Month: December 2024

I hate to brag, but I consider myself a world-class thrifter and consignment shop guru. It’s all I can do to contain myself when a psychotherapy client tells me about their thrifting adventures – I want to trade stories of our conquests and even run up to my closet for a quick show and tell.

Luckily, I have been able to resist that urge in my 30 or so years of being a psychotherapist. I did have an awkward moment when I realized my client was wearing a pair of shoes I had consigned earlier that season.

She was showing them off, and it occurred to me that situations like these were never discussed in grad school seminars on how to be an effective psychotherapist.

My Favorite Shop

So, with my passion for all things thrifty, it’s very fortunate that there’s a lovely, classy, cheerful consignment shop not far from my home. The shop owner, Fran, has a great eye and even brings back treasures when she travels to Italy to visit her family.

Fran only accepts stylish clothes that are often more fashion-forward than I can pull off comfortably. She works with my quiet style. She has dressed me for events, and sometimes I realize that every single piece of clothing I am wearing is from her shop.

I was on a local TV show once and thought it appropriate that there should be some kind of caption: Clothes Provided by EcoChic Boutique Consignment. You probably don’t see that too often.

How Could I Resist?

A few days ago, I found myself in Fran’s lovely shop, looking through the dedicated Eileen Fisher rack. Picking up some great wardrobe staples, I went up to the register to pay.

A flash of color grabbed my eye. A bucket handbag in an impossibly vibrant and beautiful shade of lilac stared back at me. Was it… pebbled leather? With a slouchy boho shape? I asked Fran to bring it down from the shelf. I was getting a little breathless.

Fran stated knowingly, “This is such a Nicole color.” Indeed. Almost everything she’s sold me is black or a version of plum.

Yes, It’s Real Leather

Did I need a new purse? Of course not. I’m loving my new modified minimalist lifestyle of less is more. I’m preaching the benefits of non-consumption. And yet. I looked at the price tag. $45. For a Coach leather satchel?

It looked new! It must be synthetic. I asked Fran about the quality. She was a bit taken back. “Yes,” she said, with a confused look on her face. “It’s real Italian great quality leather.” You know what came next.

Do the Math

As she was ringing up my purchases, I was surprised by the total, which was higher than I expected. I kept adding up the items in my head, which is not that effective when you have an undocumented learning disability in math. I couldn’t figure out why the total got so high. It felt a bit unsettling.

I trundled back to my car, accompanied by my lovely lilac slouchy bag, and took out my dime store reading glasses. No. Lovely bag was not $45. It was $95. My denial about needing reading glasses got the best of me. It wasn’t the first time.

What Happened?

Why didn’t I use my readers? Was it laziness? Embarrassment? Pride? Facing the truth that my eyes, which have always been great, are aging?

I got my great eyesight from my dad, and I’ve been proud of it; it’s served me very well. It’s one thing to get grey hair, but to start losing your eyesight is really tough for me to accept.

But I better find a way, unless I want to end up buying many more purses!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s the trickiest part of aging for you? Have you had any surprise symptoms? Do share your stories in the comments below.

This year’s holiday is extra special for their family.

With the holiday season in full swing, my house is decorated, cookies baked, gifts wrapped, and holiday cards sent. With one final thing to check off my list, I saved the most challenging for last – buying a Christmas present for my dear husband.

Finding the right gift for him isn’t easy. When I probe to get ideas, he delivers the same speech each year, “I don’t need anything, so I don’t want you to buy me anything. Just get me a can of nuts.”

The Panic of Fear

With the 12 days of Christmas countdown quickly approaching, I started to fear I’d have nothing to give him. And then, one morning while we were enjoying breakfast at a beachside café, I realized the perfect gift had been right in front of me all along.

As I bit into a warm, sweet pastry, my husband smiled and told me that I would have loved his Mom’s cinnamon rolls. A hint of sadness peeked through his expression, “I really miss her sometimes.”

Sadly, his Mom, Mrs. Murphy, passed away a few years ago, and for the longest time he barely mentioned her name. But for some reason, on that chilly morning, he felt comfortable reminiscing about her funny idiosyncrasies, her love for wildlife, and the adventures inside the Murphy home.

Finding Inspiration in Sad Eyes

My heart broke for him as I saw his strong Irish eyes show a vulnerability I don’t see very often. And with that, I thought of something that would bring him joy – a new family tradition – adding his Mom’s cinnamon rolls to our Christmas morning breakfast.

As excited as I was to share the idea with him, I decided to keep quiet. The challenge was getting a hold of the recipe. Heck, I didn’t even know if it existed. His sister, Patricia, would know.

She responded to my don’t-tell-your-brother e-mail with bad news, “I’m out of town until the New Year.” But the note ended with a glimmer of hope. She’d asked her neighbor to go to her house and take a look around.

The Recipe Search

Mrs. Murphy’s spirit must have helped in the search because the very next day, Patricia sent a scanned copy of the recipe, written in his Mom’s handwriting. It was fantastic.

She had keywords underlined and asterisks emphasizing key points – test with two fingers, grease pan, double in size, warm to the arm. She even drew a picture of a rectangular shape of the type of pan to cook the rolls in.

