.

My Decade of (Failed) Moderation

Women who drink too much feel a lot of shame and I certainly did, too. Why couldn’t I just “have one” like my husband would urge me to do? I finally admitted to myself that I had become dependent but decided to tell no-one and “fix” the problem myself.

There followed a decade of trying (and failing) to moderate – again and again. I felt ashamed and broken – why did I have no “willpower”? Why couldn’t I drink “normally” like my husband and some of my friends?

My decade of (failed) moderation is in fact quite common.

A survey by sobriety group Tempest interviewed hundreds of women in recovery and asked them how long they struggled alone before they reached out for help.

The average length of time was an incredible 11 years!

7 Warning Signs of Alcohol Dependence

Sign #1: You’ve Tried (and Failed) to Cut Down

When I started to worry about my drinking, I decided to cut down. This was easier said than done, and I spent at least a decade trying (and failing) to drink less. It was exhausting and demoralising, but I just couldn’t imagine my life without wine!

Moderate drinking for women is described as having one drink or less in a day and binge drinking as consuming at least four drinks in one sitting. It’s pretty easy to go above these numbers.

If you’re a wine drinker, then a bottle and a half of wine a week is your low risk guideline. Of course, if you want to be really healthy, then it’s better not to drink at all!

If you can’t drink within these limits, then you have crossed the line into dependence. The good news is that it’s much easier to quit than to cut down, and you’ll eventually feel happier and be healthier without it!

Sign #2: Thinking About Alcohol Is Taking Up Mental Space

If you spend time thinking about alcohol, that’s a sure sign you need to make a change.

Are you planning your next drinking session or recovering from it? Are you worried that you feel “under par” most days yet not quite joining the dots between your health and your daily wine habit? Would you like to quit drinking but have no idea how to go alcohol free? Do you worry about losing friends, missing out on fun and having to come up with excuses if you don’t drink?

All sure signs that you need to take a break from alcohol to test your dependence. Alcoholism is a slippery slope, and it’s far easier to step off before things get too serious. One of the (many) advantages of sobriety is that you free up your mind to think about more interesting topics than how many units you drank last night!

Sign #3: You Make Drinking Rules

Perhaps you’ve created a list of rules around your drinking, like only drinking after 5 p.m., sticking to beer and wine or limiting yourself to two drinks in social situations. Do you wake up some days with a headache and decide that you won’t drink that day? Yet 5 p.m. comes round and you feel so much better that you can’t resist pouring that glass of wine!

These drinking rules might work for a while and may even be a sign that you are simply a responsible drinker. But if you keep making and breaking drinking rules then that’s a sign that you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and need to consider a lifestyle change.

Sign #4: You Drink Every Day

Consuming alcohol every day or more than three times a week is another sign you should consider taking a break. It’s almost impossible to stay within the low-risk guidelines if you drink every day and you are creating a habit which will get harder and harder to break.

The advantage of taking a significant break from alcohol (like 66 days) is that it gives you a fighting chance to “reset” your drinking patterns. You may find that after you’ve taken a break from alcohol you are able to drink just a couple of times a week which will make keeping to the guidelines so much easier.

Many people who need a detox from alcohol don’t realize just how much they need a break until they take one. Take note of how you feel during your alcohol break. For example, do you feel sick or weird in any way? You might be going through symptoms of withdrawal, which is another sign that you need to make a change.

Sign #5: You’re Noticing Physical Changes

Our bodies are highly sensitive and intelligent and will do their best to let us know when we are drinking too much. However, once we get dependent we tend to “push through,” and we just accept that we don’t feel great.

Once I hit 60, I felt exhausted but convinced myself that it was my age, nothing to do with my serious daily wine habit.

Now that I am 70+ and have been alcohol-free for a decade I am full of energy!

Ditching the booze is one of the best things we can do for our health and happiness as we get older. After all, alcohol is a factor in 60% of falls, and falls are the leading cause of injury-related deaths in people over 65.

Read: Six Reasons to Ditch the Drink after 60!  

There are some clear signs that your body is telling you it’s time to take a break from drinking, like changes in your skin, weight changes, acid reflux and heartburn.

Alcohol can cause weight gain since it can trigger food cravings and keeps your body from burning carbs and fat (not to mention the drinks themselves can be riddled with calories and sugar). Fatigue is another common symptom of drinking too much since the quality of your sleep is diminished.

Long story short, if you’re not feeling your best (and you’re noticing these changes), alcohol may well be the culprit.

Take a break, and yes, those first few weeks may be hard, but get your attitude right. You are not tackling a “problem” so much as taking an “opportunity” to improve your mental and physical health.

Get excited!

Sign #6: You’re Not Getting Enough Sleep

Do you sometimes wake up at 3 a.m. feeling anxious? If you’ve been drinking the evening before, then that’s about the time when the alcohol will be leaving your body. Drinking may numb our anxiety for a while but that reprieve is temporary!

There is also a common misconception that alcohol helps you sleep better since it makes you feel sleepy. In reality, alcohol often causes sleep disruptions and suppresses REM sleep (which is considered the deepest sleep stage). A drinker will only get a couple of cycles of REM sleep whereas we need about 7 cycles to feel well rested.

