Crystal Kung Minkoff’s Black Puff Sleeve Sweatshirt on Instastories

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2021 Instagram Fashion

Crystal Kung Minkoff seems like a master in the kitchen from her IGTV recipe videos. She also seems like a master in another room in her house, the closet. I mean look how cute she is in her black puff sleeve sweatshirt! But I guess we kinda already knew that about her from all of her lewks on RHOBH thus far. And we can’t wait to see what she cooks up next in both food and style.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Click Here to See Her AG Walker Puff Sleeve Sweatshirt

Photo Credit: @crystalkungminkoff

Originally posted at: Crystal Kung Minkoff’s Black Puff Sleeve Sweatshirt

My 15-year-old grandson died by suicide six weeks ago. At 3pm, six weeks ago, I was wondering how many of the delicious cookies that I’d just baked I could eat. By 5pm, my whole world had changed for ever.

To say life is now difficult is a complete understatement. To say friends, colleagues and family members want to help and support me is completely true. But some of the time some of them get it wrong, even though they mean well.

Some of the time I can see they are terrified of making a mistake and adding to my pain. They don’t want to be clumsy and insensitive.

So, I’m writing this now for all of you who may one day be faced with what to say and do in the face of a friend’s raw grief over the suicide of a loved one.

I need to say that everyone’s experience of this type of grief is unique, so what helps one person may not help someone else. But from talking to others who are deeply affected by my grandson’s death there are some things we share.

Please Don’t Ask Me How I Feel, Particularly Via Text

It’s just too complicated. Everyday life goes on. I still have routines and some of the time I can immerse myself in things, but sometimes the grief feels overwhelming. How do I feel? Right now, I may be doing OK, but by the time I finish texting that reply I may be feeling far from OK. So, do I delete it and start again? It’s easier not to reply.

For me, that’s the essence of this grief. It changes from minute to minute. It’s clearly not going to be a steady recovery to a new way of living. Some moments are better than others. I still find myself laughing at something occasionally.

I can sometimes enjoy the sun on my back as I ride my bike. Sometimes that warmth just reminds me of my grandson and my love for him, and it completely undoes me. I have no way of knowing in advance which it will be.

If you want to message me, just text “Thinking about you xx” or “Love you” or “Here for you whenever you need me” or “I’m around today xx.” Please don’t do it only once. I may not reply, but these sorts of message help me. Please don’t ask me if I got your earlier text.

Please Don’t Expect Me to Want to Meet Up

Friends suggest we meet up. They say helpful things like “We can talk about Max if you want, or not if you don’t want.” But for me, arranging to meet you is impossible. I don’t know how I will be feeling in 10 minutes, so how can I know whether going for a walk with you tomorrow will help?

Some other family members find having these advance arrangements helpful, but it doesn’t work for me. Some people want to be surrounded by others, some people don’t. As I said, everyone’s grief is in some way unique to them.

And it changes too, so what works one day won’t work the next. This can leave you, my friend, uncertain what to do. I understand that. I’m sorry, but it’s the way it is.

And If You Just Found Out…

I regularly go to the gym and also volunteer in a local charity shop. I asked someone in both places to let people know what had happened to minimise the number of people I had to tell. Inevitably there were some people who hadn’t heard.

I meet them and they say: “Hello Jane. How are you?” I could just say “fine” but that denies what has happened to my grandson. I usually say something like “Not great.” Some people don’t ask me what that means, but some people do.

I want you to know that if you’re one of those people who do ask, I understand your horror when I explain. Please don’t feel bad. You didn’t know. Telling people is (I hope) part of the way I process what has happened.

Please Don’t Share Your Own Bereavement

Please don’t tell me about the death of someone you loved. It doesn’t help right now. I would also appreciate it if you don’t tell me how I feel: “You must be feeling devastated.” It doesn’t help. It’s OK to be silent with me. Maybe to touch me gently or put your arm round me, as you know I’m someone who likes physical contact.

But if you’ve experienced bereavement by suicide, I do want to know a little about it. It tells me you understand some of what I’m going through. But be careful what you tell me. I don’t want to know right now that someone never got over it or that they were broken by it. I really don’t want to know much about that suicide as I’m having trouble coping with this suicide.

