I’m traveling with a friend. We stop at an artist’s cooperative in a university town on our way back home. We spot a dizzying array of Christmas tree ornaments. As always, we ignore them – they have no relevance in our Jewish lives.

Abruptly, my friend stops in her tracks. “Actually,” she notes, “a Christmas tree does have some relevance in my life because one of my kids puts one up yearly. Do you think I should buy her and her family an ornament as an inclusive gesture of good holiday cheer?”

The December Dilemma Kicks in Early

Confusion reigns down upon me. I have no idea how to answer her. What if she bought that adorable bagel Christmas tree ornament and sent it to her daughter to hang up as her kids decorated the tree? Would it be welcomed? Would it be in bad taste? Would it confuse her grandchildren? Would it chip away at her daughter’s commitment to raise her kids Jewish even though she is in an inter-faith marriage and has made a concession to her husband to yearly put up a tree?

My friend passes on the purchase, but the questions linger as we head home.

Ah! The December Dilemma – that treacherous time of year when multiple holidays collide and even people with good intentions can become embroiled in toxic misunderstandings.

Statistics Simply Don’t Lie

And it’s no wonder so many of us wonder. From the Pew Research site, I gather the following information:

About four-in-ten married Jews (42%) have a non-Jewish spouse… intermarriage is almost nonexistent among married Orthodox Jews (2%), while nearly half of all non-Orthodox Jews who are married say their spouse is not Jewish (47%). Intermarriage is more common among those who have married in recent years: Among Jewish respondents who got married since the beginning of 2010, 61% have a non-Jewish spouse, compared with 18% of Jews who got married before 1980.

My friend and I jokingly rattle off a random list of 15 Jewish friends who have married children. Eleven of them have kids who have married non-Jews.

Spousal conversion rate among our buddies’ kids? Sticky issue. We don’t pry, so we deem it Unknown. But even if conversion renders the term intermarriage inapplicable, one still has the family of the converted spouse to deal with on matters of sharing traditions, holiday rituals and religious observances. It’s a complicated minefield.

Days pass and a barrage of thoughts continually assault me on how to both approach and celebrate the holidays in mixed marriage households with children.

Simply Too Touchy to Tackle Alone

I approach one of my favorite rabbis for counsel and guidance. Rabbi Gary Klein is Rabbi Emeritus at Temple Ahavat Shalom in Palm Harbor, Florida. Below are his thoughts:

It is important that Jews in interfaith families do not become confused and come to believe that both holidays can be theirs. A Jewish child growing up in an interfaith home can enjoy celebrating Christmas with his or her Christian parent, aunts and uncles and grandparents; but should not be taught that Christmas is his or her holiday. The same should hold true for a child being raised as a Christian in an interfaith family. They can enjoy the holiday of their Jewish family members; but not be expected and should not be taught to view it as their holiday; as there are huge differences in the fundamental teachings of Judaism and Christianity.

Children, at least as early as the time they reach middle school, can see that some of the major teachings of one religion contradict some of the major teachings of the other. It’s important for a child’s self-esteem that they feel that a certain synagogue or a certain church is their second home, that they belong there. But children will soon come to see, especially if they are raised believing that they are both Jewish and Christian, that they are neither, and won’t feel at home anywhere. They can, however, be Jews who love Christians and respect Christianity; or Christians who love Jews and respect Judaism. 

Share the Wisdom

We light the first candles on the Menorah on November 28, with Christmas closely following. Here’s to peace, tranquility and mutual respect during this holiday season. Let’s all remember that we are not the only ones experiencing the December Dilemma!

If you are part of a multi-cultural family, how do you build bridges of mutual respect and affection during the holiday season? What holidays are celebrated in your family?

When I first heard Kate Beckinsale was going to be a face of a skincare brand that uses blue scorpion venom in its products, I was intrigued and also a little freaked out. But take one look at Beckinsale’s background — and her social media — and you know she 1) wouldn’t hurt an animal and 2) doesn’t partner with many beauty brands. So, for Beckinsale to work with MRVL Skincare, there had to be something to it. It turns out, there is and the story of how this skincare came to be is pretty fascinating. As is Beckinsale’s thoughts on why people are so concerned about women asserting their intelligence.

