Month: December 2023

We’re celebrating another new year. It’s packaged with promise and possibilities just as advertised.

Yet some of us might still be scraping away residue from the old one. Some of us might still be figuring out what to do (and not do) when life throws you a curve ball.

Regardless, this is the time when our inboxes are flooded with inspiring messages about discovering what you really want in the new year. As well-meaning as this encouragement is, we might silently admit that it falls a little flat.

New Year Doesn’t Have to Mean New You

Because maybe, despite the shiny new calendar page that heralds January 2024, the timing feels a bit off. Maybe you’re not quite ready to jump into your new dream. Maybe what’s out there on the horizon is still a little foggy.

That’s OK.

We can be truly hopeful and eager to move the dial without pressuring ourselves to dream a bigger dream. And while we’re being urged to have a Happy New Year, we can take whatever time we need to figure out what that means.

One tool for making this easier to do is to embrace those things that ground you. Return to the basics that feel familiar and that have served you well in the past.

The 7 Rs of the New Year Reset

As you lean into a “New Year Reset,” explore a back-to-basics mindset by considering the following ideas.

Recover from any heartache and loss of 2023 by granting yourself grace and time to heal.

Reexamine your intentions for 2024, not to be confused with goals which don’t get to the heart of what we truly desire.

Resist the habit of sitting mindlessly in front of a screen and allowing the noisy world to overtake you.

Repeat everyday rituals that make you happy, with close attention paid to good food, lots of rest, and as much laughter as possible.

Revisit the wisdom of your teachers… authors, artists, mentors, any or all of the above.

Recommit to movement in whatever ways feel right for your body.

Return to your breath, consciously and often.

Go at Your Own Pace

There are countless ways to get our feet planted firmly on the ground before we step forward into anything new, whether at the start of the year or on any given day. Timing is everything, and we’re allowed to go at our own pace.

Whatever our tempo, reclaiming the “basics” that nourish us gives us the momentum to forge ahead. Recognizing them informs us about how we might navigate the future.

So if you hit Pause during 2023, take another moment. Ask yourself what you know for sure, what next step feels right for you to take.

Then view 2024 as an opportunity to push Play. And what a delightful word to describe clearing the path to Joy so that your dream-of-the-year may find you!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you have some basics that keep you grounded? What you will revisit, repeat, or recommit to as you welcome the new year? Let’s have a conversation!

As an interior designer for the past 35 years, I have had the opportunity to help baby boomers design their first, second and even third homes, their beach houses, mountain retreats, and country cottages. I’ve helped them upsize to larger and larger homes (because that’s what baby boomers did!), and now, at this stage of life, baby boomers are deciding whether to age-in-place, right-size or downsize.

The irony is,
for years I helped my clients upsize and buy more stuff. Now they need help
with downsizing, decluttering and getting rid of all of the stuff they
accumulated or inherited.

Many baby
boomers continue to hold onto the idea that more is better. They struggle with
letting go of the big house they raised their children in, the memories made
around their kitchen table, and the beautiful things they’ve collected over
years.

Yet, many
other boomers are excited about giving all of that up and moving to a smaller,
more manageable home that gives them the opportunity to experience a simpler
life with less stuff so they can finally enjoy their heard earned freedom.

But what happens when one spouse wants to stay in the big house and the
other wants to downsize?

Downsizing Is a Matter of Choice

This might
sound like an impossible scenario where one partner will inevitably get what
he/she wants and the other will have to sacrifice their own wants and needs. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Throughout
my career, I’ve found myself in the middle of these sometimes heated and very
lively conversations, but I have learned to embrace the role of middleman so I
can help both parties win together.

To begin, all couples should know they can “have it all.” All they have
to do is figure out what “having it all” means to them and then determine what
compromises each spouse is willing to make.

As a third
party, I’m not tied to the emotional aspects of the decision, but by walking
them through a series of well-developed questions I can assist them in moving
the discussion forward to a win/win conclusion.

For
couples who find it difficult to come to a decision together, these top 7 tips may
well diffuse the downsizing battle.

Hear Others’ Stories

As a rule, it’s never good to only discuss the matter between yourselves.
Talk with family, friends, and colleagues who have successfully downsized,
right-sized, or have chosen to age-in-place.

Gather
information and learn as much as you can from their experience. Ask them:

• What were their experiences, both good and
  bad?
• How did they come to their conclusion?
• What were some of the obstacles/fears they
  faced? How did they overcome them?
• Are they happy with their decision?
• If they could recommend one thing to assist in
  the decision making process, what might it be?

