You applaud your friend Mary Jane’s exuberance as she describes her delight with her new-found hobby, tap-dancing. OK, she’ll never be Fred Astaire, but she’s thrilled at what she and her fellow tap students, not a one under 60, are accomplishing.

You listen appreciatively as your sister-in-law waxes enthusiastic over the writing class she’s joined. How wonderful. Your neighbor proudly displays the maneuvers her dog has learned on the agility training they started together but a year ago. They are both 70: your neighbor in people years, her pup in dog years. Still, at 70?

You promptly get depressed. You’re thinking of embarking on a new project, now that masks are off among the vaccinated and the world is opening up: square dancing. Right on cue, your 68 year old self runs through your usual litany: I’m too old, out of shape, too uncoordinated, too clumsy, directionally challenged, tire easily…

The list goes on and on. The result? You don’t join the “Square Dancing for Seniors” that looked so fun on the YouTube video. Sigh.

Your Confirmation Bias

What’s wrong with you? Nothing, really. You just have a bad case of “confirmation bias,” which is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one’s prior beliefs or values.

Namely, your belief that you are too old, out of shape, too uncoordinated, too clumsy, directionally challenged, tire easily, and all the rest. You haven’t even set one foot in the square dance class to see if maybe, just maybe, you aren’t too old, out of shape, etc., to join in the fun.

Challenge Your Prior Beliefs

But here’s the thing. When we don’t challenge prior beliefs or ingrained thoughts about ourselves, we can’t move forward. We stop exploring or discovering potential joy before we even start the process. We get stuck on all our previous “I can’ts,” not realizing how powerful it would be to shift our words to “I won’t.” Which opens a whole new world of possibilities.

“I can’t because I’m too old,” when switched to “I won’t because I’m too old,” changes everything. “I won’t” implies a choice. It’s not set in concrete, whereas “I can’t” is. “I won’t” begs the question, “Well, why not?” Now the answer will be more along the lines of “Because I’m scared I won’t do well. I’ll embarrass myself in front of others.” Now you are truly at choice.

These are emotional responses, true ones for you, but which can be soothed, whereas “I can’t” is almost impossible to budge. Whereas “I’m scared” leads to “So is everyone else trying out something new, especially the older we get. Oh, these are all seniors in the class. Hmm.”

“I’ll embarrass myself in front of others” becomes “I’ll make mistakes and stumble and look like – oh, I’ll look like what I am. A beginner. Which is what everyone else in the class was, or is.”

The Impossible Becomes Doable

Just like for Trudy Smith, at 102, whose paintings were featured at a local seniors community center in Eaton, Western Australia. All her life, Trudy wanted to be a painter, but her father wouldn’t hear of such “nonsense,” and her husband was so critical that she didn’t dare pick up a brush.

Trudy began painting at 85, far later than most people would think possible, yet that was unimportant to her. Trudy’s passion, supported with diligent practice and patience as she learned her art, paid off with a marvelous exhibit of her works.

What if Trudy had let “I can’t” rule her passion? What if she’d absorbed her father’s interdiction, and her husband’s criticalness, such that she came to believe them – something that happens all too often for far too many of us.

Your “I can’t” on whatever subject, comes for the most part out of what people have said of you or the opinions you’ve generated of yourself based on what the media – social or otherwise – proclaims. Look at babies. They don’t have a clue what they supposedly can or can’t do, so they go at life with gusto.

Be like Trudy. Let “I will” rule your heartfelt desires, and let the “I can’ts” dissolve into a past that no longer exists.

What new hobby or project have you started in your 60s or beyond? What are the ideas or beliefs that are keeping you from trying new things? Do you often hear “I can’t” in your thoughts? Where does that stem from and are you willing to change it?

