Attending
significant gatherings, whether a class reunion or a family wedding, can make
us anxious even as we look forward to them. We’ll be seeing people who knew us
way-back-when, at those times of life we might prefer to edit or ignore.
Why
not consider such an event an opportunity to practice self-acceptance,
self-compassion, and curiosity?
I know that’s easy to say; after all, my 50th high school reunion is now a part of the past. But I came up with 10 tips that helped me conquer my nervousness, so I hope they might help you as well.
Relax, It’s Not About You
No
matter how much you want to look great (I asked my hairstylist to give me a
“reunion special”), the truth is, most everyone will be concerned
about how they look and sound. You can relax – they aren’t worried about you.
The Contest Ended Years Ago
No
one will be competing for prom queen or remembering whether you even attended
it. No awards, I trust, at the end of the evening for being the “Best
preserved.”
Much of What You Remember Was Never True, and You Can Reframe It Now
A
friend shared a story about her husband’s 50th. He had been a nerd in high
school, long before being a “nerd” was in style. He figured no girl would want
to go out with him, so he never asked one out for a date.
At
his reunion, though, one woman confided to his wife: “You’re so lucky.
Rick was the one guy in high school all the girls wanted.” He’d had no
clue. At that moment, his old story about himself ended, and he was able to
reframe his entire high school experience.
Many
of the stories we made up about our younger years didn’t reinforce our power as
competent, loveable, desirable people. Time to reframe the past!
Remember those old phrases that begin with “I wasn’t ___ (beautiful/sexy/popular/smart)”? Chances are your self-judgments aren’t true. Challenge them a bit, and you may crack the door open to a new way of thinking about your life.
Your Failings Don’t Matter
Your
big event is the perfect time to practice self-compassion as well as compassion
for others. We all have failings, and some of them were pretty obvious when we
were younger. We made mistakes, some of them serious. And we survived.
That’s
true of everybody.
Remember
the phrase, “I did the absolute best I could, under the
circumstances.”
Then
offer some of your compassion to others.
Have a Goal
I’m shy. The idea of greeting 150 people I haven’t seen for 50 years (and barely knew then) made my stomach flip. I decided to set a goal: to learn how people age and what they see as most meaningful in their lives.
Creating
a learning goal is a lot more empowering than the usual one: “To see how
many people recognize what a great person I am today and how I overcame my high
school experience.”
Practice Vulnerability, but Not with Everyone
Brené
Brown coaches us to share our vulnerability, but not with everyone.
If
your life has been rough recently, and someone asks, “How are things
going?” you can test the water by offering a neutral answer like,
“Fine, although we’ve had a few challenges/been dealing with some medical
issues/have had to help our grandson, etc.”
Be
prepared to leave it there. If what you hear back sounds like genuine empathy
and a desire to know more, you might saunter into the waters of a more
in-depth, revealing conversation that is rewarding and soul-satisfying.
If
someone opens up to you, be equally discerning. Are they just whining or do
they have an exciting story lurking, just begging to be shared? You can offer
empathy, sympathy, or a word of support while deciding whether you want to
continue down that conversational road.
Come Up with a List of Questions
I always admire people who can use questions to demonstrate their interest in others. If you’re wondering what those questions might be, here are some examples:
- What do you remember
most about high school? - What was the
favorite thing you did in high school? - What are you
enjoying most these days?
If that goes well, you can build off of their answers with new questions or ask others such as:
- What’s the important
thing you’ve learned since high school? - What’s the one thing
you wish you knew/we knew back then? - What are three
things that have surprised you about life?
Find the Stories
Lots of us attend events with pre-packaged answers to probable questions. To find out more about someone’s life, we may need to dig under the surface veneer. To search for a story, begin with open-hearted curiosity and gentle prompts.
You
can ask, “Tell me more about that,” or “What was that
like?”, or “What was your experience?” With luck, you’ll hit gold
and hear a story they don’t usually share.
Laugh More
You
don’t have to wait for jokes to laugh. Pay attention to how often you laugh at
an event, and I bet you’ll laugh more. Spread some joy with a goal like,
“I’m going to laugh at least 20 times.”
Enjoy Being YOU
You’ve got nothing to prove. This fact, which I underscore, is an amazing superpower that comes with being our age!
If
you feel awkward or anxious, take a few deep breaths and use your exhales to
remember: I am whole, I am worthy, I am safe, and I am loved.
Regardless
of what happened back then, that’s the truth now and in the future to
come.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How
do you handle class and family reunions? Are you closed off when it comes to
sharing your personal tid-bits? With whom do you share your life experiences at
such events? Please tell your stories below.
