Do you see yourself with a boy-toy, or maybe you prefer a father figure image? What is the truth about age difference in relationships? Does it really matter, and how could it affect you? Let’s explore the issues.

In over 20 years as a matchmaker, a statement that I have so often heard is: “My physical age is X, but everybody says that I look many years younger. I do feel younger, so effectively, I am much younger.”

In 9 out of 10 cases, an objective viewer would tell them that they do not seem younger. Because while they may be fitter, more active, and even a little more youthful in appearance than the average for their chronological age, these points alone do not add up to being younger.

Our Youthful Identity

And that is because as we mature and develop our personality, a large part of our identity is formed from the imprint upon us of contemporary society, and this is particularly true during our teenage years.

Over the last seven decades, western society has gone through a series of cultural revolutions which, more than ever before, have helped form our attitudes to so many things.

For example, a seismic shift in attitudes took place in the 1960s, when youth culture with its associated fashion, music, and liberated attitudes, replaced the former paradigm of respect for seniority and authority.

The result is that someone who was a teenager in the 1950s will often have little in common with someone who was teen-age a decade later.

There are many other examples: pre- or post-Internet generation, pre- or post-conscripted military service, or earlier, pre- or post-war, etc.

For practical purposes, an age difference of more than 10 years will mean that you will not have had many similar experiences while growing up. To have truly similar cultural and artistic anchors in life, such as the music, the movies, and the experiences that were important to you, the age difference needs to be a good deal less.

Growing Old Together

You should also consider life going forward as a couple. “Growing old together“ is a much used phrase, but it gains real meaning for people in their 60s.

Sadly, in the next two or three decades, health issues will become real and it is highly likely that some level of support will be necessary within a lasting relationship.

Whilst it is true that on average women live a little longer than men, health problems or disabilities can crop up for either sex at any age. Such events are always traumatic, but when a younger person’s lifestyle is effectively limited by the failing health of their older partner, the relationship can become very stressful.

And, on the positive side of the equation, interests often change with age in a closely aligned pattern. Many people in their 60s will have retired or are just about to retire, so will be taking up new pastimes and interests.

Some pastimes and sports are lifelong activities, such as golf or sailing, but many others tend to be things that people move into at a certain age. However, if your ages are wildly different, then the same pursuits may not suit you both.

And to add to that, if one partner in a relationship still feels they have several years of work left in them, while the other wants to retire, then this can create a whole raft of difficulties because the working partner will so often be unavailable.

The simple message is that for many of us, large age discrepancies do not make for lasting relationships.

Look Past the ‘He’s My Boy-Toy’ Ego Boost

But, as ever, it is the exception that proves the rule. Every now and then, a ‘May-September’ relationship really works, usually for reasons best known to those involved.

One reason for some is that they had little contact with a peer group of their own age when growing up, instead spending their time with older relatives or their friends. I have recognised this situation with several women I have met.

But when the boot is on the other foot, the man seeking a significantly older woman, there might be an underlying deeper psychological reason for this desire. I would urge any woman entering such a relationship to look past the ‘he’s my boy-toy’ ego boost and try to understand exactly why he wants you. You may be surprised.

Finally, and somewhat in contradiction, let me say that nothing is impossible, because relationships do not work by rules. They are intrinsically a meeting of emotions, and we all know that emotions can take you anywhere.

Just take a moment to counter those heady impulses by also considering the longer-term view.

Are you looking for a life partner? Do you mentally calculate the age difference when sifting potential candidates? Why? What number, in your opinion, makes for the ideal age difference? Do you prefer dating a younger man or an older one? Please share your thoughts and let’s have a conversation.

I don’t know about you, but I found that among my friends, the default position for getting together was always going out to a restaurant for lunch or dinner and sometimes even for breakfast.

When two of us women finally hit upon a mutually acceptable date, the next question was always, “Where should we go?”

Forget “cocooning” at home – a fantasy probably dreamed up by the marketing team at Williams Sonoma – going out was the expected and expensive way to spend a few hours with friends.

Not Enthralled by Restaurants

Even before the pandemic, this always struck me as somewhat ludicrous. We all had perfectly acceptable homes, some of which could even be considered stunning, so why were we rushing to places that could only be described as “joints.”

Maybe it’s because I’m not a foodie, but I never got the romance of the restaurant. At least in the old days people dressed to go out for dinner, so there was something to look forward to. Today, you’d never know from the attire on display if you were in a locker room or a high-priced restaurant.