If you’re a so-called “bottle blonde,” and have to resort to salon services to maintain your lightened locks, you know that being blonde is not only expensive AF, but it’s also just downright hard. Before taking a deep dive into our comprehensive blonde hair color guide informed by Los Angeles based colorist (and bona fide blonde guru) Linet K, let’s first address some of the potential reasons for why we oftentimes find ourselves leaving the salon dissatisfied (and sometimes straight-up horrified) with the end result. The most common reason for leaving the salon in a state of distress is that your expectations simply weren’t realistic and/or weren’t matched with your budget, the condition of your hair, your natural color’s aptitude to lift (lighten), or the time limit you’d allotted for the service.

If you’ve ever tried to go from a brunette (or worse, redhead) to blonde with only one salon session, you’ve probably been told that this transformation is virtually impossible to undergo within one day if you plan on actually leaving with some hair left on your head. Of course, aside from consulting with your colorist about possibilities and options, it’s also possible you weren’t specific enough in communicating your hair goals or simply didn’t even know what you wanted (all you knew is that it wasn’t what you left with).

Even if you have the most amazing colorist in your city and bring in the most illustrative inspiration pics the margin of “error,” walking out of the salon with the exact shade, undertone and effect you dreamed of us is unlikely without the right vocabulary.  Not only is there a highly nuanced shade palette when it comes to a vast range of different hues under the broad “blonde” umbrella, but there is also a slew of different tones (ash, neutral, golden, icy…and the list goes on). There’s also a ton of different blonding techniques that will each give you a different look.

On top of this, colorists and hairstylists seem to have adopted their own language choc-full of mystifying terms and descriptives, and if you don’t know the jargon, you may be at a disadvantage when you’re trying to distinguish whether you’re coveting dimension, a smudged root, or blended babylights, or whether you’re looking for a “bronde,” baby blonde or champagne-hued accent highlights. “The best thing to do is to take in photos of what you like because your interpretation or understanding of cool, neutral, and platinum are not the same or someone else’s understanding of those terms,” Linet advises.

Balayage, babylights and partial highlights offer the most natural-looking blonde requiring less maintenance and offering a more forgiving grow-up process, while bleach and tones give an all-over blonde (often platinum-white) but you’ll have to be religious about root touch-ups every 3-4 weeks to avoid stark lines of demarcation. “Balayage lasts for between 3-6 months, whereas highlights need a touch up every 4-6 weeks, so you can save money with a balayage with more infrequent salon visits,” she says.

According to Linet, it’s also important to factor in the condition of your hair, if you have a ton of breakage from previous bleach jobs or excessive heat styling, a bleach and tone or platinum highlights, aren’t ideal. “Balayage [tend to be] the least damaging because the bleach doesn’t go all the way up to the root, and there are fewer pieces of hair bleached compared to highlights or babylights,” she says. Regardless of which technique and tone you decide, ensuring you protect the integrity of your hair (another popular salon term, I’ve heard numerous times), selecting the right products to maintain your hair’s health and keep your locks bright and brass-free is essential.

The two products she recommends to her blonde clients? A good bond-builder and violet-hued shampoo. “Olaplex will keep the hair strong and healthy! Purple shampoo only once a week to keep it bright, otherwise, it will start looking grey,” she suggests. See below for some of our favorite blonde looks and find out exactly how to ask for them.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Sally Beauty is a STYLECASTER sponsor, however, all products in this article were independently selected by our editors. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Icy Platinum Bleach & Tone

A bleach and tone service involves the process of applying bleach in section to the entire head to a pale yellow or white level and then applying a toner to get the desired undertone. This icy (white, cool-toned cast) is achieved by using a purple or ash-toned glaze over pre-lightened locks. As mentioned, bleach and tone blondes should expect a high-maintenance and expensive salon routine because root regrowth looks stark compared to sectional highlights, hand-painted balayage, or super blended babylights.

Courtesy of Color Lux.

