Author: HairWeavings Editorial Team

This spring I met someone special and had an instant connection. I really like him, and he felt the same way. But then through no fault of either of us, we ended things due to some personal issues.

My heart wasn’t broken because we didn’t date long, but because I liked him so much, it felt a little dented.

Trying to move on, I found myself comparing any new men I met to John (not his real name), and it got to the point that it was hindering my dating experience. I was struggling to let go. Until this week when I had a major ah-ha moment.

There I was, pining over a man who I hardly knew, when BAM, out of nowhere I realized that it wasn’t him that I liked so much, it was his character traits. I liked that he was smart, fun, active, kind, connected to his family, had a silly sense of humor, etc. And most of all, I liked that he put real effort into dating me.

But truth be told, there were some things going on in his life that may have turned into deal breakers over the long-term.

This beautiful epiphany was the perfect feedback I needed because it showed me how I had stopped dating with intention.

What Does That Mean?

Dating with intention means approaching your love life with clarity, mindfulness, and purpose. It’s about stopping that idle swiping and aimless dating so you can shift your focus to men who excite you, have shared values, and long-term potential. It’s about being deliberate with your choices and finding personal connections with men who share your goals and aspirations.

There’s a self-awareness that comes from dating with intention. It requires honesty and bravery. Yes, you’ll make hard choices, but frankly, it’s a much more successful dating style.

My First Steps

Once this thought washed over me, I immediately began writing down everything I liked about John, but I did it in the form of affirmations. By starting with the words I am, your brain perceives that it’s already happened and aligns your behaviors to help make it so.

I used the word men rather than man because I wanted the universe to bring me choices rather than just one… just in case I didn’t like him. I wrote things like:

• I am attracting men who are fun and active.
• I am attracting high quality men who are kind and thoughtful.
• I’m attracting men who are still passionate about their work.
• I am attracting men who like me for who I am.

I wrote until I didn’t have any more to say. No, this doesn’t mean I expanded my checklists. This means that because I’m dating with intention I’m open to attracting men who meet my must-haves and deal breakers PLUS the other personality traits that will deepen our connection.

I read my list every day because it makes me smile and reminds me that love is in the air. I know there are good men out there because I’ve met them. If you believe it, it can work for you too.

It’s About Having Fun

Next, I made the commitment to be more authentic in my chats. I’m smart and serious much of the time so I decided to start showing my fun, silly side. This usually stays hidden until you get to know me really well. But not any more.

When a man chats with me, he sees the real me, quirks and all, and I’m becoming more comfortable with letting new people in quickly. I want to make sure the men I’m interested in have the possibility of being a good fit. It’s such a time saver!

Mindful Choices

Then I began paying more attention to the quality of the man, rather than the quantity. The more time you spend dating the wrong men, the less time you have available to look for the right men. And at this stage of life, time is a commodity.

You don’t need to worry that intentional dating will keep you home alone on Saturday nights. You may date more. Men don’t want to waste time either and will appreciate your honesty from the start. Be open to adding those words to your dating profile.

Enjoy Meaningful Conversations

Because you’re making better choices, you’re spending time with someone who doesn’t shy away from deeper questions. If he does, you know very quickly that he’s not the one you’re looking for. You don’t need to move quickly. You can ask deep questions about shallow topics and still create emotional intimacy.

Live in the Moment with an Eye on the Future

To really enjoy spending time with someone you must stay in the moment. However, as you continue to learn more about each other, you’ll want to decide if this person has enough depth to carry you past the first couple of dates. Are they a good kisser? Could you introduce them to your family and friends?

Then as the relationship goes to the next level, you’ll want to determine if he’s someone with whom you can handle life’s challenges. Is he a good communicator? Will he let you in? Emotional maturity is critical for emotional intimacy in a healthy relationship. You both want to feel safe enough to be honest about your feelings.