And speaking of high prices, did you notice how they’ve shot up on menus in the last year? Although I’m only slightly above Abe Lincoln in culinary discernment – he apparently ate only to fill ‘er up – even I find our local fare overpriced and underwhelming. But I digress…

Home Parties Can Be Too Much

It’s not to say my friends and I never entertained at home, but the way we did it was never entirely satisfying, either. We would make dinner parties in which the women cooked and the men served drinks.

The hostess was always jumping up to bring in food or check on something in the kitchen, and she seemed neither relaxed nor “there.”

Alternatively, we sometimes resorted to the potluck, which for some reason brought out the worst in me. I mean, were we still living on the frontier, schlepping covered baskets to the community hoedown? Hee-haw.

Finally, we might invite everyone we knew to the Fourth of July barbecue or New Year’s Eve open house. Ugh! As a guest, you either got stranded with a bore and no rescue in sight, or you stuck with people you knew in the belief that safe was better than sorry.

A Long Forgotten Setup

Enter the Coronavirus. In the beginning we just stayed home, and I had nothing to complain about. Although after three months of lockdown, anything or anyone, even the aforementioned bore, would have been a welcome change.

But a funny thing happened on the way to reopening: The Visit, that relic of a slower time, came back into vogue.

I was very familiar with The Visit because as a child I lived across the street from my grandparents, who were big on friends stopping by. It was just accepted that on Sunday people would go out for a stroll and come to my grandparents’ house for tea and cake.

They had a red-brick back porch that featured a comfy glider shaded by a huge green awning. This setup kept the temperature pleasant on even the hottest days and fostered a general and delicious feeling of languor.

I don’t remember if the conversation was scintillating or superficial, but I do remember how easy everyone seemed.

The Return of the Visit

At first, my husband and I recreated The Visit via Zoom, and that was fine for a while. Then, just as the novelty was wearing off, California began to open up.

We were intrigued but couldn’t imagine how two couples could practice social distancing at one table. Once again, we had to reimagine The Visit, luckily in the summertime.

I’m happy to report that it’s been great! We sit in our friends’ backyards or they sit in ours. The hostess just puts out a few nibbles and provides iced tea or wine. The more cautious among us bring their own food and drink.

Since it’s pretty chilly when the sun goes down in Santa Barbara, we’ve moved up the cocktail hour – or teatime, if you prefer – to 3 or 4 pm, which makes a nice segue into dinner at home, on our own.

It’s amazing how much more present and engaged everyone is during the old-fashioned Visit. We can actually have a substantive discussion without being interrupted by a waiter who wants to share his personal food preferences or a hostess who is running back and forth to the kitchen.

As a result, I’m getting to really know my friends in a way I never did before, and I’m finding it very satisfying.

The Walk Is Equally Exciting

A variation on The Visit is The Walk. This has been another eye-opening experience for those of us who never took long walks or only walked with a podcast for company. I always found walking tedious, but now the time flies by as I schmooze with a friend outdoors, especially if the scenery is restful.

When the stores were still closed, I even went with a girlfriend to an outdoor mall, where we pressed our noses to the glass like kids gazing longingly at a candy store window. Even sitting on a bench with someone – wearing masks and sitting 6 feet apart, of course – provides a lovely respite from house arrest.

Thanks to Covid-19, my husband and I have totally revised our idea of what “going out” means, and I just hope our friends will go along with us once everything returns to normal.

Just think about it – no fancy cooking, no cleanup afterward, no agonizing over what to bring to the potluck, no harried hostesses, no stilted small talk, no overpriced, noisy restaurants (well, maybe now and then…). What a wonderful world that would be!

Have you scaled back on eating out? How do you and your friends generally socialize? What’s different about the way you interact with friends before the pandemic and now? Please share your comments with our community!

The self-care narrative has become so synonymous with luxurious baths, spa life, and me, me, me time that it’s easy to confuse “wellness” with straight-up indulgence. While $90 bath salts may be the hallmark of self-care sessions for the rich and famous, Tan France takes another approach entirely by exercising his right to vote as a newly-minted American citizen; cultivating societal wellness through civic duty; and teaching others to bake. The idea of caring for yourself by thinking of others is, quite frankly, radical—and Tan France is here to show us how it’s done.

“To me, self-care means doing all you can to bring joy and find pockets of happiness wherever you can, whether that be in spiritual wellness or physical wellness. Us boys, and in particular on the show, we talk self-care so heavily that we understand the importance of it ourselves,” he says. “It’s something I’ve always practiced and will continue to do. I’ve always been aware that if I’m not taking care of myself, I’m definitely not going to be in the position to take care of anyone else or to be the best version of myself for other people to benefit them in any way.”

