If you want to learn how to swim, you start on dry land. Walking slowly in, you acclimate to the water, literally letting it wash over you as you wade in. Eventually, the watch is up to your shoulders, covers most of your body and you put your head under – finally, you are in the water. Your whole body is surrounded by water.

You might continue to practice out of the water on stroke mechanics, strengthening your muscles, and breathing techniques. You may stay in the shallow end for a while or use a small pool or bathtub to practice. The point is at some point you must get into the water.

Letting others in is like getting in the water. They are entities outside of yourself, you are not in control, and you can get in deep quickly. Each person has their idiosyncrasies that, often, might not sync up with yours.

You May Ask – I Deal with People Every Day, How Is This Different?

It’s different because you will make it different. You want something unlike what you have had before. You are working on your relationship with yourself and have made progress. Hopefully, you are experiencing less confrontation and more acceptance. Fewer obstacles and more going with the flow, not because it’s easier, but because you are making choices you value and want.

Let’s review and for some of you catch-up:

• Part 1: Love what I have – we learned to surround ourselves with things we love and value.
• Part 2: Falling in love with myself – we learned to forgive our past, let go and know we are worth living a life we love.
• Part 3: Time takes Time – we began to understand that rushing doesn’t always work. Slowing down is good for us and helps us to learn and enjoy everything that comes our way.

Now, we are ready to get into the pool and party! It’s time to get into the water with others.

Spoiler alert, although we are ready to be in more intimate, loving relationships we still must grow, hone and practice knowing ourselves. The truth is we are never finished with steps 1, 2, and 3 – the goal is for them to become part of our baseline. Part of who we are and how we choose to see the world.

On to Getting in the Water

Learning to value myself and balancing that with living with another is a tricky situation for me. That’s a big part of why I am writing this series. To remind me of where I started, what I have learned, and where I ultimately want to be.

Thus far, I have learned that being in true partnership with another involves two core abilities. These are both keys to Managing Annoying Me.

This is a very delicate operation, and we need to start with some common definitions and understandings. Something I defiantly learned in dealing with others. Are we speaking the same language, coming from the same understanding? It’s ok if we are not, it’s about each standing in our own depth in the water – I love when an analogy carries all the way through.

An example of this is understanding the exact body of water we are talking about. I may have a mountain lake in mind, while my partner is talking about the Pacific Ocean or a built-in swimming pool. All water although defined by diverse attributes.

Wanting to be in an intimate relationship, I have found that I must travel two roads. I was reluctant to go down.

Facing Deep Dark Hurts

Deep Dark Hurts are my personal core issues, the bud of the bud, the core of the onion (if the onion had a core). This is the historical hysterical baggage that I drag around with me and which keeps repeating in every interaction, relationship, and situation. These are at the root of the patterns in my life that keep me stuck.

As I started to love myself, and see who I am, I started to connect to my emotions. Then I had to see how I reacted. What I did in response to every situation. This is when I had to become willing to address whatever is going on. Having a new awareness that lets me not look at the deeper issues and trends of my behaviors but that I had to be willing to face these behaviors. To own them. When I love myself, I can be more honest with myself.

Often this starts with my Core Beliefs. These viewpoints that I have, although they are not immutable, have permeated my understanding of the world and how I fit in it. Each of us has our own, developed from our unique journey, starting at birth all the way through who we are now.

For me, I believed that friendships were always a rocky road, and I had to give more than I got. I would go as far as to say, I often felt I had to sacrifice my zen to be in a relationship. What a gift to be able to let go of that type of thinking.

Once I love myself, I can see all of myself and that is when I can be truly honest and know that it is time to change my beliefs that don’t serve me anymore, as a mature older woman with perspective.

Changing My Behaviors

Practically speaking, what can I do when I have feelings and am upset about a relationship, a conversation, or anything involving a relationship with another?

This is where I have learned that triggers are a good source of information on where I need to go deeper.

Understanding Triggers?