Color Lux Cleansing Conditioner

Using a color-depositing conditioner formulated for platinum blondes will help keep your hair fresher for an extended amount of time. Color Lux’s Cleansing Conditioner in the platinum will help counteract unwanted warmth and keep brass at bay in between your salon appointments.

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Butter Blonde Highlights With Smudged Root

Butter blonde tones are universally flattering on a wide range of skin tones, and they require much less upkeep with maintaining the tone than ash, ice, platinum, and cooler-toned hues. She also appears to have what’s called a smudged root: a process that involves the colorist adding a glaze or demi-permanent gloss darker than the blonde color applied over your roots to soften any harsh lines from your highlights and to help make the grow-out look a bit more natural for those who prefer to only visit the salon for touch-ups a couple of times a year.

Courtesy of GemLites.

ColorLites Color-Depositing Shampoo

This pigmented color-depositing shampoo comes in a variety of hue-enhancing shades, including options for white platinums, golden highlights, and beige blondes. The shade “sandstone” is perfect for maintaining buttery blonde shades.

Buy: GemLites Color-Depositing Shampoo $35

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Mushroom Blonde Color Melt

Mushroom blonde is probably one of the biggest hair color trends swirling about this summer, and for good reason. The ash-based hue is a combination of grayish-brown and neutral blonde, infused with highlights and low-lights in a myriad of different shades and tones for an ultra-natural look that still delivers ample dimension and character. The color melt technique is a popular way to nail this look because it concentrates on lighter shades at the bottom of the hair with a gradient effect from the root to strands. It’s one of the most fuss-free hair services you can choose from, and it complements the multifaceted ‘shroom shades beautifully.

Courtesy of Fanola.

Fanola No Yellow Shampoo

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this violet-tinged shampoo is the ultimate brass-blocker I’ve found. Colorists swear by it — even to use in place of an actual toner. It’s that good. This formula will help keep the mushroom tones nice and ashy and will counteract brass.

Buy: Fanola No Yellow Shampoo $24.99

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Golden Blonde Babylights

Babylights are one of the go-to highlighting methods used on clients looking for a super-natural looking blonde that mimics the enviable soft dimension you’ll see on naturally blonde tresses of children (most people lose this lustrous effect with age). This method offers a super-subtle look and tends to grow out beautifully depending on how light you go.

Courtesy of FEKKAI.

FEKKAI Baby Blonde Shampoo

This blonde-enhancing shampoo helps keep golden locks looking shiny and vibrant, but isn’t as pigmented as other purple-toned shampoos, so it won’t leave your locks looking ashy or silvery.

Buy: Fekkai Baby Blonde Shampoo $19.99

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Silver Blonde Bleach & Tone

Another bleach and tone example, this striking blonde has been bleached to a pale yellow and toned with an ash or silver toner to create a grayish hue. If you choose to rock this look, prepare for some serious commitment when it comes to your maintenance routine. We advise investing in silver or violet-hued shampoo to maintain the brilliance and counteract brass (especially if your natural hair color is darker) in between salon visits.

Courtesy of Luesta.

Luesta Hair Brightening Mask

This two-in-one hair mask delivers anti-brass powers to keep yellow tones at bay, while also conditioning the hair to reverse breakage and bleach damage.

Buy: Luesta Hair Brightening Mask $26.90

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Ash Blonde With Platinum Accent “Money Piece” Highlights

This ash-blonde look is accented with a touch of face-framing highlights positioned strategically around the face for a sun-kissed effect. I’ve also heard these accent or face frame highlights referred to as “pops,” money pieces, crown highlights, and frosted tip highlights in salons.

Courtesy of Kerastase.

Kérastase Blond Absolu CicaFlash Conditioner

This fortifying hair treatment will keep your brighter pieces healthy, strong, and hydrated while also boosting their brightness when your in-between visits to your colorist. It’s infused with hyaluronic acid fills, which work to help repair damage and prevent further breakage.

