In my conversations with women who were widowed suddenly, I sometimes ask, “What do you wish you had known?” One of the most common answers is, “That the people who said they would be there for me would, in fact, not be there for me.”
At the
time of the loss, good intentions abound, and in trying to come up with the
“right” words, empty promises are often made.
When I suddenly lost my husband, I realized that the truly grief-savvy people in my life did not search for words at all, because they knew that words fail. Lucky for me, I had a supportive village around me; people who said they would be there and were (and still are, many years later).
My small-town country neighbors have helped me bury a
canine companion, fix sprinklers, learn to weld and doctor my horses, to name a
few. Other times, a silent hug was what I needed most.
One friend, who I would see at church on Sundays, would regularly scoop me up in a bear hug and whisper in my ear, “Don’t you quit. You just keep going.” It was an order delivered at the exact time that I was wondering if I could do this life without my husband, and if so, whether I wanted to.
How to Help in a Way that Matters
When a
person is widowed, there are likely a number of tasks the deceased spouse
carried out that the widow may not know how to do. The learning curve for any
new task is steep when one is in the darkness of grief – it will likely be many months before new tasks can be mastered.
At the
very moment a widow loses half of her world, she gains double the
responsibility. Finances, solo-parenting for younger widows, childcare, maintenance,
decision making – all need immediate attention from the person who is grieving
the most.
The
following are ways in which we can actively support widows who are figuring out
their life after loss.
Meal Preparation
Keep the meal train going at a frequency that makes sense for the widow’s way of life. Cooking for one less person is a learning curve of its own and the alternative is to not bother and therefore not eat at all or eat unhealthy foods.
Widows
often experience incredibly low energy levels, and the simple act of chewing requires
more energy than they have in store. Consider preparing soups or other soft foods.
Or find out what she likes the most and prepare that. Offer to bring take-out
or accompany her to a favorite restaurant.
Household Maintenance
Maintenance
and repairs might be stacking up. A friend’s church family includes a group of
men who volunteer as handymen for various household repairs. They serve widows
and others in need. My friend was a grateful beneficiary of their services. If
you’re handy, ask for a list of what needs to be done.
The yard can
be a big task. An anonymous neighbor of mine twice cleaned up the weeds on my
property and hauled them away. My prime suspect denied it, but I still don’t
believe him. If you feel comfortable, drive by and note what needs to be done
and then simply show up and do it.
Firewood also
appeared in my barn – another random and anonymous act of kindness. These
neighbors saw what wasn’t being done and simply showed up and did it.
Childcare Support
If a widow
has young children, offer to watch the kids occasionally or better yet, on a
regular basis. This will give her time to cry alone, go to grief counseling, or
do whatever is most needed. Consider arranging a group of people who are
willing to help with childcare on a rotating schedule.
Look to the Calendar for Ways to Support
Special
days such as birthdays and anniversaries are tough days for widows. Make a note
of the widow’s birthday, that of her spouse, their wedding anniversary, the
anniversary of his passing, and any other significant dates.
Send a
text message or give the widow a call on those days so she’s aware that she’s
not alone in remembering.
The
standard list of holidays also carry their own heaviness for someone who is
grieving because each holiday holds memories of their loved one and cherished
traditions. Again, let the person know you’re thinking of them.
Another
beneficial time to check in is the date of the passing each month, as this can
be difficult for many. For example, if the husband passed on the 9th,
check in each month on the 9th.
If you
wonder what to say, don’t. A text or email can be nothing more than “I’m
thinking of you and (insert spouse’s name) today.” “I’m remembering your
special day.” “He/she is not forgotten.”
Someone
dear to me said simply, “I want to call you, but I don’t know what to say.” In
conversation, the very best gift you can give is to simply listen. Start with
“Tell me how you’re feeling these days,” and just listen from there.
Better Yet, Say Nothing at All
Be a
friend who just listens, a friend who doesn’t attempt to coax the widow into
what you perceive to be the next phase of healing. That is well-intentioned but
nearly always misinformed.
Even when
your widowed friend is struggling, call anyway and just listen. Be willing to
sit by their side in exactly the place they are in and simply keep them company
in that place. Those types of friends are the most rare and the most treasured
in a widow’s world.
Don’t let well-intentioned
words become empty promises. Use your calendar to prompt you to check in,
follow up, and do what needs to be done to help your widowed friend feel less
alone in the world.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
In what
ways have friends supported you during difficult times? How have you supported
grieving friends? Have you had a village of supporters in your life? What kind
of support do you think helps most while grieving? Please share in the comments
below.
