Every parent hopes their children will have close relationships with one another as they age. It’s comforting to know that as you age, they have each other to count on (and even complain to about you).
They may have:
- Conspired with
- Covered for
- Given advice to
- Even taken advantage of
each other over the years, but whether they’ve stayed close or grown apart, there’s no getting around the fact that relationships between siblings can be among the longest-lasting and most influential they’ll ever experience.
However, as siblings grow older, their relationships can change. As parents, we pray they become closer, sharing their lives and families with each other. But sometimes, things go the other way, and they grow apart as all the distractions of adulthood set in.
The way we relate to people is an evolving process. It continues to change as we age and is influenced by many factors, including life experiences, romantic partners, job choices, life decisions, family dynamics, and individual personalities.
Relationships between siblings aren’t immune to these influences.
This means that even if they were close as children, adult siblings can dislike one another, have painful disagreements, or become estranged. The opposite can be true as well – siblings that weren’t close when younger can become close as adults.
This can leave you as the parent of adult children feeling sad, caught in the middle, and unsure how to help.
So, how does a parent actually parent their adult kids, particularly when they don’t get along?
When They’re Too Old for a Time Out
It’s no secret that as children grow into adults, your role as a parent shifts significantly.
When your kids were little(er), you guided them toward the right decisions and behavior, or provided clear consequences for inappropriate actions. But as adults, you can no longer fix things for them or put them on time out for not listening.
But, while parents are no longer the primary authority figures in their adult children’s lives, they can continue to significantly impact sibling dynamics. This influence can be positive and negative, depending on how parents navigate this new role.
Witnessing conflict or estrangement between your adult children can be heart-wrenching and confusing. The desire to mend these relationships and restore harmony in the family is natural. However, it is important to recognize that adult children are independent individuals with their own lives and perspectives. To respect them you must walk a fine line when it comes to getting involved in their disputes.
Handle things the wrong way, and you can make things worse (sometimes much worse). You risk:
- The appearance of favoritism
- Heightening tension
- Undermining your relationship with them or their relationship with each other
- Being considered meddlesome
- Creating resentment.
Do nothing at all, and it can seem like you:
- Don’t care
- Are aloof or cold
- Unavailable
- Have given up on them
It can feel like a no-win situation. And sometimes it is.
Although there’s no foolproof way to be a parent during the conflict between adult children, there are some dos and don’ts that can help ensure you don’t hinder more than you help.
Dos and Don’t of Parenting Adult Siblings in Conflict
When your adult kids have gone beyond stealing each other’s clothes or the I’m-not-touching-you game, consider these dos and don’ts for managing your role as their parent:
Encourage Communication
Encourage your children to talk openly and honestly about their feelings whenever possible and tell them you will refrain from judging. Let them know you’re there to listen and support them.
Suggest that they talk directly to each other about their issues. If they are open to it, you might offer to help coordinate a conversation, but make sure they lead the discussion. You’re only there to encourage and keep the conversation moving. This can be a difficult boundary to keep, so if you think you can’t do it, don’t offer.
Remain Neutral
No matter what your personal views, do your best to avoid taking sides. This doesn’t mean acting disinterested, but it does mean avoiding any appearance of favoritism or judgment.
The last thing you need is the “Mom thinks I’M right!” argument to be leveraged. So, try to acknowledge each child’s feelings and experiences without making judgments.
Model Good Behavior
By showing effective communication and conflict resolution skills in your own interactions, you set an example for your children.
And if you’re worried that you didn’t do enough of this when they were young, you need to understand that it’s never too late to start. 13 or 30, kids are still watching you and looking at you as a role model.
Bring Them Together
Just because they don’t get along doesn’t mean you should stop bringing the family together. Family events provide opportunities for positive interactions, and shared experiences can help rebuild bonds.
You might even assign them one of their shared childhood duties. Communing over their dislike of shucking corn or washing the windows can help break down barriers.
Respect Boundaries
“Mom, leave it alone,” from your adult child is different than, “Mom, leave me alone!” from your teenage child. You need to recognize and remember that your children are adults, and when they ask you to back off, that’s what you need to do.
Offer Resources
Are things just getting worse, and no one seems to be able to communicate or overcome certain issues? It might be time for professional help.
If conflicts are deeply rooted, family therapy can provide valuable tools for resolving issues.
Take Responsibility If You Played a Role
No parent is perfect. We’ve all made big mistakes, and if you may have played a role in a conflict, acknowledge it and apologize. This can help heal old wounds and set a positive example.
Don’t Take Sides
Favoritism can deepen rifts between siblings. So, do your best to treat each child equally and fairly.
Don’t Compare Your Children to Each Other
Comparisons can fuel resentment and competition.
Don’t Interfere
Avoid getting involved in every disagreement. Your children need to learn to resolve their issues independently.
Don’t Gossip
Your kids need to be able to trust you, so don’t share negative information about one sibling with another. It can create further divisions and mistrust.
Don’t Force Reconciliation
Pushing your children to reconcile before they are ready can backfire. Allow them to take the time they need to work through their issues.
Don’t Try to Control Things
Offering unsolicited advice or trying to control the situation can create further tension. Let them know you see there’s an issue and that you trust them to resolve it. They’ll let you know when they need your help.
Don’t Pretend Everything Is Fine
Ignoring conflicts won’t make them go away and it can make you seem aloof.
Don’t Enable Negative Behaviors
You may be Switzerland, but you can’t be complicit. So, don’t enable behaviors contributing to the conflict, like gossiping or hurtful actions.
Don’t Make Avoidance Acceptable
Avoidance allows problems, distance, and disconnection to grow and tear families apart. So, gently but firmly regularly encourage your children to face and resolve their issues with each other rather than avoiding them.
Parenting doesn’t stop at 18. Or 21. Or 45. You get the picture. But it does change.
One of the hardest things as a parent is seeing your kids grow apart or treat each other poorly. But, while you can provide guidance and support, the decision to mend their relationship ultimately lies with your children.
And don’t forget your own well-being. Dealing with family conflicts can be emotionally taxing. Make sure to prioritize your own emotional health and seek support if needed.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What conflicts have there been between your adult children? Are you trying to find a way to bring your kids back together? What’s worked in your family? Share your stories and experiences and join the conversation.
