I have three wonderful moms in my immediate circle of friends who have been ghosted by their children. Dictionary.com defines ghosting as “the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation.” The extreme pain this abandonment brings is their daily life challenge.

The Whys

Some moms have no idea what caused this breach, with no way to find out. If the mom does recognize the source and wants to apologize to the adult child, this is not an option.

Other moms can identify a heated conversation where opinions differed. This could have been about political, religious, or lifestyle choices.

Maybe unwelcome comments were made about the adult child’s parenting style or poor choices that set an unintentional estrangement in motion. Sometimes we make mistakes as parents, and as parents we admit it!

In this brief article, let’s NOT go back to the source of the abandonment issue. You’ve already done this, over and over times one million, to figure out where things went wrong. If you do find your answer, there’s no way to go back and change it, even if you could or would.

Remember, the answer may not be anything you’ve said or done. Seeking the whys will drive you crazy. It’s a form of mental abuse to put yourself through this every day. Instead, let’s talk about your self-care as a deserted parent.

How to Survive

Here are some suggestions from moms who have been there:

• Distance yourself from the adult child. Time will help.
• You have no control. Release the child and keep moving toward an enjoyable life without them.
• Cry and get on with it.
• Lean on your best friends to help you at those times that hurt more than others – birthdays, holidays, or special events for grandchildren.
• If you have an open communication channel at all with the adult child, just listen… and listen some more.
• In this tug of war, drop the rope.
• Write notes and cards to the adult child or grandchildren. If you think they are not receiving them, put the notes in a box for them to read at a later time in their life. One mom keeps sending birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to her estranged daughter. She’s sure they are dumped without opening, yet she will never give up or stop. It eases her mind.

A Kind Word of Advice

Take Care of Yourself

This unsolvable problem can rob you of your health and mental well-being. You may need to seek the help of a professional counselor to learn ways of handling the ever-nagging and uncorrectable whys. Simply take care of yourself.

Look for Abandonment Support

Check into on-line support groups for abandoned parents or books written on the subject to let you know you are not alone.

Find Your Source of Joy and Courage

Where do you get courage? Is it from your tribe of friends? From your religious beliefs? From self-help groups or books? You can lighten this heavy load and experience everyday happiness even though you will never forget your child or stop loving them.

Take Control of Your Thoughts

When you catch yourself for the millionth and one time asking “Why…?” just stop. Stop yourself and say out loud, “Not today, I’m going to be kind to me today.” You have the choice to have everyday happiness in your life.

As you know, life is short. Enjoy the adult kids that are still in your life, or your friends, or your pets, or your garden. Find what lightens your mood even a little, and do more of it.

Forgive Yourself

Maybe you were the reason the adult child stopped communicating. In hindsight, you see it, but there’s no way to say sorry. So, forgive yourself.

None of us know how to parent. We just take a very good stab at it and do our best. Sometimes we have said or done things that can’t be corrected now. If you need help with forgiving yourself, professionals in your church or mental health professionals will help.

Figure Out How to Live in the Moment

When something good happens, sit in that and enjoy it to the fullest. You are worthy of this. Your past mistakes or your child’s rejection don’t make it not so! Next time you enjoy your morning coffee, or a piece of fine chocolate, or the sunshine streaming in your window, take note and let yourself be there for it!

This brings attention to the things that we love and helps us experience the good in each day.

Are you an abandoned mom? If so, I wish you courage daily! How have you learned to cope? What gets you through special days or events? Please join the conversation in how you have moved forward in your life.

Like her BFF Hailey Bieber, Kendall Jenner loves to spill the details on her skincare and makeup routine—and we love every second of it. Who wouldn’t want to see exactly how models get ready? It’s like peeking into the chicest medicine cabinet. In a Vogue video, Jenner takes us through her routine, which includes the RCMA Makeup Highlight and Contour Palette.

In the video, Jenner blends the first and the third shades with a concealer brush and applies it under her eyes. “I’m like, so, not a professional,” she says. “You’ll see all the differences between me and Kylie. Kylie is like a legit professional and I’m like, you know what? This works.” And it does. She continues to apply the blended colors in between her brows, down her nose and in a full triangle under her eyes to highlight and brighten the areas.

“I can do my makeup in 15 minutes or less, 20 tops,” she says as she blends the concealer into her skin with a makeup sponge. “Kylie and I are very different because she is, you know, full beat, and I respect it. It takes a lot longer but you know what? She looks fire.”

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

YouTube.

The RCMA Makeup Highlight and Contour Palette is available in Light and Medium/Dark colorways with five colors in each. You can blend any together to get your perfect under-eye shade, zit concealer and contour color. It’s pretty much an all-in-one.

RCMA.