Buy: Kerastase Blond Absolu $49.99

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Honey Blonde Balayage

Giselle’s signature beachy highlights look effortless and sexy — and they’re actually just as low-key when it comes to maintenance and grow-out as they seem. Balayage is a process of highlighting that (usually) favor the hand-painting technique for placement rather than foils for a more natural look. Balayage often has a rootier look, without being full-on ombre.

Courtesy of CHI.

CHI Ionic Illuminate Golden Blonde Conditioner

Keep your golden strands bright and healthy with this subtle color-depositing conditioner, which also doubles as a bond builder for repairing and restricting damage.

Buy: CHI Golden Blonde Conditioner $15.04

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Bronde With Ribbon Highlights

Bronde (you guessed it, a slightly blonder brunette shade) is a great option for those on a budget or those who don’t want to fuss with frequent salon appointments to deal with roots. It adds just a touch of dimension and brightness to your natural (or color-treated) hue without a huge investment or commitment. This bronde shade has a pop of blonde with cascading, ultra-thin “ribbon highlights” position around the entire head (as opposed to accent highlights) where the sun would naturally hit.

Courtesy of DP Hue.

DP Hue Gloss+ in Dark Blonde

This color-refreshing gloss gives the perfect pick-me-up to keep warm bronde hues fresh. This low-maintenance look requires little upkeep, but adding a gloss like DP Hue’s will help you push back frequent visits to the salon.

Buy: DP Hue Color Gloss $35

If you’re a so-called “bottle blonde,” and have to resort to salon services to maintain your lightened locks, you know that being blonde is not only expensive AF, but it’s also just downright hard. Before taking a deep dive into our comprehensive blonde hair color guide informed by Los Angeles based colorist (and bona fide blonde guru) Linet K, let’s first address some of the potential reasons for why we oftentimes find ourselves leaving the salon dissatisfied (and sometimes straight-up horrified) with the end result. The most common reason for leaving the salon in a state of distress is that your expectations simply weren’t realistic and/or weren’t matched with your budget, the condition of your hair, your natural color’s aptitude to lift (lighten), or the time limit you’d allotted for the service.

If you’ve ever tried to go from a brunette (or worse, redhead) to blonde with only one salon session, you’ve probably been told that this transformation is virtually impossible to undergo within one day if you plan on actually leaving with some hair left on your head. Of course, aside from consulting with your colorist about possibilities and options, it’s also possible you weren’t specific enough in communicating your hair goals or simply didn’t even know what you wanted (all you knew is that it wasn’t what you left with).

Even if you have the most amazing colorist in your city and bring in the most illustrative inspiration pics the margin of “error,” walking out of the salon with the exact shade, undertone and effect you dreamed of us is unlikely without the right vocabulary.  Not only is there a highly nuanced shade palette when it comes to a vast range of different hues under the broad “blonde” umbrella, but there is also a slew of different tones (ash, neutral, golden, icy…and the list goes on). There’s also a ton of different blonding techniques that will each give you a different look.

On top of this, colorists and hairstylists seem to have adopted their own language choc-full of mystifying terms and descriptives, and if you don’t know the jargon, you may be at a disadvantage when you’re trying to distinguish whether you’re coveting dimension, a smudged root, or blended babylights, or whether you’re looking for a “bronde,” baby blonde or champagne-hued accent highlights. “The best thing to do is to take in photos of what you like because your interpretation or understanding of cool, neutral, and platinum are not the same or someone else’s understanding of those terms,” Linet advises.

Balayage, babylights and partial highlights offer the most natural-looking blonde requiring less maintenance and offering a more forgiving grow-up process, while bleach and tones give an all-over blonde (often platinum-white) but you’ll have to be religious about root touch-ups every 3-4 weeks to avoid stark lines of demarcation. “Balayage lasts for between 3-6 months, whereas highlights need a touch up every 4-6 weeks, so you can save money with a balayage with more infrequent salon visits,” she says.