Cliches, Although True, Are Unhelpful

Death by suicide is also a time of cliches. Yes, I know I have to take one day (or even one hour) at a time. I know that time heals, but right now I’m faced with another day to get through. And please, please, please don’t tell me that all we can do is love one another. It’s true but it’s not helpful right now when I’m experiencing the pain of loving so much.

Why Death by Suicide Anyway?

“Death by suicide” sounded odd to me when I first started saying it. Partly because of the enormity of what it said and partly because it seemed contrived. I started off by saying “he committed suicide” or “He chose to end his life.”

I find both of these acceptable descriptions of what happened, but some people who are bereaved by suicide don’t like them. “Committed” makes it a sound like a crime – it no longer is. Some people also don’t like “chose” to kill themselves/end their life, as they feel people don’t chose it. They are driven to it in some way.

So, it’s best to say “died by suicide” and “bereaved by suicide” for those people or those days when anything else feels wrong.

Above All, Please Don’t Get Discouraged to Reach Out

I’ve written so many things for you not to do. You may be frightened of doing anything in case it’s wrong. But the worse thing you could do is withdraw or avoid me. Send me a card. Send me another card a few weeks later. Send me an occasional message or email reminding me that you are one of the good things in my life, still there when I’m ready.

If you meet me, ask me how I am. I may say “Fine” and move on or I may want to stop and talk. Just wait for me to decide. Be patient with me while I find a way to go forward without my bright star of a grandson. Understand that I have an overwhelming concern for the welfare of his parents.

I know the depth of my pain. I cannot imagine theirs. I am a mother, but how can I comfort my son and daughter-in-law in this time of terrible loss? This grief is not just about me, but also about the others affected so directly by this intense loss.

Adapting to This New Life

I’m practising what I will say when someone asks me how many grandchildren I have. Is it OK to say: two but my grandson died aged 15? What about: two but my grandson died by suicide aged 15? How much do I need to protect you from my grief? I don’t want to ruin your day. There’s enough misery in the world without me adding to it.

But I can’t answer: “Just one.” I need to honour my grandson and his life. He is still my grandson, Max.

Understand that right now I feel I’m living in a different world from you. I hope, with time, to be able to come back into your world, but there will always be a piece of me that belongs to Max and exists in this separate place. Life will never ever be the same again. So be patient with me. You can still be a good friend by just waiting for me to be ready to be with you again.

But please also understand that my feelings and experiences do not mirror those of everyone bereaved by suicide. Just be there for them in a way that does not demand a response. Let them find what helps, and be there if needed.

Remember that what they want may change from day to day. Being bereaved by suicide is frightening and devastating, but you can help in this way to make it a little easier to bear.

Do you think grief is different for everyone and depends on the circumstances? Have you felt the pain caused by a loved one’s suicide? What do you think can help a friend experiencing such deep grief?

I remember standing backstage when I was quite young, waiting to be called onstage for my first performance in a song festival. I may have been 12 or 13 years old. I was about to sing a song I loved from the musical The King and I, titled, “I Whistle a Happy Tune.”

Happy was far from what I felt as I stood there in my new dress and black patent shoes. I would have turned and fled had I not somehow really listened to the lyrics of my song as they streamed through my head: 

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are.

As I recall it, those words gave me just enough courage to walk in front of the audience and perform my chosen song. That was my first memorable experience with the potential power of positive affirmation. But, in truth, I was already open to the concept because my mother believed strongly that thoughts are things and words are powerful – they could serve you well or bring you harm.

I Have My Doubts

But leap ahead 50 years or so, and you’ll find me a Doubting Thomas when it comes to the usefulness of contemporary positive affirmations. It doesn’t help that my husband thinks the practice is lame. His exact words, offered with a mocking tone, were, “Whatever gets you through the night.” 

But my good friend Bea recently told me that she repeats affirmative phrases whenever she feels herself sliding into a dark place. And another dear friend, Jim Duchesneau, who is about to launch his new book and songs project, called Effective Ways to Heal from Depression, Anxiety, Fear and more…, told me about how he uses a similar approach to restore his own equilibrium.

Because of these two I decided to study the process a little more deeply.

So, What Is a Positive Affirmation? 

According to many sources on the internet, affirmations are “positive statements that can help you to challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts.” One very popular YouTube video offers the following statements as the most powerful phrases in use today:

• I am grateful for the many blessings in my life.
• I look for and appreciate the good.
• I attract the perfect people at the right time.
• Something wonderful is always about to happen.