Instead of using it for contour though, Jenner grabs a bronzer stick from her collab with Kylie Cosmetics. “I just like to be able to apply it like a marker,” she says as she defines her cheekbones, forehead, jaw and nose. “My biggest fear is having lines on my face because I didn’t blend it,” she adds, buffing the color out with a powder brush.

Because we know you’ll want to try the palette to see what all the fuss is about, we got you an exclusive discount code just for STYLECASTER readers. Use code STYLECASTER for 25 percent off now through December 23. It’s the perfect gift for yourself this holiday season.

Of all the traits that contribute to success in life, confidence rates at the top of the list. Unfortunately, children who have been born with physical or neurodevelopmental disabilities often receive messages from the world that chip away at their confidence.

Uncle Charley’s Magic Rope

When I was a child, I was clumsy and lacked coordination. The only way I learned to balance well enough to roller skate was to go across the width of the sidewalk.

Riding a bicycle was even more of a challenge. My two brothers and I shared one (boy’s) bike, and I was having a struggle learning to balance. Frankly, it didn’t seem like I would ever be able to ride a bike.

A bachelor neighbor, Uncle Charley, took pity on me after watching my frustrating attempts at bike riding. We lived just down the street from our elementary school, so Uncle Charley told me and the other kids to gather on the blacktopped part of the playground.

He said that he had a “magic rope” that would solve all my problems. Uncle Charley tied a short length of rope to the back bumper of the bike and told me to hop on and just ride. I wouldn’t need to worry about falling over because he would hold the other end of the “magic rope,” and it would keep the bike balanced.

Since I was a child, I never questioned whether a rope tied to the back bumper of a bike could hold it up. I just hopped on the bike and rode away because Uncle Charley had given me all the “magic” I needed to have confidence in my ability to ride a bike.

Building Confidence in My Children

When my own children were young, I wanted to spare them the frustration of not being coordinated enough to play in group sports. Our daughter went to dance classes early, and she is very physically adept. She participated in a high school dance team, skated and surfed on a competitive team.

Our son was born with a missing hand and other birth defects. When he was in second grade, he began to see double. We were so worried and took him from doctor to doctor, finally ending with an optometrist who specialized in vision training.

He recommended that our son should go into one of the martial arts classes because the patterned movements they learn would help with his neurological development that the doctor thought was key to the eye problems.

I was very worried about putting our son in Tae Kwon Do which involves a lot of high jumping kicks and breaking boards. I stayed at every class to make sure he didn’t get hurt. David did very well, and his double vision miraculously went away.

Going Full Circle

While attending an exposition, I won a free year of Tae Kwon Do. Although I never would have considered this before, I decided to give it a try. I can remember the Korean master, who was not much taller than I am, going behind me saying “you got to get coordinated.”

I have always had trouble with left and right, but gradually, I did learn the patterned movements and broke my share of boards. (Board breaking takes the ultimate in confidence.) I even moved through several levels of belts.

These baby steps in confidence building led to the big breakthrough for me. My husband’s new position required that he learn to play golf. His company sent him to golf lessons, and I decided to try a golf clinic for women and children.

Before that, golf was a game that I thought was more boring than watching grass grow. That is, until the first time I connected with a ball. Then I was hooked.

Golf is a very difficult game and requires many different skill sets. But the first instructor I had told me “you can do this” and just like with Uncle Charlie, my belief helped me overcome the natural balance and coordination problems I have.

I will never be an Annika Sorenstam, but I didn’t start playing golf until I was 59, and I have shot as low as 92, more than once.

Giving Your Grandchildren the Gift of Confidence

So, if you want to give your grandchildren the gift of confidence, tell them “you can do it” even if they are not natural athletes or scholars or whatever they are trying to learn. Even a little magic like Uncle Charley’s rope can help because children are not skeptics.

If your grandchild has problems with balance and coordination, gift them a trial at a family oriented martial arts studio or send them to dance, horseback riding, or tennis lessons. Whatever they might have an interest in trying. Individual activities are often the best choices so the child can progress at their own pace.

Make sure to visit the instruction studio first to be sure the teachers are encouraging to students who may not have natural gifts in the beginning. A positive experience now can give your grandchild the building blocks for a future that is brimming with confidence and the willingness to try new things.

Putting the magic of confidence in your grandchild’s Christmas stocking may be the best gift you ever give them.

How do you encourage your grandchildren to live with confidence? What gifts have you given them that taught them to trust they can do whatever they wanted to do? Please share with our community and let’s learn from each other’s examples!

