Month: March 2024

Dating? Ok, just go with me here. Stay with me. This is about dating. I’m a sports fan – I hit Spring Training on Sunday in Florida with the Red Sox and Yankees and watched my team wipe out the opponent. And now I’m caught up in March Madness and was glued to multiple channels a few nights ago. And saw some things that reminded me of dating. (After over 25 years of being a dating coach, I can compare any sport to dating… you’ll probably hear me write soon about my idol Messi and comparing soccer to dating).

Is online dating a long shot? I don’t think so.

As I watched long odds Oakland University from Michigan (who?) take down #3 seed Kentucky, I thought of all those fairy tales… in dating and sports. Remember when the Red Sox were down 3 games to nothing in the World Series and came back to win the next 4?

So, How Is This Similar to Dating?

Reaching for the Long Shot

It’s tempting to always date the same type (same look, same ethnicity, same job, etc.) as you have in the past but those long shots (different ethnicity, look, hobbies, career) can sometimes pay off in a huge way.

The upset/the surprise. Maybe you didn’t find your Prince Charming in the first round, but the dance is just beginning.

Listen To Your Dating Coach – Not Your Friends

Oakland walked on the court knowing public opinion was against them, but it didn’t stop these men. The Oakland coach has been there for 40 years – and finally scored. And then I have clients who after two weeks on an online app or dating site want to throw in the towel – when the magic could be right around the corner. 40 years! Hey, you can meet someone in 3-6 months online with the right strategy.

Attitude Matters

Positive attitudes can take you all the way to the final four… or more. I can tell when I talk to a new client on the phone what their odds are most of the time – so much comes from their mindset. And, if they don’t have that, I do my darndest to change their attitude.

Steve, a client of mine in Los Angeles, in his 60s, generally dated the LA stereotype model, aspiring actress, etc. I found a pretty nurse and he said, no way’’. But I’m pretty convincing and said, “What the heck, Steve? It’s only a date.” Vanessa (the nurse) and Steve just got back from a trip to Seville, Spain, and he called to ask me if it was too soon to propose. Oh, happy day for me. (and Steve).

Only Making Safe Bets? Time to Go Out on the Ledge

Janet, 61, an NYC client was only dating the Wall Street types. She was also married to one. While looking through potential dates online, I saw Mark, a fireman/stand-up comedian, and she said I was crazy. But I liked his midwestern values and his sense of humor. Janet is super witty with an infectious laugh.

“Try him,” I said. His profile was well-written, down-to-earth, humble, and sincere. He was adorable from what I could see on paper. Janet texted to thank me this week, and said she’d never laughed so hard in her life or felt warm butterflies each time she saw him. Date 5 coming up Saturday. Long shot yes. But what did she have to lose except an hour of her time?

You Don’t Quit in the First Round

Sometimes it’s a windy road with unexpected surprises. Month one online she might not have been there – and suddenly new people pop up in week 5 or week 7.

You pick an underdog as your boyfriend or girlfriend – chances are they are going to work harder for your trust and love. Nobody wants a cocky ball hog.

My Own Story

Last night, Jeff (my fiancée who I met over a year ago online) told me I was Kentucky and he was Oakland. The underdog. No, I disagree – he’s not the underdog but he’s definitely not the stereotype I looked for online. But when I read his profile, I sent him a message.

Other men that I reached out to always commented on looks or what I did professionally. Not this guy. His message back to me read, “You know why I’d like to have lunch with you? Not because you’ve sold multiple companies but that you host Thanksgiving for 40 people each year and do all the cooking. That’s pretty amazing.”

I sort of fell in love with that message as family and friends are my number one priority. And he was a hundred to one shot. He was my 2023 FAU. (The surprise team from last year who I ranked high in my betting pools this year.)

I like long shots. Many things I have done career-wise and in life have been long shots.

Take a chance. You could be Oakland and find that person of your dreams.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you like long shots – in sports and dating? Have you adopted a “can do” and “I beat the odds” attitude or do you give up easily? What do you expect from online dating and are you ready to do things a bit differently?

Did you know that you’re more attractive when you’re out in nature? It’s like a beauty makeover from Mother Nature herself.

And this is why. It’s all about blood flow and the amazing symphony it creates in your body.

