Whether it comes unexpectedly or after a long illness, losing a spouse is traumatic at best. At worst it can be debilitating. I know because, at age 35, I became a widow myself.

While many people want to help, it can be difficult to know how to approach someone consumed by such overwhelming grief. And unfortunately, the result is many people end up feeling paralyzed and offer no help at all.

If you’re struggling with how to help a newly widowed friend, here are 10 suggestions.

Bring Food, but Coordinate with Others

When tragedy hits, people tend to show up with casseroles, cookies and other edibles. That can be a perfect response. It is particularly good if your friend has kids or grandkids in the house to feed. However, good intentions can quickly overwhelm a grieving family if they receive multiple meals in a single day.

Try a website such as TakeThemAMeal.com, SignUpGenius.com or CareCalendar.com to coordinate with other family and friends. Not only does this ensure your friend is getting one meal a day, but it helps avoid duplicates of the same meal within a week.

Come and Clean Her House

It’s not unusual for someone in mourning to struggle with even basic tasks. Help your friend by cleaning the house or weeding the garden. Alternatively, arrange for a handyman to come in and take care of all the items that formerly may have landed on her honey-do list. Again, sites like SignUpGenius.com and CareCalendar.org can help a group of friends coordinate on these tasks.

Suggest Ways to Help Rather Than Ask

Here’s the catch. If you ask your friend whether she wants help, she could say no even if she really is floundering. “We’re doing ok but thanks” was my standard response when someone asked if they could do something for us. That was one-part pride talking, one-part denial.

Plus, people in the thick of grief often have no idea what they need. They are in shock and can barely get out of bed in the morning. They cannot articulate how someone can make their life better. To help them out, try not to say, “What can I do to help?” Instead try, “I’d like to come over on Saturday afternoon to weed your garden. Is that ok?”

This phrasing makes it easy for your friend to accept while still giving her the opportunity to decline if she really wants to be alone.

Send a Card When You Don’t Know What to Say

Death leaves us feeling helpless, and everything we say seems woefully inadequate. If you don’t know what to say on the phone or in person, send your friend a card. Every card I received after my husband’s death was a comfort. They reminded me other people cared and hadn’t forgotten about me.

Skip platitudes about it being God’s will or that he’s in a better place. Those things may be true, depending on your beliefs, but they are not comforting. Instead, say you’re sorry and then follow up with a sentence or two about your friend’s spouse. For example, say, “I’ll always remember when ________” or “I loved how he ________.” He was important to her, she wants to hear he was important to others too.

Talk About Your Friend’s Spouse

Along those same lines, don’t make your friend’s spouse a taboo subject. Too many people seem to want to bury all mention of the deceased. And I get that. People are concerned about upsetting a widow or aren’t sure what they would do if she started crying.

It’s awkward for us too. However, it’s even worse to think everyone has moved on with their lives and forgotten our husbands. Don’t be afraid to mention his name and point out things he’d love or happy memories you have of him. If your friend starts crying, say I’m sorry and that you miss him too. Don’t feel like you have to fill the space with any more than that.

Mark Your Calendar with Her Important Dates

At a certain point, everyone else’s life does go on. That’s to be expected, but don’t forget that your friend is still grieving. There is no expiration date on her pain.

Milestone dates like birthdays, anniversaries and the date of a spouse’s death can be especially difficult. Make a note of these dates in your calendar and when the day arrives, reach out to your friend with a card, call or text. Let her know you haven’t forgotten and that you’re thinking about her.

Offer to Take the Kids on a Fun Outing

If your friend is caring for kids or grandkids, find an opportunity to take them out for the day. A couple of my friends did just that, and it gave my kids a welcome distraction while providing me with some much-needed time alone at the house.

To make it easy for your friend to accept your offer, don’t make it sound like you’re going out of your way to make the invitation. It’s not that she would be ungrateful, but widows can be reluctant to accept help if they feel like they’re being a burden on others.

It’s easier to say yes to something like “We’re planning to see a movie and wondered if the kids would like to come along” rather than “Let us take the kids off your hands for a day.”

Invite Your Friend Out for the Day

Invite your friend to coffee, lunch or a movie. Or anything else you would have done together prior to her husband’s death. Becoming a widow can be an isolating experience. People don’t always know what to say so they say nothing at all. Don’t avoid your friend but continue to include her in activities as you did in the past.

Provide Compassion, Not Pity

This is a tough one because there is a fine line between compassion and pity. While I can’t speak for all widows, I must say that I hit a point where it seemed like everyone looked at me with sad eyes and gave the verbal equivalent of “oh, you poor thing.” It was tiring to feel like I had somehow become defined solely by my circumstances.

The first time you see a new widow, please by all means share your deep sorrow for her loss. But don’t dwell on it for each subsequent conversation. Hearing “I don’t know how you do it” over and over again is a good way for your friend to start wondering: how does she do it? Have normal conversations with her.

Understand When She Says ‘No’ Or Doesn’t Want to Talk

Everyone grieves differently. Some widows want to be surrounded by others; they want to talk about their husbands to anyone and everyone. Others prefer to stay home alone and process this loss on their own. How people deal with loss changes as time goes on.