Braunwyn Windham-Burke’s Turquoise Beaded Strap Bikini at Lake Arrowhead

Real Housewives of Orange County Season 15 Episode 10 Fashion

Braunwyn Windham-Burke (who may we remind you has given birth to SEVEN kids) looked absolutely amazing at Lake Arrowhead on last night’s episode of RHOC in her turquoise beaded strap bikini. And although we’re not sure when the opportunity will next present itself for us to wear one of these things, we definitely wouldn’t mind it paddling it’s way into our closets asap.

Fashionably,

Faryn

Also Seen on Hannah Brown in Navy on The Bachelorette:

Click Here to Shop Her ViX Bikini on Sale and in More Colours

Click Here to Shop Additional Stock of the Bottoms on Sale

Originally posted at: Braunwyn Windham-Burke’s Turquoise Beaded Strap Bikini

One of the major concerns for those entering into retirement is no longer having a paycheck. In addition, there is a normal fear of running out of money and having to spend what we spent a lifetime saving. One of the primary issues is how to make withdrawals from the various accounts we have built up and the timing of withdrawing from these accounts, both personal and retirement.

Traditional vs. Alternative Approaches

There is the “traditional approach” which is withdrawing from the after tax portfolios first, then the tax deferred and then the taxable retirement accounts. However, this strategy tends toward having to depend upon the taxable accounts (IRAs) later, which can create much higher income taxes. This also increases the Medicare premiums!

There is a better way – a planned withdrawal strategy that uses all of the various assets and keeps the income taxes at a lower overall rate. This significantly extends the access to available resources. Let me explain by using an example.

Understanding Your Assets

First, I suggest setting up the withdrawals to coincide with the timing of when you were receiving a pay check. That means that if you got paid monthly, bi-weekly or twice per month you can do the same thing with your retirement income. That will generally reduce the stress of feeling like you no longer have a paycheck. You are now paying yourself!

Next, look at all of your resources such as:

First, personal savings and investments that are accessible without paying income tax except for capital gains and interest, the “after tax monies” you have accumulated.

Second, tax deferred accounts such as non-qualified annuities and deferred compensation plans.

Third, Roth IRA: tax deferred and non-taxable upon withdrawals if held more than 5 years and after age 60. Take advantage when you can as it may not be available in the future.

Next, qualified accounts: voluntary contribution plans such as 401(k)s and IRAs.

Then, pensions, although these are becoming less a factor unless you work for the government as many corporations have switched to voluntary retirement plans with no guarantees of future income.

Finally, Social Security, to begin at Full Retirement Age (FRA) or defer until age 70.

The Traditional Approach

The traditional approach would have you take your Social Security and any pension you might have and then withdraw from the first three accounts, leaving only a small reserve of after tax monies for emergencies, and leaving the qualified accounts for last.

The result of deferring the taxable retirement accounts is paying higher income taxes later in life. This may work if you become ill and need long term care, which enables you to write off the medical care costs against your income. However, it negatively affects you if you remain healthy and also penalizes your heirs as they get hit with the income tax liability after you die! Retirement plans do not get favorable “step up to basis” upon your death!

A Different Approach

A better way is to first determine what tax bracket you will be in during retirement and then try and maximize the income within that tax bracket. If you are married with taxable income of $50,000, you are in the 15% federal tax bracket and can have an additional $25,000 of income to remain in that 15% bracket. This means you can structure the income to derive from all of the accounts and look at how to maintain the long term income.

Social Security gets an 8% annual increase for each year you delay beginning the start date, up to age 70. This creates a significant increase of income over your lifetime if you live past age 82. There are situations when you would want to begin Social Security earlier, but, if possible, it is beneficial to defer the start date to age 70.

By deferring the Social Security start date, it will allow you to take withdrawals from your taxable retirement accounts or make Roth Conversions (taxable) from a portion of the IRAs and remain in the same tax bracket.

Take Advantage of Roth IRA Benefits

The Roth IRA is one of the best assets to leave your heirs as there is NO income tax liability! This would then reduce the amount of withdrawals from your personal portfolio, allowing you to maintain a larger portion for future needs without the tax burden.

In addition, if you retain personal portfolio investments, these would receive a “step up to basis” upon your death and would also pass with no income tax to your heirs. Additionally, spending a portion of the IRAs or converting a portion to a Roth would reduce the Required Minimum Distribution (RMD) upon turning age 70 ½, again saving on income taxes.

I know that this is a lot to absorb at one time. Maybe just think about how to pull from the various accounts in such a manner to give you a more balanced approach to providing lasting income during retirement.

When I have done this analysis for clients, the income can last 25% to 50% longer than the traditional approach! Get professional help to understand the various income taxes incurred by withdrawing from the different types of investment accounts to generate your retirement income.

Have you made a list of assets similar to the one described? Have you structured withdrawals to “pay yourself” on a schedule? Which of these approaches makes the most sense for you? What questions do you have? Please join in the conversation.