First, let’s get to the beauty products. MRVL Skincare was founded by entrepreneur Rick Langley who is also the founder of the world’s largest Blue Scorpion farm. These types of scorpions don’t have dangerous venom, so there are no concerns there. Langley developed what he calls Blue Scorpion Peptide (BSP) that he promises helps to stimulate natural collagen production, fight free radicals, help regenerate symptoms of damaged skin and smooth the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. The first batch of products is out today on the brand’s website.

I sat down with Beckinsale to find out her must-have items in the line and how she really feels about all that IQ backlash.

How She Got Involved With MRVL Skincare

Beckinsale was happy to become a spokesperson for MRVL Skincare because, well, the products just worked for her, something she says is most important when she’s going to be supporting a brand. “They sent me some of them, and they were such nice products and I really liked what they did to my skin,” she says. And when we learned the photoshoot was going to be in Turks and Caicos with dogs, the animal-rights activist was all in.

Of course, she made sure the Blue Scorpions aren’t hurt when “milked” for their venom, something I asked Langley as well. “I don’t want that to be involved with something that’s not kind,” she says. “But then also once I met them, I’m like, these last people to hurt an animal.” In fact, it was that Langley is also an animal-lover that attracted Beckinsale to the project.

Her Must-Have Products

Beckinsale likes to keep her routine pretty simple with an oil cleanser to remove makeup. As of late, she’s adding in her favorite MRVL Skincare products, too. “I really am a massive fan of the retinol cream particularly,” she says of the Retinol Repair Night Cream that contains combines retinol with the BSP. She uses it a few times a week but applies the Super Rich Eye Cream every day. When her skin is feeling dry and sensitive, she incorporates the calming, rich Arnica Recovery Cream.

MRVL Skincare.

How Her Cats Feel About Dressing Up

Switching gears, I have to ask Beckinsale about the cats on her Instagram always dressed up in the type of outfits my own cat would murder me for putting on her. Her cats are incredibly chill about it. “Well, Clive, the older one is 17. He actually really enjoys an outfit and he’s got certain things he just likes,” she says. “He loves tule and he loves ribbon and he’s really predictable. We adopted Willow from somebody else who couldn’t take care of her. She was kind of skittish and not the sort of cat that’s wanting to wear a pair of pajamas. But actually the longer she’s been with us, she’s like, I guess that’s how it is around here.”

Source: Instagram

Why She Thinks People Have Trouble With Intelligent Women

This past October, Beckinsale was a guest on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM radio show, when the host pressed her for her IQ. She called her mother to find out and revealed it to be 152, which is considered to be “highly gifted.” She told Stern that having a high IQ wasn’t “helpful” to her in Hollywood, saying, “I just think it might be a handicap, actually.” This led to numerous headlines criticizing the actor for “bragging” about her intelligence.

“If I was bragging, I would have said it earlier than this,” she tells me. “This would be a thing that I would have mentioned. It’s not something I think about, it’s not something I think is a particularly good marker of intelligence. Actually, I don’t think it’s that relevant.” She says she was just asked so she answered the question. “I think women if you say ‘I’m intelligent,’ or ‘I’m anything,’ frankly, it’s immediately bragging even it’s just a fact,” she continues.

Beckinsale took to her Instagram to express her frustration with the response. She sites studies that show girls often “play dumb” with boys to appear more feminine. Growing up in an all-girls school, Beckinsale didn’t have this experience. She might not have felt confident physically but she knew she was smart — and wasn’t taught to hide it. “I did not grow up feeling particularly confident about what I looked like,” she says. “I was very short and my feet grew to this same size they are now. I wasn’t one of these kids that had an amazing middle school time. That still doesn’t feel like my big strength. But I’ve never ever had to feel like I’m not smart.”

Source: Instagram

How She Feels About the Backlash

“Once I started thinking about it after this whole thing came up, finding all these articles about women dumbing themselves down and women, especially on dates, dumbing themselves down and thinking ‘God, this was just sorry,’” she says. “This says more about men actually, you know. But having said that, a lot of the people who jumped on me were women. I think people, in general, don’t like a woman to take up too much space. I don’t agree with that.”