According to Linet, it’s also important to factor in the condition of your hair, if you have a ton of breakage from previous bleach jobs or excessive heat styling, a bleach and tone or platinum highlights, aren’t ideal. “Balayage [tend to be] the least damaging because the bleach doesn’t go all the way up to the root, and there are fewer pieces of hair bleached compared to highlights or babylights,” she says. Regardless of which technique and tone you decide, ensuring you protect the integrity of your hair (another popular salon term, I’ve heard numerous times), selecting the right products to maintain your hair’s health and keep your locks bright and brass-free is essential.

The two products she recommends to her blonde clients? A good bond-builder and violet-hued shampoo. “Olaplex will keep the hair strong and healthy! Purple shampoo only once a week to keep it bright, otherwise, it will start looking grey,” she suggests. See below for some of our favorite blonde looks and find out exactly how to ask for them.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Sally Beauty is a STYLECASTER sponsor, however, all products in this article were independently selected by our editors. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Icy Platinum Bleach & Tone

A bleach and tone service involves the process of applying bleach in section to the entire head to a pale yellow or white level and then applying a toner to get the desired undertone. This icy (white, cool-toned cast) is achieved by using a purple or ash-toned glaze over pre-lightened locks. As mentioned, bleach and tone blondes should expect a high-maintenance and expensive salon routine because root regrowth looks stark compared to sectional highlights, hand-painted balayage, or super blended babylights.

Courtesy of Color Lux.

Color Lux Cleansing Conditioner

Using a color-depositing conditioner formulated for platinum blondes will help keep your hair fresher for an extended amount of time. Color Lux’s Cleansing Conditioner in the platinum will help counteract unwanted warmth and keep brass at bay in between your salon appointments.

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Butter Blonde Highlights With Smudged Root

Butter blonde tones are universally flattering on a wide range of skin tones, and they require much less upkeep with maintaining the tone than ash, ice, platinum, and cooler-toned hues. She also appears to have what’s called a smudged root: a process that involves the colorist adding a glaze or demi-permanent gloss darker than the blonde color applied over your roots to soften any harsh lines from your highlights and to help make the grow-out look a bit more natural for those who prefer to only visit the salon for touch-ups a couple of times a year.

Courtesy of GemLites.

ColorLites Color-Depositing Shampoo

This pigmented color-depositing shampoo comes in a variety of hue-enhancing shades, including options for white platinums, golden highlights, and beige blondes. The shade “sandstone” is perfect for maintaining buttery blonde shades.

Buy: GemLites Color-Depositing Shampoo $35

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Mushroom Blonde Color Melt

Mushroom blonde is probably one of the biggest hair color trends swirling about this summer, and for good reason. The ash-based hue is a combination of grayish-brown and neutral blonde, infused with highlights and low-lights in a myriad of different shades and tones for an ultra-natural look that still delivers ample dimension and character. The color melt technique is a popular way to nail this look because it concentrates on lighter shades at the bottom of the hair with a gradient effect from the root to strands. It’s one of the most fuss-free hair services you can choose from, and it complements the multifaceted ‘shroom shades beautifully.

Courtesy of Fanola.

Fanola No Yellow Shampoo

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this violet-tinged shampoo is the ultimate brass-blocker I’ve found. Colorists swear by it — even to use in place of an actual toner. It’s that good. This formula will help keep the mushroom tones nice and ashy and will counteract brass.

Buy: Fanola No Yellow Shampoo $24.99

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Golden Blonde Babylights

Babylights are one of the go-to highlighting methods used on clients looking for a super-natural looking blonde that mimics the enviable soft dimension you’ll see on naturally blonde tresses of children (most people lose this lustrous effect with age). This method offers a super-subtle look and tends to grow out beautifully depending on how light you go.

Courtesy of FEKKAI.

