Think about the person who frustrates you the most. Perhaps it’s a family member, colleague, neighbor, or friend. Maybe you find yourself thinking, They just don’t seem to get it, or their behavior is completely unacceptable.

Wouldn’t it be nice if they would change? Life would be simpler, easier and more peaceful if they would just correct their behavior, right?

Inaccurate Expectations Create Disappointment

Any time we are frustrated by another person, it’s because they are failing to meet our expectations of them.

We have expectations for all the people in our lives, in fact. It is a rule book for how we expect a person to behave. Why do we have such rule books? It is so that we can feel how we want to feel: understood, supported, cared for, and loved, to name just a few.

If only they would realize that I’m not “over it.”

I can’t believe it. She told me that it’s time to “move on.”

He should have never asked me out so soon after my husband’s passing.

She should call me back when I call her.

She should realize that all she does is complain.

They should have invited me to the party.

She should be supporting me.

They should know what I need.

Most often, we don’t tell people what’s in our rule book for them; we just expect that they should know, and act accordingly. While it seems like having expectations of other people is normal, it is actually the source of great pain because it makes our happiness dependent on the actions of another person.

It robs us of our power. It gives other people power over us. It prompts us to try to control others so that we can feel better.

We Have No Control Over Others

The truth is that adults have the freedom to behave however they choose. It happens all the time: people behave exactly how they behave. If you think about the people who frustrate you the most, you can probably accurately predict exactly how they will behave. Their words and actions are not a surprise to you, but they still violate your rule book, so you feel frustrated.

Feelings Are an Inside Job

We think that the behavior of other people makes us feel frustrated, or angry, or any other difficult emotion. But here is the truth: our thoughts create our feelings. Which is good news because it means that we have complete control over our feelings. All feelings are dependent only on your own thoughts, not the actions of another.

When someone behaves in a way that violates your rule book for them, you have a thought about it, and that thought is what directly creates your feelings. So, if you’re tired of feeling annoyed or disappointed or irritated, “try on” other true thoughts and see how they make you feel. For example:

This is the part when the neighbors throw a loud party.

That is exactly what she often says.

Their behavior is predictable.

She can’t possibly support me because she’s never walked in my shoes.

He loves me in exactly the ways he knows how.

Thoughts like these probably generate more neutral feelings. These thoughts are a form of acceptance that indeed, adults behave exactly however they behave. This is not the same as condoning or approving of their behavior. It’s merely relinquishing the reigns of attempted control, because we are never able to control another person, anyway.

If we throw away our rule books for other people, they can no longer disappoint us with their behavior. We can let people act exactly how they act. We can stop holding them accountable for how we feel. And from that place, we can decide on next steps.

We can choose whether a boundary is necessary, or whether it’s time to complete the relationship. Or perhaps we continue the relationship as is, while simply redirecting our thoughts – on purpose.

How have you dealt with difficult relationships in your life? Do you notice that you have rule books for how people in your life should behave? Have you thrown away your rule book for someone, and if so, how did that benefit you?

Heather Gay’s Black Aviator Sunglasses at Lunch

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 2 Premiere Fashion

While Heather Gay showed us her amazing ordering skills with lunch in this scene on last night’s season premiere of RHOLSC, it’s now your turn to show us your amazing ordering skills with her black aviator sunglasses. And once that’s done, we highly recommend ordering some truffle fries, a fried brussel sprout caesar, 5 panko-fried risotto balls, 2 reubens and bottomless prosecco to celebrate. 

Fashionably,

Faryn

Also Seen on Melissa Gorga in Gold:

Click Here to Shop Her Quay Australia Sunglasses in 4 Colours

Click Here to Shop Them in a Larger Size

Originally posted at: Heather Gay’s Black Aviator Sunglasses

Jen Shah’s Green and Purple Printed Dress at Her House

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 2 Premiere Fashion

While it’s ultimately up to the courts to decide if the only thing Jen Shah is guilty of is being “Shah-mazing,” we at Big Blonde Hair definitely find her guilty of tempting us to spend some big bucks on her Spensive (not expensive…“Spensive”) green and purple printed dress. However thankfully we managed to find some more affordable options to shop that will still allow us to (legally of course) steal her style. 