This is another word I believe we can benefit from defining. A good friend of mine recently said this word makes it worse for her; she feels like someone is holding a gun to her head and she had to act quickly.

It’s the total opposite for me. Triggers to me are what get me started. I can react and pull the trigger and go like a speeding bullet down a rabbit hole, or I can pause, step back and not react. I view it as having my finger on the trigger. For most of my life on this planet, I chose to shoot first and think later, literally pointing the finger or gun at anyone instead of me. I did this to defend my feelings.

Now, as I face my core beliefs that drive my feelings, triggers are information. They present a choice. Most importantly, I do not have to defend my feelings anymore. Choice and control have returned to my universe.

Changing my behaviors is not – I repeat NOT – about pleasing others. It’s about becoming a better me, who acts like a woman of dignity and grace under all conditions. It’s a way for me to be true to my beliefs and to show that to others. To be kinder to those I love and value.

Practice Staying in the Water – Managing Annoying Me

If I want to be in a relationship with anyone – friend, partner, family, peer, or even myself – I must practice staying in the water. I must apply what I have learned about facing my deep dark truths and then changing my behaviors. I must be able and ready to take another action than what I may have done based on my triggers.

Now that I know the result of my “usual” action, I must take an unusual action. After years of coaching CEOs and founders about growing their businesses, I must take my own advice: What got you this far will not get you to the next level, to where you want to go. I had to change my reactions and actions to bring them in alignment with my underlying beliefs to act differently.

I have learned this usually boils down to three key observations I must make, which are not mutually exclusive. Each choice is to be applied situation by situation. This is part of our new approach, there is no one-solution-fits-all policy. Meaning, what I might do today might not be what I do a month from now, depending on the situation.

Invoke Goldilocks

The first thing to do on all accounts is an honest appraisal. What is really going on? I call this Goldilocksing or right-sizing the situation. Remember the story where Goldilocks enters a home she finds in the woods, tired, hungry, and sleepy? She finds the one item that is just right for her. First, she wants the biggest, then the smallest, and finally, she settles on what is just right.

The kicker is, she forgets or ignores the fact that she is trespassing and not even in her own home. What a lesson! It shows us that we must find what fits us, is the right size for us, and corresponds to our situation.

The bigger lesson that is often missed here is what belongs to us. What is ours to worry about, to use, or to be involved in and make decisions about? Maybe we are reacting to situations, policies, and relationships that aren’t ours to change or worry about.

How often have we worried about the wrong thing? The key here is to take stock of the situation: is it an emergency or something we won’t even remember in a few weeks? What is ours to make decisions about?

Situation by situation, I must assess the circumstances with honesty and integrity and proceed from that place of understanding of my role, my place, and my purpose at this time, in this situation.

See My BS – My Blind Spots

Even the most high-tech of high-tech cars have a blind spot, a sightline we cannot see, a view that is not obvious. Sometimes it’s just a small sliver, and sometimes it can be the size of a ball field. When that blind spot comes into my vision, when I finally see it, I am left shaking my head, thinking, “How did I miss that?”

And that’s when the fun begins. When I can finally see and become aware of what I did not see before, I gain a whole new perspective. Usually, that perspective involves becoming humble.

Case in point, I was getting annoyed at one of the people I was working with on a town committee. They were always quick to say no and then wanted to discuss why they said no, repeatedly. Finally, when I saw my blind spot, I recognized what I didn’t see before – I always started with Yes.

So, that person was reacting to me; my blind spot had created the situation! The following week, I let the conversation start with a discussion on everyone’s points of view. I let go of my blind spot of always starting with yes, and we started to make real progress. What a relief and a gift!

Start Stopping Today

One thing I have surely learned over the years is when it doesn’t feel right. What has been a slower learning curve is what to do about it. I have learned that figuring it out can take too much time. Letting it be can just make me act crazier because it’s not what I feel. And addressing it directly… well… that doesn’t always go in my favor.

What’s a woman swimming in new waters supposed to do?

Start Stopping. Today.