FEKKAI Baby Blonde Shampoo

This blonde-enhancing shampoo helps keep golden locks looking shiny and vibrant, but isn’t as pigmented as other purple-toned shampoos, so it won’t leave your locks looking ashy or silvery.

Buy: Fekkai Baby Blonde Shampoo $19.99

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Silver Blonde Bleach & Tone

Another bleach and tone example, this striking blonde has been bleached to a pale yellow and toned with an ash or silver toner to create a grayish hue. If you choose to rock this look, prepare for some serious commitment when it comes to your maintenance routine. We advise investing in silver or violet-hued shampoo to maintain the brilliance and counteract brass (especially if your natural hair color is darker) in between salon visits.

Courtesy of Luesta.

Luesta Hair Brightening Mask

This two-in-one hair mask delivers anti-brass powers to keep yellow tones at bay, while also conditioning the hair to reverse breakage and bleach damage.

Buy: Luesta Hair Brightening Mask $26.90

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Ash Blonde With Platinum Accent “Money Piece” Highlights

This ash-blonde look is accented with a touch of face-framing highlights positioned strategically around the face for a sun-kissed effect. I’ve also heard these accent or face frame highlights referred to as “pops,” money pieces, crown highlights, and frosted tip highlights in salons.

Courtesy of Kerastase.

Kérastase Blond Absolu CicaFlash Conditioner

This fortifying hair treatment will keep your brighter pieces healthy, strong, and hydrated while also boosting their brightness when your in-between visits to your colorist. It’s infused with hyaluronic acid fills, which work to help repair damage and prevent further breakage.

Buy: Kerastase Blond Absolu $49.99

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Honey Blonde Balayage

Giselle’s signature beachy highlights look effortless and sexy — and they’re actually just as low-key when it comes to maintenance and grow-out as they seem. Balayage is a process of highlighting that (usually) favor the hand-painting technique for placement rather than foils for a more natural look. Balayage often has a rootier look, without being full-on ombre.

Courtesy of CHI.

CHI Ionic Illuminate Golden Blonde Conditioner

Keep your golden strands bright and healthy with this subtle color-depositing conditioner, which also doubles as a bond builder for repairing and restricting damage.

Buy: CHI Golden Blonde Conditioner $15.04

Courtesy of ImaxTree.

Bronde With Ribbon Highlights

Bronde (you guessed it, a slightly blonder brunette shade) is a great option for those on a budget or those who don’t want to fuss with frequent salon appointments to deal with roots. It adds just a touch of dimension and brightness to your natural (or color-treated) hue without a huge investment or commitment. This bronde shade has a pop of blonde with cascading, ultra-thin “ribbon highlights” position around the entire head (as opposed to accent highlights) where the sun would naturally hit.

Courtesy of DP Hue.

DP Hue Gloss+ in Dark Blonde

This color-refreshing gloss gives the perfect pick-me-up to keep warm bronde hues fresh. This low-maintenance look requires little upkeep, but adding a gloss like DP Hue’s will help you push back frequent visits to the salon.

Buy: DP Hue Color Gloss $35

It’s the rainy season here in Costa Rica and it makes me think of comfort food. There’s only one small problem – it’s hot out! It might be raining, but the temperature is still in the 80s.

So I’m dreaming of a hot bowl of soup. I love lentil soup with a dollop of pesto on top, or maybe a good vegetable soup. Oh and some bread to go along with it. Of course, I will be baking my own!

Now, I just need to make the perfect tray to go with it and I know just where to look for wood – the river.

The River

At this time of the year, Chuck and I love to walk down to the river. It’s not far at all – maybe a 15-minute walk from our house. It’s where the river meets the ocean.

I love this place for it’s beauty and the ever changing landscape. Many different kinds of birds come to the jungle’s edge of the river to nest. I love the pelicans. Oh yes, there are crocodiles in this river. Many of the local men fish here and catch some awesome fish. I’m not sure what the crocodiles catch.