Talk It Out

Determine and discuss all the reasons why one partner wants to stay and
why the other one wants to go. Each should list:

• Their reasons for wanting
  to stay (memories, neighborhood) or move (more freedom, less stress, new
  lifestyle).
• Their reasons for
  not wanting to move (fear or change and of the unknown) or not wanting to stay
  (difficulty managing around, inability to utilize the space, higher expenses).
• Their questions and concerns and share them with
  their partner.
• What past experiences, both good and bad,
  might be influencing their thinking.
• Which areas they are willing to compromise and
  which they are not.

Know What You Want

Before you step into the process of moving, create a vision for your new
lifestyle. What will your new life look like if you downsize? What will it look
like if you stay in your old home?

Are there similarities between your vision and that of your spouse? Which
areas could you compromise on, i.e., declutter first, rent a smaller place for
a short period of time, etc.

Do Your Due Diligence

Once you
have all the answers figured out, weigh the pros and cons of downsizing or not
downsizing. Don’t forget to analyze the costs associated with

• staying in your existing home (i.e., roof
  replacement, home maintenance, renovation for aging-in-place).
• moving (i.e. buying, renting, moving costs).

Prototype and Try Different Lifestyles

Whatever
your decision, don’t go all in right away. Dip your toe in the water. Experiment
with living in various places that you are curious about by planning a several weeks
long vacation to see if you would like it or not (i.e. city living, community
living, living near family). Most of all, have fun!

Rent for a Period of Time

Keep your
options open. Having a limited time commitment (i.e. renting for a few months)
will help allay your fear of making a change that one or both might regret.

Phase Your Decision by Decluttering Your Existing Home First

Have the
experience of living with less by editing and decluttering your existing home
before you make the decision to downsize.

Sell,
donate and consign items that no longer serve a purpose or that you no longer
want. You may decide to stay a while longer or you might decide to take the
next big step and downsize.

The best
advice to diffuse the dueling downsizing battle is to keep an open mind and
communicate your thoughts by sharing your concerns, as well as, your hopes and
dreams. In the end, what matters most is opening up the conversation to discuss
how you both can design a new life you will love together.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What
appears most difficult when considering downsizing? If you had to make that
decision, would there be mutual agreement? How do you go about compromising
with your spouse? Please share with our audience!

Discovering
who we are isn’t only for teenagers going through trials and tribulations of
identity. As adult life sets in, and we become inundated with the myriad of
responsibilities, we focus on keeping our heads above water. And somewhere
along the line of years passing, we lose sight of ourselves.

We don’t
know who we are beyond our roles of life that we’ve taken on. Professional,
parent, caregiver, spouse, nurturer, they all take on a life of their own and
we lose our core selves.

What do we
like and enjoy? What are we interested in? What are our dreams and passions?

If we’re
lucky, we’ve been able to live at least some of them out in our work and home
life. But more often than not, our love of painting, piano-playing or dancing
went by the wayside as life kept pushing us along.

When I
give workshops, all too often people come up to me and say, “I don’t even know what
I’m interested in at this point or what I’d like to pursue if I had the time. If
I think back many years, I used to (fill in the blank).”

Sometimes people
can’t even connect to any interests or old dreams from the past. It’s one big
blur.

Comments
like: “I used to love,” “I used to do,” “I used to…,” “I would love to,” “I
wish I could,” “Wow, I haven’t done that in years” are all too common, and sad
to me.

Much of
our ‘old’ and past selves can be found sitting on a back burner where we feel
we haven’t been able to touch it, let alone even find it. So, it’s time now
to go to the back, seek it out and bring it forth.

But how? How
do we rediscover and reconnect with ourselves?

Questions to Ask Yourself

Here are
some questions you
should ask yourself on your journey to rediscovery:

• What truly matters to me? What’s important to me?
  What is meaningful to me?
• What do I value? Am I living into my values
  and priorities?
• What excites and enlivens me?
• What do I want to do, that I would regret if I
  don’t?
• What did I used to enjoy that hasn’t been a
  part of my life?
• What makes me feel good and nourished?

An Exercise That You Can Do Periodically Is Happiness Boosters

As a free
stream of consciousness, write down any and all things that you love, like,
enjoy, that bring you pleasure. These are called Happiness Boosters, and they
can be as small as smelling lavender, sipping hot chocolate with your hands
wrapped around that funky mug, to traveling, photography, playing tennis. Then
pick one or two things from your list and input it into your daily life.

It’s Not an All-Or-Nothing

As the
French philosopher Voltaire said, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the
good.” If you love to travel but can’t go to that far-away bucket-list place,
then go to a cute B&B away from your hometown for that get-away feeling.

If you
love horseback riding but can’t do it anymore, go to a stable and just be with
the horses. There’s always pieces of what we love that we can (re)claim and
enrich our lives.