We talk about how things women like are often seen as silly or frivolous as if being into skincare or cats has anything to do with how smart you are. (It doesn’t.) “I tend to throw a cat [into photos] just to make it more fun,” she says. “And people will go ‘oh, well, this really shows your IQ.’  No, because if you’re smart, you don’t have to be going on about it all the time. You can put a fedora on a cat and still be smart.”

Amen.

When I first heard Kate Beckinsale was going to be a face of a skincare brand that uses blue scorpion venom in its products, I was intrigued and also a little freaked out. But take one look at Beckinsale’s background — and her social media — and you know she 1) wouldn’t hurt an animal and 2) doesn’t partner with many beauty brands. So, for Beckinsale to work with MRVL Skincare, there had to be something to it. It turns out, there is and the story of how this skincare came to be is pretty fascinating. As is Beckinsale’s thoughts on why people are so concerned about women asserting their intelligence.

First, let’s get to the beauty products. MRVL Skincare was founded by entrepreneur Rick Langley who is also the founder of the world’s largest Blue Scorpion farm. These types of scorpions don’t have dangerous venom, so there are no concerns there. Langley developed what he calls Blue Scorpion Peptide (BSP) that he promises helps to stimulate natural collagen production, fight free radicals, help regenerate symptoms of damaged skin and smooth the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. The first batch of products is out today on the brand’s website.

I sat down with Beckinsale to find out her must-have items in the line and how she really feels about all that IQ backlash.

How She Got Involved With MRVL Skincare

Beckinsale was happy to become a spokesperson for MRVL Skincare because, well, the products just worked for her, something she says is most important when she’s going to be supporting a brand. “They sent me some of them, and they were such nice products and I really liked what they did to my skin,” she says. And when we learned the photoshoot was going to be in Turks and Caicos with dogs, the animal-rights activist was all in.

Of course, she made sure the Blue Scorpions aren’t hurt when “milked” for their venom, something I asked Langley as well. “I don’t want that to be involved with something that’s not kind,” she says. “But then also once I met them, I’m like, these last people to hurt an animal.” In fact, it was that Langley is also an animal-lover that attracted Beckinsale to the project.

Her Must-Have Products

Beckinsale likes to keep her routine pretty simple with an oil cleanser to remove makeup. As of late, she’s adding in her favorite MRVL Skincare products, too. “I really am a massive fan of the retinol cream particularly,” she says of the Retinol Repair Night Cream that contains combines retinol with the BSP. She uses it a few times a week but applies the Super Rich Eye Cream every day. When her skin is feeling dry and sensitive, she incorporates the calming, rich Arnica Recovery Cream.

MRVL Skincare.

How Her Cats Feel About Dressing Up

Switching gears, I have to ask Beckinsale about the cats on her Instagram always dressed up in the type of outfits my own cat would murder me for putting on her. Her cats are incredibly chill about it. “Well, Clive, the older one is 17. He actually really enjoys an outfit and he’s got certain things he just likes,” she says. “He loves tule and he loves ribbon and he’s really predictable. We adopted Willow from somebody else who couldn’t take care of her. She was kind of skittish and not the sort of cat that’s wanting to wear a pair of pajamas. But actually the longer she’s been with us, she’s like, I guess that’s how it is around here.”

Source: Instagram

Why She Thinks People Have Trouble With Intelligent Women

This past October, Beckinsale was a guest on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM radio show, when the host pressed her for her IQ. She called her mother to find out and revealed it to be 152, which is considered to be “highly gifted.” She told Stern that having a high IQ wasn’t “helpful” to her in Hollywood, saying, “I just think it might be a handicap, actually.” This led to numerous headlines criticizing the actor for “bragging” about her intelligence.

“If I was bragging, I would have said it earlier than this,” she tells me. “This would be a thing that I would have mentioned. It’s not something I think about, it’s not something I think is a particularly good marker of intelligence. Actually, I don’t think it’s that relevant.” She says she was just asked so she answered the question. “I think women if you say ‘I’m intelligent,’ or ‘I’m anything,’ frankly, it’s immediately bragging even it’s just a fact,” she continues.