I am a scavenger. I love to find things on the shore of the river. A sea purse is one of my favorite things to find down here. The sea purse or Ojo de Bueyes, Eye of the Oxen as it’s called here in Costa Rica, is really a drift seed and it’s so beautiful and shiny. It looks like a piece of wood.

Depending on the rainfall, there may be even more to find. When we get 5 inches of rain in 24 hours, we know there will be plenty of stuff to rummage through down by the river.

My Favorite Find

I am always on the lookout for flat pieces of wood that I can carry home. Chuck hates it when I find a large piece – he doesn’t want to carry it!

So, now I just look for pieces that can be used for trays – bread trays or something I can use for serving food on. Chuck will have to get out the belt sander for this job.

I can do it. It’s heavy, but it sure cleans up the wood that I find and makes it smooth. That said, I always have to get it to Chuck’s specifications. He’s a perfectionist, after all. Did I say it was heavy and hard to do? Well it is.

Sometimes I end up with a really nice serving tray. If the wood has been tumbled by the river and sanded by the ocean it can be perfect.

Here are the pictures of some of my found wood. The one on the right might have been a drawer front. I gave that one away with a loaf of sweet bread on it as a gift.

A New Addition to My World of Bread

I love this crisp Focaccia with Parmesan cheese, rosemary, red chili flakes, sea salt and fresh garlic on top. I placed it on my wood tray from the river.

A glass of wine or a cold beer is perfect with this Focaccia. I know because I made it for us to eat with our Eggplant Parmesan and we ended up eating it all before dinner was even ready. It was so good!

If you would like to give it a try, here’s my recipe.

A Recipe for Crisp and Thin Focaccia

1 1/4 Cups of flour

1/3 Cup semolina flour. I didn’t have this, so I just used 1/3 cup of more flour

1/4 Teaspoon of salt

1 Tablespoon of olive oil

1/4 Cup + 3 tablespoons of water

In a medium bowl mix the flour and salt. Then add the olive oil and water. Mix until almost combined.

Put the mixture on a lightly floured surface and knead for about 10 minutes, or until smooth. Now form it into a ball, cover and let rest for 30 minutes

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. My oven only goes to 400 and it still worked.

Divide the dough into 5 balls, using your fingers. Then, use a rolling pin to make them flat and thin. They don’t have to be perfect… or even very round for that matter.

Place them on a lightly oiled cookie sheet or pizza pan. Now sprinkle on a little olive oil and whatever you like: parmesan cheese, chili flakes, sea salt, rosemary, basil and fresh chopped garlic.

Bake for 10 minutes, or until golden. Enjoy! This recipe is adapted from anItalianinmykitchen.com

What do you like to collect? Do you have a hobby that involves your collectibles? Can you use some of these in the kitchen and in what way? Do you have a favorite recipe that you would like to share? Please join the conversation.

Should you read your parents’ letters? Are their journals and private musings cathartic or potentially devastating?

I face this question right now, and it’s a big one.

A while back, after moving to Eugene, Oregon this past year, I saw an article by a fellow Sixty writer which touched on this very thing. Having just discovered what I then considered a treasure trove of boxes of my parents’ writing, and they were prolific as am I, at the time I didn’t agree with her assessment that it was best she didn’t read that material.

Since then I’ve had second thoughts. I wrote an article not long ago, a very painful one, wherein I explored how it feels to not be chosen by one’s parents. When they prefer another child, over and over again, the very child that steals, hurts, does damage. In my case, that child committed incest against me, a terrible secret that I was well aware I couldn’t divulge to my parents.

Towards the end of their lives, my parents wrote me out of their will, and chose my brother, who proceeded to clean my mother’s bank accounts after Dad died. I had to take her checkbook or she would have become a ward of the state. That cost me my brother, not a great loss to be frank, but it saved my mother.

She still chose him over me, in one of the great mysteries of how the heart works. I think somehow she believed that money would save him, which it didn’t, but I have to believe (not being a mom myself) that when spit and a Kleenex can’t work, maybe money will.