My friend Bea told me that she has learned over her years of study with both books and mentors that the most effective affirmations begin with “I am” or “I have.” But her three favourites do not follow this form:

• I now receive showers of blessings and riches galore.
• I dwell in a state of joyful wonder, and
• The present is the point of power.

She told me, “Everything is now! Now is the only point from which you can change anything. Keep working with your affirmations for five minutes a day, every day. And by day nine or ten, you will start to feel the benefits.”

So, the idea is to repeat these sayings several times in one sitting. And then do it daily for a month. Thirty days seems to be the magic number. But is there any real science to back up the value of repeating these kinds of statements? Again, I was doubtful. But actually, there are some interesting studies.

What Do the Studies Say?

From an Annual Review of Psychology by G. L. Cohen and D. K. Sherman: 

“Self-affirmation interventions typically have people write about core personal values. The interventions bring about a more expansive view of the self and its resources, weakening the implications of a threat for personal integrity. […]timely affirmations have been shown to improve education, health, and relationship outcomes, with benefits that sometimes persist for months and years.”

Another study from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) finds that “future-oriented affirmations may be more successful than past-oriented affirmation” and that the use of affirmations is “associated with greater change in sedentary behaviour following the affirmation intervention.”

I Can’t Relate to That Much Positivity!

Jim Duchesneau, who suffered for seven years with severe suicidal depression, told me that he could not say “I am a good person,” or “I am loved.” He explained, “When I was very depressed, I simply could not relate to something that positive.”

Instead, he began with statements drawn from the Metta Mindfulness practice that he could relate to, such as, “I wish to feel safe,” and “I wish to feel that I am loved.” Those statements had a semblance of truth that his mind and body could accept. 

Later, as he began to recover from depression, his ability to accept more positive statements changed: “With time, I actually moved up to repeating phrases like ‘I am ok at this very moment in time.’”And later, he could use the more personal, I am… phrases, as well.

But his favourite kind of self-talk phrases contain the words “acting as if.” Jim told me, “With those words, I’m not claiming that I am this or that. But I am ‘acting as if’ I am content, or fearless or good or worthwhile. Those kinds of statements, my heart can believe.”

Some Words Simply Do Not Sit Well with the Subconscious 

Amy Sher, an energy healer who also works with very sick patients in hospital settings, is known for her book, How to Heal Yourself from Depression When Nobody Else Can. In a recent interview she told her listeners that the words she uses to penetrate the subconscious are, “I am now free.”

“The reason we use the wording ‘I am now free’ is because, in all my testing, that was the one phrase that the subconscious mind didn’t resist. It resists being told what to do, being reprogrammed, being all of these different things, but no human resists freedom, and that’s where the magic of that phrase comes.” 

She also stressed that you must pair the use of mental training with a commitment to take action. “What taking action is about is being careful that you are not handing your life over to the universe when there are things you could do to help move your life forward.”

So Where Do I Stand on This?

My initial motivation to look into the value of affirmations stemmed from my desire to create a guided meditation for a singing course I am developing, called, Wake Up Your Life with Singing! In my many years as vocal coach and professional singer, I’ve learned the vital importance of being in a receptive state of mind when you are learning to sing. Especially later in life when old habits can be difficult to change.

Now, after doing the research for this article, I’ve got a few new tricks up my sleeve! Based in part on what I’ve learned, I am creating a guided meditation that I believe adult singers will be willing to accept. Here are the first three phrases:

• As I begin this journey to explore my voice, I am also free to express more of my feelings.
• I believe that this can be a happy, light and joyful experience.
• Where I may have had doubts about my singing voice, I am now free to feel a quiet confidence.

When it comes to believing in the power of words, I am still my mother’s daughter. I remember a quote she often said to me: “Hold thought steadfastly to the enduring, the good, and the true, and you will bring these into your experience proportionately to their occupancy of your thoughts.”

Have you used positive affirmations? Have they worked for you? If so, in what way have they benefited (or not) your life?

My father was a decent and thoughtful man whose life was shattered by World War Two. An accountant by training, he arrived in Canada, penniless and unable to speak English, with a young family in tow.

It was a classic immigrant success story. We weren’t wealthy, but I wanted for nothing and was amazingly lucky to have two loving, caring, and attentive parents.