So don’t take it personally when your friend declines your invitations or offers for help. And don’t badger her into accepting either. The compassionate thing to do is to reach out every couple of weeks to let her know you’re thinking about her. Tell her that you’d love to see her when she’s ready.

Are you a widow? What’s the best thing someone did for you after your spouse died? Please share your story.

It seems social activities are opening back up to varying degrees depending on where you live. For me here in Oregon, there are opportunities to gather, attend live events and shop without masks, at least at the moment.

As I begin to be more active, I realize that my life balance – relationships, health, contribution, and time freedom – have been out of balance. I focused on activities that I could do alone – fitness and contribution. Last week, I decided just to stop and enjoy a few days of being in touch with what I want in this new freedom of options. After all, living on purpose is living in balance.

It became clear that the domain of life I am rebuilding is relationships – and noticing what risks I am willing to take.

It’s All About Relationships

Isolation has been one of challenges for many over the last 18 months. I thought I was doing great with all of my Zoom gatherings and one on one outside walks with friends.

Then in June my paddling team was cleared to start practicing on the water. The emotion of being together again was overwhelming… and will never be forgotten. Here is an intriguing observation: once on the boat, we were in sync beyond many of our practices prior to the pandemic. Love and gratitude brought us together in a way that all our practices could not.

My two book groups met in person… The thrill of sharing food again felt almost mischievous. I even brought books to share. My heart was full with sensing and seeing the nuances of our communication.

Let us all relish and appreciate the beauty of in person connections. There is power and healing that I now honor more than ever before.

Loving People While Managing the Crowd

My first outing among a crowd of people I did not know was an outdoor jazz festival. What a relief to see all the diversity of our community intact! I relished the crazy outfits and tinted hair among us. That, of course, was at a distance.

Standing in line for food was a different story. There were few masks and no distancing. I was shocked at the panic I felt. I left the line and chose not to eat. So, even with appreciating others, there is only so much closeness I can tolerate right now. Looking back on it, I think both fear of virus transmission and just not being used to crowded conditions played a part. Have you been in a crowd yet?

My other experience was going to an indoor play. All attendees were vaccinated, and it was at 50% capacity. My friends and I were a mix. I chose to wear my mask since we were indoors. Others did not. Would you? The play was fun and intelligent… and it was so good to support and experience the arts again.

Intimacy

Finally, let’s talk about the dating scene. The first question seems to be, “Are you vaccinated?” Would you meet someone if they were not? Personally, I do… and I ask about their reasoning for not being vaccinated. To be honest, it does influence my attraction. Then, for someone where we hit it off, the hug at the end of meeting is awkward, to say the least.

I wish to discover what it will be like to continue developing a relationship with someone beyond the first couple of meetings. My guess is that attraction impacts the amount of risk we are willing to take. Isn’t it strange to even have to consider risk this early in a relationship?

What activities are you resuming? What are you noticing as we return to activities with a refreshed perspective? Is there rebalancing going on in your life?

Lisa Rinna’s Black Robe Making Coffee

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We’ve seen it before and now we’re seeing it again. That’s because Lisa Rinna black robe is sooo comfy even she wears it all the time. I am telling you this robe is the best thing you will ever put on. It’s so versatile too since you can dress it up and wear it out. Or you can just lounge around in it doing chores like cleaning the very messy kitchen (that is if you don’t have hired help). All I can say is this robe is totally worth it and you certainly won’t regret getting it. The only thing you may regret is not getting it in another color.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

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Originally posted at: Lisa Rinna’s Black Robe

When I wrote about beauty for a living, my job required too much product testing for me to consider converting to a fully clean routine. Trying out each and every piece of makeup that hits the market is a genuine chore, though I’m sure to many it sounds like a treat. Sometimes, you just want to use what you know works instead of looking like a mess at the end of the day after volunteering to try the latest underwhelming formula. Fast-forward to now and I have the luxury of trying and using only products with ingredients I feel comfortable with and formulas I’m excited about—and when they’re as good as the new Cover FX Power Flex Mascara, I just have to share.

But first, let me wax poetic on why I’m already a Cover FX stan, and to do this, I require but three little words: Warm. Honey. Blush. The brand’s Monochromatic Blush Duo in “Warm Honey” isn’t just my favorite blush. It’s my sister’s favorite, my best friend’s favorite and yes, even my grandma’s favorite. I know I’m here to tell you all about their newest drop, but if you’re looking for an ol’ faithful, pausing for a moment to order yourself the “Warm Honey” blush would be a very, very smart move.

I digress! Despite my devotion to their blush, I admit that my expectations were low when Cover FX announced their first-ever clean mascara. Why, you ask? In general, clean mascaras are pretty disappointing. Sometimes they’re runny, other times they’re too thin to build, and more often than not they aren’t formulated to last.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

Courtesy of Cover FX.

Cue Cover FX with a mascara to change the game, finally. Power Flex is the perfect combination of a high-performance formula and a unique brush—and it’s this magic match-up that has me so head over heels.