When it doesn’t feel right, when I am overwhelmed, when I can’t seem to find my balance, I just start doing it differently. Today. Not tomorrow, when I believe all my ducks will be in a row. Not next week, when something else is supposed to happen. Just right now.

At that same town meeting, I opened my mouth and was about to say, “Yes, I am sure we can do that,” I knew it didn’t feel good, and I started stopping at that moment. I said, “never mind.” I couldn’t believe that I had started stopping right then. It felt a little scary, a lot of good, and I didn’t end in the same place I usually did – alone on dry land without anyone else around me.

What’s Next

What are you waiting for, get into the water! Channel Goldilocks and know what belongs to you, identify your blind spots, and bring your willingness to start stopping and the desire to be different and it will be.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you used to letting others in your life, or is this something you find difficult? What gets in the way? Is there something you’re afraid of?

If you purchase an independently reviewed product or service through a link on our website, STYLECASTER may receive an affiliate commission.

When you have hyperpigmentation (those pesky dark spots), acne marks, dark circles and the like, sometimes concealer isn’t enough. To really hide imperfections — if you so choose — you need to color correct. That’s where Tarte’s new Shape Tape Color Correctors come in. You’ve got the creamy, ultra-pigmented formula you know and love from Shape Tape, with the shades you need to color-correct any spot. Here’s how you use ’em.

Before you apply your regular concealer, choose the color corrector that’ll work for your imperfection. This is an important step. If you know how to apply concealer, the rest is easy. There’s Pink to brighten dark spots (for all skin tones), Yellow to brighten and neutralize mild redness (all skin tones), Green to neutralize redness, hyperpigmentation and pimples (all skin tones), Peach to neutralize dark under eyes and discoloration (fair-to-medium skin tones), Orange to do the same on medium-to-deep skin tones and Red for the same darkness on deep skin tones.

Tarte also added White as a base or to add to a shade to customize your own and Black to add depth to any color.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. QVC is a STYLECASTER sponsor, however, all products in this article were independently selected by our editors. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

Tarte.

Once you’ve got the color (or colors) that’ll work for you, apply a little to your under eye circles or dark spot and let it sit for a minute. Apply your regular concealer on top and you’ll be shocked at how well the area just disappears. And you don’t have to worry about the concealer getting cakey with all the layering. Shape Tape Color Corrector has hyaluronic acid and nourishing shea and mango butters to keep the area well hydrated. Grab yours at QVC now before they launch on Tarte’s website.

If you purchase an independently reviewed product or service through a link on our website, STYLECASTER may receive an affiliate commission.

Finding the right blush can sometimes feel like the most difficult part of building up your beauty regimen. There are so many options —where do you even start? When we’re feeling lost, we ask for guidance from the TikTok goddesses, and this time, they seriously delivered. Everyone from Alix Earle to Mikayla Nogueria (and basically every other beauty TikTok creator) has been obsessing over this liquid blush for months, and it’s quickly selling out at Sephora.  

Rare Beauty’s Pinch Liquid Blush comes in a variety of shades, so there’s no doubt you’ll find your perfect match among these choices. But you’ll have to hurry. On Sephora, shades like Believe and Love are already out of stock! Don’t worry, though, you still have some options, a few of which have been given a coveted TikTok shoutout.  

@yazdior

i should’ve tried this sooner #rarebeauty #rarebeautysoftpinchliquidblush #rarebeautyhope #rarebeautyliquidluminizer #rarebeautyhighlight #makeupgrwm #rarebeautyenchant

♬ original sound – xxtristanxo

TikTokers tested out some of the new shades including Happy, which features a dewy cool pink finish. TikToker @yazdior said they “should’ve tried this sooner” after seeing the final results, while TikToker @makeupbyalissiac showed some love for the “underrated” matte nude pink blush Bliss. Of course, these TikTokers aren’t the only ones who adore Rare Beauty’s Pinch Liquid Blush.  

