Twenty years of marriage is a milestone worth celebrating. My late husband, Tom, and I had grand plans – a dreamy Caribbean cruise, soaking in the sun, and the love we had built over two decades.
“I’m the luckiest guy to have married you, Kathleen! And I’m gonna love you forever!” he would say, his voice filled with warmth and certainty. But forever was cut short. That cruise never happened. Our 20th anniversary passed, not with champagne and ocean breezes, but with an emptiness I never saw coming.
I became part of a club no woman ever hopes to join – the widows’ club. A club where time is measured in memories and love lingers as both a comfort and an ache.
The Shock and Fog of Widowhood
It was early December when we received Tom’s diagnosis: incurable, inoperable cancer. Two months later, just before Valentine’s Day, he died in my arms. Within weeks, my widowed mother died, and my father had passed two years earlier. To top it off, even my cat died. Loss upon loss left me feeling lost myself.
Simple things became impossible. Where were my car keys? What was my Social Security number? Was I losing my mind? Sleep was elusive – I couldn’t figure out what side of the bed to slumber on. I desperately wanted to feel Tom’s embrace again, his goodnight kiss. But the bed remained cold, and my grief felt endless.
I describe it as a tunnel of darkness. Tom had transitioned into the light, and I was stuck in the shadows. I wanted to go with him, but of course, I couldn’t.
Financial Worries and the “Bag Lady” Syndrome
Despite my credentials – a Ph.D., a career as a Certified Financial Planner
, and even recognition as one of the top 100 planners nationwide – I initially panicked about money. Tom’s Social Security checks stopped, his pension check continued but was smaller than before, and I wasn’t sure if I could run our financial planning business without my husband’s assistance.
You might say I felt like a bag lady in the making, even though I had the tools to prevent it. But I quickly regained clarity, reassessing my financial standing. Yes, of course I was going to be okay – at least financially. But what about the widows who didn’t have my background? How terrifying must this financial uncertainty feel for them? That realization led me to shift my career focus toward helping widows navigate their financial futures.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Widowhood
Losing a spouse is the single greatest stressor in life. It affects cognitive function, memory, and decision-making. Some call it “widow brain fog”— making simple tasks feel impossible.
Common Emotions Include:
- Disbelief: “I can’t believe he’s never walking through that door again.”
- Identity Crisis: “Who am I now that I’m not Mrs. Jim Jones?”
- Anger: “Why did you have to leave me? We had retirement plans!”
- Fear: “How do I handle everything alone?”
- Guilt: “It’s not fair! I have more money now than when he was alive?”
- Confusion: “How do I even cook for one person now when I’m not even hungry?”
Every widow’s grief is different. Even I, who have experienced widowhood, never say, “I know exactly how you feel,” because I don’t. But I can listen, support, and offer practical assistance.
Widowhood Is a Journey That Unfolds in Stages:
Grief
- Immediate tasks like funeral arrangements, benefits processing, and basic financial triage take priority.
- Because decision-making may be impaired, avoid making major changes like selling your house too soon.
- Transfer life insurance benefits to a high-interest earning money market account until you can make thoughtful, longer-term choices.
- Focus on self-care, including exercise, yoga, meditation, and remembering to eat and sleep.
- Download Financial Steps for New Widows, a free eBooklet to use when doing items on that checklist.
Growth
- Emotional healing begins, but grief may still come in waves.
- Cognitive functions improve, allowing for clearer financial and life decisions.
- Review and adjust basic financial plans, including appropriate investments, basic estate planning documents, tax situation, insurance, and pre- or post-retirement plans.
Grace/Transformation
- Reclaim independence, expand interests, and possibly seek new relationships.
- Consider advanced legacy planning, community engagement, and rediscovering personal passions.
Actions to Avoid Common Pitfalls
Don’t Rush
- While immediate steps like funeral arrangements and bill payments must be addressed, other decisions can wait.
- Take time before making major financial moves, like selling property or investing life insurance payouts.
Beware of Financial Wolves
- Predatory salespeople have been known to target widows.
- Avoid “too good to be true” investment schemes and high-pressure tactics.
- If you don’t understand a financial product, don’t buy it.
Rethink Housing Decisions
- To escape memories, some widows may consider moving immediately, but drastic changes should be made with a clear mind.
- Don’t pay off your mortgage immediately with life insurance proceeds, as that money may serve you better in other ways – which you’ll understand later.
- If possible, wait several months or more before downsizing or relocating.
Get Real About Your Finances
- Create a cash flow statement to review where your money comes from and where it goes. Also create a net worth statement – summarizing everything you own and everything you owe.
- Update legal wills, trusts, and beneficiaries.
- Reassess investments to ensure they align with your new single status.
- Consider working with a financial advisor who understands the emotional aspects of money management and provides comprehensive financial planning.
Don’t Be a “Purse or a Nurse”
- A widow in her 90s gave me this good advice when I started dating later. “Don’t be a purse, a nurse, or god forbid, their mother!” She was right! I met all three types… and walked away from each of those guys!
- Step away from being pressured to support adult children or enter relationships where they become caregivers – which negatively drains their own personal and financial reserves.
- Be cautious with financial handouts and protect your independence – unscrupulous scammers consider lonely widows easy prey.
Planning Ahead: The Best Gift to Your Partner Today
Many women assume their spouse will always “handle the money.” I call this Magical Thinking. Statistics show that 70% of all married women will experience widowhood at least once during their lifetime. Instead of avoiding money conversations, make financial discussions a shared responsibility. Together, review this list below:
- Wills, trusts, and health care directives
- Investment accounts and beneficiaries
- Pension and Social Security strategies
- Homeownership and insurance information
- Digital assets and account passwords
- Where important documents and records are located
- What to do or not do when one spouse passes – including professionals to contact
Love may be eternal, but life isn’t. Preparing in advance is a valuable gift to both partners.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
“Widowhood is a path no one chooses, but together, we can find strength, healing, and financial clarity. Whether you’re newly widowed or years into this journey, your story matters. What advice helped you the most? What wisdom would you pass on to another woman walking this road? Let’s support one another – because while loss may shape us, it does not define us.”