To start with the formula, which I’d say is on the dryer side in the sense that it isn’t runny, key ingredients include conditioning Moringa oil, a lengthening wax blend (vegan, natch) and sweatproof polymers that help create volume and hold lashes in place.

Courtesy of Cover FX.

The accompanying brush is something of a hybrid, with fiber bristles on one side to lengthen and lift and a double-rowed silicone comb on the other to deposit the perfect amount of product at the base of every lash.

As someone who usually uses one mascara to lengthen and another for add volume, I found toggling back and forth between the two sides of the wand to be enough to give me the full effect with just one product and a little patience.

Courtesy of Bella Gerard.

I know my lashes sans-product are shit, but let that be proof of just how good Power Flex truly is! My longest lashes doubled in length, and they appeared darker and thicker without any sign of clumping, which for me is a major win, as my individual lashes are especially thin.

And as for wearability, I can confirm my lashes look great all day and that this stuff never transfers, even in New York summer 95 percent humidity. Usually, a formula this heavy-duty would stress me out, but this one boasts clean, nourishing ingredients that won’t make me regret reaching for it on the daily.

Bottom line? If you’ve been using the same crusty mascara since the start of quarantine, you’re due for something new—and Cover FX’s Power Flex Mascara is my top rec. Whether or not you’re a die-hard for clean beauty, I have a feeling you’re a fan of great results and gorgeous lashes, so it’s safe to say you’ll be pleased with your purchase.

A lot of people, I find, have a close friend who does not make sense. Someone who just doesn’t ‘fit’ with other aspects of their life, and no one from outside can quite understand why they are friends at all.

Such friendships can be especially meaningful and sometimes surprising. Often, these are started at school, where the personalities of those involved were unformed and their subsequent life trajectories very different.

My Young Friend

My friend of this type was a young man with not long to live. I met him through work when I was close to 50 and he was just under 30. He was German, I was American, both living in London, although we first met at a conference in Belgium.

More significantly, he was a gay man, and I was a married woman with two children. He had grown up poor in a mining town in Germany and had taken up nursing when he left school at 16 because the only real alternative was becoming a miner. I came from a professional family in New York and had three degrees.

And he had been living with AIDS for five years, whereas I knew nothing about the disease. He was, indeed, highly active in the HIV/AIDS community, seen as something of a leader amongst them. I liked to keep to myself and never led anybody anywhere.

What Did We See in Each Other?

I saw a very bright, sensitive but troubled man, who liked to reflect on deeper issues. I guess he saw some of the same qualities in me, although I never asked him. We certainly had similar temperaments, mixing reflectiveness with a sense of humour.

He also liked to challenge himself and those around him – and I found that a very inspiring (and somehow intimate) quality.

I also learned that his mother had died when he was 18 months old, and he claimed he had been looking for her (in some unspecified way) all his life. He was friends with a number of older women, of whom I was one. None of us knew each other.

Doing Things Together

We used to meet fairly often, mostly for lunch, although he did come to my house on several occasions.

At one lunch, we first planned what was to become a joint book based on interviews with people with AIDS and HIV, taking place at an international conference he was organising.

As is the case with Covid-19 today, the world was awash with statistics regarding the numbers diagnosed, but I was unaware of many personal stories. I knew that these can have a bigger impact on people than statistics. This strengthened our friendship and proved an important milestone for me in creating books based around interviews.

A Special Lunch

And there was a particularly poignant lunch. Towards the end of his life, he was in and out of hospital with various ailments and I would visit him there. On one occasion, he said, I thought jokingly, “Let’s have lunch next week.” I said sure, with a smile. But he meant it. And told me so.

The following week, I turned up at the hospital, finding him very frail and attached to a drip, but in his street clothes. It did not seem remotely feasible to take him outside, but he said he had cleared the venture with the staff.

We chatted for a bit and then, being a trained nurse, he unplugged himself from the drip and said, grinning, “Let’s go.”

It was a beautiful October day, sunny and crisp. There was a good restaurant nearby, and we headed toward it very slowly.

He was incredibly exuberant about the beauty of the day, conveying to me that feeling for ordinary life that can only come to someone long confined to a hospital bed. Some people stared – he was covered in Kaposi’s Sarcoma lesions – but he carried on with dignity.

We ordered lunch and talked about all sorts of things of no great importance. I remember him exclaiming at the presentation of the food – and eating much of it, although his hunger was necessarily limited. I simply marvelled that we were there at all.

And when we had finished, we walked slowly, and somewhat sadly, back to the hospital, where he climbed onto his bed and re-attached his drip.

His Death

He died about two months later. I sat with him for a long time on the day he died, although I went home and was replaced by another female friend by the time he died.

A few months later, yet another older female friend and I scattered his ashes in the sea outside of Brighton, as had been his wish. We watched the carnations she had bought float slowly away, went for a brief tea and headed home full of unspoken thoughts.

I will never forget either day.

Do you have someone with whom you have an unexpected friendship? How does he or she differ from you? Are such differences remotely important? Do you know what draws you two together? And do you give special value to this friendship?