Which Brings Understanding

Dating with intention is a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It helps you truly understand what type of person you’ll be able to build genuine connections with based on shared values and compatibility. It’s how you’ll meet a man who will love you the way you want to be loved. As I always say, “Dating is all about you.”

It’s exciting to have clarity around the type of men you invite into your life. It sets the groundwork for trust and open communication from the very beginning. And if the men you’re dating also date with true intention, you may just find your someone special.

If this sounds like a great plan, but you don’t know where to start, join me for my Iron Tiara Masterclass, How to Find Love over 50 Without Losing Yourself. Schedule your personal watch party here and see how you can avoid the three dating mistakes all women make and stop struggling for love.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What tricks or tools do you use to get over heartbreak? Do you date with intention? What is your intention for dating?

Have you had your feelings hurt lately by someone close to you? Or had a heated exchange with an old friend? Did you say something you regret to someone you care about and damage the relationship? Do you sometimes feel angry, negative or discontent, causing you to lash out for no acceptable reason?

I certainly have; and according to the women in my circle, we’re not the only ones. There seems to be a rash of women in our era having disagreements serious enough to end long-term relationships.

Changes in Relationships

This came as a surprise to me. I honestly thought once I got to this stage in my life, my friendships would be permanently cemented. But I’ve noticed recently that some of my closest relationships are not as fulfilling as they used to be.

I also realize I can be inexplicably short-tempered and critical with these women. The same women who I supported in the last few decades and who supported me through careers, relationships and the realities of young life. But now, for some reason, we get on each other’s nerves.

We All Go Through Changes

There are many reasons why aging women find themselves experiencing a shift in mood. Hormones or the lack of, poor physical health, social isolation and loss all contribute to the quality of our mental health and outlook.

It’s difficult to be nice when we wake up feeling stiff or sad. It’s hard to be considerate when we’re worried about our finances, physical wellbeing in the future or spend so much time idle and alone that we forget how to play nice with others.

Is There Something We Can Do?

This era of life with all of its changes can be difficult, but we can take steps to improve how we feel and how we interact with others. These things come to my mind and I’ve tried to practice many to some degree of success.

Take Care of Ourselves Physically

Chronic pain, brain fog and lethargy affect our emotional state and mood. Eating well and getting enough sleep is a good start.

Get Regular Physical Exercise

It reduces cortisol and recent studies show flexing muscles release mood-improving hormones into the bloodstream.

Enjoy Time in the Sun

Spend time in the sunlight to get a daily boost of serotonin, a hormone that elevates mood.

Be Aware of Miscommunication

When someone says something hurtful, ask for clarification before reacting. Perhaps you misunderstood the intention of what was said.

Look for Positive Criticism

When someone you trust says something that seems critical, look for truth in the words. If you find there is some truth to the criticism, perhaps it is appropriate to apologize or make changes. If there is no truth to be found, try to take the words with a grain of salt.

Compassion May Be in Order

There is an old saying, People see us not as we are but as they are. Unkind words can come from those living in fear or pain. Often, there is a need for compassion.

Not All Friendships Are Meant to Live on Forever

If, when we think of losing that person from our lives, we feel sad about what we once meant to each other rather than missing what we currently share, it may be time to let the relationship go.

Avoid Over Consuming Alcohol

Our inhibitions are chemically affected when we indulge and the chances of saying something we might regret go up with every sip.

Sensitivity to a Specific Person

Notice when a certain person’s company sets you on edge, perhaps it is time to take a break from the friendship.

Give Upsets Time to Resolve

We can overreact when our feelings are hurt, and speaking up in the moment could lead to a deeper rift than if we give each other a chance to cool off.

Bring in a Referee

Ask an impartial friend to help you understand the situation and try to find a fair and suitable resolution.

Choose Honesty

Be honest but choose your words carefully.

We’re all learning how best to live in an aging body while being confronted with life’s challenges as we strive to live each day to its fullest. Hopefully, we can do so with compassion and humor, preserving everyone’s self-respect.