Beckinsale took to her Instagram to express her frustration with the response. She sites studies that show girls often “play dumb” with boys to appear more feminine. Growing up in an all-girls school, Beckinsale didn’t have this experience. She might not have felt confident physically but she knew she was smart — and wasn’t taught to hide it. “I did not grow up feeling particularly confident about what I looked like,” she says. “I was very short and my feet grew to this same size they are now. I wasn’t one of these kids that had an amazing middle school time. That still doesn’t feel like my big strength. But I’ve never ever had to feel like I’m not smart.”

Source: Instagram

How She Feels About the Backlash

“Once I started thinking about it after this whole thing came up, finding all these articles about women dumbing themselves down and women, especially on dates, dumbing themselves down and thinking ‘God, this was just sorry,’” she says. “This says more about men actually, you know. But having said that, a lot of the people who jumped on me were women. I think people, in general, don’t like a woman to take up too much space. I don’t agree with that.”

We talk about how things women like are often seen as silly or frivolous as if being into skincare or cats has anything to do with how smart you are. (It doesn’t.) “I tend to throw a cat [into photos] just to make it more fun,” she says. “And people will go ‘oh, well, this really shows your IQ.’  No, because if you’re smart, you don’t have to be going on about it all the time. You can put a fedora on a cat and still be smart.”

Amen.

When I first heard Kate Beckinsale was going to be a face of a skincare brand that uses blue scorpion venom in its products, I was intrigued and also a little freaked out. But take one look at Beckinsale’s background — and her social media — and you know she 1) wouldn’t hurt an animal and 2) doesn’t partner with many beauty brands. So, for Beckinsale to work with MRVL Skincare, there had to be something to it. It turns out, there is and the story of how this skincare came to be is pretty fascinating. As is Beckinsale’s thoughts on why people are so concerned about women asserting their intelligence.

First, let’s get to the beauty products. MRVL Skincare was founded by entrepreneur Rick Langley who is also the founder of the world’s largest Blue Scorpion farm. These types of scorpions don’t have dangerous venom, so there are no concerns there. Langley developed what he calls Blue Scorpion Peptide (BSP) that he promises helps to stimulate natural collagen production, fight free radicals, help regenerate symptoms of damaged skin and smooth the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. The first batch of products is out today on the brand’s website.

I sat down with Beckinsale to find out her must-have items in the line and how she really feels about all that IQ backlash.

How She Got Involved With MRVL Skincare

Beckinsale was happy to become a spokesperson for MRVL Skincare because, well, the products just worked for her, something she says is most important when she’s going to be supporting a brand. “They sent me some of them, and they were such nice products and I really liked what they did to my skin,” she says. And when we learned the photoshoot was going to be in Turks and Caicos with dogs, the animal-rights activist was all in.

Of course, she made sure the Blue Scorpions aren’t hurt when “milked” for their venom, something I asked Langley as well. “I don’t want that to be involved with something that’s not kind,” she says. “But then also once I met them, I’m like, these last people to hurt an animal.” In fact, it was that Langley is also an animal-lover that attracted Beckinsale to the project.

Her Must-Have Products

Beckinsale likes to keep her routine pretty simple with an oil cleanser to remove makeup. As of late, she’s adding in her favorite MRVL Skincare products, too. “I really am a massive fan of the retinol cream particularly,” she says of the Retinol Repair Night Cream that contains combines retinol with the BSP. She uses it a few times a week but applies the Super Rich Eye Cream every day. When her skin is feeling dry and sensitive, she incorporates the calming, rich Arnica Recovery Cream.

MRVL Skincare.

How Her Cats Feel About Dressing Up

Switching gears, I have to ask Beckinsale about the cats on her Instagram always dressed up in the type of outfits my own cat would murder me for putting on her. Her cats are incredibly chill about it. “Well, Clive, the older one is 17. He actually really enjoys an outfit and he’s got certain things he just likes,” she says. “He loves tule and he loves ribbon and he’s really predictable. We adopted Willow from somebody else who couldn’t take care of her. She was kind of skittish and not the sort of cat that’s wanting to wear a pair of pajamas. But actually the longer she’s been with us, she’s like, I guess that’s how it is around here.”

