I have been married three times. If you met me, you would know immediately I am not the Elizabeth Taylor type. My three men did not seduce me with rock-sized engagement rings. I did not tire of any of them: they were or are all good men! It is only life’s unpredictable circumstances that have made me a serial bride.
I have come to realize that the tenure of each of my marriages corresponds to three unique stages of life: young adulthood, family-focused years, and now retirement. All three marriages can offer some wisdom into how being in a relationship at various times in one’s life is so different, even if one’s partner remains the same! I am also quite stunned on a daily basis that marriage can bring such great satisfaction later in life.
Marriage in Retirement
Dr. Sara Yogev, in her book A Couple’s Guide to Happy Retirement, has discovered through counseling her patients for over 30 years, and in the literature, that newly retired individuals report the lowest marital satisfaction and highest marital conflict compared to older retirees, the unretired, and those still working. It seems to take about two years for husbands and wives in retirement to settle down and begin to make accommodations to the other’s needs (if they can).
Each member of the couple has uniquely different desires in retirement, and both have not spent such a great amount of time together… ever! Luckily, Dr. Yogev has some great suggestions for the common problems. Perhaps such a consultation can lower the “grey divorce” rate which has tripled among those over 65 since the 1990s. Also, a look at marriage in prior life stages might illuminate the challenges and pleasures which marriage can bring in one’s later years.
Also read, Why Do Couples Divorce Later in Life?
Young Adulthood
Like many in my generation, I married at a very young age: engaged at 19 and married at 20. I fell in love with my first husband at a summer religious youth camp. We came from the same community, and there was a great alignment of values, friends, and aspirations for the future.
We supported each other in every important way through college, both living at home, and working in our spare time to save enough to get married in our senior year. Our future looked bright, and we were supported by loving parents, siblings and the local community.
Although our stars aligned, I was too young for so much responsibility while still in college. I had no experience with all the required domestic duties, and I found them to be quite burdensome. Right after our honeymoon, I was thrown into my student teaching semester, with its own very adult responsibilities.
I secretly wanted to have the marriage annulled, but I felt badly about the cost of the wedding album which had not yet been delivered by the photographer!
Unfortunately, this 8-year marriage ended when my young husband was killed in a tragic accident at the age of 30, leaving me with a toddler. Although my marriage had quite an unusual ending, women who marry too young often are not prepared emotionally for the adult requirements of running a household, intimacy on a daily basis, and lose the years required for deep self-exploration.
Family Focused Years
After surviving the first two years as a widow and single parent, fate smiled upon me.
I took my daughter to register for nursery school, and the secretary just happened to be a childhood friend of my mother. She introduced me to the education director of that institution, and we fell in love immediately.
Once again, there was a large, loving community enveloping us, an alignment of values, this time of a very spiritual nature, and our son was a happy surprise who needed a babysitter as we celebrated our first anniversary.
My second husband gladly adopted my daughter, and all four of us reveled in our hard-won family status: I was a young widow, and my husband was a 40-year-old bachelor, now with two children. My daughter now had a brother!
Unfortunately, a tragic death leaves its imprint on everyone in an extended family. I now had the old in-laws, the new in-laws and their tribe, and a daughter affected by her father’s death.
Even our son was influenced by the family saga which never seemed to recede. Unfortunately, this 18-year marriage ended in divorce. This was a hectic time, with both of us working so many hours, coping with domestic chores and full children’s schedules. We all did the hard work in therapy, but we were pulled under the strong current of past events and the daily grind common to many couples in middle age.
Marriage in Later Life
Not being one to give in to adversity, after several years passed, I signed up for Match.com. Along comes husband #3 and a reawakening of love and passion… at the age of 51! At this juncture, extended family obligations had receded. Robert and I were able to focus on our relationship, especially when my son went off to college. One of my friends now calls us a happy “nation of two.”
Although we’ve been married for 20 years and have passed through the abrupt end of my career and his tricky divorce, we find ourselves in a daily state of comfort, living the intersection of similar values and interests, and palpable feelings of love and support.
These later years have great poignancy with their inherent illnesses, losses, and diminishing future. I’ve been by Robert’s side as he navigated two serious illnesses, and he’s been by my side as I lost both parents and continue to unravel my family history.
I find marriage so much more satisfying at this age for a number of reasons. In previous life stages, I always felt the competition of my agenda (which always included my children’s needs) vs. my husband’s. Now that I’m retired, I have no compelling agenda. I am able to pivot easily depending on the demands of the moment, yet I honor the carefully curated life I’ve chosen.
“Time,” which was always ferociously biting at my heels, is now a vague concept. I often lose track of the current date. This casual approach to life has extended to Robert. Although I was previously described by him as “strident,” I just let this man be. There is no longer the noticing or the judgments about behavior, appearance, domestic faux pas, etc.
Marriage in later life can be the result of all the relationship wisdom gathered over a lifetime through life’s stages. In the words of Desmond Tutu, “Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to disagree and continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another, and seek the greater good of the other.”
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What is your experience of marriage? Is your relationship a long and happy one or have you been through separation and divorce? How have relationships worked out for you thus far?