Your automatic nervous system is always in party or playground mode – balancing the see-saw between fight/flight and rest/digest. It’s like a dance, and a teeter totter – both moves are essential.

Fight vs. Rest Mode

When you are rushing around – for example, in your house working (cleaning, cooking, organizing) or doing some stressful computer work – your blood rushes to your arms and legs, away from your head, core, and the rest of your body. This is called the fight-flight side of your autonomic nervous system.

But then, when you’re doing anything at all in green space, the rest and digest side takes over. Now, why does this matter? Well, in rest and digest mode, blood flows to the good stuff – your head, your heart, your core, and, yes, even your private parts. Your genital system gets a boost, making you more attractive to others, and others more attractive to you – a win-win situation!

Nature Is a Smile Booster

And you smile more when you are outside in green spaces (no wonder). Your thinking loosens when you are outside, so you are more open to new and fun ideas. This alone makes you more attractive to others. Plus, as the green space science shows your heart rate slows down and so does your breathing.

Your rest and digest system soothes your mind and body. No wonder green space science shows that you are happier and more generous when you are outside in nature. For more research on how your time in green space has widespread effects throughout your body, please check out my latest book, Optimize Your Heart Rate: Balance Your Mind and Body With Green Space.

But Wait, There’s More!

Your sphincter muscles (the ones holding in your secrets, like when you gotta go) decide to relax, and your bladder gets a gentle squeeze to help you out. It’s like your body’s saying, “Hey, let’s let it all go.” So here is where it is handy to know where the outdoor bathrooms are or how to do the same outside.

And the fun doesn’t stop there. When you rest and digest system takes over, tears flow for eye lubrication (and maybe a bit for that emotional touch), your nose runs (bring a handkerchief), and your pupils get the memo for better sleep.

A Whole-Body Makeover

In a nutshell, being outside isn’t just a beauty boost – it’s a whole-body makeover. So, grab those snow boots and dance in the snow. Nature’s beauty secret is waiting for you, and it’s the kind of makeover that gives you moves beyond the dance floor.

For more science based information on what spending time outside does for your heart and nervous system, please listen to my podcast Your Outside Mindset Episode 32 with Professor Andy Jones titled, “Green Space Consistently provides a 20% reduction in Bad Things – If We Had a Pill for That We’d Take it.’’

In my nursing world, we use the following language to describe the effect of the rest-digest system. The parasympathetic nervous system exerts its effects on the autonomically controlled organs of the head, thorax, abdomen, and pelvis – but not the limbs or skin.

We are all unaware of the automatic processes that carry on in our minds and bodies when our nervous system comes back into balance when we are outside in nature. Just knowing this green space science will help your brain to believe this and for you to become aware of all the gifts that nature gives to you and yours. All you have to do is get there – and find small ways to protect it so it is always there for you and for your grandchildren.

Also read, UNVEILING NATURE’S POWER: A WEDDING SPEECH FOR MILLENNIALS’ WELL-BEING.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you feel more attractive when you are outside? Have you noticed that you smile more and that others smile at you? Do you feel more open, relaxed, or free when you are outside in nature? Please share a small thing that you do to help protect nature.

As a life coach, I always find myself guiding others through the twists and turns of life. Yet, there are moments when even I am left struggling with the sheer randomness and cruelty that life can throw our way. Recently, the news of a friend’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis at the tender age of 58 shook me to my core, igniting a storm of questions about purpose, fate, and the incomprehensible workings of the universe or a higher power.

In times like these, when nothing seems to make sense, it’s essential to acknowledge the depth of our emotions and the complexity of our thoughts. Here are some strategies that I’ve found helpful and share with my clients in navigating through the haze of confusion and finding a semblance of peace amidst the chaos:

Allow Yourself to Feel

When faced with a situation that defies logic or reason, it’s natural to experience a range of emotions, from shock and disbelief to anger and sorrow. Allow yourself the space to feel these emotions without judgment or suppression. Embracing our vulnerabilities is the first step toward healing.

It’s Okay to Be Angry

Anger is a valid and natural response to injustice, suffering, and the unfairness of life. Whether directed toward the universe, a higher power, or the world at large, allow yourself to acknowledge and express your anger. It’s a powerful emotion that can fuel change and propel you toward healing.