One morning, at the age of 63, he got up, had a heart attack, and was dead by lunchtime. I was a thousand miles away, and by the time I got home, only the funeral arrangements remained.

I still think of him today, 45 years later, and of how his life might have been different if only he hadn’t been caught up in the war, or if he had looked after himself a bit better as he got older. They say you’re still alive as long as people who loved you still remember you. I hope that comforts him.

But what does it actually mean to remember someone? What is a memory anyway? I’m an award-winning neuroscientist who has spent his career studying the brain and helping the average person protect against cognitive decline and age-related illnesses like Alzheimer’s.

The Neurons That Fire Together

In the last couple of decades, we’ve learned a tremendous amount about how the brain works. But the origins of our modern understanding of the workings of memory stem from the ideas of Donald Hebb, a famous Canadian psychologist who developed theories of how neurons strengthened their connections with each other depending on how and when they were activated.

His theory was later summarized in the pithy phrase:

 “NEURONS THAT FIRE TOGETHER WIRE TOGETHER”

It’s actually that simple! And also correct.

How does this help us to understand how the memory of my father might be represented in my brain? And can it help us to strengthen our own memory processes?

Memories from Our Brain’s Perspective

We can imagine the representation of my father in my brain with the help of the image below. This perspective of my brain is from the side, with the visual cortex at the back of the brain on the left. The spots of light indicate the areas of visual brain activity associated with my dad – the shoes he wore, the image of his face, his long fingers and so on.

In the middle of the brain, at the top, is the tactile cortex. Here are the representations of his touch: His hand on my shoulder, his kiss, the textures of his clothes. Below the touch cortex lies the auditory cortex.

Here the spots of light are neural representations of the sound of his voice, the wise things he said to me, his favorite music. Over time, as I grew up and interacted with my father, looked at him, heard his voice, felt his touch, all of these spots of light, the firing neurons of my brain, were active at the same time, firing together.

And, as a result, by the magic of neuroplasticity, they all wired together, and formed an interconnected network of neurons.

My father has been dead for a long time, and often weeks will go by without me thinking of him. But last week, I turned on the radio, and on came the “Overture” from Carmen by George Bizet. It was one of my dad’s favorites, and it instantly brought him back to me. I could see him, hear him, feel his touch, and smell his cologne. How could just hearing a piece of music do all that?

Because the network representing my father was already in my brain, and any stimulus that tickled even a little piece of that network automatically activated all the other neurons that were wired to it.

Lifestyle Factors That Can Strengthen the Brain and Preserve Memory

Sadly, our ability to construct new networks and memories tends to decline with age, but scientists are learning a lot about the ways to strengthen and preserve our ability to make memories and form new networks.

It turns out that there are lots of things we can do to strengthen our memories and other domains of our brain health as well. One surprising way to improve memory is to improve sleep. We now know that during sleep, we actually replay and rehearse the memories of the last few days, giving neurons another chance to fire and wire together. Poor sleep is associated with poor memory and improved sleep is possible with new tools and techniques.

Another way to improve memory is to increase your level of physical activity. This actually increases the number of new neurons formed in the brain, and these new neurons are available to help form new networks and memories.

For more insights into brain plasticity, read our blog at the Synaptitude Brain Health website and try the free brain health assessment to see where you can make the biggest health impact on the most important part of your body. Hopefully, your dad will shine brighter in your brain.

How do you remember your father – or a memorable paternal figure? Which sensory stimulations bring him back the most vividly? Do you remember his favourite food, song, activity? Are there any special things you do on Father’s Day to remember your dad?

Tracy Tutor’s Pink Square Sunglasses on Instastories

Million Dollar Listing LA 2021 Instagram Fashion

What looks sweeter the candy, or Tracy Tutor’s pink square sunglasses? You may think the licorice is, but the correct answer is in fact the sunglasses. Sure it may be my current sunglasses obsession talking, but there are fewer calories in the sunglasses and they just look so chic. I mean the pink would make any outfit pop like Pop Rocks. Which means you’d be a Sucker not to want to get your hands on a pair.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Click Here to Shop Her Gucci Pink Square Sunglasses

Photo Credit: @tracytutor

Originally posted at: Tracy Tutor’s Pink Square Sunglasses