If we drink daily, this fatigue will build up over the years.

Consider skipping those evening drinks and see if that makes a difference in how you feel when you wake up. You may even find that you feel so well-rested that you decide to switch to tea or alcohol-free drinks in the evening.

Sign #7: No “Off” Switch

Do you sometimes find it difficult to stop once you begin drinking? Do you plan to have a couple of drinks and then find yourself drinking more? Would you say all of your social activities revolve around alcohol?

If you socialise a couple of times a week, it’s pretty easy to get through four drinks during an evening which meets the definition of binge drinking. As we get older, we have less water in our bodies which makes it harder to process the alcohol, and our liver will take longer to recover. We tend to think that once the “morning after” feeling has gone, then we are fine, but in fact, our body and brains need more time to recover.

I used to convince myself that I didn’t have a drinking problem… I just went “over the top” now and again. Unfortunately, those “over the top” occasions got more frequent and more severe, occasionally ending up in a blackout which is a real danger sign.

Women’s Alcohol Related Deaths Rising

More and more women are drinking to cope with the challenges of life. Studies show that women’s alcohol-related deaths have risen sharply.

Recent data indicates a concerning rise in alcohol-related issues among women in both Canada and the United States up to 2024.

The Statistics

Alcohol-Related Deaths

Between April 2020 and December 2022, Canada experienced a 17.6% increase in mortality fully attributable to alcohol, resulting in approximately 1,600 excess deaths.

High-Risk Drinking Among Women

Recent studies have highlighted a significant increase in alcohol-related mortality among women. Between 1999 and 2023, the alcohol-related death rate for women rose from 4.8 to 12 per 100,000 individuals in the United States.

Hospital Visits

Hospital visits due to alcohol consumption have surged – particularly for women in midlife.

Excessive Alcohol Use

Currently, nearly 59,000 women in the U.S. lose their lives annually due to excessive alcohol consumption, accounting for 1 in 6 deaths among women aged 20 to 49.

Alcohol Affects Women Differently

The reality is that alcohol affects women differently.

We metabolize it differently, meaning we become more impaired than men after the same number of drinks. This increases our risks of liver damage, heart disease, cancer, and memory loss. It disrupts our sleep, fuels depression, and even doubles our risk of stroke if we exceed the drinking guidelines.

Yet, the alcohol industry markets booze as a form of female empowerment – think “Mommy Juice” and “Skinnygirl” cocktails. They even slap pink ribbons on wine bottles, despite the well-documented link between alcohol and breast cancer.

One wonders if Big Alcohol has hijacked the Feminist Movement…

Dr. Connie Newman of NYU’s School of Medicine calls alcohol use disorder one of the most underdiagnosed and undertreated conditions in women. The truth is, many of us don’t fit the stereotype of an alcoholic. We function. We go to work, raise families, and pay our bills. True, we may not be drinking in the morning, but we’re drinking too much, too often.

Society has stigmatized the “alcoholic” to such an extent that we imagine a homeless man in the park rather than a well-dressed woman on her way to the office. This is dangerous as it makes it so easy to convince ourselves that we’re not “that bad” because we are keeping the show on the road!

One of the (many) benefits that I experienced in sobriety was a surge of energy and motivation. Energy which had been spent “keeping the show on the road” while feeling constantly under par due to my daily drinking.

Addiction is progressive and alcohol dependence is an elevator that only goes down.

How I Quit Drinking… At 63

I tried AA but I hated “labelling” myself an alcoholic and the rigidity of the 12 steps, so I tried to do it alone.

I did make some progress by gritting my teeth and using willpower, but it was only when I read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace that I realised it was about mindset… and I needed to change the way I thought about alcohol.

The gamechanger came for me when I found “my people” during a one-day workshop in London. Other women just like me – good jobs, nice families and in need of a community that understood them.

When we embark on this life changing journey we need to find our Tribe.

Our families may tell us to just “cut down a bit” and our friends often tell us not to be “boring” and that we don’t even have a problem. We need our own Tribe – people who have been exactly where we have and who understand us.

As I settled into my sobriety, I began to feel healthier and happier than I had for years.

I became passionate about the benefits of an alcohol-free lifestyle and decided to start a sobriety group which would inspire other women to do what I had done.

So I founded Tribe Sober in 2015. Since then, I have build a team of people who know the meaning of compassion. We run free bootcamps every few months, the latest one running next week (10-14 March).

What does our bootcamp look like? It’s a virtual gathering, hosted on the “Sobriety Bootcamp” private Facebook Group. Live sessions are recorded to suit all time zones. Also, it’s worth mentioning that your Facebook friends will not be able to see that you are a member.

Come join our “Sobriety Bootcamp” – it’s open now and it’s absolutely free.

Click here to get more info

Click here to join Sobriety Bootcamp Group

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What is your definition of alcohol addiction? Does it match the official definition? Are you on your journey to becoming addicted or are you on your journey of quitting?