Seek Meaning in the Unexplainable

While we may never fully understand the reasons behind certain events, we can choose to find meaning in our experiences. Reflect on the lessons that adversity has taught you, the strength it has cultivated within you, or the growth opportunities that may arise from hardship.

Practice Acceptance

Acceptance does not imply resignation or approval of the situation; rather, it involves acknowledging reality as it is, without resistance or denial. Acceptance liberates us from the futile pursuit of answers to unanswerable questions and empowers us to focus our energy on what we can control.

Connect with Others

In moments of uncertainty, it’s important to lean on the support of friends, family, or a trusted community. Sharing our struggles with others not only lessens the burden but also reminds us that we are not alone in our journey.

Find Solace in Spirituality or Philosophy

Whether through prayer, meditation, or philosophical contemplation, exploring questions of meaning and existence can provide solace and perspective in times of confusion. Engage in practices that resonate with your beliefs and offer a sense of connection to something greater than yourself.

Focus on the Present Moment

When overwhelmed by thoughts of the past or worries about the future, ground yourself in the present moment. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice mindfulness or gratitude, and cultivate an appreciation for the beauty and wonder that surrounds you here and now.

Seek Professional Support

If feelings of confusion or distress persist, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance from a therapist, counselor, or mental health professional. They can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore your emotions without judgment.

As we grow older, our sense of mortality becomes increasingly tangible, casting a shadow over our perceptions of the world and our place within it. In the face of life’s unpredictability, the weight of existential questions can feel especially burdensome, amplifying our frustrations and fears. It’s during these moments that the insignificance of trivialities becomes starkly apparent, as we grapple with the stark contrast between the fragility of life and the triviality of everyday concerns.

The realization that nothing makes sense can hit us harder as we age, as we become more acutely aware of our vulnerability to fate. By focusing on what we can control – our thoughts, actions, and attitudes – we reclaim a sense of “control” in a world that often feels beyond our grasp. Whether through nurturing meaningful relationships, pursuing passions that bring us joy, or practicing self-care and mindfulness, we can find solace and empowerment amid life’s chaos. By acknowledging our anger, embracing our vulnerabilities, and taking deliberate steps to cultivate resilience, we can navigate through uncertainty with grace, courage, and compassion.

It’s important to remember that you are resilient, capable, and worthy of love and support. By embracing the journey, allowing yourself to feel anger, finding meaning in the inexplicable, and leaning on the strength of community, we can navigate through even the darkest of times and emerge stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than before.

A Memory I’ve Kept

In times when nothing seems to make sense I am reminded of an exchange with a priest during my mother’s wake, where he shared an analogy that has stayed with me over the years. He likened life to a tapestry, suggesting that while on earth, we can only witness the tangled underside of its creation – a mess of threads, knots, and weavings.

However, he offered reassurance that in the afterlife, we would finally see the masterpiece in its entirety, where everything would make sense and we would marvel at its beauty. At the time, I struggled to find solace in his words, especially considering the diversity of beliefs among those present. Yet, as time passed, I came to accept his message not as a promise of clarity, but as a reminder that understanding isn’t always immediate. It’s a journey toward acceptance, where we find peace amidst life’s uncertainties.

Stuck with Emotions

As I continue to struggle with my friend’s diagnosis, I am not yet ready to take my own advice and the steps I have shared with you. I find myself stuck in a web of emotions, including lingering anger that simmers beneath the surface.

I realize that this anger may persist for some time, and I am honoring it as a natural part of my healing journey. While I may not be ready to fully embrace acceptance just yet, I recognize that it will come in its own time, as I gradually release the grip of anger and allow space for understanding and peace to unfold.

In the meantime, I am committed to supporting my friend with compassion, cherishing each moment we share. Through this process, I am reminded of the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of love in the face of life’s greatest challenges.

Remember – it’s natural and acceptable to feel that life sucks, especially when faced with overwhelming challenges or heart-wrenching circumstances. While some may offer well-intentioned platitudes about how things could always be worse, the logical mind recognizes this as little more than a temporary bandage on a gaping wound.

Acknowledging the possibility of a worse scenario doesn’t diminish the very real pain and frustration of the present. It’s okay to sit with the discomfort of feeling like life is unfair or cruel, to grieve the losses and setbacks, and to validate our emotions without comparing them to hypothetical scenarios. In honoring the depth of our struggles, we permit ourselves to heal authentically and to find the strength to persevere, one day at a time.