Not Typical Parents

My parents didn’t like kids and trumpeted to anyone who would listen in Washington DC in the 40s that they hated them. By the time they had moved to Central Florida in 1949, something had shifted, and along we came.

I think my parents were of two minds: we were projects they took on, and were proof (or not) of their success as people. So when my body expanded the same way my father’s genetic heritage would determine, I was deemed an insult. Fat, or an imperfect body, were reflections on them.

Without going into detail, suffice it to say that the combination of my brother’s predations and the body shaming of my youth, it wasn’t terribly fun. I left home at 16, joined the Army at 21 and made my way.

Writing – a Family Trait

My parents wrote extensively to friends, long before we showed up and long after. My brother and I, raised in a family of writers, wrote them. Peter wrote them asking for money. I wrote stories about my life and adventures.

My parents didn’t approve of my choices, my lifestyle or much of anything else. There’s no question that complaints about all those aspects of my life are woven into the many narratives; especially as my father, who liked to tell people he had raised two “losers,” needed to create distance between himself and his failed offspring.

As much as my folks were flawed, they tried hard, and it would be unfair to demonize them. We all struggle. Those struggles, given my folks’ love of the dramatic – which I inherited – are likely etched into the pounds of pages of handwritten and carefully typed tomes that now inhabit my garage.

Is It Worth the Journey?

My father passed at 84 of cancer and a lifetime of alcoholism. As much as he graced me with a multitude of gifts, for which I am forever grateful, his outspoken disapproval and disregard for my humanity made loving him very hard.

When I visited them, he would sit outside with neighbors and speak loudly about all my faults and transgressions, knowing full well I could hear. Or he would abuse me to my face, causing my then-husband to refuse to come to their house and have to bear witness.

He died long before I wrote two prize-winning books, long before I won a journalism prize, long before I became a serious athlete and an accomplished adventure traveler.

My mother lost her eyesight so she couldn’t see my books or articles. I couldn’t regale her with adventures for she accused me of having a death wish. She had a wicked, caustic tongue, and my soul still bears the scars of her berating my body, as had my father.

There is no question that plenty of this, penned with the assumption that I would read none of it, lies in those boxes below me. Is it worth the pain of revisiting parental censure at 68? Do I really need to reopen the wounds of not being the chosen one, but instead causing my parents shame and embarrassment?

Then Isn’t Now. And That Makes All the Difference

While I haven’t yet decided, this much I do know. At this age, I possess the grace to hold my parents’ choices a great deal more lightly and to put them into context. All of us are born with certain “factory defects,” if you will, be they genetics or disposition or a penchant for leaning a little too far from the law. Who knows?

Our parents do their best with what they can, or could, in most cases. There is something to be said for being a loving student of our folks’ frailties, and being willing to discard their judgment in search of a greater truth.

Their words can only do damage if I allow them to. If anything, a trip through the great forest of my parents’ words put to paper might well be the kind of adventure travel I was finally meant to take, if for no other reason than release from whatever emotional prison I might still inhabit.

I might also find healing in ways I don’t expect. That is also a very real possibility, in being able to finally experience my parents as people, not as PARENTs, with all the explicit and implicit weight those words carry.

It would take courage of a very different kind, perhaps. At this age, I am living the life my mother wanted to live but couldn’t. I suspect some of her pain is in her writings. My father, too. I am not the author of that pain, even if they would like to lay some of it on my then-childish shoulders. It is, sometimes, what we do when our burdens become too much to carry.

Is it time? I don’t know. But I have ever leaned into those scary, little-trod paths in our woods. Those journeys have inevitably been the best life had to offer.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this story, here’s my hopefully gentle way of inviting you to read more of my stuff.

What about you? Have you braved reading your parent’s writings? What did you learn about them and yourself on the way? What were you able to gain or release?