Source: Instagram

Why She Thinks People Have Trouble With Intelligent Women

This past October, Beckinsale was a guest on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM radio show, when the host pressed her for her IQ. She called her mother to find out and revealed it to be 152, which is considered to be “highly gifted.” She told Stern that having a high IQ wasn’t “helpful” to her in Hollywood, saying, “I just think it might be a handicap, actually.” This led to numerous headlines criticizing the actor for “bragging” about her intelligence.

“If I was bragging, I would have said it earlier than this,” she tells me. “This would be a thing that I would have mentioned. It’s not something I think about, it’s not something I think is a particularly good marker of intelligence. Actually, I don’t think it’s that relevant.” She says she was just asked so she answered the question. “I think women if you say ‘I’m intelligent,’ or ‘I’m anything,’ frankly, it’s immediately bragging even it’s just a fact,” she continues.

Beckinsale took to her Instagram to express her frustration with the response. She sites studies that show girls often “play dumb” with boys to appear more feminine. Growing up in an all-girls school, Beckinsale didn’t have this experience. She might not have felt confident physically but she knew she was smart — and wasn’t taught to hide it. “I did not grow up feeling particularly confident about what I looked like,” she says. “I was very short and my feet grew to this same size they are now. I wasn’t one of these kids that had an amazing middle school time. That still doesn’t feel like my big strength. But I’ve never ever had to feel like I’m not smart.”

Source: Instagram

How She Feels About the Backlash

“Once I started thinking about it after this whole thing came up, finding all these articles about women dumbing themselves down and women, especially on dates, dumbing themselves down and thinking ‘God, this was just sorry,’” she says. “This says more about men actually, you know. But having said that, a lot of the people who jumped on me were women. I think people, in general, don’t like a woman to take up too much space. I don’t agree with that.”

We talk about how things women like are often seen as silly or frivolous as if being into skincare or cats has anything to do with how smart you are. (It doesn’t.) “I tend to throw a cat [into photos] just to make it more fun,” she says. “And people will go ‘oh, well, this really shows your IQ.’  No, because if you’re smart, you don’t have to be going on about it all the time. You can put a fedora on a cat and still be smart.”

Amen.

I come from a family of medical professionals. So, it’s no surprise that my belief and trust in the medical profession, and those who practice it, has always been high.

As a result, it may have been a little easier for me to see the human side of physicians. However, many, if not most, of our generation grew up believing that the doctors we saw on television shows such as Medical Center, Dr. Kildare and Marcus Welby, M.D. were the norm.

The Authority Behind the M.D.

They were authority figures to be listened to, obeyed, respected and never questioned. They knew best and always had our best interests at heart. We were to trust them unconditionally, even if that trust occasionally made us uncomfortable or was misplaced.

In fact, I remember a family friend once wondering aloud if her doctor – who had been treating her for 30 years – was giving her the best advice. When I suggested she question him about it, her response was, “I would never do that, he’s the doctor and I would not want to offend him.”

While trust is a critical element in every type of relationship, it is especially important in the doctor-patient relationship. When there is mutual trust, you feel more comfortable being open and honest with your doctor, which translates into better treatment plans and better treatment outcomes.

But should there be a limit to the amount of trust you place in your doctor? Should you ever question what your doctor tells you? The answer to both questions is a resounding “yes.”

Trust Should Not Be Blind

Luckily for us and for our families, this type of unquestioning obedience and belief in physicians is changing, and we boomers can, in many ways, take some credit for this. It’s no secret that we’re a lot different than our parents and our grandparents.

We tend to be better informed, more assertive and want to play a greater role in our healthcare. While this is great, it is also tempered by our commitment to a work ethic and world view that makes us want to stay with our doctor for all our medical needs.

We also tend to base a lot of our healthcare decisions on what we hear from people we trust – whether their opinions are truly best for us or not. Our responsibility to manage the healthcare of our aging parents also has contributed to our taking a more proactive role in healthcare decisions and treatments.

This change in our approach to healthcare in general requires a change in how we view the trust we place in our physicians.

I am not advocating, in any way, that we should stop trusting our physicians. This would be counterproductive and could both hurt our relationship with our doctors as well as negatively impact the outcome of any healthcare treatments we may need.