Fashionably,

Faryn

Click Here to Shop Her Gucci Dress

Click Here For Additional Stock on Sale

And Here For More Stock on Sale

Originally posted at: Jen Shah’s Green and Purple Printed Dress

I’m not trying to brag too much here, but I’m pretty certain that I have one of the coolest, most enviable jobs around. Reason being? I scour the internet for the best shopping deals and coolest trends every day, and get to test out so many amazing new clothing pieces, beauty products, and home goods. I’ve been a shopping writer and editor for a few years now, and have developed a knack for determining which products are worth every penny, and which ones are better left in the virtual cart. 

This month is all about stepping into the fall comfortably. Stores like Target are beginning to roll out their fall home lines and sites are seeing increased search interest in moisturizing and clarifying products (makes sense, given that temps are sadly going to plummet and the air is about to dry). Amazon’s Movers & Shakers page—a section that shows what items are rising in popularity—is filled to the brim with soothing lotions and oils. Google is being inundated with “fall fashion” inquiries and people on Pinterest are starting to search for pumpkin recipes and candles once more. 

My shopping carts fit the bill for these fall trends perfectly. I’m shopping for nourishing face masks, sleek platform loafers, and cozy throw blankets to start my cold weather months off the right way. Check out the eight essentials I’ll be buying this September below: 

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Target is a STYLECASTER sponsor, however, all products in this article were independently selected by our editors. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

Courtesy: Neutrogena.

Neutrogena Anti-Residue Clarifying Shampoo

I don’t know what it is about spending so much time indoors, but ever since the pandemic began, my scalp has been a mess. I’ve experienced more dandruff and dryness these past two years than I have collectively my entire life. My one saving grace? This simple clarifying shampoo. It removes icky product build-up from dry shampoos and conditioners without stripping my hair of its natural oils. For best results, I swap this product with my typical purple shampoo once or twice a week. 

Courtesy: Sam Edelman.

Sam Edelman Laurs Platform Loafer 

I’m of the belief that if you have a good pair of loafers, you can wear them across every season. I love the androgynous vibe of the shoes. They’re punk and sexy at the same time. Unfortunately, most quality pairs are a few hundred dollars. That’s why, when I found these Sam Edelman ones, I squealed out loud with glee. The Olivia Rodrigo-esque shoes platforms come in black, tan, or green and pair them with practically every dress or pair of pants you’ve got hanging in your closet. 

Courtesy: Target.

Cable Knit Chenille Throw Blanket

There is no problem that curling into a cozy throw blanket can’t solve. This is why at the beginning of every fall season, I gift myself a new one. I love the look of all things cable knit. The sophisticated design makes tops and accessories like this blanket, which is just $25, look so much more expensive than they are. 

Courtesy: Nest New York.

Nest Pumpkin Chai Candle

It’s time for society to pass the point of calling everything pumpkin scented or flavored basic. Let’s all just agree that pumpkin anything is delicious and should be celebrated, not mocked. This September, I’m going all in on candles. Nest’s Pumpkin Chai candle is everything I want to cover my space. The spice scent is decadent without being overwhelming. Plus, the candle itself is a warm orange. You can’t find a better fall candle than this. 

Courtesy: Mr. Coffee.

Mr. Coffee Mug Warmer

I’m fairly certain that this clever coffee invention was made for me. It ensures that slow sippers (moi) won’t ever have to deal with lukewarm drinks ever again. To use it, all you have to do is flip the switch on, and the base will warm your cup’s bottom and keep the liquids inside nice and hot. I’ll be keeping this accessory on my WFH desk at all times. 

Courtesy: Free People.

Free People Picnic Sweater Romper

This fall, I don’t want to wear anything that requires more than a little effort to put on. Jeans? Absolutely not. A button-up shirt? You’ve got to be kidding. Heels? Please, don’t make me laugh. But this sweater romper? Sign me tf up. It’s like wearing a stylish and socially acceptable set of onesie pajamas. I plan to keep it on at home during work and lounge time, then dress it up when I go out with tights and combat boots. It’s such a simple look, but those are the best ones to style again and again.  

Courtesy: PÜR.

PÜR 4-in-1 Sculpting Concealer 

There are very few people I trust with makeup advice. One of them is Rachel Nussbaum, InStyle’s beauty writer. She knows everything there is to know about the ingredients that comprise popular foundations, hairsprays, etc. Her vast knowledge comes with a lot of heartbreak. She often tells me (and her readers) of the harmful irritants that are too-often included in name brand products, so when there’s a brand she approves of, I take note. Rachel told me that Pur is on her list of A-Okay concealers, so I’m hopping on this 4-in-1 color corrector faster than a kid on a trampoline. It comes in 16 shades, costs under $25, and is free from the nastiness of phthalates, aluminum, and talc.