“Make a list of things you love.
Make a list of things you do everyday.
Compare the lists.
Adjust accordingly.”

— Dallas Clayton

When we
live into our truest selves, we live rich and good lives. As years pass, our
selves get covered over with criss-crossed webs, entangled and snarled, and we
need to get in there and free our self up, reconnecting with our best self, one
who can live well with meaning and joy.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What activities do
you enjoy that you haven’t engaged in for a while? What do you realize has
fallen by the wayside that you’d love to get back, even a bit of it? What would
you like a chance at? Could you do a piece of it? Please share your thoughts
with our community.

December 17, 2023, was the 2nd anniversary of my retirement. “The Road Ahead: I Just Retired” and “One Year Later, the Road Ahead: I Just Retired,” provide a snapshot of my retirement journey through this time last year. My retirement anniversary conveniently arrives just before the annual tradition of setting resolutions for the New Year.

I thought, why not use my retirement anniversary to conduct an annual “retirement self-performance review”? I know it sounds like the antithesis of a chilled-out retirement vibe, but hear me out. Soul-searching and honesty with oneself can be beneficial.

Using an altered version of the typical performance review format from my working days, I came up with the questions below. If you choose to take part, you can use them or create your own. Even better, write your answers on paper, which may help you identify essential truths and avoid getting stuck in your default narratives.

6 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. What feels satisfying about my life in retirement?
2. Is there a void where I’m not living in alignment with my purpose, values, and goals?
3. What’s the status of important relationships in my life?
4. How are my finances?
5. What is the status of my health?
6. Do I need a course correction to cultivate my ideal version of retirement?

Honestly answering the questions above may help you learn to appreciate the things going well in your retirement and to identify (and change) things you’re not happy with. Below is a short version of my answers and associated thoughts two-years into my retirement.

What Deep Satisfaction Did I Experience This Year?

I love to travel, and this was a big travel year for me, as in international travel. I was fortunate enough to enjoy an amazing trip to Japan. Best of all, it wasn’t a destination on my bucket list, although it should have been. If interested, you can read about my journey at Wanderlust in Japan and Elsewhere.

And the jewel in the crown, I took a dream trip to Italy this past fall, which I’ve yet to write about. One of the best things about it was that I planned a 21-day custom itinerary from start to finish based on my pace and preferences. I researched and booked airline tickets, hotels, tours, and everything! Better yet, my plans flowed well and my partner and I had a wonderful Italian adventure!

For many, that may not sound like a big deal. For me it was, because historically when I’ve traveled abroad, I booked through a tour group. Why? Two main reasons: (1.) I felt intimidated by the prospect of planning the trip myself, and (2.) I was afraid of navigating alone in a foreign country; it was easier and felt safer to travel in a group.

All said and done, I felt great satisfaction stepping out of my comfort zone and overcoming my self-limitations. It represented personal growth for me. Yes, it was a lot of work, and there’s nothing wrong with traveling abroad via a tour group. The good news is, the means of travel I choose in the future will be a free choice, rather than one based on my fears.

The Void: What’s Out of Whack?

Mostly, I lived up to my current vision of retirement, finding a good balance between productivity and relaxation. Although, I experienced more days that felt like repeats. Feeling stuck in a rut, I suppose. Why is this feeling occurring more often?

Also, I’ve always thought there might be a book in me. Not a brilliant book, but a book, and I wanted to pursue trying to write one in retirement. I thought I would have at least started writing it by now, but I haven’t. No doubt in my mind, I’m procrastinating. Why? I have yet to find the answer to that.

Relationship Status?

I feel ok about my relationships, although I believe there’s always room for improvement. There is a strong consensus that maintaining social ties is an important part of healthy aging. That’s debatable if you’re an introvert, but I think it’s quality rather than quantity that matters most. Isolation is not healthy and can contribute to depression.

How Are My Finances?

I normally manage my finances well, living within my means. Although this year, I allowed myself to splurge on the two international trips I mentioned, sharing costs with my partner. Finances do matter, but we don’t live in a vacuum. My sweet parents left this world too early, without the opportunity to enjoy their retirement. This highly motivates me to strike a reasonable balance between fiscal responsibility and spending on the things that bring me joy.

What Is the Status of My Health?

I mostly eat healthy, that is, unless I’m traveling, the holidays arrive, or I pass by the bakery that makes my favorite snickerdoodles! Eating healthy and getting enough exercise is another cornerstone of healthy aging. At the least, evidence seems to support that all of us can benefit by tweaking our diet to add more fruit and vegetables while reducing or eliminating processed foods and sugar. I know, easier said than done.