@makeupbyalissiac

This shade of Rare Beauty liquid blush is so underrated!! Shade “Bliss” #BeautyReview #BeautyHacks #makeuptutorial

♬ original sound – ALISSIA

Along with TikTokers’ adoration for this Rare Beauty product, shoppers have been spreading the love in their glowing reviews.

“This blush is just *chefs kiss* so pigmented,” one shopper said. “Everyone told me I was glowing all night. Just get it. Best addition to my makeup routine.” Another satisfied shopper said they are “definitely buying more” after trying this blush out. “So pigmented and feels very good quality. I love that there’s so many shade options for warm or cool toned skin. I love the way they blend and the dewy finish.” 

Photo: Rare Beauty.

Rare Beauty Liquid Blush

We’ve always admired how Rare Beauty’s products are designed specifically with its users in mind. These blushes won’t just make your skin glow and feel all kinds of loved up, you’ll also feel incredible as this blush brings out your own rare beauty. (See what we did there?) Get your own shade(s) of Rare Beauty Pinch Liquid Blush before it’s gone! 

In this month’s issue (February 2023) of Woman’s World magazine there is an article entitled, “Red Light Therapy Cured my Knee Pain.” The article immediately caught my attention as it also stated that the knee pain the person was experiencing was due to osteoarthritis, a degenerative disease that affects the bone cartilage in a joint.

The word “cure” struck me as osteoarthritis involves structural changes that have occurred to the joint, and not just inflammatory conditions or irritated structures.

The person of whom the article was written (Carol) is a retired nurse who states that she had run the gauntlet of trying conventional remedies, including therapeutic interventions, support devices, and pharmacological options, with little to no success in eliminating her knee pain. In fact, she states that the pain was such that it made walking difficult and her love of playing tennis almost impossible.

Symptomatic knee osteoarthritis occurs in 10% men and 13% in women aged 60 years or older. About 10% of people aged over 55 years have painful disabling knee OA of whom one quarter are severely disabled.

How Red Light Therapy Works

The article discusses how a friend of Carol’s told her about light (red and near-infrared) therapy. Traditional Red Light therapy, and Near-Infrared Light therapy, has been used for decades to treat pain, usually with expensive machines found in physical therapy and other healthcare clinics, and certainly has scientific evidence showing that red light therapy helps with pain reduction.

The beneficial pain reduction effects of these devices are reported to be produced primarily through a “thermal” or heating effect on the tissues, bringing increased blood circulation (more oxygen and nutrients) and tissue relaxation, and through the stimulation of mitochondria in cells to produce more adenosine triphosphate (ATP) providing an increase in the energy needed to help heal damaged tissues.

The article states that Carol’s friend recommended that she give light therapy a try and recommended a product called the DNA Jazz Band Live.

What Information Is Available?

The makers of the DNA Jazz Band Live device state that their technology is “The only light therapy wearable made in the USA, all of DNA Vibe’s products feature patent-pending Intelligent Light Therapy technology which is light years beyond the simplistic “wearable holiday lights” made overseas. All Jazz Bands feature precision frequency controls, advanced wave-form shaping, proportionate light diffusion for even distribution, and more.”

The “patent-pending Intelligent Light Therapy technology” included in the above-mentioned company statement refers to the combination of four modalities: red light, near-infrared light, micro-vibrational and magnetic signaling. It is also stated that these modalities work together synergistically to deliver red and near-infrared light therapy at the lowest power output/intensity and optimal frequency to maximize the precision and depth of tissue penetration.

This is purported to:

• Stimulate DNA excitation producing an increased production of adenosine triphosphate (ATP), yielding increased cellular energy, vitality and regenerative or healing capabilities.
• Increase blood flow and oxygenation by increasing nitric oxide release that dilates vessels resulting in increased cellular respiration of the target tissues.
• Provide anti-inflammatory, pain mitigation, and cellular protective effects. The mechanical actions of the micro-vibrational and magnetic signaling interrupt pain transmissions, reduce edema and inflammatory markers, all of which reduce the stress enacted on irritated and inflamed tissues and enhance tissue healing.
• Promotes photobiomodulation that stimulates messenger RNA to increase amino acid and protein synthesis to help restore, rebuild, and replenish damaged tissues. The enhanced cellular and molecular effects lead to increased fibroblast during proliferation and subsequently increased collagen production to facilitate quicker wound contraction and tensile strength development in the treatment of tissue repair.