What I am saying is that trust in any person or institution should never be ‘blind’. That would be just plain foolish.

Create a Trust Partnership with Your Doctor

The approach I have taken is one of creating a ‘trust partnership’ that puts my doctor and me on more equal footing when it comes to my healthcare. How can you apply this to your own healthcare?

It’s actually very easy, although it may feel a little uncomfortable at first. Here are some things I have done which you might want to consider:

Read

Read the boring medical studies that pertain to your medical condition. Also read blogs and websites that make a point of using scientific evidence. Ask a statistics-savvy friend to help you interpret the studies.

Research

Your best defense is being educated on the matter. Do your research before your appointment.

Be Prepared for Your Visit

Organize your lab tests and notes from previous doctors. If the doctor has to spend the whole visit figuring out your medical history, you can bet that there won’t be an in-depth analysis on the merits of taking vitamin B12 shots versus gabapentin, for example.

Ask Specific Questions

Specific questions – like, “Do patients ever have long-term side effects from CT scan dye?” or “At my age, what are the possible risks of having general anesthesia?” – will convey your concerns more clearly and open up a discussion, as opposed to only saying, “I don’t want to do that.”

Instead of saying, “I don’t like prescription medications,” try being more specific, such as, “I’d really like to try taking yoga classes three times per week. If I still feel depressed, I will try the antidepressants.”

Let your doctor know what your plan is and why you’d like to try something else. This keeps the line of communication open.

Calm Down Excited Family Members

While it’s nice to have your spouse or parent there for support, listening to two people talk excitedly at once while trying to diagnose and take notes can be a headache for anyone. Take turns speaking, and give the doctor time to record what you are saying so it gets taken into account.

Take It All in Stride

Your doctor doesn’t want to insult you or brush you off. She’s simply giving a medical opinion. If that opinion flies in the face of everything you believe, seek a second opinion.

Keep Up Your End of the Bargain

Trust, in any relationship, is a two-way street. You can’t expect your doctor to make the effort to gain and keep your trust if you don’t do the same with them. Not doing so will not only erode your mutual trust but can impact your medical care.

The first thing you need to do is be honest with your doctor. A recent study showed that almost half of all Americans routinely decline to tell their physicians the whole truth about their health issues.

When it comes to questions about diet and fitness – two of the things that can most help us prevent or better manage disease – almost a third of all women are not truthful with their doctors.

Their reasons? The top two are embarrassment and a fear of being judged. If these are fears you also have, be honest with your doctor. Odds are, they can help you overcome these feelings.

You also need to follow your doctor’s guidance, especially when it comes to medications and your home-health care regimens. Not doing so may put your health at risk and decrease the amount of trust your doctor has in you.

If your doctor starts questioning everything you tell her, then the physician-patient relationship is on a very slippery slope. Additionally, if you are starting to feel uncomfortable with your doctor and/or your medical care, it’s important that you consider who it is you are not trusting any more.

Recent studies have shown that how you view your healthcare system, or your local hospital, can also impact how you feel about your doctor. So try to avoid falling into a situation of ‘guilt by association’ with your doctors.

When to Consider a Change

Sometimes, despite all your and your physician’s best efforts, you find yourself questioning more than trusting your doctor. In this case, you may want to consider changing your medical team. Some signs that it may be time to do so are when your doctor:

• Doesn’t seem to be really listening to you.
• Doesn’t seem to have time for you.
• Seems to show more interest in your symptoms than the cause.
• Seems more focused on getting you on medications than off them.
• Begins to make subjective assumptions about you and your life.
• Doesn’t seem to be up-to-date on new treatments.
• Is offended when you ask too many questions.
• Does not respect professional boundaries.

Partnering with your physician in your healthcare has been clearly shown to improve all aspects of healthcare, including treatment outcomes. You owe it to yourself to have the best relationship you can have with your doctor, and, as with other relationships in our lives, this will be based on mutual trust.

You owe it to yourself to ensure that trust is there.

What is your experience of partnering with your doctor? Do you trust everything they tell you or recommend you, or do you routinely question them? Have you ever challenged your doctor or sought out a second opinion? How did that go? Tell us about it. Please join the conversation.