I was overjoyed, knowing the happiness this gift would bring my husband. As I looked at the recipe, I wondered if I would be able to find a designer to turn it into a piece of wall art to hang on our kitchen wall.

Naturally, I turned to Google. Within minutes, I was on the phone with a local company discussing what I had in mind. To make his present extra special, I wanted to include a facsimile note in his Mom’s handwriting.

Excitingly, I was told this could be done quickly by pulling the individual letters from the handwritten recipe. Wanting to keep the note genuine, it took me over an hour to find the perfect eight words Mrs. Murphy might have written.

Joe,

A little taste of home.

Love, Mom

As a last-minute thought, I had the designer add a photo of my husband’s Mom and Dad (on their wedding day) as well as fun images of cinnamon rolls and cinnamon sticks. It was perfect.

The next day, I picked up the incredible creation, had it framed, wrapped it in shiny holiday paper and placed it under our Christmas tree.

As much as I would love to tell you how this story ends, I can’t. I’m writing this blog before Christmas. What I can do is share my plan of action. On the morning of the 25^th, I’m going to bake Mrs. Murphy’s cinnamon rolls without telling my husband I’m attempting to make his Mom’s recipe.

I hope that he’ll recognize the taste and say something like, “You know, these taste a little like my Mom’s.” I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the taste is similar. At that point, I’m going to hand him the present.

Enriching My Husband’s Life

For me, giving a gift to my husband has nothing to do with how much it costs. It has to do with giving him something that will enrich his life in some way.

This year, I’m taking his loss and turning it into his gain. And best of all, the memory of his Mother will be hanging on our kitchen wall for him to feel connected to her all year long.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What kind of sentimental gifts have you given to your partner? What lengths are you willing to go to so that you gift him (or her) something special and memorable? Let’s chat about our stories below!

This year’s holiday is extra special for their family.

Some call it “the happiest time of the year,” but it can feel like jingle hell for others.

The holiday season has always been a time of joy and celebration, when families come together to share laughter, love, and create lasting memories.

Celebrating or Mourning?

But for those who have lost a loved one, the holidays can be an especially challenging and painful time, a stark contrast to the joy and celebration of this season. While many come together to share good times, others gather to make funeral arrangements or to attend funerals.

As a funeral director, I have witnessed the complex emotions and unique struggles that grieving families face during this time. In the early years of my career, it was not unusual for wakes to be held on Christmas Day. I recall spending the holiday in the funeral home with grieving families who saw it as spending their last Christmas together with a loved one. The pain was palpable, but so was the sense of togetherness and unity among the families.

These days, Christmas Day visitations in the funeral home are rare, but I witness the complex emotions and unique struggles that grieving families face during this time.

Redefining Traditions

They often grapple with whether to carry on with the festivities or shroud the holiday season in sorrow. Some choose to redefine their traditions, altering them to honor the memory of their loved ones. They light a special candle, hang a personalized ornament on the tree, or set aside a place at the table for their departed loved one.

These acts serve as a way to include their loved ones in the celebrations and as a source of comfort and connection to what they have lost. It’s a beautiful way to keep their memory alive and feel their presence during the holidays.

Still, for others, the holiday season serves as a painful reminder of the empty chair at the dinner table, the absence of a loved one’s laughter, or the void left by their touch. The colorful lights, cheerful carols, and bustling shopping malls only serve to highlight the emptiness that death has left behind. The living not only mourn the loss of a loved one but also grieve the loss of the traditions and festivities they once shared. The joy and excitement of the season are replaced by a bittersweet nostalgia, a constant reminder of what used to be.

Those Who Grieve Need Understanding

The expectations of other people often complicate the grieving process during the holidays. Friends and family, eager to spread cheer, may inadvertently overlook the needs of the bereaved. Invitations to holiday parties and cheery greetings can feel like salt in an open wound.

Grieving families find themselves trapped in a web of unspoken sorrow, longing for understanding and support from those around them. It’s crucial to check in on the bereaved, to offer understanding and a listening ear as they traverse the complex emotions that intertwine with the holiday season’s joy and grief.

Grieving during the holidays is a deeply personal and nuanced journey. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to navigate this difficult time; each person’s experience is unique. They must find their own path through the festive lights and shimmering decorations. Creating a new tradition can be a helpful way to keep the spirit of loved ones alive during the holiday season. It may also bring a sense of comfort and peace amidst the pain of loss.

Ideas for Working Through Grief During the Holidays

1. Attend a support group. Connecting with others who have experienced similar loss can provide a sense of community and understanding.
2. Hang a special ornament on the tree.
3. Donate to a charity in the deceased’s name. Consider causes that were important to your loved one. This can give the act of donation a more personal and meaningful touch.
4. Hang a stocking on the mantel in their honor.
5. Prepare the deceased’s favorite food and set a place at the table for them.
6. Make a special toast in their name.
7. Wrap a gift for your loved one.
8. Tell a favorite holiday story about them.
9. Be comforted by your faith.
10. Attend a remembrance service. Funeral homes and cemeteries often have them.
11. Visit the cemetery. Many decorate the grave with holiday floral blankets or wreaths.
12. For the new year, strive to embody their best qualities.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Does this make the holiday celebrations more difficult? What would be more helpful to have this time of year to make it easier?