Courtesy: Summer Fridays.

Summer Fridays Jet Lag Mask

I’m a writer living in New York. Translation: I don’t have an income that gives me the means to spend hefty amounts of cash on skincare (nor do I want to). Spending close to $50 on a face mask would physically and emotionally pain me if I didn’t already know and love this one so much. I’ve been using Summer Fridays’ Jet Lag Mask for years. It saved my skin when I was on Accutane, and continues to be my secret to non-greasy hydration. I’d say I have to stock up on it about every five months, and this September is one of them. I’ll be using it to prevent cracked winter skin, and before date nights or brunches to give me a Hailey Bieber-esque glow.

Two little girls, age 2 and 4, are having a bath. Their mother, a doctor, is asking them to wash themselves. “Who is going to wash her face,” she asks. “Me,” “Me”, they shout at once, giggling.

There is a bit of splashing, Then the mother continues, “And who is going to wash her vulva?” “Me,” “Me,” they again shout at once, again giggling.

Did your eyebrows go up? Mine did. And then they went down again. I think she was right.

It takes a bit of thinking about.

And where did I hear this exchange? On BBC Radio 4, on a series of programmes entitled “Inside Health,” with this section brazenly called “The vulva,” played on a Wednesday afternoon.

Body Part Names – Men

We grow up and are told various names for the lower end of our bodies.

Words for the male body are easy for reasons that aren’t altogether clear. You can use the formal words – penis and testicles – and many people do.

You might not talk about these things at the Queen’s Garden Party, but otherwise they are considered reasonable words with no overtones of impropriety.

There is also a friendly child’s term for the penis in England – and perhaps other parts of the world – the ‘willy’. It has an endearing quality and is not considered impolite, except in the most formal circumstances. Some men use it, too, but rarely in a sexual context.

And, of course, there are a lot of slang words for both, which you don’t learn at school and we don’t need to worry about here.

Body Part Names – Women

But for us women, it is much more complicated. There have always been issues around what we call our various body parts in the lower region.

And much more of a frisson when we say them out loud.

Somewhere along the line, we learn we have a vagina, often contrasted to the penis, and it is also seen as a respectable term.

And at school, we tend to be shown pictures of the inside reproductive parts, so we know about the ovaries, the fallopian tubes and the uterus (or womb) – and even the vagina in this context.

But what about the rest of our equipment? Who teaches us that we have a vulva or a mons pubis or labia majora and minora (which sound like some distant part of Turkey).

No one teaches us, we cannot see them and we remain remarkably ignorant. Indeed, we often know the names for the more detailed parts of our eyes better than we do of our female parts.

And then there are the inevitable euphemisms. My mother told me I had a ‘front bottom’ and a ‘back bottom’ and left it at that. I never learned anything more in that department from her.

When I had my daughter in 1969, the nurses informed me that I had a ‘front passage’, a ‘back passage’ and a ‘birth canal’. I had a slight jolt, but I worked it all out.

(If I may digress, I also learned that babies ‘passed motions’, but at the same time – remember it was a period of student protests – the students at my husband’s university were busy ‘making motions’. Or it may have been the other way around. The two concepts have been forever mixed up in my head since that time.)

Again, I am not getting into the business of slang. You could write a book about that.

The Power of Words

So why are we shocked when a mother teaches her young children to use the correct word for that part between the legs?

You just don’t hear the word very often and it sounds, well, too strong, too technical or perhaps too much ‘off colour’.

Is the word ‘vulva’ seen as vulgar because it starts with the same three letters? What if, instead, we associated it with a Swedish car? It already sounds a lot more friendly.

But you may say, it is not ‘nice’ because it is associated with sex. But so is the penis and it does not have the same power said out loud.

There is certainly nothing shameful about the vulva – or, indeed, any part of the body. The vulva and other bits and pieces are simply parts of the female anatomy. Every female has them, from the new-born baby to the 90-year-old woman and beyond.

On reflection, it can only be right for mothers to teach their children the right words and to not be embarrassed by any part of their body. This goes for boys as well as girls, so we all know all the anatomical terms.

But perhaps she might hold off on the word ‘clitoris.’ It would be difficult to explain what it is for.

What body part terms were you taught? What did you teach your children? On reflection, do you think we should be much more direct?