Getting enough exercise is always a challenge for me, but I try. When I eat well and exercise regularly, I sleep better and feel better. I have less digestive issues and my osteoarthritis improves. Shoot for moderate-intensity activity, such as brisk walking, or 75 minutes a week of a vigorous-intensity activity, such as hiking, jogging, or running. At least 2 days a week of strength training is great, and practice activities to improve balance, such as standing on one foot.

What Is My Course for the Upcoming Year?

I’m still figuring it out, but I’ll congratulate myself for recognizing and pursuing what brings me joy, purpose, and well-being. I also hope to explore ways in which I can be of more service to others based on my unique, God-given talents.

For the things that feel out of sync, I’ll dig deeper to uncover their underlying causes. I can choose to release anything that doesn’t serve me and prioritize what truly matters. I’m a firm believer in making a list of my goals, breaking them down into smaller goals, then taking baby steps towards achieving them.

The next time your retirement anniversary rolls around, perhaps you’ll consider conducting a “retirement self-performance review.” Until then, Happy Holidays to all!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you happy in your retirement? Do you periodically evaluate how you’re doing and set new goals? Do you think it’s important to do so?

Something made me think about ambition recently. Did I feel it was a good or bad thing in people, especially my friends? The answer is complicated.

The Pros

On initial thinking, I tended to feel that ambition, when not taken to extremes, is a good thing.

It doesn’t matter whether a person’s aim is to be the best composer of the age or to reach the top job of his or her company (or the country, for that matter).

It makes us work harder at what we do and put real thought into how to do It better.

Indeed, although I lack appropriate evidence, ambition of one kind or another is probably responsible for most forms of human progress.

We seek to get there, so we seek new solutions. We often find new problems as we do so and seek solutions for them. And so forth and so on.

Progress gets made.

The Cons

But there are also unintended consequences of ambition. It drives us on, but it also drives us to neglect other aspects of our lives. Not in every case, but often.

Hence, the large number of unhappy wives – or, I hasten to add, husbands – and neglected children. Not to mention the good friends never made.

It is all well known. You have heard it all before.

Ambition also tends to drive us to want to be seen as successful.

Of course, there are people everywhere who quietly succeed in their endeavours without any need to blow their own trumpet. But that is not the most common pattern.

And this makes for a heightened emotional atmosphere much of the time.

It is not simply a quiet barbecue among friends – it is a chance for each successful person to let the others know about the triumphs in their lives. The same goes on at dinner parties or down at the pub. It is human nature to let others know.

Again, you have heard it all before.

As Ambition Comes to a Natural End

But what happens when ambition dries up or simply comes to a natural end?

You composed that amazing symphony or made it to the top of the greasy pole. Perhaps there is another symphony to be written or another pole to climb.

But eventually, whether satisfied or not, you reach the point where you slow down or stop altogether. You look around and start to think about other things and other people.

And, alongside such changes, you probably become nicer.

Being Nice

It was my mother who noticed it first, years ago. She and my father had moved into a new retirement home and, after a suitable interval, I asked what the other people were like.

She said old people tended to be very nice, especially men, because they no longer had so much ambition. I can’t remember whether she elaborated hugely on the comment, but it made me think.

Niceness is an under-rated virtue. The very word somehow implies something innocuous and uninteresting. We value it in our friends, of course, but it is rarely on the top of the attributes we commend in people.

We tend to note their talents or their achievements and niceness is seen as an add-on, something that comes along with other attributes.

But the older I get, the more I see the importance of this quality – it represents thoughtfulness, kindness and a willingness to go the extra mile.

It does not bring any kudos, but it makes the world a so much more agreeable place.

My parents’ retirement home was full of professional people. There were said to be 17 former doctors, including three or four brain surgeons.

There were former journalists, former teachers and, surprisingly, quite a few moderately successful artists. But the emphasis was on the word ‘former’.

Yes, some of the writers were still writing and some of the artists were still painting, but on the whole, they had moved on.

And in the course of doing so, they had become just ‘people’.

Once ambition is removed from a person’s thinking, the landscape changes. Other people are not some form of competition, but just someone with whom to complain about the terrible weather.

You share a beer or a glass of wine and talk about football or the book you are reading. Even when you talk about more contentious issues, such as politics, it is other people’s success or failure you are talking about.

It is a big change!

The Joys of Growing Older

So, one of the real joys of growing older is the diminishing ambition of everyone you meet.

Yes, people still complain. Yes, people still talk about themselves, whether their own latest health crisis or their excitement over a new grandchild.

But it is so restful when the matter of status has been removed.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you feel about ambition? Have your views changed over the years? Do you think you are still ambitious?