Further read, Do You Have 8 Minutes? Finding the Time for Friends.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you had a long-term friendship fall out? Were there important reasons for the break-up, or was it caused by little things?

While sorting through my inbox, I came across one email with the subject line “Loving Life with Less.” Given my interest in downsizing, I was very excited to read it. Yes! I thought. That’s exactly the goal.

And then I began to think about how that really felt, and I wasn’t sure that it felt very good to think about living with less. Less what? Less clutter? Yes, that’s great! Less sleep? Well, that’s not so good even though many of us apparently are doing it.

I remembered a wonderful statement from John Muir, the venerable conservationist who fought so valiantly to preserve Yosemite. He said, “Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where Nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike.”

My Downsizing Journey

A few years back, I was faced with moving from my 2000-square foot home with a big two-car garage and a very large yard to an 800-square foot apartment with a 46’x46” cage in the basement for storage. Yikes!

Among other things, this meant getting rid of about 80-90% of what I owned. Is this a possibility in your future? If so, you’re not alone in feeling the fears and overwhelm such a prospect can bring.

As I went through closet after closet, drawer after drawer and bookshelf after bookshelf, I realized that in addition to asking myself “How long has it been since I used this and how likely am I to use it again anytime soon?” I also took note of how the item felt when I held it or looked at it. Was it beautiful to me? Was it precious? Did it bring me joy?

What ‘Sparks Joy’?

In her very helpful book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo talks about those few things that, when we look at them, ‘spark joy’.

I think that, as Muir points out, we need more than ‘just functional’ things in our lives. We need some beauty, some play, some soul-feeding things and activities.

And I think that we need just enough of those things. Just enough to feel happy and satisfied and fulfilled in the same way we need just enough functional things to live with ease and a sense of spaciousness.

An Upside to Downsizing

In my book, The Upside of Downsizing: Getting to Enough, I talk about what it means to keep ‘just enough’ in mind while you downsize your home. Just enough functional things like pairs of socks and shoes, just enough camera equipment, just enough tools and books and pots and pans.

Just enough to get things done easily in our lives. But not more than enough. Not so that things are bursting out of closets and drawers and filling the garage to the point that the car doesn’t fit in any longer.

It feels better to me to think about “Loving Life with Enough” rather than “Loving Life with Less.” If I’m living with ‘less’ I may be deprived of things I really need. If I’m living with ‘enough’ I have everything I need to live a complete, fulfilling life.

How Do We Know If We Have Enough?

What are the signs of enough? For many years I’ve had a special project called the Sign of Enough, which is designed to help us answer the question “How will I know when I have enough?’’

It’s not an easy question, and we never answer it once and for all, but we can live ever alert to what the answer may be in that moment.

I invite you to try asking yourself this question for one day. If you’ll do this, when it comes time to do a major downsizing of your home, you’ll be prepared to downsize to enough, which will be at least a bit easier.

Loving Life with Enough

It took about five seconds for much of this to race through my mind before I opened the email I mentioned above. When I did, I realized that the subject was “Loving Life with Less Water.”

It was from a gardening shop and the topic was plants and shrubs that require less water to flourish. I smiled and thought, “Well, not all of us have enough, to be sure, but many of us have way more than enough to flourish.”

I invite you to keep in mind “getting to just enough to flourish” as you downsize your home.

You may find this process challenging, or even painful, so consider providing yourself with some extra support.

Ask a non-judgmental friend sit with you and ask you what’s important as you reflect on the issue. Or consider hiring a coach.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Can you think of a time in your life when you chose to live with less? How did that feel? In what ways does it feel different to you to think of living with less as compared to living with enough? What does downsizing your home mean to you? Let’s discuss in the comments below!

Happy Grandparents Day, everyone!

A few years ago, I wrote about the vital role grandparents play in creating a better world. Older adults possess unique skills and wisdom to share with younger generations. We also have a duty to leave the world in better shape than we found it.

The article generated a great discussion and was well-received. However, some community members felt the focus on grandparents left out those without grandchildren. They wondered if Grandparents Day had anything to offer them.