Ahead, the resident  Queer Eye sartorialist, and EyeBuyDirect eyeglasses designer (who recently launched The Freedom Collection in celebration of Pride month) makes us rethink what it means to optimize mental and spiritual health by performing acts of love and taking simple pleasures (like singing in the shower every night). Cue up your Adele-meets-Bollywood playlist and grab the Head & Shoulders (like we said, it’s the little things, okay?): This is how Tan France does wellness, in the most democratic way. 

Source: Instagram

Better Living Through Civic Engagement

A lot of my mental well-being is based on what is going on around me and how peaceful things are. Things aren’t peaceful or in a place where they should be right now, so my civic duty as a new American is very important. Being able to vote locally and the presidential election later this year definitely factors into self-care because if we don’t vote for the people that are going to take care of what’s important to us, that’s not great for us, [then it affects our overall wellness].

Honestly, it just makes me feel like I’m contributing somehow and like I’m doing something. I think the times when I’m not feeling great is when I’m in a position where my hands are somewhat tied or I’ve made no effort to really change the situation I’m in, whether it be personal or societal. So for me, it puts me in a much better headspace to know I’ve made an effort to encourage people to vote and be that change. Especially now, when I’ve been in lockdown for three-and-a-half months and being in my home, I’m doing what I can to find that moment of happiness—and that’s partly through contributing to society, that’s what’s getting me through.

Comfort Dressing

Being in quarantine, I’ve come to appreciate comfort more than ever before. I used to think, ‘comfort is fine as long as I look [good].’ However comfort has become super important to me even when I get “dressed up —and when I say “dressed up”, I mean an actual pair of pants or a suit. I’ll go for pants with a stretch or elastic waist (or drawstring) or something that’s in a softer fabric because I cannot be uncomfortable when I’m on those four hour Zoom calls.

Finding options that make me feel comfortable is something I didn’t focus on before and I’ve got a feeling that as I come out of lockdown, this is something that I’ll gravitate toward still. So I’ve found ways to look nice and look the way I want to look, but without compromising on comfort. I’ve also been wearing frames and I think a lot of people have because if you’re at home, why put on contacts?  They’re not very comfortable, so why not wear a pair of frames that actually look nice than suffer through with contacts? 

EyeBuyDirect.

There are two styles of frames in particular that I’ve been rotating from my collection with EyeBuyDirect: the Nola and Lighthouse. I love both and they go with pretty much everything. They also work with most face shapes. Everytime I put glasses on somebody on Queer Eye, I get so many DMs asking which I would suggest for different face shapes. So I’ve given a full explanation on the EyeBuyDirect website for which styles will best work for which face shapes. I answered every question that I can possibly think there.

I love all of the frames in the collection but I can’t wear all of them because my face shape is my face shape and not everything works for me but those two in particular, I think, are pretty universal. For Pride, we’ve also launched the The Freedom Collection with EyeBuyDirect, with a portion of sales going to The Trevor Project—it’s really on the forefront of providing LGBTQ+ people with resources and support. 

The Joy in Dressing Well

The reason why I’m so engrossed in what people wear, whether it’s an accessory or clothing, is because it really does make you feel a certain way. Even during quarantine, most of us are thinking ‘I’m not going to put in any effort today. I can’t be bothered.’ But that is going to affect your mental health if you look in the mirror and see a version of yourself you don’t like because you no longer look like the person you used to be when you would put on something that made you feel good. I know it seems like such a simple concept, but putting on an outfit or even specs that make you think ‘I look nice’ does do something for your well-being. 

The other thing is, it’s so important to kind to yourself when you look at the mirror. Don’t point out all the things that you hate about yourself and your body because the world’s going to do that for you. We don’t need that to be the reason we’re unhappy, and so just focus on the things that you like about yourself and try to remember that throughout the day.

Source: Instagram

Quarantine Lessons

What I’ve learned in quarantine is that I need to take more time for myself. I have spent the last two-and-a-half to three years shooting Queer Eye and it’s been go, go, go. I’m always on a flight. I’m always in a new city. I can visit three or four cities across the U.S. in a week. That’s very normal. Now, I’m in a position where I can take a look at what actually makes me happy outside of work and that’s being at home with my husband. It’s actually really important to me. As far as what I can take out of pandemic when lockdown eases up, I want to spend at least a few weeks every year, maybe scattered throughout the year, where I can be home, slow down, take a breather and focus on some things that I really like, such as baking.