What Else Is RLT Good for?

The Woman’s World article primarily focused on arthritis, one musculoskeletal condition, but red light therapy is also used to treat multiple other musculoskeletal conditions, beyond what this article is focused on.

Further, when you consider these multiple physiological effects and their impact at the cellular level, one can make the connection for red light therapy’s ability to provide protective, regenerative, and healing effects to other conditions such as skin repair and therefore wound repair, bone density and health, sleep enhancement through a stimulatory increase in melatonin hormone, etc.

Some Other Points When Considering the DNA Jazz Band

• The company that produces the DNA Jazz Band does not currently have published scientific literature specifically using their device. However, they reference the myriad scientific articles demonstrating the positive effects of red and near-infrared light therapy, touting a greater delivery of the red light with accompanying “pain gating” associated with the micro-vibrational effects.
• The DNA Jazz Band, because of its lower power output/intensity is without risk and does not require the wearing of protective eyewear.
• The DNA Jazz band is wearable and conforms to most body parts where it would be applied. It can be worn anywhere – at home or on the go and not confined to a clinical setting.
• Like many products, solutions, formulas, etc., the verdict of its effectiveness will come out in time as the number of individuals that use a product report on their experience and their results. Something to keep in mind and an eye on.

Some Final Thoughts

Near the end of the Women’s World article, Carol says, “I know this is saving me thousands of dollars on treatments and medications.” As a kinesiologist I am a strong believer that movement/activity helps heal damaged and inflamed tissues and helps reduce pain in many cases.

A non-pharmacological approach to helping people move (more freely and without pain) is worth investigating. However, keep in mind that the Jazz Band, like any other therapeutic modality, should serve as an “adjunct” to movement/exercise activities. Movement = medicine to joints and tissues of the body.

Let’s Have a Conversation

Is red light therapy a new concept to you? If you have used it, what has been your experience? For what purpose(s) have you used it? If you have used it to treat pain, are you also engaged in efforts to move and gain strength and range of motion for everyday life?

If you purchase an independently reviewed product or service through a link on our website, STYLECASTER may receive an affiliate commission.

Ever heard the saying, “if you puck one gray hair, three come back in its place?” This is a myth for the most part, but taking hair out of your head by force like that does have its consequences. You can leave the area super irritated and cause it to experience premature hair loss, something that just gets worse as we age.

I have a better solution for you—Vegamour’s Gro Ageless Anti-Gray Hair Serum. It’s a hair product you can use a couple of times a week to prevent gray hair from coming while nourishing your hair for new growth.

And if you want to pick up this up, I’d recommend getting it ASAP. The brand is currently having a major sale on all of its best-selling kits, including the Gro Ageless Daily Duo, which includes the Anti-Gray Hair Serum and Vegamour’s popular Gro Hair Serum for reducing shedding and loss.

Vegamour

Gro Ageless Daily Duo

RELATED: Nicole Kidman Loves This Hair-Thickening Serum—& It’s On Major Discount for the Brand’s New Year Sale

If you want to turn back the clock on gray hair, you can also grab this plant-based hair serum that promises to renew hair color and shine with consistent use on its own. Vegamour claims the serum restores youthful looking hair in as soon as 90 days and have the results to back it up. In their clinical trials, participants with gray hair saw the following: 71% said hair looked healthier, 64% saw less gray hair in as soon as 90 days, and 57% said hair looked darker.

Its blend of nourishing ingredients are to credit; peptides renew strands exposed to oxidative stress, while glycoproteins enhances their natural shine and mitigated gray shades without damaging the hair. Lastly, a blend of vitamin’s B3, B5, B6 and E prevent graying from appearing faster.

Vegamour

Vegamour Gro Ageless Anti-Gray Hair Serum