I want to address this concern directly as we approach Grandparents Day 2024, on September 8th. Grandparents Day should celebrate the unique contributions of all older adults, not just those with grandchildren.

Throughout history and across cultures, elders have been revered for their wisdom and experience. Unfortunately, this respect has diminished in recent years. We need to change how society views the role of older adults in making the world a better place.

Celebrating Grandparents Day Starts with Grandparents

It’s true that grandparents naturally focus their energy on their grandchildren. They share wisdom, provide emotional support, and offer unique experiences. Grandparents are there when their grandchildren need them most. Whether it’s teaching a beloved family recipe, sharing stories from the past, or providing a steady hand during tough times, grandparents have a profound impact on their grandchildren’s lives.

But It Doesn’t Stop There!

Older adults without grandchildren also play crucial roles. They can mentor young people, volunteer at schools, or support charities that make a difference. Their contributions are just as valuable. 

For instance, programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters and local mentoring initiatives provide opportunities for older adults to guide and support the younger generation. 

Many older adults also engage in community projects, environmental conservation efforts, and advocacy for social justice, demonstrating their commitment to creating a better world for all.

Highlighting Inspiring Stories

To emphasize the diverse contributions of older adults, let’s highlight some inspiring stories. Take, for example, Maria, a retired teacher who volunteers at a local literacy program, helping children improve their reading skills. Or John, a former engineer who now mentors young adults entering the tech industry, offering guidance and career advice. These individuals, and countless others, show that you don’t need to be a biological grandparent to make a significant impact.

Creating Intergenerational Bonds

Grandparents Day is also an opportunity to foster intergenerational connections. Many communities host events where older adults can share their knowledge and experiences with younger people. These events can include storytelling sessions, craft workshops, or joint community service projects. Such interactions help bridge the gap between generations, promoting mutual understanding and respect.

The Health Benefits of Staying Engaged

Engaging with younger generations benefits the recipients and has profound positive effects on older adults themselves. Studies have shown that older adults who remain active and involved in their communities experience better mental and physical health. They report higher levels of happiness, lower rates of depression, and a greater sense of purpose. 

For example, volunteering and mentoring can help reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness, which are common challenges among the elderly. Staying active in these ways can also improve cognitive function and overall well-being.

Building a Legacy of Love and Wisdom

One of the most beautiful aspects of Grandparents Day is the opportunity to reflect on the legacy older adults leave behind. Grandparents, mentors, and community leaders impart values, traditions, and life lessons that resonate through generations. 

This legacy is not just about family heirlooms or stories passed down; it’s about the enduring impact of their love, kindness, and guidance. By celebrating Grandparents Day, we honor the lasting influence of older adults and encourage future generations to appreciate and continue this legacy.

Practical Ways to Celebrate Grandparents Day

There are many ways to honor and celebrate the contributions of older adults on Grandparents Day:

Host a Community Event

Organize a local event where older adults can share their talents, stories, and wisdom with younger generations.

Volunteer Together

Encourage families to volunteer at local charities or community projects, promoting intergenerational collaboration.

Create a Tribute

Use social media to highlight stories of older adults making a difference. Share photos, videos, and personal anecdotes to celebrate their contributions.

Intergenerational Activities

 Plan activities such as gardening, cooking, or art projects that bring together older adults and young people.

Support Elderly Neighbors

Reach out to elderly neighbors who may be isolated, offering companionship and assistance with daily tasks.

This Year, Let’s Celebrate All Older Adults

On Grandparents Day 2024, let’s thank all older adults who contribute to the future. Celebrate the grandmas and grandpas who teach, nurture, entertain, and guide their grandkids. And let’s also recognize the millions of amazing older adults who make the world better in their own unique ways.

Join the Conversation:

Do you have grandkids? What do you love about being a grandparent? Do you agree that all older adults who positively impact young lives should be celebrated on Grandparents Day? Share your thoughts and join the conversation!