If you haven’t seen ’13th’ yet on Netflix, please watch it. It’s so timely. I think they should be teaching it in schools.

Baking With Friends

I’ve been obsessed with baking for years.  My castmate Jonathan Van Ness and I are obsessed with The Great British Baking Show and we’ve watched every episode at least 10 times. We watch it while we’re filming—it’s a full-on obsession. This is totally just a brag but last year I did the celebrity version and won so I really am a keen baker. That’s why I want to continue to do it on my social [media], to share my passion.

I’ve been baking everything. It’s easier to tell you what I haven’t baked and what I haven’t spent every day eating than what I have. As soon as lockdown kicked in, I was doing two or three and Instagram lives a week, where I would teach my celebrity friends how to bake (usually cookies). I was baking so often, I’d eat that tray of cookies—five or six or eight or 10 or 12 daily.  It was becoming a real problem, so I stopped eating sugar about six weeks ago. I do this every four or five months where I’ll go for at least three or four weeks with no sugar. For the first few days, I won’t have anything to compensate for the lack of sugar, but then but then I’ll have—and this is going to sound so lame—but I’ll have one or two medjool dates a day and that really helps [with sugar cravings]. Dates are really common in my culture. Medjool dates in particular are incredibly sweet, so you get the hit that you need without having pie (or a whole pie to yourself).

Comfort Food From The Culture

My husband’s from Wyoming and they live on burgers in Wyoming, so I make a Pakistani version, which is basically a really spicy burger so it’s so good. But my ultimate comfort meal is Indian food—any kind of Indian food. My followers might be angry, so I’ll say Pakistani food (which is the same as Indian food). I love curry very much, so usually I’ll cook an okra or cauliflower curry with homemade flatbread we call roti. That’s my favorite meal. It’s so comforting. I know in the west you guys have mac and cheese as comfort food and I think it’s really lovely but for me, I was raised on Indian food and have been eating it since I started eating solids at four or five months old. I think Indian food in general needs to hit the US in a bigger way. In England, the most popular food is an Indian dish called vindaloo and I don’t know why that’s never hit America, so I’m hoping there will be a wave of Indian food that hits America at some point.

Source: Instagram

TV=Relaxation

This is sad, but watching TV brings me so much joy. I think people seem embarrassed to say they watch TV, but there’s no harm in doing it. I don’t watch TV very often, so if I have a week off every few months and I just want to sit and watch TV, then there’s no shame in that—especially if it means I get time to decompress and not stress about what’s going on in the world and just focus on what’s going on in that show.

This is going to sound like a plug-in and it’s so not a plug, but I just finished watching season five of Queer Eye. We only get the episodes five days before you guys all see it and I’d been working so much that I didn’t get to watch when I got the episodes so I just finished that two days ago. I started watching Padma Lakshmi’s new show on Hulu call Taste The Nation which is beautiful and so well done. It gives us an interesting perspective of what immigrants bring to this country as far as cuisine goes. Then I finally started watching Little Fires Everywhere. I’m a little bit late to the party, but I’m really enjoying it. If you haven’t seen Mrs. America, watch it—it’s wicked. It’s so good. And if you haven’t seen 13th yet on Netflix, please watch it. It’s so timely. I think they should be teaching it in schools.

Singing in the Rain

Even before the pandemic, I would always sneak a couple of minutes away for self-care everyday, no matter how busy my work life would get. When I’m working, I spend a lot of evenings on my own so when I get to the hotel, I’ll have a long shower and just take time to not be inundated with information and any kind of negativity.

For me, an ultimate shower would include the Tata Harper Clarifying Blemish & Oil Control Cleanser cleanser that I love. You’re going to judge me so hard, but I’m not one for fancy shampoos or anything. I use Head & Shoulders Classic Clean Dandruff Shampoo. I always have and I always will. I’m so cheap that I’ll buy the generic version at the store—I will always fight for a deal. Then on my body, it’s simple: I use Dove Moisturizing Beauty Bar. 

When I’m in the shower, I play music on my phone. Usually, I’ll play Bollywood songs, 1995 to 1999 Bollywood. There’s a movie which is one of the most successful movies of all time in India: Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. Any song from that is what I will sing in the shower. After all these years—25 years!—it’s still those songs that I’m listening to. If I had to listen to something not Asian, I’d listen to Adele, “Someone Like You” or “All I Have.” It’s so good.

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