“Nothing that grieves us can be called little; by the external laws of proportion a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same size.”
—Mark Twain, ‘Which Was the Dream?’

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you feel life isn’t fair sometimes? How do you pull through such thoughts? What negative event have you been grappling with lately?

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Originally posted at: Emily Simpson’s Belted Denim Mini Dress

We live in a grief illiterate society. We don’t like talking about death, the most certain and inevitable life event; and the one that comes to the forefront of our minds when we talk about grief. But grief shows itself around any and all losses. We grieve a break-up of a relationship, a divorce, an illness, a disability, retirement, empty-nesting, and more of life’s natural and critical transitions.

We don’t do well around sadness, our own or others’. We want to immediately jump in to make them, or ourselves feel better. We have good intentions, but we are uncomfortable around emotional pain. We often bring in a flair of cheeriness, a host of platitudes like, “You’ll get over it,” or a wave of “This too shall pass.”

Whether we feel vulnerable or it hits too close to home, we deflect to try to make it better. But better for whom? It’s when we sit with another’s pain, or our own, and allow for the deeply sad feelings to be felt that comfort and healing eventually comes.

As the saying goes, “You can’t heal what you don’t feel.” We have to go through the pain to come through it. And as Brene Brown says, “Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.”

Let’s look at a few myths around grief that need debunking so we can better serve our loved ones in their time of loss and grief, and so that we are better prepared to deal with our own grief.

Myth #1: Grief Is a Problem to Be Fixed

It is not a problem to be solved; it is a natural life occurrence that needs to be processed. Grief needs to be given a voice. And so we sit with the difficult feelings, as much as we’d like to shove them aside; and we sit and witness the other’s pain.

Myth #2: Grief Comes in Stages

The five stages of grief as set forth by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross are not linear. And not everyone experiences them all. It is not a rigid formula for working through the pain. One can go through some or all of them at any point in time, in any order.

Myth #3: Grief Is Grief and Looks the Same in All

Although grief is universal, how one goes through it is very individual. There is no one right way to do it. What is for all is that it does need to be felt and gone through. Ignoring it will not help it go away. To assume that if one is not crying, then they must be doing fine, couldn’t be further from the truth. Many tears are shed on the inside and many only cry in private.

Myth #4: Grief Is Eventually Gotten Over

There is no official end point to grief. We don’t get over it. We don’t move on; we move forward with it. We carry the loss and love with us forever. There’s no closure to grief. It changes with time. The puzzle piece remains missing and empty within us. We don’t look to replace it. Rather we grow around the hole, expanding our lives, taking along our loved one.

Myth #5: Grief Has a Calendar

Comments like, “It’s been a year, aren’t you over it yet?” or, “The second year should be much easier,” can feel dismissive and alienating. There is no timetable for grief. For many the first year is the hardest; for many others the second and third year can be brutal when the distractions of the concrete work are done, and the emotions come crashing through.

Myth #6: Grief Means No Joy or Laughter

We can hold pain and joy together. One doesn’t preclude the other. And if one is experiencing some enjoyment, it doesn’t mean grief is done and can be dismissed as, “They’re over it and have moved on” (see point 4). As the sun peeks through the clouds, we allow for moments of smiles, laughter and joy to move us. It lets us know we’re still alive. Our loved ones would not want us to die with them.

Myth #7: Grief Wants to Talk About the Loss

We tend to not want to bring the elephant out of the closet. As if we’d be reminding the griever to feel bad again. I always remember a friend telling me how when people invited him out for meals the first year after his wife died and he’d bring her up in conversation, everyone would immediately change the subject. Plans for their new kitchen, gossip about someone else would fill in their awkwardness. It left him feeling bereft and more alone. Now whose discomfort was that??

I invite us to step out of our comfort zone and tune in to another’s grief, be with others where they’re at, invite in and be a witness to grief; and become attuned listeners without bringing it back to oneself. The greatest gift we can give someone is our complete attention focused solely on them.

You may find this video helpful:

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you experienced any of the myths of grief? Which one was the most difficult to understand for yourself? And for others’?